Left out of lunch

[LittleMermaidRose]

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

biys not bots!

A male not asks

boys!!!!!!!!!!

(yes not all boys!)

Why do some posters always feel the need to read out threads to their partners for relay back to the thread of vomit-inducing smuggery direct from His Master's Voice?

I love this

Did everyone just sit around and eat without saying anything? Surely SIL and BIL know your vegetarian, didn't they ask why you weren't eating? I'm not confrontational by any stretch of the imagination but I can't imagine not opening my mouth in this situation, regardless if it were done to me or someone else in the room. What a weird situation.

LittleMermaidRose "I haven't actually spoke to my DH about it since, it was a busy day & it was just sort of forgotten about."

NO, he forgot about it, you did not. You have been speaking to us for 8 pages, 8 pages about how this bothers you and we have been saying we agree! And whether we are saying get your dh to step up, or you step up, almost everyone had said you are right to find this unacceptable

I agree with thatdearoctopus "Why wait? Why not say to him today, "Look, I can't stop thinking about yesterday and what happened with the food. I'm really hurt that I could have been side-lined in that way."

If he then starts saying, "oh, it wasn't on purpose," ask him, "how come? How would you explain it then?"

I think you and dh need to decide how to proceed. If it were me I would like to send an email or note/letter saying that I was upset to not have any food prepared for me at all when invited for lunch. And that I felt unable to accept even the measly offer of a cheese sandwich by MIL's attitude to this situation. I had said I was still full from breakfast because I was so embarrassed/angry/upset (choose your own words, of course!) by the situation MIL had created.

IF/WHEN you feel strong enough, and if she is sufficiency local, I would try and call round, alone or together. the trouble with a phone call is she could talk over you or hang up, which I am guessing would feel really bad for you!

PidgeyfinderGeneral 'being the martyr' this is the total wrong use of the word martyr and implies that OP is 'doing this' (putting up with shit) for some higher motive. She is not. She is putting up with it as she has not yet learned how to stand up to her MIL. But she will. I feel sure.

You post is really insulting, even to the point of her pulling up her pants, WTF does that mean?!

Mermaid I really feel you should not offer to supply your own food. If she cannot cater for you do not go at meal times.

I also feel NC may be too fast if a move, I would try and resolve this with her and with DP and keep NC in your back pocket for if this feel too hard.

This wesite looks interesting, you can read a bit and listen to a short bit on line before going any further. It explains the difference between assertiveness and aggression. Helpful, maybe.

www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

But it is your call.

You need to stop being so self effacing, OP. You are playing straight into her hands. She's relying on you being a nice, polite martyr 'Oh, no, mil, it's fine that you forgot me and were a horrible fucking bitch to me AGAIN, I'll just sit here quietly while my dh tucks into the buffet from which you have deliberately excluded me' . Don't let her do that to you! And yes, your DH was a massive wuss, mine would have whisked us out to buy suitable stuff. He needs to stick up for you and you present a united front.

Blimey, if you plan on having dc, I'm seriously worried for you being steamrollered by bitch features.

It's clear that it was a deliberate insult. If the MIL had "suddenly realised" that she had failed to provide any non-meat based food by accident, she would, like most normal people, have apologised profusely and gone and got bread and cheese and anything else suitable herself. She not only did not do this, she huffed when her husband offered to do it!
Clear, deliberate insult.

People like this need confronting head on.
"why are you leaving me out of lunch? Is there a problem?"
said whilst brandishing a bread knife

I'd have gone and got for myself a delicious veggie take away and sat and ate it in front of everyone and ruined her pathetic little buffet. Fight fire with fire!

MIL was rude. But I'd be most pissed at DH though. Why didn't he just get up and make you a damn sandwich!!?? Instead he just sat there and barely ate! Hate to say it, but he sounds like a loser.

This is clearly a snub op. I recently produced a buffet for non-vegetarians. The buffet included bread, cheese, mini pizzas and salad. All standard buffet Fayre.
Next time I would say that you will give it a miss as it really is a heart attack on a plate.

Both give it a miss.

Loads of good advice given all ready. Agree with the op who said she is fiery and would have walked out. Me too. Still can't understand why bil and silly sat there and said nothing too, and your dh seriously needs to step up. So many posts about families weird attitudes to food lately! Fascinating. So odd to invite someone round then deliberately starve them.

SIL not silly! Though they are all silly putting up with this narcissist shire.

Next time simply ask what she'll have for you? If nothing, don't go.

Invite her around for lunch then ask her to limit what she eats as you wouldn't want it wasted on carnivores

So she invited you for lunch, and then refused to feed you? Extraordinarily rude! How hard is it to bung together some cheese and biscuits?

What did your DH say?

I get this with my MIL too. She insists on massive family gatherings, and then proceeds to cook meat, meat, meat and meat, and serve it with a side of meat. The four vegetarians get almost completely ignored, apart from a cereal bowl of 'salad' (wilted lettuce and a tomato cut into quarters) and a dish of roast potatoes. Maybe some coleslaw if we're lucky. I feel your pain, OP

I can't believe that it WASNT deliberate, going by the list of foods on offer (so assuming this is what they like to eat -beige stodgy pastry things) she could have offered a non meat quiche, some cheese and bread, mini pizzas, breaded mozzarella sticks, onion bahjees, veg spring rolls - all stuff that is next to the meaty party food. Nothing that would have required any more prep than the meat stuff. No one - not even the biggest meat lover would normally have EVERYTHING containing meat do I really think it was a deliberate act!

If it was us I know DH would have immediately made us leave.

She sounds like a mean, rude bully. What I don't understand is why DHs never speak up? Thankfully my family & ILs are lovely but if mine ever did something knowingly to upset my DH then I'd say something. And I know my DH would do the same.

People say next time (I wouldn't entertain a next time) bring your own. I say host your own party and serve nothing but veggie! But offer to make your FIL a ham sandwich! Childish I know!

My MIL would never behave in such a disgraceful way. I think thats really mean of her to have done that I hope her DH and DS has words with her afterwards so it doesn't happen again

Yes I would invite them round but only serve really exotic veggie food (they don't sound the type to regularly eat yummy things couscous and goats cheese and tofu etc. If MIL doesn't like mushrooms or peppers or something I would include it in every dish!!!

Why are you more angry with your MIL than your DH though?

Because she made the food, in her house. He didn't. As pp said, he grew up with a domineering mother, you don't just suddenly see what she's like and be able to stand up to her, its not that easy. OP was pretty meek and mild as well...

I would expect my DH to either tell his mum to prepare something vegetarian or say we weren't staying for lunch and leave with me. (Was bought up Vegetarian) I've catered to meat eaters when I've cooked and this is so rude and OTT to me that would be the only reasonable response! She's a grown up so she either invites you both for lunch and therefore caters for you, or simply says she'd like to see her son without you for lunch. Passive aggressive BS like this shouldn't be put up with and I'd be furious at your DH if I were you!