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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

179 replies

Lumberries · 01/01/2017 22:35

Says my future MIL.

WTF.

I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... Angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bitofacow · 01/01/2017 22:51

Unutterable bollocks.

Why not have a ceremonial bra burning during the wedding?

DJBaggySmalls · 01/01/2017 22:53

I have a Celtic name, I couldn't give it up.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2017 22:53

Just chuckle and say "do people really still think like that? How funny!"

Idiots. Angry

Hellmouth · 01/01/2017 22:55

YANBU, it's totally up to you if you want to take his name, and there's nothing wrong with doing that.

I, personally, can't wait to take DPs name. But that could be related to the fact that I don't have a deep love of my name as it is my father's, who I hate. :|

celtiethree · 01/01/2017 22:56

Doesn't matter if they all agree they can't make you change your name. Only time it has been a problem with me is when DH family send me cheques with wrong surname. Other than that is business as usual. I like my name I had it 30 years before I got married seems wrong to change it. Just ignore and do what you want and don't engage in any discussion about it.

sonlypuppyfat · 01/01/2017 22:57

I was more than happy to change my name, and quite happy to be owned by my husband. But each to their own

honeylulu · 01/01/2017 22:57

When I got married (and kept my surname) I was surprised how many people were agitated about it.
I was told that legally my name had to be my married name. Strangely no one could direct me to the legislation that stated that.
I was also told there was 'no point' being married if I didn't change my name. Hmmm... some people have an odd idea of priorities if they just get married for a name change!
I stayed Miss though. My husband didn't change his title and I didn't see why I should.

bearfishdoodle · 01/01/2017 22:58

Your future MIL is being ridiculous. By her criteria I've not actually been married these last ten years and am also planning to divorce as I am, and have been since I was 16, Ms Maiden name. (And no, my children are not at all confused by this.)

TheProblemOfSusan · 01/01/2017 22:58

I am as in love and borderline obsessed as they come with my lovely husband but fuck no would I take his name.

I love his family. I love my husband. But it's my name. I have a lot of social and work capital in it. And I don't like doing fucking paperwork and I don't like doing things that men don't want to do. So fuck it.

I would happily have double barrelled but he didn't want to, didn't want to do the paperwork, so hell no would I.

In conclusion - you do what you want to do. Plenty of women change because they want to, and that's cool, but plenty change because someone else wants them to and that's not great at all.

Congratulations, too!

KurriKurri · 01/01/2017 22:58

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce...

Well if you're not married you can't be planning a divorce can you?

Laugh loudly, say 'do you also believe in unicorns?' and wander off to talk to someone more sensible.

SamPotatoes · 01/01/2017 23:00

I only married dh for his pension (and he only married me for mine). No names change here and 2 mins in a registry office with the bare minimum of guests is good enough for the government to allow us to access each others pension. Marriage is a legal state not linked with a name change. Do what you want.

Bitofacow · 01/01/2017 23:00

Prepare for birthday cards addressed to Mrs hisfirstname hissurname. You can join us on the "are they just rude or stupid" thread.

FuzzyOwl · 01/01/2017 23:00

Obviously I'm not married then, even though the law and my husband would state otherwise.

Your MIL sounds like an idiot!

Klaphat · 01/01/2017 23:03

I got the same from one relative (at our post-wedding party, no less). I took DH's name but stayed Ms (well actually, where we are the title is untouched anyway, but I will not be calling myself Mrs in the UK) so apparently there was no point in getting married. Then again he went on to horrify one (or more) of my guests by talking about the black doctor who treated him and how he had made jokes about Africa and spears to him and the nurses, so I just avoided talking to him anyway.

HighwayDragon1 · 01/01/2017 23:05

hahah you must be joking, we're not in 1950 anymore Hmm

annlee3817 · 01/01/2017 23:05

My Mum kept her name and that was in the seventies, my Dad also took her name. I think it's old-fashioned to think that, and really irritating. I know a few people that have married but kept their own names for a number of different reasons, can't believe that people still get huffy about it. YANBU

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2017 23:06

"The thing that has surprised me is that every single one (no exceptions) has given their children the husbands surname. No double-barrelling at all. What's that all about?"

It means we're very far away from equality. Most of the women I know locally are still changing their names. So disappointing this day and age.

SamPotatoes · 01/01/2017 23:06

Oh and my bank (First Direct) allow me to cash cheques in both names. Dh's family didn't think I was serious about not changing so sent us cheques to Mr and Mrs dh name for years. I phoned the bank and a lovely lady said "oh that's really frustrating. Send us your marriage certificate and we'll note the account so you aren't put to a lot of bother when they put the wrong name"

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2017 23:07

It's pretty well documented how most Mumsnetters feel about this subject OP.

I can tell you now, the overall consensus is a resounding YANBU.

Wishforsnow · 01/01/2017 23:08

How does your MIL feel about you being the breadwinner? Has she told her son that's not ok due to tradition. Just ignore her.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 01/01/2017 23:08

My ex FiL said something similar to me when I decided to add my exH surname onto my maiden name to make it double barrelled. Was determined not to give up my name.

Tryingtosaveup · 01/01/2017 23:09

My son took his wife's surname when they married. They both preferred it.
Fine by me. Is it really important?

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2017 23:09

"My Mum kept her name and that was in the seventies"

So did mine, but sometimes I think we're going backwards and not forwards. You'd think the practice would have died away by now.
I think one of the reasons the tradition is still quite strong (at least where I live) is that because most couples now live together before marrying, some women see the name change as the only outward change upon marriage.

FuzzyOwl · 01/01/2017 23:09

SundaeLieIn

"The thing that has surprised me is that every single one (no exceptions) has given their children the husbands surname. No double-barrelling at all. What's that all about?"

If you were friends with me, I would be that exception. However, I do agree with you that it seems lots of women who keep their names don't pass that name on to their child and I really don't underwent it.

user1477282676 · 01/01/2017 23:10

I agree with you HOWEVER>.....who the "breadwinner" is (horrid phrase) is irrelevant.