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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

179 replies

Lumberries · 01/01/2017 22:35

Says my future MIL.

WTF.

I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... Angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 01/01/2017 23:43

I'm 48 and have never had any inclination to change my name.

DP and I have been together for almost 30 years, and I think quite a number of people have forgotten we aren't married; so far, no one has had any problem with us having different names.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/01/2017 23:44

OP - suggest that your DP takes your name ... (and any potential childen). That will really wind her up.

I explained to my partner that that there was no way in hell that I'd take a man's name. I also explained that hypothetical children would have my name. This happened in front of family members who said that they were glad that a son had partnered up because it was important to the parents to have grandchildren - only the girls had reproduced and of course the GCs had

Iggi999 · 02/01/2017 00:00

My DIL kept her name when she married DS 8 years ago. Not a problem for anybody. Their son has DS's surname and we address joint cards etc to Mr&Mrs his name Doesn't bother DIL. Cards to just DIL are addressed to her maiden name
How nice of you to erase your dil on joint cards! Would it be so hard to write "Mr Smith & Ms Brown"? She is hardly going to tell you it. Others her but I expect her teeth are gritted. Mine would be.

LadyVampire · 02/01/2017 00:34

I have DH name- My name and that was my choice.

From start I told DH I didn't want any of the traditional gender expectations and we should both choose all aspects. So there was no expectation for him to buy me a ring just because he is male and no expectation for me to take his name because I'm female.

The only reason I did his name-my name is because we were expecting a baby and baby has his name. We agreed there was no point giving her both our names as if she marries someone with a double-barrelled name then there will be 4 surnames and so on and as he had a child already with his name we wanted both siblings to have the same name.

HeCantBeSerious · 02/01/2017 00:38

Most of my friends have kept their own name when married which is great. The thing that has surprised me is that every single one (no exceptions) has given their children the husbands surname. No double-barrelling at all. What's that all about?

Both of our children share DH's surname and have my surname as a second middle name. I felt no need to share a name with them (having carried and given birth to them there's nothing that could strengthen that bond further). I hate double barrelled names almost as much as the idea of changing mine. Both children love having both names as they are.

HeCantBeSerious · 02/01/2017 00:41

Their son has DS's surname and we address joint cards etc to Mr&Mrs his name Doesn't bother DIL.

I have nothing to do with cards sent to us addressed like this or the complete twats that send them.

MCCMember · 02/01/2017 00:42

Iggi I agree with you. I'm not Mrs (DH name). That was his late mum. I was 28 when we married and my name was me. Since English common law allows anyone to use any surname (save to defraud others), I saw no reason to adopt his and every reason to keep mine. It's level 1 feminism, women are not owned by men. Or by MILs. (MsIL?)

Ps most civil law countries dictate surnames on marriage and there continues to be a big debate on this in Japan where the wife's adoption of Husband's surname is compulsory.

Klaphat · 02/01/2017 00:46

How does it work in other countries? I know there's lots of variations

Here Denmark you are informed that if you wish to change your name in connection with getting married (and some element of a common name is achieved by it), you can do so for free if you apply for the name change(s) no later than three months after the wedding. It's not at all an automatic thing though, and I'd say it's probably more common to keep names as they were prior to marriage. Titles are not relevant or involved at any stage of the marriage or name-changing process.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/01/2017 01:04

As far as I understand it, in Belgium I believe the maiden name is your 'official' name until death, although some ID might note married name as well. Modern Belgian women tend to use their maiden names at work, but some use their married surname for their social lives or to deal with the children's schools as the law was only changed about a decade ago to make it possible for children to have their mothers; as well as their fathers' surname.

In Spain children receive a surname from both parents, but it's usually the father's surname that comes first and is passed on to the children.

I've heard that in some Pakistani families the whole family might take the man's first name as a surname rather than the man's surname, like the Masoods on Eastenders. Not sure how true/common that is.

PerspicaciaTick · 02/01/2017 01:09

They simply are wrong.
The people registering and conducting your marriage do not give a flying fuck what you are going to call yourselves afterwards. The certificate says nothing about what you are going to call yourselves. Even the bit when they say "Please welcome the new Mr & Mrs X" is entirely optional, they can say "Please welcome the newly married John & Susan" if you prefer (or any similar variation - it isn't a legal bit).

