Left out of lunch

[LittleMermaidRose]

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

Ouch. If that was me I wouldn't be able to let it go. I'd make a really big deal on Facebook about the amazing gift I was about to buy her and then present her (in full view of the rest of the in-laws) with a beautifully wrapped vegetarian cookbook with the sale stickers still half stuck all over it...but that's evil me

what was the food that none of it was suitable for vegetarians!?

Is that an actual question?

The answer is meat, BTW

Quite a few comments starting out that this was passive aggressive.
It wasn't, it was aggressive aggressive.
You have to go pretty hard out of your way to fill a table with items, every single one of which contains meat.
Accept with delight next time then practice like fury:
"Oh, MIL, I thought you had invited us for lunch".
"That's a lovely meal for 5, but I thought 6 of us we're having a meal together."
"You know that I am very happy having bread/hummus/carrots/tomato pasta salad/whatever, why did you go out of your way to ensure there was not one single item on the table for me to eat."
"That's kind of you to invite us to lunch but ensure I couldn't eat a single thing, we're going now."
"Thank you FIL, that's a very kind offer of a cheese sandwich, I know being a vegetarian can make catering difficult sometimes but not half as difficult as only putting meat items out. A cheese sandwich would be delightful, thank you so much for showing that you care about me."

A bully doesn't like being stood up to, get as armoury of phrases ready, prepare for tears, knashing of teeth and her trying to act all hard done by. And hash it out. In the open. Ideally as loudly as possible in front of as many people as possible.

Also works for workplace harassment. Bullies don't like large groups of spectators.

So what if you never go back afterwards, sounds like your FIL has had enough years of it, never mind your OH. Don't join the queue.

Thank you for all the responses, I actually do feel more prepared for when something like this happens again.

I seen a couple of questions about BIL & SIL. BIL, I don't actually see very often as he works a lot, so we're not very close at all. I'm a lot closer with SIL, but this is her mother, so I don't really feel I can speak to her about my treatment.
Neither of them had said anything at the time of incident either but I suppose with me saying that I wasn't hungry anyway, they probably thought there was no need.

LittleMermaidRose I don't think it is helpful to drag your SIL into this to be honest.

Lots of great ideas here but I do wonder. Not everyone has the money to go out for a really great meal at the drop of a hat. Even a really nice take away is not in some people's budget unless they save up.

The OP should not need to go out and supply her own food for a meal.

Imagine if that became a thing, then OP would have the disadvantage of being slighted by her MIL, unsupported by her SIL and, most significantly of all, her dh, and still need to buy her own food for a meal she was invited to!

I know there is not only one answer to any problem but I think, in light of what has already happened, Mermaid you need to speak to DH before even you forget how unpleasant this felt.

Tell you MIL by email/letter/in person (or phone if that is the only option), how rude you found this.

Next time you are invited at a meal time, if you choose to accept, call beforehand to see what is on offer for you, or do not accept offers of visits at 'mealtimes'!

And when there, personally, I do think it is best to accept what is offered (if veggie), even if it is a measly offering; because to not do so, plays into her hands. You can still complain about feeling slighted and left out but you can do it with something in your tummy!

I know no contact is always an option when families fall out, and if she were being really terrible, or you had kids who were being treated disproportionately to your SIL's child, I would definitely consider it. But in this situation, I would not suggest no contact straight away. For lots of reasons:
I don't think your dh would support you
I think it may even be what your MIL wants, (which I would be loath to give her!)
and you could find yourself feeling even more on the outside (as could dh)

Please tackle this, pick your battles. This is a real tangible and discernible problem.

My first thought was to make a big fuss and draw attention to MIL's cruelty, but that could so easily backfire and end up with MIL in tears "I do try to do my best," she says while stuffing a pork pie in her mouth, and you look the meanie with others telling you to be nicer to MIL! Could happen.

So always keep your cool, be honest and fair, but be assertive.

All the pay back of cooking her a veggie meal, limiting food when she visits, making fun of her etc on Facebook, these will not resolve the issues, tempting as they may be!

I think you need her to either admit "I don't like you." And you go from there, working with your dh to break this all down, before N/C - or - you make her change her behavior because she realizes she is showing herself up, big time! IMVHO

I feel for you OP. I think you should bring this up with you DH and he should have a word with his mum. It was inconsiderate and rude of her to exclude you. She also sounds like a lousy host by the sound of her buffet. Not much effort made for the meat-eaters either if she just bought in a load of stodgy ready made party food.

Haven't RTFT all the way through, but as well as MIL being offensive and rude, I'm very unimpressed with your husband and FIL. One of them should have picked up the car keys and said 'right, I'm off to the shop to get something for OP to eat, back soon'. Letting it slide was not good enough.

What a witch! I'd be fuming at my OH if he let his mother treat me like this, he shouldn't let her get away with this. Plus, who has a buffet where nothing is meat free anyway?! Get your Oh to stand up to his mothet and let her know she's not having either of you bother with her until she stops being so inconsiderate! Any special diet should be catered for if you've invited someone and it's not hard catering for a vegatrian. God even if someone turned up, for say sunday roast, without telling me they were veggie, I'd put some effort in and find something to give them! So would most people!

The reason I worry about standing up to her is that I know she will turn it around & make it look like I'm the evil one.

I really don't want my DH to have to pick sides between me & his mother, so I hate having to bring up the subject of me being upset with her, with him. I feel like it just causes tension between us, which I hate. It's so very hard to know what to do!

To be honest, I doubt any normal, sane person could think something like that was your fault. And it's not asking your DH to pick sides, it's asking him to support you against someone who is bullying you.

