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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

179 replies

Lumberries · 01/01/2017 22:35

Says my future MIL.

WTF.

I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... Angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 02/01/2017 08:13

What did she reply??

OzzieFem · 02/01/2017 08:13

It's against the law in some countries for married women to change their surnames to their husbands. In America alone the trend is increasing for women to keep their maiden names. Women in China never take their husbands name.
time.com/3940094/maiden-married-names-countries/

Liiinoo · 02/01/2017 08:17

Why does it matter what your MIL thinks? She is (presumably) a different generation to you and so will have different ideas to you. It would be odd if you agreed on everything. My MIL is 30 years older than me and disapproves of pasta (she considers it a freaky modern food), that doesn't stop me eating lasagne. Just do what is right for you and DH and be nice to his family.

HappyFlappy · 02/01/2017 08:23

I changed my name, but that was because I had an awful childhood etc and wanted an obvious psychological new start to my life.

you like your name - you keep it!

Totalshambles · 02/01/2017 08:27

As has been said, in the uk you can be known by any name you like. You don't need to pick. I have kept my maiden name for work, banking etc and use a married one for kids schools and travel to make life easier.

My kids have husband's surname. It seemed easier than giving both as the names sound terrible together! However it did feel unfair - I had been through 9 months making the person, agony producing it, feeding it and then it gets called by the husband's name. I did it more because his name is just about better than mine and I really hate mine.

What I don't get, is when friends of mine who aren't married (they say they don't 'agree' with getting married/just bit of paper etc - obviously totally their choice) but why do they then give the kids the man's name? The kids and the man share a name and the mum has her own name? In those circumstances I would name the kids after me...

SharkBastard · 02/01/2017 08:28

YANBU at all. Absolutely up to you as it's your name and your identity. People are odd.

I took my husbands surname cause I do not like being associated with my father. It was an opportunity to move away from that, I don't belong to any man, I belong to myself and myself alone regardless of name

MudCity · 02/01/2017 08:30

Keep your name.

They will get over it (although I'd be worried about the next thing they will find to get 'upset' about...)

Headofthehive55 · 02/01/2017 08:34

I wanted to take my husbands name because I wanted us to be under one name, like a company logo. I chose. It was a positive decision. However, you bring more to your marriage than a name. He gets to bring his name, I get to determine traditions and how we are organised as a family.

Adnerb95 · 02/01/2017 08:38

In Spain - and in most Latin American countries, I think - you take the partner's surname and it is added to your own - a bit like double-barrelled but no hyphen.

Must admit I like that idea although not sure if it works that way with the guy - does anyone know?

Icouldbeknitting · 02/01/2017 08:46

I kept my name for professional reasons. That's what I told anyone who asked, the real reason was that my MIL to be made the automatic assumption that I'd be sharing her surname and when I said that I hadn't made a decision yet she went off on a rant about modern women today. That was the moment when I made the decision to keep my name because it had benefits at work and as a bonus, it would irritate her. About six years later when she'd come round to the idea I needed to change my passport and I changed my name then.

"How interesting that you should think that. More coffee?" and then do what you want.

MouseholeCat · 02/01/2017 08:47

YADNBU- what you're doing is completely normal and it's MIL who is being disrespectful.

It's amazing the outdated ideas I've come across since I decided to take my own name. I still have a few stubborn relatives who refuse to you my actual name when writing letters or cards because "it would be rude to not follow etiquette", as if it's not rude to refuse to use someone's actual name...

Strawberryfield12 · 02/01/2017 08:49

You will have to keep your MIL in a good distance from your marriage Wink.
I kept my surname and there were lots of reasons for it, but the most important I was 35 when married, I had good chunk of professional life behind me, UK is the third country I have lived/worked and in the previous two people only know me by my name. Changing surname would make it tricky to go back for any work related references etc. Also while we all think that we marry for life, things can turn funny over the course of life and then you are left with surname of a man you have nothing in common anymore.

toomuchtooold · 02/01/2017 08:50

I better phone the Home Office and get them to take DHs British passport off of him then. He got faster naturalisation based on being married to a British citizen but as I remained Dr Toomuch the marriage certificate can't have been worth the paper it was printed on Grin

hettie · 02/01/2017 08:51

Ha ha, your MIL should be thankful that your dp isn't doing what dh did (he took my name). Think you should suggest it as you are the 'bteadwinner'. Retrograde nonsense, ignore, ignore...

