How do I cope with 4 children? Overwhelmed - how did you do it?

[Hohowoah]

They are aged 2, 4, 6 and 8.

While the youngest was a baby (0-18 mths) it was fine. All seemed manageable. Now the youngest is also talking, has a strong opinion, only wants the toys/food the 4 year old has (!!) it's become so much more difficult.

I know it's just one phase but I am getting to the point now where I just need things to work smoothly some days.

For the first time in a long time I am not pregnant, or breastfeeding/doing night feeds, and I really wish things would fall into place but it's just getting more and more difficult.

My Y4 (eldest) has huge expectations from school (amount of homework and sports matches they are expected to do), they all do extra curricular sports/music, and I don't know when to fit in the simplest of things like dentist appointments and haircuts because I find it near on impossible to take all 4 of them anywhere (other than walking to and from school).

I spend most of my time in a state of guilt - had we had fewer children they wouldn't miss out on so much of my one-to-one attention, and I'd be able to focus more with them on homework.

DH is great but works incredibly long house (out of the house by 6 and back gone bedtime).

Even walking down the road to the shops I feel there are too many of us and we take up too much space on the pavements/people can't pass us in shop aisles. Silly as that sounds, it's how I am feeling at the moment.

How did you manage to give each child everything they needed if you have 3-4 kids close in age?

I'd agree that worrying about secondary would be something to put to one side for now, I'd be losing sleep about the cost never mind the entrance exams. Will you have to work to be able to afford the fees?

Asked my sister (no DC of my own). Her advice:

You have to be organised military style.
Batch cooking - and if you don't have a big chest freezer where you can stash stuff then get one as it's a lifesaver.
Mobile hairdresser - much easier to get all of the family haircuts done when in the house and in one go. No guilt about disrupting someone else's hairdressing appointment if they kick off and she finds the kids tend to behave better when doing it at home (familiar environment).
Take turns - as they get older they will have more activities and it's a nightmare when you have 3 or 4 that all need to be in different places at the same time. You can't please them all so it has to boil down to taking turns.

I am a mum of 4, with 10 years between eldest and youngest. Also became a widow a few years back. Also have an extremely high powered and stressful job. I'm not coping. Kids are good as gold - doing well, eldest just graduated. Something's got to give in my life tho, and obviously will be job. I have no idea how I'll cope financially, but I can't go on like this.

It does get easier pretty quickly. My eldest four are now 28, 27,23 and 22 (have a 13yo too) and I can look back fondly on those days now. My tip would be divide and conquer, use childcare to give you time to spend with just one child or a pair or even to give you a break from it all. Mine went to childminders or after school clubs as needed so that everything ran smoothly and to keep me sane tbh.

Oh it's bloody exhausting, mine are 8, 6, 4 and 15 months so very similar ages. The smallest one is a wild child, he's into absolutely everything and doesn't stop ever. I'm so tired and wishing his babyhood away at the moment which in calmer moments makes me sad and I'm definitely not having anymore kids- they're too much work.

I'm limiting the older two to two clubs a week during the week. School dinners are a must apart from one day a week for the eldest.

Good luck.

Try and do appointments with younger 2 when the older 2 are in school. If you can't schedule in that week, then the next week will be fine. They won't die of any of those things!

Can parents of other children help out eg. with sports' trials. Is anyone else from school going to that who could take your child with them?

Also, in the nicest possible way, I think you need to be a bit tougher and not treat all 4 of them like PFBs. Diahrrea is more likely to be the tummy bug going around than a food intolerance. The big toe, if it's been coming up and going down again will probably heal itself - or ask a pharmacist. The baby's check can wait...as long as it needs to.

I have four and my husband worked very long hours for years so I feel your pain! We've just got to the stage now where I can leave the children at home while I pop out to run an errand and it makes a massive difference.

Top tips are always be the first to offer if friends need a helping hand as then you don't feel quite so bad asking if they can help you . Move appointments to the weekend if possible so that you can share the running around with DH (we switched dentists so we could do this). Is DH able to take time off or work flexibly to help with medical appointments in the week? Or a few hours a week at nursery for the little one so you can schedule other things at that time?

Special 1to 1 days with each child are really important and a bit of individual time with each child before bed (just for a cuddle and a story) are lovely too - even my teenagers still want that time. So focus on finding time for that rather than worrying too much about other things.

Gosh forgotten about mobile hairdresser. Yes definitely made a difference. My kids ate was was going or went without. There was a a point where I tried packed lunch for one but they didn't eat that either - it was overwhelming school hall environment.
Meals I stuck mainly to a two week simple menu. Takeaway fish and chips on the sea wall was a real treat in summer. I cam see takeaway pizza once a week would make life easier on a Friday.
I was thinking more complex learning difficulties but if dyslexic might want school to consider that at some point although less urgent.
Secondary I wouldn stew about at moment. The local authority has to provide a school place whatever. If you can't afford a cleaner for a few hours then private education isn't going to be realistic. Not sure of day school costs but at highest point we were paying over over 100k in full boarding fees annually and that was with scholarships and bursaries. Seemed odd because they never really stayed at weekends so we paid twice almost.
Simplify clutter in home. They dont need seven coats and fifty six tops. Only buy clothes you can launder together, that you can tumble dry and that you don't iron.
It does feel overwhelming at times but it does get easier as more are in school.