Original poster
Lumberries · 02/01/2017 01:17

Thanks everyone, I feel loads better.

I genuinely felt like IWBU but this is reassuring!

I agree the breadwinner thing is totally daft and irrelevent, sorry that was in response to MIL's comment that women take a mans name to show they 'respect' their husbands as providers Hmm I realise I didn't even mention that bit in my OP!

I'm just a bit all over the place if I'm honest, I love DP to the bone and I'm so excited to meet him, just not at the expense of my beliefs!

OP posts:
Coastalcommand · 02/01/2017 01:21

Ha! Very outdated idea.
I kept my name for work, but at home and for out DC I have my husband's name. But only because I chose to. The thought of being pressurised into it would make me push the other way!

Original poster
Lumberries · 02/01/2017 01:22

Marry not meet ffs!!

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 02/01/2017 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GardenGeek · 02/01/2017 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazycatguy · 02/01/2017 01:59

A friend of mine married in 2014 and he took her name.

I don't want DP's name. If we ever got married I'd like to think we chose a marital name and both changed.

crazycatguy · 02/01/2017 02:05

Just to add to the cultural discussions, in Iceland, your parents give you your first name and then your surname is your dad's name plus sson if you are male and dottir if you are female.

Hence a family of three can all have different surnames!

Lifegavemelemons · 02/01/2017 02:55

I got married in the 80's, kept my own name, dc have my name. You just have to stick to your guns. If you don't ever want to use his name then make sure it's not used by stealth on any official forms when someone assumes you are Mrs Hisname even though you told them your name. When we bought our first house the solicitor had all the details but a clerk filled our the forms with "Mr A and Mrs B Hisname". When we insisted they were changed we then got "Mr A Hisname and Ms B Myname (aka Mrs B Hisname)" Biscuit. I pointed out that I was never going to be known as Mrs Hisname and it had to be changed again.

You will sometimes get pissed off when people try to tell you that Hisname is somehow now your 'legal' name. They are simply wrong. It isn't unless you decide it is.

ConvincingLiar · 02/01/2017 07:51

I don't worry about the unsustainability of double barrelling. If and when your children marry, they will be able to call themselves whatever they like. It's the way it works in Spain (as I understand it) and isn't a problem there.

TasLondon · 02/01/2017 08:02

Is your MIL a royalist? If so, remind her that Queenie didn't take her husband's name and they are still married after all these years.

SouthWindsWesterly · 02/01/2017 08:04

Is your MIL a royalist? If so, remind her that Queenie didn't take her husband's name and they are still married after all these years.

Phahahahaha! this

trinity0097 · 02/01/2017 08:04

Speaking as a teacher it makes life so much easier if families could share the same name, so dad is Smith, Mum is Smith and child is Smith. I don't really care whose common name is used as long as it's common.

It's so complicated when Dad is Smith, Mum is Jones and child is Smythe-Jones or something completely made up!

You can't even start Parents' Evenings any more with Mr and Mrs Smith for fear of getting it wrong. It's a nightmare when parents email in and don't say who their child is when they have a different surname, or still use their maiden-name gmail account etc....

BIgBagofJelly · 02/01/2017 08:11

Personally I'm not that bothered by keeping my name (it's a very very common name so constantly leads to confusion as there'll invariable be someone else with the same name) but have been married 4 years and not bothered to change it yet. I do personally like the idea of having the same name as a family so might eventually do it.

Lots of people don't change their name professionally anyway as it would be a big hassle at work if they've published papers etc, or if they have an email address or lots of contacts associated with their old name. I think that's why it's so outdated now women are as likely as the man to have an established career when they get married.

BIgBagofJelly · 02/01/2017 08:12

Also obviously YANBU it's none of your their business whatsoever and your surname has nothing to do with your marital status. If your marriage is so superficial it relies on changing your surname maybe you shouldn't bother getting married at all.

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 02/01/2017 08:13

"sorry that was in response to MIL's comment that women take a mans name to show they 'respect' their husbands as providers"

Blimey! Not surprised you said it in those circumstances!