EvonneGoolagong · 02/01/2017 09:02

My DH and I both changed our names and we are now Mr and Mrs Hisname-Myname. He was totally fine with it, although changing our names by deed poll was a bit of a faff.
Don't think his family were happy about it and we get mail from them in DH's name all the time. Only a problem on the rare occasions that they send a cheque to Mrs Hisname and she doesn't exist!

welshwench · 02/01/2017 09:05

What a bunch of losers. WTF does it matter to them?

On principle I'd tell them to fuck off but then I can empathise with having a MIL who just Won't Let It Go, especially in the run up to a wedding. I'd be sorely tempted to just nod and say 'ok, I'll take his name' or pretend you're going double barrelled then not bother. Would DH's family ever actually find out that you hadn't?!

My cousin has been married 20 years and took his name but still uses her maiden name professionally, you could tell them you're doing that if it means you'll get some peace. Who cares what they say if they find out 10 years down the line?

I think a lot of people will assume you'll take his name unless you specifically tell them otherwise, so you might as well get used to getting birthday/xmas/wedding cards addressed to 'Mr & Mrs DH'...

MsFloraPoste · 02/01/2017 09:06

It's really depressing we even need to have this conversation in 2017. I have been gobsmacked by the number of people who act as if my keeping my own name is some sort of 'issue' and by those who address me by the wrong name on envelopes even when they know it's not my name. It's so rude.

As for the kids' names thing - when I was pregnant with DC1, DH asked me one day 'Which of our surnames do you want to give the baby?' and I chose his as it's marginally nicer. I just assumed all expectant parents had this conversation and based it on which name they liked best / was more unusual etc., rather than just going for the father's name by default. I believe I may have been wrong about this ....

OP, your MIL will probably be a pain about this for ages, but just try to ignore her. It's ludicrous and none of her business anyway.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/01/2017 09:13

It's a nightmare when parents email in and don't say who their child is when they have a different surname, or still use their maiden-name gmail account etc....

Are you really saying a parent would write in to you about a child in your class and you'd have no idea who they were writing about?

You do know you can speak to your colleagues in the school office if you really can't work out who the child is, as these details are on the school system?

BringMeTea · 02/01/2017 09:15

Well she would certainly have made my mind up on this matter! The sooner this 'tradition' dies out the fewer women will be subjected to this shit.

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 02/01/2017 09:21

I always write "Cecil Smythe in 5c will be late today"; not difficult even if I am Ms Featherington.

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 02/01/2017 09:23

And aren't lots of gmail things like "climbinggal80" or whatever?

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 02/01/2017 09:25

What a load of bollocks! Of course YANBU.

I did change my name, mainly because all 4 dc already had DHs surname & it just made it less confusing with Drs, school etc. We had issues with school calling Dh Mr my maiden name before we married Hmm (on emergency conract forms). Quite where they thought the children's surnames came from is beyond me.

mayhew · 02/01/2017 09:26

We've been together over 30 years. Married with a child. I did not change my name nor did DH expect it.
He then told his mother he was changing his name to mine!
Successful windup....

Any hoo, that was nothing to the controversy when we gave DD my surname.

reallyanotherone · 02/01/2017 09:26

I kept my name. I still get stubborn relatives of dh mine manage fine who insist on cards etc to mrs hisname when i'm dr myname.

As to the kids taking hisname, we did discuss it but as dh has been divorced, he felt very strongly as his name is a very strong link to the dsc- he doesn't live with them, is left out of the loop with schools and gp's etc. it's hard enough as it is, and he felt if they had a different name he'd struggle to get people to accept he's their father, and he'd have even more legal issues.

I agreed. if we split it's 99.9% certain that a court would award me rp, as their mum.

JassyRadlett · 02/01/2017 09:32

Speaking as a teacher it makes life so much easier if families could share the same name, so dad is Smith, Mum is Smith and child is Smith. I don't really care whose common name is used as long as it's common.

Surprisingly, I'm not all that interested in changing my name, principles and identity to save a teacher the bother of looking up my name on the thousands of pieces of paper on which I've provided the information, or having a decent records system, or the two seconds at parents' evening it would take to ask 'what would you like me to call you?'

How do you manage unmarried parents, then? The horror!

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