Humm... I might just stick to 3 after all! 😂
I have 3 5 and under and I absolutely feel the strain sometimes too. My 2 eldest dc's were having regular doctors check ups last year for minor long term issues. It felt relentless. Thankfully the issues have resolved as it is so emotionally draining too.
Could you get your ds some extra tutoring? (and request the tutor helps him to understand his homework task and he can complete it the next day?). It might be worth paying to get him assessed privately as this will be much quicker and may help you get a plan in place.
Can I ask op and anyone else, just out of interest, does 4 feel massively different to having 3?

I have five aged between 5 and 10. Mine have minimal homework. We just read with them daily. We've just applied to our local secondary for Ds1 and shouldnt have a problem getting in as although it is oversubscribed there is room for all catchment kids. I don't know how the London system works, but surely you have to be offered a place somewhere? They only do one activity each per week plus swimming lessons. I use a family diary and it's great at helping feel more in control (I'm not an organised person by nature). I am lucky now to have parents nearby, which makes a massive difference but when my older three were small we lived 2hrs away, which was tough. Save as many appts/activities as you can for the weekend when you have DH to help. Re: leaving kids home alone. I now leave my 9 and 10yo (yr 5 and 6) for 15mins or so to pop to the shop, and will probably leave them longer once they are in high school. They will walk themselves to high school. They walk to junior school without me if the littler ones are not ready. All I can really say is hang in there as it gets so much easier when they're all in school and it's easier to give everyone one to one time when the youngest is more self-sufficient.

Busybusy and Whywontthey thank you for your lovely posts which really put things into perspective.

Crumbs I remember reading a post of yours which left me in awe. You have 6 and they were all reading and swimming before Reception which I found incredible! I haven't managed to maintain that standard from 1 to 4 and the 2 youngest have had much less socialising and are not nearly as well behaved as the older two were at the same ages.

Reading back I think my biggest issue is guilt actually! Yes I am being rather PFB about their GP appointments but I would feel so awful if I let something slip through the net. When I was pregnant with my third, my eldest fell and cut their knee quite deeply. I put a plaster on it and didn't think anything of it. I was 9 mths pregnant and struggling through the Summer holidays with a 2 and 4 year old in tow. A few weeks later it hadn't healed and we went to GP who made me feel absolutely awful. He said it should have had stitches it was so deep and now my eldest has a bumpy scar on her knee 4 years old.

So I don't want to not do something simply because it's difficult with so many children - if that makes sense. Should add my own parents are divorced and my mother didn't want anything to do with us after the divorce (we were all under 10), so I am very conscious of making sure I am a good mother to them all.

We have 4 (11, 9, 6 and 4). It is hard, hard work. Eldest DS has just started secondary and is needing quite a bit of support. They all do multiple clubs. I do pack lunches for all as it is too expensive to have school dinners everyday. I live for the holidays!
I am hoping it will get easier when smallest is at school full time. Just wanted to say you are not alone!
Whywontthey sounds like you are having a very tough time

I take my hat off to all of you with four children. My three are 12, 10 and 8 and DH and I are still run ragged at times. Reading your tips to make life easier are useful for me too!

They are so much help - agree. Sometimes you just need a reminder as you can't see the wood for the trees.

The most stupid thing I ever said before having DC3 was "one more won't make any difference". What a fool

Well I thought the same but it does make a difference! One little one to comfort/entertain/look after while the older ones are doing an activity is fine. TWO little ones just upsets the balance completely. I think temperaments make quite a difference though and my youngest 2 are both headstrong but also incredibly loving and kind.

I have 6, including 2 with ASD. The youngest is now 9, and I look back to the younger days and wondered how I managed it all and work.

Some good ideas on here though. Cutting some corners, a good routine, being organised and lots of coffee got me through. I think it's also important to stay in the present and not worry too much about what the future may hold.

It is bloody hard work, that's for sure, but the irony is one day you'll look back on these days and miss them.

It will pass :)
I had 4 aged 5 and under... now 24,23,22 and 19. youngest is disabled and eldest also has special needs and as a kid a lot of appointments.

I was ruthless.. one extra curricular activity. Swimming lessons only until they could swim decently and then stopped. Hair cuts en masse once a term (Ok the boys looked shaggy but they liked it!)

A wall planner!!!!

