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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of lunch

260 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:20

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

OP posts:
MiladyThesaurus · 02/01/2017 12:59

Honestly, at this point I'd be telling DH that I was having nothing more to do with his mother. Just don't invite her to your house or go to her house at all if she isn't going to make you welcome and, indeed, is going to go out of her way to leave you out and make you feel bad.

I'd be annoyed if DH didn't say something if there was purposefully nothing for me to eat. You have to put quite a bit of effort in to provide nothing suitable for a vegetarian in a buffet. And produce a dreadful buffet of beige processed meat and nothing else.

They are his family and you do not need to be treated badly by them. Just refuse until put yourself in the situation at all. If you DH cannot understand that then you have big problems with him.

thatdearoctopus · 02/01/2017 13:01

I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Hmm But not sufficiently badly that he called his mother out on it. And do you think she noticed or even cared about his pathetic attempt at solidarity?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/01/2017 13:02

Or you could have walked into the kitchen and loudly looked in all the cupboards roaring "Meat everywhere, not a green thing in sight! It's a wonder you don't have scurvy mil" Fight arseholery with arseholery. *

*Disclaimer:better advice is available

thatdearoctopus · 02/01/2017 13:03

Grin Lois

MiladyThesaurus · 02/01/2017 13:06

I can't believe that the OP is feeling sorry for her DH because he simply ate a bit less of the (frankly unappealing) buffet than he otherwise might.

My DH would have left and taken me to eat lunch somewhere else.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 13:07

LittleMermaid, you don't say if you have children or not but, if you don't get this thing under control NOW, you can expect some really trouble further down the line. You and husband are a team and need to behave as such.

I don't want to generalise as either sex can be like this but a lot of men definitely are like this - they will follow the path of least resistance and, take things at face value in the absence of definite instruction not to. Your husband wasn't given a definite reason to confront his mother's rudeness... so he didn't.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 13:14

Some excellent ppsts, especially on page 4, especially Hesterson and C8H10N4O2.

RhiWrites · 02/01/2017 13:18

I told my partner this story and asked what he would have done.

He said he'd have said we're going out to lunch. I then asked what if the cheese sandwich had been produced. He said too late, we'd still be going out.

My MIL would never have done this though because she actually likes me.

dollydaydream114 · 02/01/2017 13:21

I would have said yes to the cheese sarnie and said "That's so sweet of you, FIL, how kind" and then told your MIL to let you know next time that she won't be providing food for you so you can bring a couple of dishes along.

I totally agree your MIL is being a bitch. It isn't remotely hard to provide a vegetarian option at a buffet; in fact, it's a bloody weird buffet if there isn't one! I eat meat but I wouldn't want a plateful of nothing but meat.

YelloDraw · 02/01/2017 13:26

MIl is a bitch but you and your DH are seriously pathetic.

FIL offer weed to make you a sandwich - you were a riff wet blanket not to say 'thanks, that would be lovely of you'.

And your DH didn't pull his Mum up on her behaviour.

People can only treat you as you let ourself be treated. Try and find your backbone.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/01/2017 13:27

The mil has known the op for six years, it definitely sounds like a passive aggressive swipe and I don't think offering to take her own food in future will sort it, more reinforce it iyswim? My dsis is veggie and happy to bring her food to parties so I don't disagree with that advice generally, just in this situation.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 13:28

Mumzypopz, no I don't think, based on all the OP has said she was just realising there was nothing for the OP. Who the duck has nothing non meat based in their house ever! I'd always have the ability to make a cheese toastie, omelette or salad of some sort! At Christmas you could barely shut out fridge for cheese! This is a mature person not a student who am empty larder!

Crumbs why should OP provide a feast for herself when invited over for lunch. I know it is a solution to the issue of food bit of bullying. I think the stand up to her option will empower OP. No contact is great of the OP wants it. Or could she end up alone on new year's day while her dh goes to see his mum!

She cannot make her MIL like her she can make her MIL treat her with respect. I believe it can be done. But first OP needs to say loudly " I know I a. worthy of respect" (to herself!) And say to MIL "what is there for me for lunch!"

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 13:30

I know it is a solution to the issue of food but not to the issue of bullying.

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/01/2017 13:30

To be invited as a family for a buffet style lunch and then be told YOU can't have anything was cruel and nasty. The intent to ostracise from the group. Then your DH tucks in??? Your FIL tries to make right the VERY obvious wrong...much to the distain of MIL?? Then everyone else eats the rather tasteless buffet...thus enabling the ostracism to continue.

