How do I cope with 4 children? Overwhelmed - how did you do it?

[Hohowoah]

They are aged 2, 4, 6 and 8.

While the youngest was a baby (0-18 mths) it was fine. All seemed manageable. Now the youngest is also talking, has a strong opinion, only wants the toys/food the 4 year old has (!!) it's become so much more difficult.

I know it's just one phase but I am getting to the point now where I just need things to work smoothly some days.

For the first time in a long time I am not pregnant, or breastfeeding/doing night feeds, and I really wish things would fall into place but it's just getting more and more difficult.

My Y4 (eldest) has huge expectations from school (amount of homework and sports matches they are expected to do), they all do extra curricular sports/music, and I don't know when to fit in the simplest of things like dentist appointments and haircuts because I find it near on impossible to take all 4 of them anywhere (other than walking to and from school).

I spend most of my time in a state of guilt - had we had fewer children they wouldn't miss out on so much of my one-to-one attention, and I'd be able to focus more with them on homework.

DH is great but works incredibly long house (out of the house by 6 and back gone bedtime).

Even walking down the road to the shops I feel there are too many of us and we take up too much space on the pavements/people can't pass us in shop aisles. Silly as that sounds, it's how I am feeling at the moment.

How did you manage to give each child everything they needed if you have 3-4 kids close in age?

Glad it's not just me Helena

I was one of 4, I was the eldest and was 6 when the youngest was born . My mum was strict when we went out the house such as food shopping (which I assume you do online ) . I know the youngest had 1 day a week in nursery . We didn't do lots of extra curricular activities , probably 1 each usually two youngest went to the same groups . My mum washed duvet covers with duvets in so they could be tumble dried and put straight back on the beds! We all kind of entertained ourselves in the holidays and were mainly in the garden or kitchen .
Try not to waste your time and upset yourself with guilt . I had guilt for a long time about my daughter being an only child and it's all pointless wasted emotion . I loved growing up in a big family and speaking as the eldest , giving your eldest two small responsibilities won't hurt at all .
Hang in there

Mine are all grown up now but I still feel guilty that the eldest didn't get as good a life as the younger ones. But that's life.

I pay pocket money for some chores. They have to clean and dust their rooms weekly, to my standard, or half the pocket money is deducted.

They are also expected, even the ones too young for pocket money, to tidy up at the end of the day, pack school bags, put away clean clothes and put dirty laundry into the correct laundry basket. They also clear away plates after meals, I can't quite face getting them to wash up yet.

They used to take turns wiping the table and sweeping the floor after meals, but this currently feels unduly harsh whilst the youngest is doing (baby led) weaning.

I am organized within an inch of my life, down to music practice in the morning before school, and am utterly dreading going back to the school run tomorrow.

I had 4 under 6 at one point. Now have 6.

My tips:

((apart from au pair - see upthread - I no longer have one btw).

Keep after school clubs to a minimum. Just do what they really want to do.
Dentist, hair appointments all on one day (I had a woman coming to the house to cut hair in fact)
Don't do packed lunches, but if you do, get everything ready the night before (in fact get everything ready the night before school)
internet shop, meal planning, cleaner

It gets alot easier once they are at school/nursery. then at least you have mornings to yourself.

My 4 eldest are nearly teenagers now (12-18) if you think it's hard now, you haven't seen anything yet!!

Mine do jobs too.

Defo agree with jobs , I helped my Mum cook , clean and ironed for pocket money in my teens etc . Prepares them for real life too

I've just given up work because I can't cope with my 4 and a job - the amount of homework is a joke - and it's not revising what they know - it's teaching new concepts or making the bloody taj mahal out of lolly sticks. I forget PE kits, Packed lunches are always being bought on the way to school as I forgot there was a school trip for one or other of them. they do too much tech and I feel guilty but if I stop them then they fight each other and I can't get tea cooked, little ones bathed etc - so I give in and they have more tech. I am in a total state of guilt most of the time and feel I am treading water. Tomorrow will be the first time they are at school and I'm at home instead of working so hopefully I'll get on top of it.
My youngest is a demanding and difficult 4yr old and I'm exhausted - I feel your pain!

How old are your four 38Cody?

I have wondered how I'll manage juggling mine after my maternity leave

I've got 5 aged 9,6, 6, 5 and 5. Five under 4 and four of them under 20 months at one point! It was easy then, it's bloody hard work now they all move and argue!
We have activities every day except Monday and I've got a full time job with husband working long hours as well. Most of the time we're just winging it!

I have two year gaps too :)

Mine are 4yo, 6yo, 8yo & 10yo.

Honestly things will get easier. My 6yo is very well behaved, my 10yo is now old enough to help watch the 8yo who wanders. So I can concentrate on watching the 4yo.

At your stage I was having to herd the youngest three kids all the time and that could be tricky.

I have a people carrier, so can take an additional two people/children when going places. I find an additional guest child or two seem to improve noise levels. As my kids stop bugging each other and interact with the guest children.

My husband leaves early and back late like yours. I prepare school bags, snacks, clothes, water bottles and do homework in the evening. So we have minimal tasks to do in the morning.

I am use to taking them to after school clubs and often walk up and down the village several times to drop and pick up kids. Some nights we have three clubs on ! But the 10yo sometimes stats at home on her own or walks back on her own. Not at the moment as it is too dark but in Spring will do more for herself.