Dh was in the forces and away a lot so I was simply organised. Lunches, bags sorted the night before and once aged8+ were expected to take some responsibility for things they needed... (GOD I HATED COOKERY...last minute I need..' )

I can barely remember now but I must have listened to them reading. Homework was their responsibility tho I would help if stuck... I do remember assisting with rather a lot of GCSE Art

But...I was not a tiger mother... If my kids wanted to succeed they had to do the work. They turned out ok :) One is a doctor, one a nurse, one travelling Australia playing his guitar and all four seem to love us :)

I did discover wine during their teenage years however

Relax and don't put too much pressure on yourself. :)

To be fair mine were swimming mainly because if they didn't they'd have drowned....no seriously babies can swim it's just a matter of not instilling fear and keeping them going. Nothing miraculous we just threw them around in a pool.

Reading they taught themselves - we had a large book box that came out when I was feeding or needing a quiet mug of tea. Wet afternoons in front of the fire choosing a favourite each. No special teaching them to read just exposure to reading. Sadly youngest s first sight reading words included 'Donald's".
Guilt needs to got rid of. Bumps happen in small families too. We only had three when one accidentally knocked the other into the corner of a glass coffee table at Centre Parcs and cut near her eye quite badly. It's still got a feint scar and I did feel guilty at the time but hey, life is too short and there are plenty of children with worse scars.
We don't need to be perfect we merely need to be good enough.
Final tip - refuse to get hamsters/rabbits/ guinea pigs. You end up cleaning them out yourself through gritted teeth. Stick insects are as bad.

Get rid of the guilt if you have one or 6 there are upsides and downsides.
My 4 are 12, 10, 9, 7 and we have 13 clubs and sports between them. It all fits of it doesnt they cant do it, it has taught them compromise. They all keep their rooms tidy and the older 3 do chores for things they want or cash to go out with mates.
Today they have entertained themsleves at home playing games and watching movies together, they are a real team and im proud of how they are together. It does get easier as they get older i promise. X

I have a 10, 8, 6 and 5 in 24 days year old! My youngest started reception this year and it had really made it easier. We do mass dentist appointments in a Saturday morning as it's an NHS drop-in. Dr spots are as and when, but I have one dc with ASD so we also have cahms/OT/speech therapy spot, and another that requires podiatry/it and physiotherapist appointments. They are all girls and I now cut their hair at home, I used to do mass hair dressing appointments.

I batch cook and always have spaghetti Bol in the freezer. I also bought dh a pizza making course. He now cooks around once a week (he is generally a shit cook!).

My last 2 didn't start swimming til they were 5 ( dc 4 to start soon!). All do gymnastics, do I can do this all en masse.

TBH, our biggest struggle has been our dd with ASD that it's really made the issue of a big family much easier, but I need to try to balance my time with them. Every night I lie down with each in bed for 10 mins. We talk, read, draw - I can focus on certain things also - I've been concentrating on dd3 practising her reading, disguised as reading with mum. Though, after late nights this Christmas, Mum time doesn't happen when we go to bed really late. Also, dd4 has no awareness of time - so she gets 7 mins!

It's tricky., but it does get easier once the youngest gets older. And I think you do normally feel guilty about being spread thin!

Oh, I contacted dd4 HV to decline the 2yo visit. They were cool with it!

If there's a Home Start in your area then a trained volunteer could come to you once a week for 2 hours. Google home start uk. They would plus with preschoolers while you get on with stuff or watch one while you concentrate on another. They can go with you to appointments and lend an extra pair of hands for those logistically difficult tasks.

I also had four under 5 at one point - they are now 11, 12, 14 and 16 - and DH working similar hours to yours. It's got much easier as they've got older.

I tried really hard to let them do the extra-curricular stuff they wanted without limiting it, because the more they try the more likely they are to find the thing they're passionate about (unsporty, no hand-eye coordination DS16 has just discovered a sport he loves and is good at; unfortunately it's rowing - hello 5am!). The way I managed (and still do) was always offer lifts to other kids when I could, to build up "credit" with other parents so I could ask them for help when I had a clash.

Swimming lessons, haircuts, dentist etc were done as a job lot, with electronics to entertain any waiters-around.

Mine spent a lot of time in the car waiting for siblings doing activities - plenty of snacks to keep them happy, and it's a good time to do reading books or simple homework.

Medical appointments I did in school hours.

It was hard when they were the ages of yours, and a bit of a blur looking back. I also had (still have) that guilt about depriving them of individual attention, opportunities, cool holidays, etc, etc; but friends with one feel guilty about that too. I think that's just a parent thing. They're all playing a board game together right now (am in Oz) chatting and laughing. It's moments like that that make it seem worthwhile.

Just with offering lifts to and from activities - how did that work with spaces in cars? Did you/do you all have people carriers?

I must admit I am the last person to ever offer lifts because I can't bear to add to the after school chaos and my DC get so excited with friends in the car.