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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of lunch

260 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:20

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

OP posts:
Madeyemoodysmum · 02/01/2017 10:01

It won't be 'If' op it will be 'when' so get practising. Maybe get a friend to act as mil and you stand up for yourself with her Oh and you really need to talk to your dh too and say no more!

I really hope you can nail this.

Mumzypopz · 02/01/2017 10:09

When she said "you can't have any if this" could she have meant "oh god, I forgot your veggie, you can't have any of this". ? Please don't shoot me down in flames, but just wondering.....How old is she, does she have memory problems? How often do you go round to eat? Could she have literally just forgotten?

Only wondering this because last Christmas, my mother forgot a family member (who she only sees once a year) was veggie, what with catering for about ten people it slipped her mind. She hadn't been reminded.

This year, she was reminded and the whole table was full of cheese!!!!

Daisychain2017 · 02/01/2017 10:10

I've done that too - posted about essentially the same issue but different occasions - because I (and you) haven't and don't want to accept the situation so you keep thinking maybe it was this one occasion - was I being unreasonable/overly sensitive.
No, you aren't. She's a cow and like others have said see if in 2017 you can avoid her influence! Others have said stand up to her but tbh I don't think it'll make any difference other than you feeling stronger - she'll just continue like this whatever you do hence why I say avoid/go nc.

Crumbs1 · 02/01/2017 10:11

Regardless of whether it is bullying or not it is impolite and poor hosting. Next time go prepared - take a lovely vegetarian feast to,add to her rather common and unhealthy offering. Not just a cheese sandwich but several nice salads, some mushroom pate, a baguette, a frittata and a delicious onion tart. Say " I know you struggle to feed everyone things they eat so I brought a few things to help out" say with lovely smile and prime husband and children to eat veggie stuff whilst proclaiming loudly how delicious the buffet is this time. Smile sweetly all time and ask if there is any other help,she needs. More than one way to skin a cat.

Lorelei76 · 02/01/2017 10:29

I don't understand these conciliatory replies

Btw the poster who said their brother wouldn't cater for veggie at a wedding, what happened?

chocolateworshipper · 02/01/2017 10:30

ok I know this is unreasonable, but I would be SO tempted to invite them round for lunch at yours, prepare a vegetarian buffet and say to her "sorry - you can't have any of this" (whilst secretly passing FIL a plate of sausages and sausage rolls)

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/01/2017 10:35

I would have said "no problem, I'll go out for lunch" got my coat and left but I'm a hot head. Rude woman.

AlpacaPicnic · 02/01/2017 10:42

I wonder how she would react if your DH announced he was becoming vegetarian too? Not saying he has to renounce meat but if he said he did...?

itsmine · 02/01/2017 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allalonenow · 02/01/2017 11:02

I'm not getting all the "keep the peace" "be polite" messages, that is exactly why she is able to be so rude and such a bully.

As a PP said, I would have put on my coat and left immediately, and expected my DH to come with me.

Unless you stand up to her, you will have a lifetime of this treatment, and it will get worse as she sees what power she has over you.

Apart from FIL, what did the other family members do?

myusernamewastaken · 02/01/2017 11:03

I just would not visit the Mil again...id let DH go on his own and if anyone asked id tell them...

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 02/01/2017 11:22

It's so obviously deliberate. MIL has known OP for 6 years so knows OP is vegetarian.

And OP's DH needs to pull his head out his arse and talk to his mum.

I'd have walked out in search of food.

itsmine · 02/01/2017 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 02/01/2017 11:34

"'When I have spoke to him about it, he always insists that it's not done on purpose'"

So why isn't she saying sorry she forgot & offering something?

Why is she huffing about a cheese sandwich (which someone else said they would make) & crisps!

It surprises me that she did this in front of others.

I guess they are all scared of her &/or don't care about Op either.

RhiWrites · 02/01/2017 12:21

The husband is as awful as his mother.

He should have said "what a pity, well since OP can't eat anything we'll be going out for lunch".
Then when MIL said "oh she can have a cheese sandwich and crisps" husband should have continued.
"Don't be silly, wife can't sit here with a cheese sandwich while we have full plates and a choice of food."

He's made it clear that he cares more about upsetting his mother than about his wife eating a meal. What a prick.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 12:34

I really hope that you can find a good book on assertiveness or a course. It changes how you think.

Instead of always thinking 'how do other people feel', which we as women are conditioned to think (and I am a Christian so there is a good deal of thinking about others!), we start to think 'how do I feel."

This leads to questions on your head.

So, for example, with the lunch - if you say straight away "oh that's ok I'm not hungry, then you are allowing the other person freedom to go on treating you like shit.

But just wait, listen to the inner 'what about me voice! Maybe go to the loo to think before speaking. come back and say "Sorry had to go to the loo, what were you saying about what I'm having for lunch?"

