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AIBU?

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Original poster

Left out of lunch

260 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:20

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

OP posts:
Realjournal123 · 03/01/2017 17:50

What a mean, nasty woman. It doesn't like she's too keen on you. Politely refuse the next invite. I would.

SapphireStrange · 03/01/2017 17:56

She's a twat. You have to try quite hard not to give even ONE meat-free thing at a buffet.

I don't know whereabouts you were in relation to shops, but I'd have gone out and got a veggie quiche or something and brought it back. Not in a big making-a-fuss way, just quietly.

I wouldn't go to her place again.

WorkAccount · 03/01/2017 17:57

He says it wasn't on purpose

ask him "If it wasn't on purpose why didn't she apologise? why didn't she offer to make me something else? why did she leave me with nothing to eat?"

nocampinghere · 03/01/2017 17:57

seriously how can you do a lunch/buffet type thing with NOTHING except meat based food.
the only positive thing i can say is they are going to live a very short life with all that processed meat. It's not about catering for a vegetarian, that is a very odd selection of food!
she must have done it on purpose, it's pretty hard to NOT include anything non meat based.

caringcarer · 03/01/2017 17:58

Next time she invites you both, decline and say you are both going out for a meal, then call in on way back and make a point of telling MiL all the lovely food you had. She needs to learn if she want's you to visit she caters for you.

ILoveDolly · 03/01/2017 17:59

None of the buffet was veggie Hmm no bread or cheese. Wow.
My husband wouldn't have said anything either. When we were engaged his family took him just him on an expensive holiday without me.
You should have the sandwich. Next time go and help yourself in the kitchen. They've got to learn you won't be sidelined

JackLottiesMum · 03/01/2017 18:02

I'm sorry that sounds pretty mean of your m'n'law.
I have a gluten intolerance and I've lost track of the times I've been invited to my m'n'laws and she's laid out a huge feast of wheat based products but can't spend a couple of pounds providing me with something gluten-free - I'd be happy with a rice cake or two!
We support her significantly financially plus in other ways, so I get quite hurt she can't be bother making me feel included.
I've known her for 17 years and the more I help her out, the more I assume she'll make an effort with my gluten-intolerance but she never does!
We don't eat with her often but the next time we go my hubby is going to ring her before the day to see what she is doing/buying for me. Maybe your hubby could do the same for you.
By the way, I get why you said no to the cheese sandwich. Once you get that emotionally upset it's hard to then eat something even if you are hungry.

RosieRuby · 03/01/2017 18:06

Invite her round for lunch and prepare a vegetarian buffet then say the same to her...she clearly has issues!

Sillybillybonker · 03/01/2017 18:07

What? I suggest you don't go there again!

Katherine2626 · 03/01/2017 18:17

Nasty unkind person.

Scarriff · 03/01/2017 18:28

Not sure why it has to be your fil or dh who has to take your mil on on your behalf. You are a big girl and can look after yourself. Let that be the last time she can get away with that behaviour. Speak or write to her and tell her how upset you were by not being offered anything to eat having been invited. Invite her and your fil over and ONLY provide veggie food. Show her how tasty and varied veggie food can be. Make sure its clear that she takes your needs on board if she hopes to see you and your family any time soon. Calm and clear thats the way.

Rubies12345 · 03/01/2017 18:30

Your MIL was very wrong but why be a martyr. You were hungry and had the offer of a cheese sandwich. I don't understand why you said no tbh.

Cheese is not vegetarian

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 03/01/2017 18:32

My inner keyboard warrior says you should have ordered the biggest strongest smelling curry imaginable WITH a shitload of sides and slowly eaten the whole damn lot. (Curry not just because the smell will get into everything but also it's just he best veggie food ever)

Then sat there farting for the rest of the afternoon

The sensible me would have buggered off out to eat. And DH would have been the one to suggest it.

TigerLily666 · 03/01/2017 18:33

Cheese is vegetarian but not vegan. Surely???

CaraAspen · 03/01/2017 18:34

"Rubies12345

Your MIL was very wrong but why be a martyr. You were hungry and had the offer of a cheese sandwich. I don't understand why you said no tbh.

Cheese is not vegetarian"

You can buy vegetarian cheese.

