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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dss out

203 replies

Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 09:11

Bit of a long one sorry, will try to be brief.
Xmas eve dss 23 and his gf decided to 'bake' in the kitchen, this was after a late night blitz style cleaning fest from me the day before so I was less than amused but let it go on the understanding it would get cleaned up. Every excuse was given throughout the afternoon and evening, with various reasons why it would be done 'later'. Ultimately it wasn't cleaned up and I ended up doing on xmas morning. Dh raised the point with him and dss launched into us both complete with 'fuck offs' and a big argument erupted regards to the lack of respect being shown (this has been an ongoing problem, dh and I both at the end of our teather). Dss took himself off for a few days and in the interim sent a torrent of abuse via text which was more awful than the original outburst. Dh didn't want dss back in the house but I maintained that there must be something we have done terribly wrong if this is how dss behaves/feels/thinks is ok. Ultimately dss was allowed back home on the agreement he would keep to the rule of 'our house our rules' but has failed to apologise and has demanded we keep out of his face so as to avoid confrontation. Now he is back he is saying he shouldn't have to take being told to do things like clean his room because he is an adult, the atmosphere in the home is awful. I'm also worried younger dc will be watching and learning from his example. I guess this is more a wwyd as I'm really completely worn down by the whole thing I can't even think straight.

OP posts:
Xenadog · 03/01/2017 10:08

I actually don't even know why you are posting OP. He is a grown man behaving like a spoil brat and being abusive to you in the process. Send him packing. If you're feeling generous give him 4 weeks to find a new place to live and then allow him to learn how to grow up and be a reasonable human being. He hasn't learned to do this yet has he? Time for tough love.

If you are struggling with this idea think about what the consequences will be for you all if you allow him to remain for 6 months or however long and this shitty behaviour continues. Honestly, you're doing him no favours by allowing him to stay whilst treating you all so badly.

JanuaryMoods · 03/01/2017 10:08

He has no respect for either of you.

Get him out now. Your relationship couldn't be any worse than it is and it isn't fair on the younger ones.

Just get him out.

Soubriquet · 03/01/2017 10:10

The only thing I will disagree with you on is his bedroom

He pays you £50 for that room. It can be as messy as he wants it. It's his room.

But "communal" areas are not a free for all. He does need to keep them clean

If he doesn't like that he can move out

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:10

We have discussed a help to buy/property share type arrangement which is why dh is giving it 6 months I think, although I can't but worry that giving financial handouts will teach him nothing, dh is just looking to throw money at the problem as an easy fix

OP posts:
Frusso · 03/01/2017 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn2016 · 03/01/2017 10:12

You are being abused in your own home and tbh if he does stop talking to you forever, what exactly will you have lost? A man who swears at you and who shows no respect for you or your home.
You are talking about him as if he is a child. He isn't. At 23 I was working full time and had a child and home of my own. He acts like a kid because you and his dad have enabled him to.

He is choosing to behave like this - he can help it and he doesn't do it in his gf house because her parents wouldn't allow it.
If he was mine, I'd be telling him to clear up his room now or get out of my house. There is no way I would tolerate it being a hovel - if it's in my house it gets kept to my standards. Don't like it, then leave.
You need to toughen up lovely, you are doing neither of you sny favours in allowing him to be a man child

pipsqueak25 · 03/01/2017 10:13

i tend to agree with you on the 'easy fix' thing op, this isn't going to end well as your dh isn't manning up to the situation, and is worrying about upsetting the snowflake.

BearFoxBear · 03/01/2017 10:14

Why on earth would you help someone that's being abusive towards you buy a house?! He's a grown man and should be treated as such - your dh needs to give a deadline of the end of the month to get himself a flat, give him the deposit, and let him get on with it.

I managed to get my own flat at 17, it's not difficult!

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:16

I get what you are saying about the £50, we don't normally tell him he has to clean, this was a one off condition of his returning. I actually collected all the dishes, plates, cups and glasses up whilst he was away, I filled our full size dishwasher twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:17

There is a 'smell' as soon as you approach the door, even a landlady wouldn't put up with that

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 03/01/2017 10:19

Chuck him out! Obnoxious man-brat.

YouTheCat · 03/01/2017 10:25

If you can afford, pay his first month's rent and chuck him out to fend for himself.

