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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of lunch

260 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:20

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 02/01/2017 14:18

OP, I've just had a quick look at your other threads.
It's her, not you. She is vile.
Minimise contact or go NC asap.
You do not want to be lumbered with looking after her in her old age, as a poster on one said. You reap what you sow.
Or you could smirk and say 'oh MIL, you are so brave being rude to the people who will be choosing your nursing home for you!' (I'd be too cowardly, but hold the thought!)

maddy68 · 02/01/2017 14:20

Maybe it's been taken out of context. Maybe the mil face was embarrassment 'you can't have any? Having realised it was meaty and then Fil offered the cheese?

maddy68 · 02/01/2017 14:23

The op didn't reply to the following posts which asked was there no bread, salads etc?
That's why I believe she has been economical with the truth. I'm not saying she's lying but asked for clarification.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/01/2017 14:23

No she was annoyed at fil offering to fix it, suggesting she didn't want op to be catered for, hence left out.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/01/2017 14:28

So what will happen next time

Cos there will be one

Whether sale price tags on presents etc etc

You need to grow some balls as does dh

Sadly both my and df mum are dead but if they were alive and either treated our partner like that we would be having words

thatdearoctopus · 02/01/2017 14:30

I would say that, if anything, the OP has been too far the other way in trying not to complain about or criticise either her mil or her dh. She's been looking to excuse their behaviour.

Jaysis · 02/01/2017 14:38

Next time, you and your DH airily reply "oh, that's a shame. Not to worry, we will pop out for some veggie buffet supplies and be back in 15 mins"

Then fuck off to a restaurant for a few hours and eventually return claiming that you didn't really like the selection in the supermarket so had a lovely meal instead.

You really need DH to put his balls back on and recognise what she's doing - it's the kind of subtle stuff that a lot of men can miss unless you point it out to them. And he needs to stick up for you.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 14:45

maddy to presume people encourage being bullied is a very unpleasant thing to say. Angry

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 02/01/2017 14:58

Maddy, I did reply with a list of the food that was offered.

I know I should have accepted the sandwich but I was already embarrassed that she had left me out & when she huffed about it I certainly didn't want to accept.

Looking back I know I should have & I do wish I had said something to her, but I didn't know what to say when it happened.

But you're right, maybe I am encouraging her bullying by letting it happen.

If this was happening to a friend I would be encouraging her to stand up for herself, but it's always harder when it's yourself.

I haven't actually spoke to my DH about it since, it was a busy day & it was just sort of forgotten about. Next time we're inviting over though I think I'll say "but there was nothing for me to eat last time" & see what he says.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 02/01/2017 15:00

Why wait? Why not say to him today, "Look, I can't stop thinking about yesterday and what happened with the food. I'm really hurt that I could have been side-lined in that way."

If he then starts saying, "oh, it wasn't on purpose," ask him, "how come? How would you explain it then?"

And tell him NOW that you won't be going there again, so he can't accept an invitation and then tell you it's too late and would be rude to pull out.

RhiWrites · 02/01/2017 15:03

Maddie please RTFT! OP did post what was on the menu and I reposted it in response to someone else.

The OP said there was "quiche Lorraine, cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, a chorizo platter thing, chicken skewers & mini pork pies".

Nothing she could eat, right. Except I bet you're the type to say she chose not to eat it.

thatdearoctopus · 02/01/2017 15:03

I mean, ffs, on what PLANET is this acceptable behaviour?

And for those people saying you should have taken your own food, is that how it works now? You take flowers, chocolates and wine to someone's house as a guest, but now have to pack up a cool-bag with your own meal as well?

SparklyGlitterPants · 02/01/2017 17:21

Just read the op out to my dh. He is beyond disgusted. I asked him what he would have done if his mother done this to me and his exact words were "ripped her a fucking new one, you're my wife and deserve to be treated with respect, not just as my wife but as a person in your own right as well".

I then read out the ops in your other 2 threads and his response to all of it put together was "fuck that for a game of conkers. I'd be done with my mother completely if she treated you like that".

So op yes you need to confront the coniving scheming bitch of a mil but your husband also needs to grow a set and do the same.

I say this as someone raised with the classical casebook narc for a mother; where everyone just went along with her to keep the peace and for a quite life. That stopped the second i hit 18 and moved out on my birthday. I wasnt living with her shite anymore so didnt have to put up with it.

Neither does your dh. Yes the bil (bitch in law) will strop, throw tantrums blame you ect but just let her off. Stand firm , both you and your dh, and it will eventually stop.