Because while in the loo you see thinking, what about yourself. I am hungry, I was invited for lunch, so where is it!

You don't need to say it to the other person, you need to say it to yourself.

*You are the person who first needs to recognise that you are being treated unfairly, whether on purpose or by accident

DeathStare · 02/01/2017 12:36

I'm struggling to see what the DH did wrong to be honest.

Yes his mother was a bitch by refusing to provide any food for the OP but his father had fixed that by offering to make some sandwiches. It wasn't like everyone else was having a five course sit down meal. They were having a buffet so an offer of sandwiches (and crisps) was appropriate. In fact if they'd been put out with the rest of the buffet in the first place there wouldn't have been an issue. It was also probably the best that could be offered in the circumstances.

The OP is an adult - if she turns down the offer of the sandwiches then she's just being a martyr, and that's her decision not her DH's. Him insisting they left or refusing to eat himself after the sandwiches had been offered would just have been churlish.

Astro55 · 02/01/2017 12:42

It's not that straight forward!! These things really catch you off guard.

So the advise to nip to the loo is a good one - gives you a quick thinking time.

It would have fought DH off guard as well -

You don't expect to go for much and find nothing to eat so you can't prepare for this eventuality.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 12:42

I think the dh did plenty wrong actually. He stood by while his mum insulted his wife. Not part of a healthy relationship to me.

But people insisting the dh sort it out are, to me, consigning the OP to a life of being dependent on him to stick up for her, not healthy either!

RhiWrites · 02/01/2017 12:43

DeathStare, the OP said there was "quiche Lorraine, cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, a chorizo platter thing, chicken skewers & mini pork pies".

If you think a cheese sandwich and crisps is the same then I'm glad I'm not lunching round yours!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 12:43

I do agree with Worra that your husband should have got up to make you a sandwich, that's the least he could have done. He didn't need to wait for his dad to do it - he should have done it himself.

But OP, why are you being such a doily yourself? You know that your MIL is being unreasonable and, if you're not able to confront her politely (or not so politely) about it then you get your husband on board with you and sharply remind him of his commitment to you and that he should be mannerly enough not to need to be told that when you go for lunch, EVERYBODY has lunch available.

He should have made the sandwich for you OR should have said, "Ok then, we're off for lunch together - there's nothing here that LittleMermaid can eat. I'm surprised as you mum, you're usually a great cook and vegetarian food shouldn't be beyond you. Cheerio for now"... and you both sweep out of the house.

You spiked your husband's feeble guns by saying that you weren't hungry. You did that. He should have known better but then again, why would you override an adult? I would have made you the sandwich and said "I'll just leave it here for you ready".

You need to have a good and effective discussion with your husband about the way you are to be treated from this point forward - and stick to it.

elvis86 · 02/01/2017 12:43

I find it hard believe that people can so rude and vindictive, but hear so many accounts that I accept it's true. But I honestly cannot fathom people's reactions (or lack of!) to this kind of behaviour?!

Why was none of the below said?

DH: "Mum - you know full well that OP is veggie. Why haven't you catered for her?"

Or if he didn't pipe up;

OP: "MIL - you know I'm veggie, why have you invited me round and not catered for me?"

Or if you prefer your DH to handle it:

OP:"DH - your mum knows full well I'm veggie and hasn't catered for me. Please say something or we need to leave"

Plus a bollocking for DH later and query as to why he'd let anyone wilfully treat you with disrespect when he's supposed to love you. It's just unbelievable to me that neither of you would have said anything?!

Jojobythesea · 02/01/2017 12:45

If my DM had done this to my DH I would have had a lot to say about it. (Im not a confrontational person very often btw) - Probably to the point where I may have just said we'll go and get something out instead thanks. Very mean. Angry You were very good not making much out of it. Flowers

elvis86 · 02/01/2017 12:53

If my DM had done this to my DH I would have had a lot to say about it. (Im not a confrontational person very often btw) - Probably to the point where I may have just said we'll go and get something out instead thanks. Very mean. angry You were very good not making much out of it.

Substitute the word "good" for subservient / compliant / cowardly. Sorry OP, but in the face of treatment like that you must stand up for yourself!

To those suggesting a mistake. That's entirely possible (I've forgotten a friend had recently gone veggie before), but in that scenario you'd be falling over yourself to explain that you'd forgotten, apologising and probably tbh making a beeline for a local shop to rectify the situation. Not saying "there's nothing for you" and grunting when someone else offered a sandwich.

elvis86 · 02/01/2017 12:56

I'm struggling to see what the DH did wrong to be honest.

Seriously? I'm assertive enough to sort stuff like this myself and I'm not suggesting the OP should rely on her DH, but this is the DH's family and he should immediately pull them up on this.

I'd be livid if my OH let his family treat me like shit. Suggests a far bigger problem imo.