How do I cope with 4 children? Overwhelmed - how did you do it?

[Hohowoah]

They are aged 2, 4, 6 and 8.

While the youngest was a baby (0-18 mths) it was fine. All seemed manageable. Now the youngest is also talking, has a strong opinion, only wants the toys/food the 4 year old has (!!) it's become so much more difficult.

I know it's just one phase but I am getting to the point now where I just need things to work smoothly some days.

For the first time in a long time I am not pregnant, or breastfeeding/doing night feeds, and I really wish things would fall into place but it's just getting more and more difficult.

My Y4 (eldest) has huge expectations from school (amount of homework and sports matches they are expected to do), they all do extra curricular sports/music, and I don't know when to fit in the simplest of things like dentist appointments and haircuts because I find it near on impossible to take all 4 of them anywhere (other than walking to and from school).

I spend most of my time in a state of guilt - had we had fewer children they wouldn't miss out on so much of my one-to-one attention, and I'd be able to focus more with them on homework.

DH is great but works incredibly long house (out of the house by 6 and back gone bedtime).

Even walking down the road to the shops I feel there are too many of us and we take up too much space on the pavements/people can't pass us in shop aisles. Silly as that sounds, it's how I am feeling at the moment.

How did you manage to give each child everything they needed if you have 3-4 kids close in age?

I have a 7-seater (Land Rover Discovery now, Volvo XC90 before that). I know what you mean, but I couldn't do all their activities without help, and I don't want to be that person who's always asking for something and never giving back, so I sucked it up. Much easier now that it doesn't also involve juggling child-seats too!

Nrtft but I am 1 of 5 ranging from ages 46 to 32. I never felt like anyone was favourite with regards to our mums time. We all have a really fab relationship with her now. She is 70 in March and I think if u asked any of us now, we would all say the same. Please do not feel guilty with regards time giving. The kids won't remember.

I don't drive and I absolutely can't face taking an extra child on the bus so I offer to look after the other parent's extra kids while they take the participating children to activities.

Most of my friends had people carriers when the children were little. Lots of friends had four plus children so most wives had Galaxy 8 seater. We tended to swop by age range so one took nursery kids to nursery (12 miles approx), one took primary aged little ones and we all met up after drop for a coffee. Older primary aged children aged 9 plus walked together without adult. There was a school bus too for the odd days when system failed due to illness or similar. Weekends we could all just fit in or husband did 'men's time' bicycling with the boys whilst I took eldest girl and little ones to orchestra. It changed as they got older and school became more of a focus of activities.

When our 4 were similar ages I used to fantasize about getting into the car and just driving off and never coming back .

Dh worked silly hours and was away overnights in the early days and something had to give. When they were 4, 3 and 1 I went back to work and he went onto nights. We hardly saw each other but there was always someone at home with the DC and it wasn't just me!

I would do the grocery shopping alone while he had all 4 of them, and if one had an activity the others stayed with him while I took that one. Luckily 3 of them are boys and not that interested in after school activities. I think DC4 was the only one who didn't get to do swimming, but they all did Tumble tots.

Didn't help that the middle 2 have additional needs so we had various appointments to fit in. Dentist and hair appointments were always en masse, as was shoe buying (4 of them needing H fitting shoes was fun).

I took them to school, he picked them up. I think I had the worse end of the deal there but there was much hilarity over the years when he famously left people behind. Luckily FIL retired when the middle one was at playgroup so would pick him up and keep him at theirs for the afternoon; and DC4 was the only one to get the 15 free pre school hours which clashed with my work times so FIL got him too.

GCSE/A level years brought more stress with 2 year gaps - not good planning.

We are through the other side now as they are 30, 29, 27 and 25. All are good friends and support each other. I'm glad we did it, tho looking back I don't know how.

I have much bigger age gaps - 15,7,3 and 3.
I accept there will be chaos and some balls will be dropped but I'm pretty good at prioritising and making sure it's the least important ball that hits the floor!
My main problem is giving the two older ones enough age appropriate experiences.

I'd especially like to take my 7yr old off to do some more grown up stuff.

It's funny SleightOfMind, I think we went with needs of eldest first and younger ones sort of slotted in. Younger ones tell us it's not fair we did Disney before they were born. Definitely we did more tumble tots and NCT type things with older ones as by the time we had more we had established friendships with other larger than average families somtended to mix with them.

Lots of great tips here. I would agree with giving older kids a few little jobs to do.

Mine are 10, 9, 8 and 7 and its a heck of a lot easier now than it was when they were all under 4.

Extra curriculars are limited to one per child.

Homework is online so while one is doing that another is reading then they swap.

Lunchbags they do themselves - dd2 (9) does the sandwiches, the others fill with the rest of the stuff.

They have to help with chores including the laundry. Everyone has to pull their weight. They get 20p per chore they complete and they lose tablet/tv time if they refuse.

Doc/dentist appointments are during school time and things like opticians, hairdressers are done two at a time, although with 2 girls and 2 boys it makes it a bit easier as I can take the girls to the hairdresser while dh takes the boys to the barbers.

It is relentless and stressful and exhausting and some days I could tear my hair out and run away but its pretty awesome too. Its never quiet until they're all asleep but its fab.

Watching with interest (and to pick up tips!)

My four are 8, 7, 3 years and 11 weeks!

I had been thinking of what sounds like a similar chore system to yours hairy What chores do yours do for 20p

Putting in/taking out/putting away the laundry

Doing the sandwiches and other bits of the lunchbags

Empty the bin/take the bag to the big bin

Tidy toys away

Shoes/coats/bookbags away

Set/clear the table

Pour drinks for themselves/each other

Tends to be little manageable jobs they're capable of doing without struggling so the older ones do different things to the younger ones.

