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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of lunch

260 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:20

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 01/01/2017 23:52

This is very hurtful, what a bitch.

DH just sat there and ate his pork pies and quiche Lorraine?

Pineapplemilkshake · 01/01/2017 23:53

Your DP should have offered quietly to you for you both to leave and have lunch elsewhere. It was very rude of them all to eat while you went without. I wouldn't go back to her house again if I were you.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 01/01/2017 23:56

Quite frankly that is nasty behaviour of your MIL.

And also your DH needs a wake up call for eating and not standing up for you. It's clearly deliberate given what she said and he should have stood up for you. He needs to apologise to you, and to stick up for you in future.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2017 23:57

As a meat eater, who loves meat, I don't just want meat! It's an odd selection and almost seems like a passive aggressive move

MillionToOneChances · 01/01/2017 23:57

Very rude of her, but pretending not to be hungry was just silly. "Yes, thanks FIL. I'll need something to eat so a cheese sandwich and some crisps would be lovely". Girl up.

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2017 23:58

It's his Mum and Dad's house. Her DH should have made her a sandwich!

I think I need to calm down Blush

But this .... DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Has tipped me over the edge Grin

How can you have sympathy for your DH when he was so incredibly selfish?

JustSpeakSense · 01/01/2017 23:59

And also...you shouldn't have condoned her behaviour by saying you were still full from breakfast (so you and DH are both at fault for sitting there and saying nothing)

BurningBridges · 02/01/2017 00:00

There was no need for the cheese sandwich which frankly was just as insulting as the original meal.
There was no need for your DH to eat anything at all.

You were both capable of leaving and you should have done - she deliberately tried to humiliate you. Next time take "veggie" stuff?! What tosh. Next time say no and don't turn up.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 02/01/2017 00:01

A big meat only fest buffet sounds grim and I am a meat eater. No salad, bread, pasta, potatoes, anything? EVERYTHING had meat in in? That's really bizarre and sounds like it was very deliberate. How awful and rude!

Iggi999 · 02/01/2017 00:02

My mil is as big a meat eater as they come, but always cooks me vegetarian food. In fact I'll have to say thank you to her for that, it's been a steep learning curve!

KoalaDownUnder · 02/01/2017 00:02

The food selection sounds bloody awful anyway. Who wants to eat that much processed meat, with no salad or vegetables to balance it out? I wouldn't, and I'm no veggie.

Agree that your husband was also rude and selfish.

QueenMortificado · 02/01/2017 00:02

OP you have TWO other threads from just the last few days talking about what an arsehole your MIL is

Why haven't you had a serious conversation with your DH about her?

EmeraldIsle100 · 02/01/2017 00:04

She was extremely bad mannered and incredibly rude. Trust me is it not you its her. You had every right to feel upset and I would be too. She sounds like a nasty piece of work and I would avoid her like the plague.

I think your reaction was completely normal and I don't see any need for you to hoike up your big girl pants. She deliberately offended one of her guests not to mention a member of her family.

I recommend that the message gets through to her via her DS that if she ever pulls a stunt like that again you won't be coming to lunch ever again.

What a total bitch. I feel sorry for her DH who seemed to be suitably mortified about her behaviour.

Breadandwine · 02/01/2017 00:05

She's obviously annoyed that you're a veggie.

I'd join #veganuary, become a vegan, and really piss her off. Then, next time she comes round yours, make sure everything you serve is vegan. Grin

And, as has been said upthread, always take your own food when you visit her.

Oh, and have a quiet word with your DH - he needs to stand up to his bullying mother!

monkeywithacowface · 02/01/2017 00:06

If I was your dh I would have not eaten and left early and taken you out for lunch. That is really bad behaviour on your MIL's part and I would decline future invites.

Benedikte2 · 02/01/2017 00:06

Your DH should have told her it was unacceptable and unless she could provide some eggs, cheese etc you were both leaving to eat out.
As others have said seems very pointed where no salad etc provided. MIL could easily have bought a salad bowl, bean salad, and hard boiled eggs.
I hope if you ever have MIL for a meal OP that you provide only vegetarian food.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:07

I recommend that the message gets through to her via her DS that if she ever pulls a stunt like that again you won't be coming to lunch ever again.

Yeah right.

The same DS who 'encouraged' her to let his Dad make her a sandwich and then tucked into the food, when she claimed to be still full up from breakfast?

Good luck with that...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2017 00:08

Seriously, why the fuck didn't you just let someone make you a cheese sandwich? Or go and do it yourself?

