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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

179 replies

Lumberries · 01/01/2017 22:35

Says my future MIL.

WTF.

I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... Angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EwanWhosearmy · 02/01/2017 12:07

I assume OPs MIL is from my generation, which makes it even odder.

I kept my own name 33 years ago, and when we had DC1 DH changed his name to db with mine. We had about 25 years of people sending things to us with only his name on, but I think now it's only MIL's sister who doesn't get it.

user1471545174 · 02/01/2017 13:21

I am also finding MIL's views odd as our generation frequently kept names and understand that Ms is nothing to do with divorce.

Is MIL from a country with less normal feminist outlooks?

newyorker74 · 02/01/2017 13:26

My MIL said the same thing. I printed out the section from the local registrars website where it said you didn't need to change your name and gave it too her. I also laughed quietly inside when 10 years later she married again and kept her name from her first marriage...

kel12345 · 02/01/2017 13:28

It's every woman's individual choice. If you want to keep your name then keep it. You're not any less married if you remain miss your name or ms your name, instead of being Mrs his name.
However be mindful that plenty of women do choose to take their husbands name. I don't think it's ridiculous at all, it's a matter of personal preference.
I had just turned 22 when I got married, and I wouldn't dream of not taking my husbands name and being a mrs, I felt like it made us all the same, and it was an honour to take his family name.
But I chose to and wanted to, just as you can choose not to.

MargaretCavendish · 02/01/2017 14:24

I felt like it made us all the same, and it was an honour to take his family name

Bit sad, then, that your poor husband didn't get the 'honour' of taking your family name?

FatGreen · 02/01/2017 14:27

I had just turned 22 when I got married, and I wouldn't dream of not taking my husbands name and being a mrs, I felt like it made us all the same, and it was an honour to take his family name.

So your husband likewise became a 'Mrs' and took your family name? Or did you not let him participate in the full 'honour'? Honestly.

FatGreen · 02/01/2017 14:28

Sorry, Margaret. So much honour wafting about I didn't see your post. Grin

MargaretCavendish · 02/01/2017 14:30

No problem - great minds and all that! I always think that when I see women go on about how they loved changing their name because 'it shows how much I love him and how committed I am'. Is it not a little sad to be making completely unreciprocated big public gestures?!

HeCantBeSerious · 02/01/2017 16:40

Clearly only men can be honoured. Not mere females. Hmm

florascotianew · 02/01/2017 16:42

I've posted the link below in on a similar thread not long ago, but since the question has come up again, here it is for a second time. It shows how, in England, the custom of women's name change in marriage is relatively recent - and was not about 'showing respect' to a husband, but about giving up legal control of herself (body, mind, soul) to him. Legally, she and he became just one person on marriage (him). Today, those laws no longer apply, of course.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450

In Scotland and several other countries, women kept their maiden names until the 19th cent. The arrival (mid 19th cent in UK) of mass, compulsory, government registration of births, marriages and deaths also encouraged the listing of married women under their husbands' names.

specialsubject · 02/01/2017 16:45

All the young UN's I know rushed to change their names. Marriage gives you an opportunity to do it without deed poll.

But it is not and never has been English law. Do nothing, no name change.

Having enough admin to do I did nothing.

Marynary · 02/01/2017 16:50

My father actually asked me how I "stopped" my name being changed when I got married. Doh!

Saukko · 02/01/2017 17:00

I was told if the children took my husband's surname, and not mine, while we were an unmarried couple they would "not really be my children" and their grandparents "not really their grandparents."

(we intended to marry, just not at that point. We are now. Miraculously, the children didn't suddenly become more 'mine'. Anyway, I gave them the most attractive name. Think a toss up between Wilderwood and Bogtrot.)

People are so full of shit sometimes I genuinely find it hard to be around most of them :D

annandale · 02/01/2017 17:07

Changed my name on marriage because it never really occurred to me to do anything else, despite being very much a member of the matriarchal metropolitan elite. It was also very nice not having my dad's name any more but that was a secondary element. To me, deep down, getting married meant changing my name.

Was a complete ovary-ache of paperwork. And when I divorced the fucker lovely gentleman and then met DH, didn't want to have to do it all again but really felt that I did, as it would have been a bit odd to have this 'orphan' surname relating to this dead marriage. Wish I'd never done it.

