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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

179 replies

Lumberries · 01/01/2017 22:35

Says my future MIL.

WTF.

I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... Angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 02/01/2017 09:38

As for the kids' names thing - when I was pregnant with DC1, DH asked me one day 'Which of our surnames do you want to give the baby?' and I chose his as it's marginally nicer. I just assumed all expectant parents had this conversation and based it on which name they liked best / was more unusual etc., rather than just going for the father's name by default.

Didn't you find it a bit odd that men's surnames turned out to be a bit nicer about 90% of the time? But then of course with so many women who just happen not to like their maiden names... Odd how rarely their brothers have the same issue, isn't it?

diddl · 02/01/2017 09:42

So they don't realise that saying the vows & signing the marriage license means that you are married??

How will "all hell break out"?

What will they do?

Just keep your name if you want to!

Beebeeeight · 02/01/2017 09:43

Your future in laws sound like a nightmare!

user1483349808 · 02/01/2017 09:44

I kept mine. It's my name! He wouldn't even have a discussion about changing his, or coming up with something that combines our names, so I tried to unpick why it was so important to him and express that my name was important to me for the same reasons (my surname is much more distinctive too). I'm still trying out mrs having been ms for years (didn't see what business my marital status was if anyone else's). I'm particularly insistent on Ms when not given the option!

Strawberryfield12 · 02/01/2017 09:50

When we were expecting DD, initially I was like "yeah, let her have DH surname". Then thought better of it and realised that she will not have any link to me in her name and wanted to have her both surnames, suggesting "DH surname- my surname", but DH suggested "My surname- His surname" sounded better. I was ok both ways, so DD has surname as DH wanted.

DH family tend to send cards for Mrs&Mr Hisname and FIL keeps sending personal cards to me as First name His surname. I was about to send it back to RM with a note such person didn't live in the address, but decided to let it go as DH ignores FIL on many occasions, so why would I do him an honour.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2017 09:58

Jassy Yes quite - institutional sexism of this type is the commonest reason I hear women describing for reluctantly accepting a name change. It drives me nuts. I never hear men saying 'must change my name to match the wife's so that the dentist doesn't get confuzled poor lamb'.

HeCantBeSerious · 02/01/2017 10:05

I think a lot of people will assume you'll take his name unless you specifically tell them otherwise, so you might as well get used to getting birthday/xmas/wedding cards addressed to 'Mr & Mrs DH'...

Why should they get used to it?

Wellthen · 02/01/2017 10:16

My experience, like many pps, is that people simply ignore it anyway. I was really surprised by how many wedding cards, xmas cards etc following our wedding were addressed to Mrs and Mr Hisname despite me never discussing our name choices with these people. I assumed that people checked "what will your name be?" as that's what I've always done at weddings.

Ive also been address as Mr and Mrs H Hisname - I don't even have a first name anymore!!

I don't actually mind Mrs Hisname as the reason I double-barrelled is so that I would have the same name as my children (my name is long and uncommon. Myname-Hisname is quite a mouthful and makes a certain impression. I didn't think it was fair to inflict this on my children but I love it and feel I carry it off!) What I mind is that people don't even ask, they just assume. If I corrected them, they wouldn't care.

OP just ignore ignore ignore.
You're not committed! Yes we are
It's weird! Shrug
Children?! Dunno
You have to!! Google it. You're wrong.

Don't argue your case just smile and keep insisting.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 02/01/2017 10:18

I agree the breadwinner thing is totally daft and irrelevent, sorry that was in response to MIL's comment that women take a mans name to show they 'respect' their husbands as providers

If she comes out with this gem again, then point out that by her logic, if changing name is out of respect to the provider, then of course her son will be changing his name to yours. Grin

I've found that none of the arguments for changing a name have any basis, it all goes back to "tradition" and sexism.

Mermaidinthesea · 02/01/2017 10:19

Ridiculous, I've kept my pwn name for 35 years and through two husbands. What a massive hassle changing it.

SpookyPotato · 02/01/2017 10:19

I would keep mine as I love it and it's part of my identity, but only on mumsnet do I find people who feel the same... everyone automatically changes their name to the mans around here (west yorkshire)

I lived in the Middle East and had a marriage with DP there (made working and having a baby easier) and women keep their name, which surprised me actually. Though kids automatically get the dads name,

53rdAndBird · 02/01/2017 10:25

I still get "Mr and Mrs Hisname" cards from relatives who know fine well that I didn't change my name, because I did specifically tell them. It is annoying.