My biggest help is that I can now leave the 8yo home for 10 mins with sensible 10yo during the day, so I am not dragging my uncooperative 8yo around all the time.

I try and get them out for a walk at least once a day but as winter draws in, we spend less time outside.

Roll on summer :)

I have a large white board in the hall to tell the children what is happening this week.

I use an electronic diary and a bujo to try keep the to do list in order and to update the whiteboard.

Homework wise we do...
Reading x 3 for 4 kids
Spelling x 3 for 3 kids
Maths papers for 1 child
Phonic cards for 1 child
Reading Eggs for 3 kids
Rock Stars for 3 kids
Termly project work for 2 kids

We do a LOT of homework. Thank goodness the termly homework is optional and Reading Eggs and Rock stars are computer based or we would never get through the list !

But I still forget things !

I simply don't get why the homework thing has to be a burden for the mother. It's for the DC and absolutely not for the mother. My eight DC have done absolutely fine without input from me on homework and adding that into the mix of everything else is a pointless extra which certainly seems to be an unnecessary tipping point for some. Forget it. In fact it will almost certainly serve your DC better if you let them get on with it on their own, in a noisy environment if that's all that's on offer.

What on earth are Reading Eggs and Rock Stars? . Reading a few pages a night (give or take a night or two a week) until they're reading independently should be easily enough. Perhaps the odd spelling test too and an occasional times tables but anything else is way over the top.

Good - but it's expected nowadays. Mine have to read 20 mins a night to an adult and it signed off. They also have to do 20mins mins homework each every night and it signed off. This increases with age. So a 5 year old would be 20mins reading, 20mins homework, a 10 year old 20 reading, 45mins homework. Parents are expected to be on hand to guide and advise, but not do homework. Homework missed more than 3 days a term requires parent and child in school meeting. Repeatedly and it involves exclusion from next term (private school)

OMG I have found my people ! So many points made exactly describe my day to day life .

I have 4 under 6 , one with ASD, one with ADHD , a puppy, and DH works 13 hour days, with family an hours drive away and not in good health. Juggling Dr and hospital appointments for small but ongoing medical issues , general life admin its truly never ending but then I feel guilty if I admit how hard it is as I chose to have a big family and do appreciate how lucky we have been to have 4 mostly healthy children .

I have recently had to take time off work as I am under so much stress and cannot see a way to improve things. I love going to work as an escape and for adult time however working shifts around DH with a long commute in a very stressful job makes it so difficult . Already have youngest two in nursery 1.5 days a week and still struggling.

I think we need a chat thread to support each other

Bless you no wonder you find it hard. If it makes you feel any better and I hope I don't get flamed for this but I find one really hard. My granny had six and I remember her saying it gets loads easier the older they get so hang on in there. I bet you're doing way better than you think x

Whispers... I've never done homework with mine.

When do you all cook? Surely with all those after school clubs there is no time to cook?

Artandco a 10 yr old having 45 mins homework with a parent on hand to guide and advise is merely private school marketing bollocks. And why would any 10yr old need to read for a mandatory 20 mins? Don't want to derail but I'm not a dinosaur on the education front indeed I'm actively involved in it as a professional and I can tell you straight, parents should not do homework and do not need to guide and advise so that's one thing that stressed mothers can ditch. As sofabitch says, cooking supper is far more important.

Y'know, you're all amazing - 4 under the age of 6 ?? And here's me not coping?? I suck. Two of mine are 22 and 17, I shouldn't moan really. But I like the idea of a chat thread - if only I knew what to do !! Keep going you guys, and OP - you're amazing

We struggle to do homework.

I come from a large family and I remember it being chaotic but busy. My parents had everything organised within an inch of its life. Mum did the following:

Duvet covers and sheets folded and stored together as a set

All the ingredients for a whole meal such as curries chopped and frozen directly in a large food bag. Mum just had to defrost it the night before and cook it on the hob or slow cooker.

Put the wash on a delayed start so it's ready to hang out as soon as you wake up or after you get in from the afternoon school run.

We had a mobile hairdresser coming to the house.

Lunches packed the night before. Mum got the older kids to do their own while she did my younger siblings lunches.

Online shop for as much as you can so you can free up extra time for essential jobs

cook double the amount and freeze
the second portion.

Mum used to roast 2 trays of drumsticks together so the extra one tray would be frozen for another day

Iron school shirts whilst damp and dry on a hanger, its easier to get the creases out on a damp shirt tray would be frozen for another day

Iron school shirts whilst damp and dry on a hanger, its easier to get the creases out on a damp shirt

Hohowoah - you made a really good point. I found it hard when youngest was a baby , but as you say now they are growing into their own person with needs and demands it actually gets harder in a different way

Cooking is one of my main issues . I comfort eat and have alot of weight to loose and want to be a good example but with fussy eating and the terrible 2's and 3's I go for the easy option of nuggets & fish fingers more than I would like.

I don't enjoy the baby or toddler stage as much as most people seem to and I am happy to admit its the long term thought of a large family that appeals to me , its just surviving the next few years and being less stressed withouth wishing their childhood away or arguing with DH as I sometimes wish it was me leaving the house in the morning

Do any of you have friends with more than 2 dc? I find all mine don't get it as they all have 1 dc or a 4 ish year age gap so hard to share the little things each day that all add up .