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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left out of lunch

260 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:20

DH & I were at the in-laws today for a family lunch (SIL+BIL too).

MIL invites us all through for a buffet style lunch & says to me loudly "you can't have any of this".
It's all meat - I'm a vegetarian & they've known this for 6 years.

FIL (who's very sweet) offers to make me a cheese sandwich, to which MIL huffs & says "oh well I could put out some crisps".
I replied "oh no it's ok, I'm still pretty full from breakfast" since she seemed annoyed at the offer.

I was really quite hurt! MIL has a bullying nature, so I think she just done that to be mean.
I could have brought along something for myself if it was going to be a hassle for her to put out something veggie (it was all shop bought party food though so it's not like she had been slaving away cooking for hours) but I was really embarrassed having to watch everyone else eat while I had nothing.

DH encouraged me to let FIL make something for me, but MIL just made me feel like such a bother I didn't want to say yes. I think DH felt bad for me cause he hardly ate a thing (& I know he was hungry).

Does anyone else have MIL problems like this or is it just me? There seems to be something every time I see her!

OP posts:

Blacksox · 02/01/2017 00:20

OP, from this and your other threads, it would appear your mil does not like you.

I'd be keeping my distance.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:20

Italiangreyhound WTF??

You're letting the woman's son and husband off the hook for standing by and watching her treat the OP badly because they're 'not able to stand up to her'.

Yet you expect the OP to stand up to her instead?

Why? Because she's female and they're not?

Genuine question, because I don't understand.

He let your mum treat you badly and so did your FIL. Clearly both men are not able to stand up to your MIL (correct me if I am wrong)

The OP and her husband made vows to one another when they got married.

Stuffing your face and watching your wife sit there hungry in your parent's home, is about as 'I'm all right Jack' as it gets.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/01/2017 00:20

I get that, Pyongyang, but the DH is an grown up now. He needs to adult-up and stuck up for his wife, even if he won't stick up for himself. There's no excuse, really.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:21

PS your dh should absolutely have stood up for you but he did not so we have to go from where we are now, not where we would like to be!

BUT I would talk to him and explain you are not taking it anymore, so he too needs to get assertive ready or he will be embarrassed when you stand up to her and he does not.

user1471548375 · 02/01/2017 00:21

To have produced an all meat buffet suggests she's gone out of her way to be a bitch. Salad, crudités, cheese board, bread, coleslaw?!

Next time pack some carrot sticks and a tub of hummus, smile sweetly and say "I've never much cared for your food anyway, so I've bought my own"

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:23

Great post PyongyangKipperbang.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/01/2017 00:24

speak to your dh and decide how you are going to handle it next time. I would go with your dh saying "thanks for the offer dad, but I must have misunderstood, I thought we were invited to lunch, we are starving and as there is nothing suitable for little mermaid to eat. we'll get something out instead. See you next time/week".

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:26

PyongyangKipperbang it's a fucking sandwich, which the OP's DH could have got off his arse to quietly make, instead of 'encouraging' the OP to accept his Dad making the sandwich, before filling his own belly.

If that's too difficult, the OP and her DH need to stop visiting at meal times.

Although personally I'd stop visiting until my Mum stopped being such a dick to the person I married.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/01/2017 00:29

DH didnt insist on the sandwich as he probably knows what his mothers reaction to that would be.

If my DH cared more about his mother's 'reaction' than about me going hungry, I'd be wondering what sort of wet blanket I'd married, tbh.

Astro55 · 02/01/2017 00:33

I think it's a difficult situation really because who in their right minds expects to be invited to lunch and can eat?? It's a bit of a shock and you don't have an instant reaction ready for it - so you get flustered and muddle on!!!

OP - they were rude!!! Next time you get an invite DH should say before. 'You remember she's a vegetarian?'

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:34

It wasn't DH's place to insist on anyone making the sandwich.

He just needed to go and quietly make it for his wife, or get up and leave because there was nothing for them to eat.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2017 00:39

I also dont get the impression he "filled his belly" so thats an unfair thing to say.

As I say, unless you have grown up as the child of a parent such as this then you wouldnt understand, why would you? But it really isnt as simple as saying all the things that have been suggested here. If it was then there wouldnt be such a market for self help books or counsellors and therapists amongst kids of parents like this.

Its easy to say what you would do, or expect the DH to do, when it isnt you that is mired in that relationship, a relationship where you have never been allowed to grow up and away from being a frightened child fighting for approval.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:45

Oh for goodness sake.

If you love someone. They visit your family with you for lunch. Your Mum acts like wanker and gives everyone lunch except the person you love, then you quietly make them a sandwich or make your excuses and leave.

What you don't do, is sit there and eat while your loved one eats nothing.

End of story, unless you're a wanker like your Mum.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 02/01/2017 00:45

weallhavewings posted this...

"thanks for the offer dad, but I must have misunderstood, I thought we were invited to lunch, we are starving and as there is nothing suitable for little mermaid to eat. we'll get something out instead. See you next time/week"

It's a polite version of what I'd expect a decent DH to say.

When I was younger I'd have done what you did. No more.

Allalonenow · 02/01/2017 00:47

What a dreadful way to treat you OP.
It would be a cold day in Hell before I set foot in IL's house again.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:48

WorraLiberty "Italiangreyhound WTF??" WTAF back at you!