Tinkly laugh and ignore sounds like the way to go - you're going to have to develop the ability as it sounds like you are marrying into the Flintstones rather different.

annandale · 02/01/2017 17:09

Young friend of mine married with all the trimmings 18 months ago and of course changed her name, new passport, new driving licence etc. They'd split within 6 months and she's back to her previous name. What a palaver.

Beebeeeight · 02/01/2017 17:12

It seems to be the trend now for younger women to change their names.

It shows how little choice there is in life when given the choice so many choose to follow the herd.

ivykaty44 · 02/01/2017 17:17

In Oman a woman has her four father's names through her life, she never takes her husband's names.
My Oman female friends found it odd that woman here change thier name in marriage

Meluzyna · 02/01/2017 17:19

Have skimmed through the thread: no one seems to have mentioned that if the OP were to change her name to her DH's she would then, presumably, have the same name as her M-i-L.... so if the subject comes up again she could say "oh, no M-i-L-dear, to me you will always be the only MrsHisname".

A friend actually found herself with precisely the same name as her M-i-L: Firstname Middlename Husbandsname - but it didn't seem to occur to her that she could have kept her own much less common surname.
Personally I've been married 30+ years and have always only used my own name - and I'd find it well weird if my D-i-Ls (none yet, but the lads are working on it) chose to take what to me is my M-i-L's name!

I'm also a teacher and the thing about it being "complicated" if the mother has a different surname to her children is absolute nonsense.
However, we have had a couple of "border-control incidents" with snotty jobsworths making stupid remarks about names on passports. It was complete bollox as the kids all have DH's name and he was driving the car we were all travelling in.

SilentBatperson · 02/01/2017 17:22

All the young UN's I know rushed to change their names. Marriage gives you an opportunity to do it without deed poll.

Living in the UK gives you an opportunity to do it without deed poll! It isn't legally required, though admittedly you may find it difficult dealing with officialdom without one. I must say though, I used to do change of name deeds way back in my professional career, and they were much less hassle than getting married.

OP, obviously YANBU and your MIL is as thick as pigshit.

MiaHayek · 02/01/2017 17:25

Don't change your name. I didn't like my own surname growing up as it was unusual but my husband's surname is actually horrible (in my opinion) so I'm sticking with mine. I also LOVE remaining a 'Miss' rather than a 'Ms' or 'Mrs'.

I'm very much in love with my husband and it's kind of sexy and playful to keep some independence or sense of self through not changing your name. I think it's also less stress on the man - it sends the signal that he is not 100% responsible for you now that you're married. Marriage should be an equal partnership and not changing your name reflects that. Perfect team and all that.

Keeping surnames is on the rise, so tell your MIL that by the time any grandchildren grow up they will find it odd that women ever changed their names.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 02/01/2017 17:33

(I await the twatish post saying 'well what if your double barrelled named child marries a double barrelled named person' - they can do whatever the fuck they want with their names, and have more options than most!).

I don't think it's a twatty question. My parents gave me her-his double barreled surname and I don't feel like I have more options than most. I don't have the option of adding a partner's surname to mine, unless I fancy being triple barreled. I could do one surname and add partner's but if my parents couldn't decide which surname I should have and wanted me to have both equally then it would be making some kind of statement to choose one over the other. So in a way I feel like they just abdicated the decision to make a decision.

Iggi999 · 02/01/2017 17:57

You have the option to pick one of the two names that sounds best with the other person's name though, those of us with only one name can't do that! I would very much hope your parents wouldn't feel you were choosing one of them over the other.

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 02/01/2017 18:19

Knitted (love your username!)

If you are Ms A-B married to Mr C-D, you and your children could be:

  1. A-B
  2. C-D
  3. A
  4. B
  5. C
  6. D
  7. A-C
  8. A-D
  9. B-C
  10. B-D
  11. C-A
  12. C-B
  13. D-A
  14. D-B
  15. A-B-C-D (though I agree this might be ridiculous)
  16. Any name that takes your fancy. I love the idea of Mr. Pugh marrying Ms. Griffin and have little Puffins! If we could have amalgamated mine and DHs names we would have done so...sadly our names merged we're unpleasant sounding!
PintofLagerandAPacketofCrisps · 02/01/2017 18:23

No you are not being unreasonable to keep your own name.

I know a couple where the groom changed his surname to match the bride

BenefitsQuestions · 02/01/2017 18:24

Christ your MIL sounds a delight Hmm it's not the 1900s anymore something like 30% of women keep their names.

I kept my name and DH kept his name. Can't imagine it any other way in our EQUAL relationship!