Does anyone stand up to this woman? Because until someone speaks their mind she will continue pulling this shit!

I wonder how MIL would of felt if everyone there gathered together and made a point of singling out her? Maybe left her with her buffet and went elsewhere to eat?

mirokarikovo · 02/01/2017 13:32

I'm sure someone has already said this upthread but you don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem. If you DH respected you and wasn't a massive cock himself, the moment your MIL said that you would have all gone back in the car and driven to the nearest cafe that served decent veggie food. Once you had all eaten perhaps then you might pop back to MIL for 30 mins once lunch time was over before going home. That would show respect to you and show his mother that you are to be respected. That he didn't do that is just telling you and MIL that he doesn't respect you and she can do what she likes to treat you like dirt. Your own behaviour confirmed to both of them that these attitudes were quite correct and that you accept and agree with being treated like dirt. If you refuse to demand respect you will not receive it.

Rikalaily · 02/01/2017 13:33

What an effing bitch! Inviting you over then not providing anything for you to eat, calculating mare. I would make sure I invited them over for a buffet and provide only food that she doesn't like/can't eat. Petty? Yes, but I would be hoping she had the brass balls the make a comment about it so I could let rip.

maddy68 · 02/01/2017 13:46

There must have been bread etc why did you say you will go and get the cheese and make a sandwich , there must also have been salad stuff I can't imagine any buffet not having cheese, bread salad etc
I also don't understand why people are jumping on the husband, she was offered a cheese sandwich which she declined, her husband encouraged her to accept she still declined.
I think reading between the lines here. The op is looking for ways to feel she is being bullied by the mil.
She was offered food, yes there is a lot of meaty food on the table that is not bullying, BUT there would have been things for her to eat even if they weren't what she would have preferred

thatdearoctopus · 02/01/2017 13:54

The op is looking for ways to feel she is being bullied by the mil.

maddy WTF?? Shock

Megatherium · 02/01/2017 13:59

maddy, do try and read the OP's posts. You may not be able to imagine a buffet without salad, cheese, bread etc but the whole point is that that is precisely the buffet that was provided - almost certainly deliberately. Do you think inviting a vegetarian to lunch, providing a selection of dishes all of which contain meat and carefully pointing out that the vegetarian could eat none of them might conceivably be bullying behaviour?

maddy68 · 02/01/2017 14:02

I should have elaborated on that :)
I meant it seems there are ongoing issues but there are always two sides to every story
Of the op felt there was no suitable food that would have been another source of validation.
I would suggest that there was food as the op has failed to answer the queries was there bread, salad etc
There was clearly cheese or there could be no sandwich?
People were judging the hits and but perhaps he issued to this....
I'm not saying that there are no issiesbeyweej them but I am suggesting that the op is being economical with the truth

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/01/2017 14:02

The mil said "you can't have any" then made faces when the fil wanted to make a sandwich. It's as if she was punishing op for being vegetarian. Some people see it as a pain in the arse.

Bluetrews25 · 02/01/2017 14:02

My late ILs had a total meat / seafood buffet with not a trace of green, and heavy emphasis on foods they knew I disliked, too.
How were BIL and SIL in this?
Embarrassed?
If there is a next time, as PPs have suggested, I agree with the both of you just turning around and walking out. And not returning. Do this every time.
It would be nice if BIL and SIL would join you on walking out. Can you discuss it with them and test the water?

maddy68 · 02/01/2017 14:03

Fblody autocorrect but you get my drift

girlelephant · 02/01/2017 14:05

OP what has happened since? The majority of PPs including I think YANBU and your MIL has been incredibly rude. The majority of us also believe your DH should have stepped in as it was his family. Has he spoken to her since to advise this is unacceptable? My DH would have spoken up and then taken me out for lunch somewhere else. I just don't understand how people could find this acceptable

Megatherium · 02/01/2017 14:06

Maddy, OP has answered that question. She listed what was provided as "quiche Lorraine, cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, a chorizo platter thing, chicken skewers & mini pork pies" and went on to say there wasn't one thing that she could eat. Plus the MiL specifically pointed out to her that "you can't have any of this". The cheese was presumably in the kitchen.

It's pretty rude to decide that OP is lying when you haven't read her posts properly.