"You're letting the woman's son and husband off the hook for standing by and watching her treat the OP badly because they're 'not able to stand up to her'." I am doing no such thing, you have clearly not read what I wrote.

"Yet you expect the OP to stand up to her instead?" I expect women and men to be able to stand up for themselves. It is much easier for a woman or man to stand up to a domineering MIL or FIL than a man or woman who has probably been dominated by that person all their lives.

"Why? Because she's female and they're not?" This is in your head not mine. I only quoted the song because I though the OP may get a kick out of it! My advice would be exactly the same if the OP was a man, I just would not have included the song

Genuine answer, and I don't understand how you can think that it is up to a person to sort out their overbearing mother (or father) when it is clear they cannot! Ideal world, yes, lovely stand up to mummy, of course. But he can't, can he. So the OP is stuck or maybe, she can find the strength to face this awful woman.

"Stuffing your face and watching your wife sit there hungry in your parent's home, is about as 'I'm all right Jack' as it gets." well, he did not stuff his face, did he, he timidly ate enough to look like he was eating but was upset. Of course it would have been great if he had grabbed his coat, and his wife's and said, Mum we are not staying here to be insulted." But he did not. The OP can ask him why, but ultimately the mum has him tied to her apron strings (my guess) and I guess him and FIL do all this for a quiet life.

The Op does not need to buy into this desire for a quiet life. I truly think she can overcome this and ultimately in her does I'd be pretty happy not to see MIL again, but maybe her husband doesn't feel this way. So they do need to talk about this. But I don't think the OP needs to wait for her husband to stick up for her. I would not, in her shoes, wait. It may never come.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:51

WorraLiberty "He just needed to go and quietly make it for his wife, or get up and leave because there was nothing for them to eat." But that doesn't really sort the issue does it. OP eating a cheese sandwich while the rest of the family tuck into their meat feast.

The OP could handle this but if she has to wait for her dh to step up I am fearful it will be status quo for the foreseeable future. Once she says it, once she calls MIL out I think she will feel both fear and elation. Really what is the worst thing that could happen? Her MIL never sees her again, great!

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:54

grabbed his coat, and his wife's coat...

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:55

It's. A. Fucking. Sandwich.

And one the OP's DH should have quietly made for her, or decided not to satisfy his own hunger.

He knows his wife isn't going to stick up for herself.

Even I know his wife isn't going to stick up for herself and yet I'm a stranger, who has only read 2 of her previous threads.

It's quiet simple.

You both eat or you both make your excuses and leave.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2017 00:57

I do agree with you though Italian especially when you say...

It's just that if you read the OP's previous 'MIL' threads, it's never going to happen.

And the man she married should surely know that.

kel12345 · 02/01/2017 00:58

There is no excuse for excluding you. Not the same but we had a 1st birthday party for lo and some guests were vegetarian and we made sure there was plenty of options for them.
Also I can't believe your dh let that happen, my dh would have said something

Original poster

LittleMermaidRose · 02/01/2017 00:59

QueenMortificado - I know!!!! She is awful to me all the time & I don't know what I done to her to deserve treatment like this!

I find it very difficult to talk to my DH about it - after all, she is his mother. I wouldn't want anyone to say anything bad about my mother :(
When I have spoke to him about it, he always insists that it's not done on purpose (I can be pretty sensitive so he maybe thinks I'm over-reacting sometimes or reading too much into what she does). I don't know if that's just because he's used to her behaviour though, maybe he sees it as normal for her (but he's certainly not like her).

I do wish he would have said something but I didn't want to make a big deal about it in front of everyone. Plus it must be hard stuck in the middle, he won't want to cause any arguments or hard feelings in the family either.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 00:59

"He knows his wife isn't going to stick up for herself."

Well, I am one thread in, you are two threads in. I think the OP can learn to stick up for herself. Either the situation will change for the better or her MIL will stop seeing her. Win either way. I don't know if the OP's Dh will ever be able to learn to do this with his mum, but if he sees his wife doing it, he may.

What you are advocating here, WorraLiberty is appeasing the dragon or getting the prince to fight it for you, I would much rather the princess fought the dragon in this instance!

OP you decide, you can really choose whichever route you like, talk to DH and see the way ahead together. You can blame him, and be angry with him, but don't let MIL drive a wedge between you.

Chelazla · 02/01/2017 01:03

My bil did this to me "we won't be catering for vegetarians at the wedding". Mil said she'd make me pack up! dh was furious and refused to be best man! The stuffed pepper weren't really to my taste......

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 01:05

WorraLiberty wow, never thought you would agree with me. If I was not sitting down already, I would need to!

I do firmly belive we can all change, we can all face our demons, we can do amazing things, it is finding the key to do it (assertiveness training).

The OP has:

more chance to do it as she has not had a lifetime of crap from MIL
more chance to do it because 'losing' MIL would be less traumatic for her
more chance to do it because she is the victim in MILs sad little schemes. I am guessing MIL is jealous, this woman got her baby boy, or maybe OP is very clever/good at stuff/pretty/slim/educated whatever, whatever it is is is grinding MIL gears!

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