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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

179 replies

Lumberries · 01/01/2017 22:35

Says my future MIL.

WTF.

I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... Angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 01/01/2017 23:12

is it still a bit 'burn your bra' if my husband took my name instead?

llangennith · 01/01/2017 23:12

My DIL kept her name when she married DS 8 years ago. Not a problem for anybody. Their son has DS's surname and we address joint cards etc to Mr&Mrs his name Doesn't bother DIL. Cards to just DIL are addressed to her maiden name.

EweAreHere · 01/01/2017 23:13

"The thing that has surprised me is that every single one (no exceptions) has given their children the husbands surname. No double-barrelling at all. What's that all about?"

Exception here as well! Didn't even consider changing my name, thank you, and our children are double - barreled. They can do what they like when they become adults.

Why on earth would I have wanted to change my name? It's me.

sailorcherries · 01/01/2017 23:14

Not married yet but my DS is myname-exname and this dc will be myname-ohname. If/when I get married I'll either by my name or double barrell my name. I'd never want to not have the same surname as my children (while wanting them to remain connected to their paternal family), and I'm the second last child in my family, with the youngest being my sister. If the name goes we go, and I'd hate that to happen.

girlelephant · 01/01/2017 23:14

Personally I became Mrs Hisname when I got married as was my choice. If other people want to keep their name/be Ms etc that is their choice. Your MIL2B has no right to be judgemental or influence your decision

Parker231 · 01/01/2017 23:15

It never entered my head to change my name (and that was 25 years ago). I still don't understand why people do? If your MIL to be is that bothered by a surname, suggest that your DP changes his surname to yours!

zen1 · 01/01/2017 23:17

My MIL is convinced that (despite the fact that I haven't changed my name in any way, shape or form and signed the wedding register in my name etc etc) legally I am still Mrs Hisname and not Ms Myname. Been married 13 years.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2017 23:19

Your prospective MiL is talking through her backside.

My MiL never accepted my lack of name change, continued to send every Xmas/Bday card to 'Mrs Hisinitial Hissurname' until her dying day. Any cheques for kids when little were sent to same name which was a right pain for paying in. Its just bloody rude.

Its depressing that 30odd years on women are still having to put up with this crap. Stand your ground - she may simply think its weird and get over it but you may also have one of 'those' MiLs

Sara107 · 01/01/2017 23:20

I kept my name, dh is still upset about it (14 yrs) and enters into embarrassed and embarrassing explanations to people which sets my teeth on edge! To me it seemed normal, I know loads of people who kept their name. But to him it was and still is a very odd thing to do.
I'm sure my Mil doesn't even know I don't use their family name, she always sends me cards as Mrs DH initial and surname ( like I'm not even supposed to have my own Christian name any more either!!).
On a practical note, my dD has her dad's surname and I have realised that causes problems at passport control if she and I are travelling together.

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2017 23:22

Nobodys business but yours.
Though I might be tempted to tell mil that after thinking it through, she is right, a change of name is due, and you will call yourself Mrs TITWANK

Lynnm63 · 01/01/2017 23:23

I wanted to take my husbands name on marriage. It was my choice though and whatever you choose is right for you.

DailyFail1 · 01/01/2017 23:23

I never took my husband's name because there's no point really. In Indian culture the dil is never treated even as remotely fairly as a daughter, and as I'm a different caste to my dh at times I'm not even treated like family.

Benedikte2 · 01/01/2017 23:24

OP after the ceremony you sign the register with your maiden name.
It's only custom to change it and not at all necessary.
Wish your MIL was right because then ai wouldn't have had to divorce exH.
I was of the last generation in my family bearing my father's surname and all of us were girls so the name ( not particularly common) would have died out plus I was known professionally by that name. ExH not bothered and when DC came along quite happy they took my name. I used Ms ( as I had done for years) as Mrs Benedikte was my mother. Definitely made things easier when years later we were divorced.
So common nowadays I'm rather surprised your MIL is so opposed -- after all it's only her surname by marriage, not her family name.