Lunde · 03/01/2017 18:35

With cheese it depend how it is made - some cheese is vegetarian but traditional cheeses may be made with rennet (animal stomach)

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2017 18:38

Depends on the cheese - some cheese is still made with animal rennet but a great deal produced this days is made with synthetic rennet.

It tends to be artisan/trad cheeses like authentic parmesan which still use animal rennet (tesco cheapo imitation parmesan is by far the best substitute I've found).

Some cheeses are labelled suitable for vegetarians, but a great many more are also made with synthetic rennet. There are a number of supermarket and other websites which are quite helpful for info eg cheese.joyousliving.com/CheeseListBrand.aspx

Daydream007 · 03/01/2017 18:40

She sounds awful. How hard would it have been for her to put a veggie option together? Cheese sandwiches even? Rude and nasty.

katseyes7 · 03/01/2017 18:46

l haven't eaten meat for almost 30 years. Partly due to my ex MIL dishing up belly pork for Sunday dinner when my ex and l were 'courting'. l was more than happy to just have veggies, but one Sunday she forgot (genuinely, it wasn't done on purpose) and put gravy on my dinner plate. l've never liked gravy, even when l ate meat. My ex had a go at me for saying l'd just do without rather than eat it. Which probably explains why he's an ex....
That was an awful situation for you. l'd be inclined to tell your husband that he should have stood up for you. And that if it happens again, you get up, leave, and go somewhere else to eat. And he should have the balls to come with you.
lt's totally unreasonable to invite people to eat and not cater for everyone. As other people have said, putting out some cheese and crackers, or nice crusty bread, potato salad, or even at a push, some veggies and dips wouldn't have killed her.

NataliaOsipova · 03/01/2017 18:46

If the MIL had "suddenly realised" that she had failed to provide any non-meat based food by accident, she would, like most normal people, have apologised profusely and gone and got bread and cheese and anything else suitable herself

Exactly! I've been on the other side of this - had 25 friends for a birthday buffet lunch. Totally forgot one is vegetarian. Cue huge embarrassment from me....and cries of "No, I'm absolutely fine with bread/cheese/salad and a bit of quiche" from her. As there are always such things in a buffet! So no harm done in the end, but I did feel bad. But to put out nothing - even bread or salad you could have and not to be mortified and rushing around to rectify the mistake - snacks of a clearly thought out insult.

HardcoreLadyType · 03/01/2017 18:50

My MIL is like this.

You need to stand up to her. Don't wait for your DH or FIL to do it.

Once, when we had not been together long, DH (then DP) and I had just moved house. MIL announced that she had arranged for us to go and gave a family dinner with her sister who lived 1.5 hours away. We were supposed to drive there for dinner, and back, all in the day we had moved house. I told him if was ridiculous, and I didn't want to go. He agreed, but refused to tell her we weren't coming. So I did.

He was amazed that it was actually possible for anyone to say "no" to his mother! He has done it many times now he has had my example to follow!

BIgBagofJelly · 03/01/2017 18:50

There is no possible way your DH can believe it wasn't deliberate. It's actually incredibly difficult to prepare a buffet without a single vegetarian dish, no salad? no bread? no cheese? I'm not a vegetarian but wouldn't want to eat nothing but meat. If you're planning to eat there again definitely have DH make it clear that he won't be staying if there's nothing for you to eat.

WhyOhWine · 03/01/2017 18:59

Can I ask a couple of questions?

  1. Do you get on with SIL/BIL? What did they make of her behaviour?
  1. When they came to yours for a meal, did you serve meat or just vege stuff? (wondered if she had a "revenge" motive - not that it is any excuse)
TrapDoorInACanoe · 03/01/2017 19:02

I would have made your dh send out for food, making sure it's not cheap buffet food, but some delicious 3 course veggie menu, then I would have eaten it in front of her, savouring every bite, and afterwards thanking DH loudly for spoiling you rotten by spending so much on you for the lovely dinner, and what a devoted one-in-million husband he is to pamper you like that. Then remark that veggie food is do much more delicious, you don't know why people bother with meat.

Mammyashy1 · 03/01/2017 19:22

Totally out of order I have 2 vegan sisters and always go out of my way when they are coming over. I make sure I have almond milk for cuppas and vegan friendly food in even if most goes to waste. I would do the same for anyone coming over x