My mil is a bit of a bully, but I know that DH would never tolerate her behaving like that with me and he has stood up to her if she has ever tried it when I'm not around. She doesn't do it to my face because she knows I would call her on it. We get on OK now because she has tested the boundaries and knows she can't bully me. DH doesn't feel like he's had to pick a side because he's a normal, sane person too.

But, I'm sorry, you DO need to stand up for yourself, however difficult you may find it initially. Otherwise this will just continue. You've had a lot of good advice on this thread, please consider taking it.

Good luck. :)

You don't need to mention his mother - I felt embarrassed about not having food - I was upset when I received X - make it about you are your feelings -

Also practice repeating what someone else says

'You can't have any of this' - repeat 'I can't have any of this?'

Ball now in her court to explain - you haven't caused an argument nor are you asking a question - it puts them on the spot to explain what they mean - AND they hear what they've just said - give it a try - it's a wonderful little trick

Your DH should have said something. You need to communicate with him! You shouldn't find your MIL intimidating. Do not allow her to bully you in the future.
But it really isn't your battle, your DH should have sorted out some lunch for you. Sounds like he's frightened of her too!

In all seriousness I think you need to tell your DH how you feel and don't let him shoo it away. However, I wouldn't tell MIL that it has bothered you though, because I get the feeling she's waiting for that so she can pull a weepy "but all I do is try my best" type line.
In fact, I'd be carry on as if you seemingly hadn't noticed/aren't bothered by any of these things at all and "Love Bomb" the living snot out of her until she gives up. For example, if you are invited to another meal, ask if she is certain because you wouldn't want to put her to any extra trouble. If she mentions gifts, tell her how clever she was to shop in the sales. If she comments on other meals on Facebook, comment yourself on how lovely it was that they came to yours and what a wonderful time you and DH had with them. Get the general idea? It's not easy, but it's effective (and you get the bonus of knowing that there isn't a thing they can say against it without looking bad).

I think the idea of having certain phrases on hand is a good one as I am usually so flummoxed by rudeness that I can't think of anything to say at the time. Also repeating her words back to her as a question is a good one.

I hope you can tackle this but don't expect everything to change all in a flash. You will need to get used to being more assertive and that will take a bit of time. Just keep trying, small steps are good.

You should have said in a loud dramatic voice "oh I'm starving...where's the veggie option?"
Then when it became obvious by her embarrassment that there wasn't anything you should have left.
She is a horrid rude thoughtless woman and I wouldn't be going there again.
She intimidates you because you let her get away with it, why on earth did you stay? Your Dh should have stuck up for you too, and made it clear that she either accepts you or you won't visit them. She should ferl lucky you want to spend time at theirs.

@SundialShadow

Is there any particular reason you have singled out my comment from two days ago "what was the food that none of it was suitable for vegetarians!?"

And thought it warranted your comment over 200 posts later

"Is that an actual question?

The answer is meat, BTW "

Even if you missed that 2 minutes and 3 posts later I had acknowledged that I had posted too soon and clarified that I was just incredulous that a buffet would be all non-vegetarian unless they were going out of the way for it to be so, I don't think even as a standalone my comment was so unclear that it could reasonably be thought that I did not understand that none of the food supplied was vegetarian

My SIL came for Christmas. I made sure that every buffet had enough vegetarian options as well as a lovely veggie option for every course on Christmas Day. I did put prawns a bit close to the egg so I made her a special egg only plate. Veggie party food like spring rolls, mini pizzas, mini quiche etc can be eaten by everyone. It sounds a horrible situation.

Mazzystarlett "... I wouldn't tell MIL that it has bothered you though, because I get the feeling she's waiting for that so she can pull a weepy "but all I do is try my best" type line."

This may be true!

"In fact ... "Love Bomb" the living snot out of her until she gives up. For example, if you are invited to another meal, ask if she is certain because you wouldn't want to put her to any extra trouble. If she mentions gifts, tell her how clever she was to shop in the sales. If she comments on other meals on Facebook, comment yourself on how lovely it was that they came to yours and what a wonderful time you and DH had with them. Get the general idea?"

This is a great post and some brilliant ideas.

LittleMermaidRose if you can pull this off I would be tempted to go for it, but I would also be careful about doing anything that makes you feel you are colluding in your own abuse.

However, if you know that, for example, offering to bring food for a meal will be taken up by her, and will inconvenience you, then only offer to go after a meal for afternoon tea or whatever, - don't underestimate she may be offering meat-cake! So make sure you have genuinely eaten and are not hungry when you go!

You said OP "The reason I worry about standing up to her is that I know she will turn it around & make it look like I'm the evil one." I think you need to seriously consider if you and dh will ever have children whether you will want this woman in your child/ren's life/lives f this is her attitude.

I really think YOU need to work out what to do with your other half. Loads of good suggestions the thread.

As I said, there is really not only one way to deal with this, lots of good different ideas of how to cope. But for the sake of your own mental health I think you need to decide what you want to do.

I feel it's time to return the buffet invite...

Ur MIL was very wrong. She should've got something for u. Others could've had it aswell especially as all that meat products wouldn't be good for them. Next time refuse to go or get up and leave if she's being rude.

@TyneTeas

So sorry, in future when you ask stupid questions, I will try to pick you up on it within 1 day or 199 posts.

Anything to make you happy dear.

Toddles
X

user1480946351 -- many of us think that OP should be more angry with DH than MIL because ...drumroll...

DH not MIL was the one who promised OP, in the name of God, to take care of her in sickness and whatnot, etc.

IMO, that includes getting up and making OP a damn sandwich instead of letting her go hungry! This does not require him to confront his domineering DM, btw.