Megatherium · 01/01/2017 23:24

Point out that that must mean the Queen isn't married, as she didn't take Prince Philip's surname.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/01/2017 23:24

Just ignore the ignorant bint.
Seriously.
If you lived in Italy you wouldn't get a choice, you'd be keeping your maiden name there - does the stupid woman think all Italian women are not married?
Ignorance is nothing to be upset over, just smile and nod and do what you like. :)

Lorelei76 · 01/01/2017 23:26

Tell her "oh yes, women who kept their name never file for divorce because they weren't actually married"

No wait....she might believe it.,.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 23:27

Lumberries YANBU. But you are also not marrying your future MIL so no worries. Just don't engage in it all.

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 01/01/2017 23:28

Your MIL is very wrong!

"Personally, I don't see why you wouldn't and seems a bit like burn your bra to me. But each to their own!"

What the heck?

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2017 23:28

On a practical note, my dD has her dad's surname and I have realised that causes problems at passport control if she and I are travelling together

It used to be possible to have 'also known as' on a passport (we both had Ownname also known as OHName when kids were small for precisely the reason you describe). Last time I renewed though I had to do a rapid one day replacement and it wasn't included and the staff member didn't know the process. Kids were past age where it could be an issue and I didn't have time to wait for them to check out how to do it on the new passports but it might be worth checking.

Shenanagins · 01/01/2017 23:30

I use both names for different purposes, i.e. In work I use the one name and personally the other although I do mix up the titles periodically!

The only reason I partially took my married name is that it's slightly easier for child-related things. That said my passport resolutely stays in my name only for me to discover on mumsnet that should I travel abroad with the kids and no oh I could have problems at passport control 😕!

AntiHop · 01/01/2017 23:31

I didn't change my name. My name, my choice.

One of my relatives questioned why I was getting married if I didn't want to change my name. Well actually marriage is not just a few letters ffs!

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2017 23:32

It never entered my head to change my name (and that was 25 years ago). I still don't understand why people do?

Because I absolutely hated my maiden name. Source of much bullying at school and I couldn't wait to get rid of it.

If you lived in Italy you wouldn't get a choice, you'd be keeping your maiden name there

How does it work in other countries? I know there's lots of variations

MCCMember · 01/01/2017 23:33

I have been married over 30 years. Never dreamt of changing my name. DH has always been totally relaxed about that. And his family were fine too. Just after we married we went to a professional dinner and as we sat down DH ( who was guest of honour) introduced himself by name to the Judge seated next to him and said ' this is my wife ( my name) who is a solicitor at X firm' ie to establish equal credibility. He is always great at that Smile.
Judge responds ' o I suppose you have a modern marriage?!' I say, the proud vv new wife: do you mean we are not married? We are, I just didn't change my name. Judge looks confused. His wife leans across him ' I wouldn't have changed my name to ( Judge's very commonly encountered name) if I got married now. ' she and I got on well through the dinner

PS I don't wear a wedding ring either. Shock horror!

SarahOoo · 01/01/2017 23:34

I didn't change my name when we got married last year....mostly people have just been very 'oh ok' and moved on. Some annoying buggers insist I'm a 'Mrs' as I'm married and I have educate them that changing your name and going from Miss to Mrs is a choice, fun times hehe!

Annoyingly people who know I didn't change my name write cards to Mr & Mrs XXX, I think they do it as some kind of protest???

One of my colleagues heard I didnt change my name when we were discussing her wedding (we all work remotely so not someone I know well) and she actually said the words "you're allowed to no change your name?"...this women works on an area of law....shoot me now!

I get repeatedly asked what our children's surname will be....I joke they will be my husbands surname while we're married and when we divorce I'll change them to mine 😂

thesmallestpotato · 01/01/2017 23:39

I wish I hadn't changed my name, good on you all who kept your own names. I just went along with convention without actually thinking about it but it's never felt right. In fact, I've been thinking of going back to my own name for a while.

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