Limit activities, sometimes you just need to say no. Mine are allowed to 2 each. Dd3 has swimming lsdins at weekend so I don't need to take ds1. I refused to take dd2 to football at 7pm with others 20 miles away etc

Dentist, doctor etc, do in school time, way easier.

Put dc4 in nursery. Ds1 has been going from when he was 2.

I have 3, 5, 7 and 9. It does get easier!

I make dentist/doctor appointments all at the same time, everyone has after school activities (including 3yr old) and it is easier now the older two can be dropped at a ballet class for example and picked up later. In between I'll be taking another child to a swimming lesson and listening to another read while we watch them swim.

I am organised with military precision. Meal plan, big calendar on wall, everything ready night before blah blah blah. It's not hard work anymore like when I was dragging babies in and out of the car but it's fairly intense and v busy all of the time. I love the holidays! I work term time only so school holidays are easier on everybody, DH works long hours and travels a lot. But this is what we chose and I'm from a big family so was mentally ready for it.

Having said all that, I also make sure I have time for me. If I don't exercise, life gets to me much more so I do 3 classes a week and run as well. Leaving the house on my own gives me time and space to be me (and I often have no radio on in he car to enjoy the silence!)

Also as other posters have said, all my DC pull their weight, stripping beds, bring down laundry, put their own clothes away, pack bags for school and clubs, set and clear table etc. And DH steps up when he is around. My DC are much more self-sufficient than many of their friends and I don't think that's a bad thing.

We do make sure one of us has 'special' time with each child fairly regularly, it's not timetabled but a rota resides somewhere in my head!

Lifts sharing is great. We brought 7 seat. I do drop off for older two for cubs picking up their friends and then another parent drops home. Means in get get littlest in bed for 7.30 and not go back out to do pick up at 8.30

I always pick up friends from their own houses at 6.30 before activity starts, nit after school - couldnt cope with chaos

My four are 12,11,8 and 6 (and we have a two year old retriever)! It is so much better now than it was 2 years ago. It WILL get easier!

I lift share and help out others as often as I can. They all do lots of extra curricular activities but we try and schedule swimming and riding at the weekend so DH can help because he is out of the house from 6.30 am until 8 if I'm lucky!

I meal plan and do a weekly online shop, do a mixture of packed/school lunches and have a large family planner so every appointment goes straight in. For me organisation is key but plates do get dropped occasionally!

My DstepM was widowed with 4DC and we always joke that the youngest brought herself up. Also have a friend with 4 DSs within 3 years (twins).

Top tips like above. Give yourself a break and lower some expectations. Mobile hairdresser. All did brass instruments during school hours and brass band together. Friends DSs all do rugby together just in different groups. Don't think my siblings did after school sports stuff after DF died.

I have 4 and mine are 10, 8, 7 and 4 months! I cope ok because we have the big age gap between number 3 and 4. The older kids adore the baby and help rather then hinder. It is hard work with 4 but I somehow enjoy having 4 rather then 3. I feel very symmetrical. All I can say is just try to plan ahead for birthdays and Xmas and even on a day to day level. Get a diary and keep it up to date. Every day I have at least three things I need to do. Dental appointments to make, school thing to attend, party present to get etc..and writing it down and ticking it off gives you control. What I would say is that when the oldest 3 were tiny I was a ghost. So tired and stressed but it got so much better. Before you can blink they will all be in school! Keep going op!

We have 4 and life runs smoother when everything is planned and we follow a routine. They are 12,4,3 and 2, and the eldest three have additional needs. I try and follow a few " rules" to make life easier:

-all homework is done the night it's set. Even if it's 4 pieces, it means we never fall behind and it can be forgotten about.

• never leave a room / go upstairs without taking out rubbish / dishes etc. Much easier to manage chores if little and often.

• we try and make sure 1:1 time is fair and luckily here it works well - 3yr old gets it in am, 2yr old in afternoon, 4yr old after school and 12yr old after tea. But also family time is just as important as 1:1

• keep a diary and calendar and write EVERYTHING down.

The kids additional needs means we have appointments at least 1-2 times a week on average for one or the other or sometimes all so keeping track is a must.

Finally: and is your friend

I have 3 aged 19...18 and 13 on my own and i still dont cope but we muddle through.

Hairy mine do all that already without payment lol. Maybe I'm a slave driver

I must be too... I don't pay for chores that need to be done to keep the house running. As they get older I may pay for 'above and beyond' jobs.

I have 4, 1 preschooler. What strikes me is your "guilt". Work out what you need to do to alleviate that, it's probably time spent with each child reading, doing homework, games etc and focus on that. Once the guilt goes everything else is easier.

You didn't cause your eldest's potential learning difficulties by having 4 DC and probably won't be able to solve it by doing a lot with him after school. This may be counterproductive as well, especially if he's having to try extra hard at school to stay afloat and is exhausted at the end of the day. Hopefully the school will be able to assist.

I tend to regroup with the older kids and any homework troubleshooting while DH puts the younger two to bed but I saw that your DH is home too late for that. Are there any older kids who live nearby who could help out in the evening during peak chaos time?

I have 4, all 2 school years apart. It was chaotic when they were younger, especially as I also worked shifts around dh. Now they are mostly teenagers and things are a lot easier although still very busy and I still feel bad that they don't all get enough individual attention, and of course they get more expensive which means needing to work more hours so it's a vicious circle really.