HeCantBeSerious · 02/01/2017 10:41

It's been 13 years since we wed and this year I got a cheque from a relative made out to the right name in an envelope addressed to Mrs Hisname!

MsFloraPoste · 02/01/2017 10:48

Margaret yes I do think it gets used as a sort of 'excuse' sometimes. I do wonder why there aren't more men who have always disliked their surname, and are happy to give it up on marriage, considering how many women say that.

To fair, it might be that the sexist assumption that a woman will change her name on marriage means that she might have considered it in advance, whereas men don't think they have the option.

I do wonder if I should have given my children my boring surname on principle. But it seemed silly, since they were starting with a blank slate and could have either. It's ridiculous how far we are from being able to consider such questions neutrally.

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 02/01/2017 10:49

I kept my name and DC are double barrelled. Seems the only sensible and fair thing to do as neither DH or I wanted to change names or identity and both wanted to have the same name as our child. (I await the twatish post saying 'well what if your double barrelled named child marries a double barrelled named person' - they can do whatever the fuck they want with their names, and have more options than most!).

dirtyprettything · 02/01/2017 10:50

Ugh. I've been Dr Dirty for 20 years and married for 10 of them. Would have seemed v odd in academic circles to change my name.
Still get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs hisfirstname hislastname.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 02/01/2017 10:54

I've been Ms my name since I was 18, don't see any reason to change that.

At the end of our wedding the registrar said something like 'give a round of applause for the new Mr & Mrs DH name' Angry She just assumed ffs! My friends and family looked mystified, as they knew I was keeping my name.

pointythings · 02/01/2017 10:55

I took my DH surname but only because nobody in the UK could spell or pronounce mine correctly - it's forrin. DDs have DH's surname for the same reason. It's a choice we are all entitled to make one way or another, and your MIL is batshit crazy on this topic.

sashh · 02/01/2017 10:59

Maybe your future MIL should tell the Queen she isn't married then.

Speaking as a teacher it makes life so much easier if families could share the same name, so dad is Smith, Mum is Smith and child is Smith. I don't really care whose common name is used as long as it's common

Learn to use sims better then.

One of my friends used to be called in to school about her daughter, they shared the same surname but as friend is black and daughter white teachers assumed she was the step mother.

What do you do when mum and step mum have the same name? Or children from other cultures / naming conventions?

sailorcherries · 02/01/2017 11:08

I'm a teacher and I've never bothered with what surnames parents have vs the one their child has. It has never been an issue, ever. Nor is parents night about them and what they wish to be called; I go straight in and talk about the child.

Similarly, DS' teachers have never had this issue with his double barrelled surname. Neither of them have addressed me as Mrs/Ms/Miss whatevershescalled and it's worked fine for us. Our only issue was in P1 (age 5) my DS decided he only wanted my surname on his jotters/referred to as his name my name and dropped exs name. I spoke to teacher and informed them id DS chose that then they should respect his wishes in informal settings as he has his reasons, but all offical letters etc could still be in double barrelled name. Ex was fine with this too, it's just a name.

echt · 02/01/2017 11:34

I was Msecht to all and sundry until my DH died this year, when for a few folk I became MrsMisterEcht. The reason, was showing respect to Mrecht by calling me a name I had never had, was not my choice and showed fuck all respect to me.

Fuck. Right. Off.

Marynary · 02/01/2017 11:37

Why are you interested in what your in laws think? Your name is none of their business so ignore them. Your MIL will probably insist on calling you by Mrs .... after you are married anyway if she is anything like mine was but never mind.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 02/01/2017 11:42

She's a prize eejit! I did take DH's name, but it did help that my ILs are all very pleasant people and I didn't object to sharing some identity with them Grin

I felt it was more practical to change. We intended on having children, so it seemed simpler to have one name for the family unit. The two surnames were quite similar so it didn't feel like a radical change anyway. They would have been awful double barrelled together. I don't have to explain to people who we are (and why if they're nosey). If I forget to clarify which child I'm referring to, we are easily matched saving someone else some admin in name checking on databases. My maiden name wasn't genetically mine, and although I dearly loved the person it came from, it felt right to take on DH's surname for our family.

It doesn't mean anyone making different choices to me is less married though.Smile

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 02/01/2017 11:47

My DIL changed her name when she married DS - then rapidly decided that she hated not being 'her' and changed it back... Didn't bother me - they're happy, so why is it anyone else's business..?

Aderyn2016 · 02/01/2017 12:04

I'm not sure why you are even giving this head space tbh. You are not marrying mil so why give a fuck what she thinks?
If she carries on, tell her it is not her business and not up for discussion. Then ignore.