MIL was an utter bitch, no doubt, but you're really not helping yourself by going into martyr mode over it! So what if she made faces, really, so what?
Now all you've done is let everyone know that you're ok with MIL's treatment of you, and that you'd rather sit with nothing than accept a perfectly reasonable and kind option to have something you could eat made for you.

I think that was a really silly thing to do. Next time, accept graciously - it'll be mud in the eye of your MIL and she'll look bad for deliberately excluding you. THIS time, you've actually made her look not so bad.

Rainbunny · 02/01/2017 00:09

Seriously - she did this very deliberately. I'd take it as a sign that relations are going to get worse between you both. Mind you, you may not have to put up with her for much longer if her diet consists of meat with a side of meat!

I also agree with pps who are calling out your DH for this. He didn't need to make a scene or anything but if this was me or my DH, we would likely have just politely excused ourselves to go have lunch somewhere else, there is just no way he or I could eat any lunch at a "lunch party" where my partner had been conspicuously shut out from participating. In future I would bring my own food to eat and I would make sure to bring my very best vegetarian dishes so that everyone else could look enviously at me while they eat their meat with a side of meat ;)

LaContessaDiPlump · 02/01/2017 00:11

I sympathise wholeheartedly op - we spent Xmas with MIL and she deliberately had made no plans at all for feeding the vegan (me) despite promising to do so and refusing offers of help. She didn't bank on me doing a massive shop and taking over her kitchen in order to make sure I was fed on the day, so that backfired Grin DH was decidedly Hmm at her and says we will NOT go there again.

Your MIL is extremely rude and the rest of them sound scared of her.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:12

No way would I bring my own food to eat in future and no way would I expect my DH to bring his own food to my parent's house, if he was vegetarian.

I'd either avoid visiting at meal times, or avoid visiting altogether, until my mother decided to stop acting like an eejit.

helennotsomadnow · 02/01/2017 00:13

your MIL is a bitch

If I was invited to lunch with DP and there was nothing he could eat, then I would leave, I would not eat and leave him sat there watching while he was hungry

QueenMortificado · 02/01/2017 00:13

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2812267-Ignored-by-in-laws

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2812287-Price-tags-left-on-gifts

You have much greater issues than just this. Need to have a serious talk with DH about it ASAP.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:15

LittleMermaidRose please get some assertiveness training!

And tell your MIL what an unpleasant move it was not to provide food for you AND to make you feel guilty about accepting your FIL offer of a cheese sandwich.

Please do not think this is all about your DH, it is not.

YES, he could have stood up for you but let's get real, he did not.

He let your mum treat you badly and so did your FIL. Clearly both men are not able to stand up to your MIL (correct me if I am wrong).

So it is your turn. Don't waste time trying to empower your dh to stand up for you, you get empowered and you stand up to your MIL.

It's simple. When she says...

"you can't have any of this".

You say, "Oh ok, what have you prepared for me MIL?" BIG SMILE.

Let her tell you in front of all her guests that she has not got anything for you.

"But MIL, I've been a vegetarian for 6 years, did you not think I would be hungry too?"

Put her on the back foot, please. Do not look to your dh to stick up for you. He has had a lifetime, maybe of not sticking up for himself. It would be fab if he could stick up for you, but it is not needed, you* can do it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2017 00:16

I think people are being harsh on the DH without fully understanding the nature of the relationship between the bullying parent and the intimidated child.

His father was probably offering as he has spent a lifetime making up for his wifes nastiness, but DH didnt insist on the sandwich as he probably knows what his mothers reaction to that would be.

If you havent grown up with a parent who's love you have to earn, who will withdraw it for any perceived slight, then its hard to understand why the DH didnt make a huge fuss about how shittily his wife was treated.

The people who would expect the DH to have stood up to his mother probably dont have parents who would do this, and therefore would never imagine a situation where they would keep quiet and play nice until they could leave.

All that said, I think a conversation about what happened and how to deal with it in future, including limiting future vists, should be a priority. The OP doesnt mention any kids so that implies they dont have any. If they are planned then OP, beware. Because people (not just Mothers in law, but anyone with that kind of attitude) get worse when babies are born and you really dont want to be dealing with that. You wont have control over your own child, what it eats, what it does etc when it is anywhere near her. She wont listen to you and your DH is is too into FOG (fear obligation and guilt) to stand up to her, so you need to deal with these issues now.