She will ignore ye for a while then be all nice as pie, then turm bitchy again and so on, hoping you will cave this time but don't.

It took me yeeeeaaarrsss to get it through to my mum that i wasnt putting up with her behaviour but it worked eventually.

Or you could just go NC now and not bother with her ever again.

Ultimately it's up to you what you do but you have to do something unless you are for this treatment to continue for the next few decades (depending on bitch in laws age).

SparklyGlitterPants · 02/01/2017 17:23

Sorry for the long post and typos btw.

ChasedByBees · 02/01/2017 17:29

OP you need to raise this now with your DH while the memory is still fresh. Frankly I'd have been insulted by a cheese sandwich as an afterthought whilst everyone else has been catered for.

If this ever happens again, just leave. You can be polite but why stay for lunch when you're not given food?

I also am aghast at your DH and think you should be similarly cross and disappointed with him. What did your BIL and SIL think? Surely it was just really awkward for everyone?

Megatherium · 02/01/2017 17:34

There's an overall theme in your threads of your MiL doing her utmost to belittle you and make it clear to the world that she thinks nothing of you. You really do need to have a discussion with your DH about pulling her up very firmly on this, and making it clear that she has to start treating you with ordinary manners if she wants any sort of continuing relationship with either of you.

honeyroar · 02/01/2017 18:25

I think you need to throw it back at her in public. When she says there is nothing for you to eat rely loudly, "again?? You're hopeless. I've never met anyone that can't think of one suitable veggie dish!" Or when you see the price tags say "gosh MIL you've left the price tags on. Youve been so generous!!"

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 02/01/2017 19:30

I'm sorry mermaid but you need to pick up your pants and stand up for yourself. I've seen all of your threads and the over-riding thing that strikes me is you apologising, being the martyr and deferring to everyone else in a kind of 'oh silly meee!' kind of way. For god's sake stop it.

Your MIL and DH are behaving appallingly. Why are you letting them? Would you allow your child to bully someone else? Your MIL is relying on you being too diffident to argue and your DH is being a spineless shit.

So next time you eat round there, you have two options:

  1. MIL, you know I don't eat meat and your whole meal contains meat. I'd afraid I can't eat it again, but I brought some veggie food to help you out. (then a frank reminder in private that you won't accept that kind of treatment).
  1. MIL, you know I don't eat meat. DH and I will pop out and have lunch somewhere else instead. Thanks anyway!
(you go out)

Seriously, you have got to not take this shit lying down otherwise people will just walk all over you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 21:17

Why do some posters always feel the need to read out threads to their partners for relay back to the thread of vomit-inducing smuggery direct from His Master's Voice?

RhiWrites · 02/01/2017 21:19

Confirmation it's not just woman who see it this way?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 21:22

Surely it wouldn't matter if you're a man or a woman - just a decent person. Anybody decent would see that this is something that isn't acceptable.

I truly don't believe half the stuff that's trotted out on MN now, it's often just posted to make the OP feel even worse if at all possible.

AmysTiara · 02/01/2017 21:24

To show not all men are like this Lying

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 21:27

I repeat, you don't need a penis to be able to see that this situation is wrong and that OP's husband needs to address this.

And since all of the posters could be hairy-handed truckers called Dave and nobody knows who anybody is here, validation from one of them seems a bit moot.

I don't think smug posts ever help.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 21:30

LittleMermaidRose "Looking back I know I should have & I do wish I had said something to her, but I didn't know what to say when it happened." it's good you are aware of this, great.

"But you're right, maybe I am encouraging her bullying by letting it happen."

NO, No, No. People who are the victims of bullying (which is what you are) are NOT fucking responsible for it. (sorry to swear but it makes me so mad!) Yes, you can do some stuff, yes you can change some stuff, but NO you are not responsible for another person treating you badly.

maddy is wrong about about that.

LittleMermaidRose "If this was happening to a friend I would be encouraging her to stand up for herself, but it's always harder when it's yourself." it is because basically you care more about others than yourself. you need to un-learn this! Most girls learn to care for others, from a dolly that needs its nappy changing to a teddy bears hospital. While bots are building towers and driving trucks (sometimes) girls are finding ways to put other people's needs first (sometimes). It is OK, you can care for others but remember that old thing about putting your own oxygen mask on first.

Look after yourself!

Daisychain2017 · 02/01/2017 21:31

I think it's because the posters can't rely on their own judgement so have to rely on their partners. Like you say completely unnecessary - pp could well have said instead my mum/friend x thinks this is bad too. You've got your own voice and judgement people! It is nice to have asks perspective but so many of the people on here could already be male!