Dd is 22. She does very little housework wise but mucks in occasionally, does her own laundry etc. She pays her way, mostly. Plus she's a student and is working really hard. However, if she ever spoke to me like that she knows I'd send her packing and she'd end up with her dad who has no internet and whose house is quite literally falling down .

Daisyfrumps · 03/01/2017 10:26

He's not a child in need of love and nurture.

He's an abusive man who is completely taking the piss out of you.

Give him 6 weeks notice to leave and he can find a flatshare.

Finola1step · 03/01/2017 10:26

I think the solution is quite simple. On the quiet, your DH needs to check out what is for rent in the local.area. Flat shares, studio flats etc. Find out about deposits and up front costs. You and DH then work out a realistic amount that you can help out with.

You both then present it to DSS as "We know that you are unhappy here because you are desperate for your own space. We have raided our savings and can give you £x amount for a deposit and some rent up front. We are more than happy to help you look for a place to rent. Would you prefer a flat share or a studio flat?"

So no big ultimatums. No kicking out. Just an understanding that the situation can not continue and it needs to change. That you will both help with this.

Get it done quickly.

Then when he moves out, change his bedroom into a spare room. One in which he can stay in at Xmas etc. But also used by others.

Don't even consider helping him to buy anything at this stage. He is not ready for the responsibility and it could end up as financial madness.

Inertia · 03/01/2017 10:28

Well, you have a choice.

You can choose to be abused by a grown man in your own home, or you can tell him to leave.

Frankly, him not speaking to you or DH for some time sounds like it would be a relief- he only speaks to you now to hurl abuse and threats or to creep for your money.

And the way you're letting him get away with this is setting the template for his future family life. He and his girlfriend are seeing the proof that the big man can throw his weight around and bully the women in his life, and the little woman still has to let him do what he wants, clean up his crap and pay for his takeaways. This is the set-up he'll expect from any future partner and children.

I don't understand why you can't see that you are doing the absolute opposite of helping him. You have the money you've saved to give him as a deposit, let him go and live in shit in his own flat.

Salmotrutta · 03/01/2017 10:33

I'd worry about how he's treating his GF too.

You say she's very shy and sweet - how does he treat her?

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:35

Inertia- to be honest the penny has already dropped for me, I think dh is just soft because he loves all the dc so much. My mum also drummed into me to suck stuff up and make lots of allowances because dss had to except me coming into their home/ family. I wasn't the ow, not even my dh's first partner after divorce, his wife actually met someone else so no reason I should take the brunt of any anger but she always told me to tread softly.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/01/2017 10:36

There is a 'smell' as soon as you approach the door, even a landlady wouldn't put up with that

That's pretty gross Envy

You and your dh will need to firm on one thing though

When he leaves, no lending money everywhere and bailing him out of all situations

He needs to learn. Flat mates won't put up with him acting like this and could very well kick him out over it. If you go running every time, he will never change

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:37

The girlfriend- dss says she holds her own but dh and I always see him being very dominant, she doesn't 'tell him off' for anything as far as I can see, he just can't cope when anyone challenges him

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 03/01/2017 10:41

That's quite worrying if he's dominating her.

Sounds like she's learned not to rock the boat.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:41

He doesn't want to flat/house share, probably sees it as beneath him. I think this would be an ideal way of teaching him what's what in the real world, if he moves straight to his own house he is able to not listen to anyone for ever!

OP posts:
Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 10:42

We have all learnt not to rock the boat

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/01/2017 10:42

He isn't going to get a choice is he?

He can't get a mortgage, he couldn't afford a market rental and he can't stay with you.

What's he going to do?

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 03/01/2017 10:47

You really aren't helping him.

SundialShadow · 03/01/2017 10:50

He is now brandishing being thrown out ( I really just wanted him out of my face for a couple of hours) as some kind of proof that he is an abused child....

If he lived in my house, I'd give him his belongings in a black bag and change the locks after this entitled, spoiled, deluded behaviour.

He behaves like this and it is your fault? He has fun and is not as far along in his career as he feels he should be? Stop enabling this man-child. Let him experience the real world and see how far his temper tantrums get him.

That said, huge virtual well-wishes. This must be horrible for you. Be strong x