How do I cope with 4 children? Overwhelmed - how did you do it?

[Hohowoah]

They are aged 2, 4, 6 and 8.

While the youngest was a baby (0-18 mths) it was fine. All seemed manageable. Now the youngest is also talking, has a strong opinion, only wants the toys/food the 4 year old has (!!) it's become so much more difficult.

I know it's just one phase but I am getting to the point now where I just need things to work smoothly some days.

For the first time in a long time I am not pregnant, or breastfeeding/doing night feeds, and I really wish things would fall into place but it's just getting more and more difficult.

My Y4 (eldest) has huge expectations from school (amount of homework and sports matches they are expected to do), they all do extra curricular sports/music, and I don't know when to fit in the simplest of things like dentist appointments and haircuts because I find it near on impossible to take all 4 of them anywhere (other than walking to and from school).

I spend most of my time in a state of guilt - had we had fewer children they wouldn't miss out on so much of my one-to-one attention, and I'd be able to focus more with them on homework.

DH is great but works incredibly long house (out of the house by 6 and back gone bedtime).

Even walking down the road to the shops I feel there are too many of us and we take up too much space on the pavements/people can't pass us in shop aisles. Silly as that sounds, it's how I am feeling at the moment.

How did you manage to give each child everything they needed if you have 3-4 kids close in age?

Oh my goodness apostro 4 under 4 !!

Wow, thank you for the supportive replies and advice.

Splitting them into pairs does make life easier and I need to get better at that.

It's just such high levels of organisation required at ALL times! I can be super organised but I can also be lazy so I am not consistent. I keep all plates in the air during term time and then during school holidays I want to literally do nothing except a little bit of reading/homework with them. I LOVE not having to do our school run.

I haven't yet left any of them at home alone - is there a legal age for that? I am not sure I would feel comfortable doing that yet.

It's just very, very hard work. We cannot really afford any help this year and to be honest I do prefer managing all myself because I'm a control freak. I find it hard to delegate.

I had 3, and must admit that I found it hard going at times especially for things like dr/dentist etc. We had a very very consistent routine and banned after school activities, as it was just too much work and stress - and we saw a huge improvement in the kids behaviour and demeanour for it. They were over stimulated and I'm now a very firm believer in letting them relax from the noise and environment they are in for 6 hours a day. Homework was done before tea, then they had time for themselves and just to relax. One to one time is easier if you stagger bedtimes, sometimes just to have a quiet chat and cuddle. Dentist etc in half terms, and drs etc. Hairdresser to the house; shopping done online and when they're all in bed. And if you can stretch to it, nursery/playgroup means a child free morning or afternoon where you can try and do things yourself ie hairdresser or just being a grown up!!

I have 4 dc all 8 and under ( i had 4 under 3 at 1 point) and my biggest life saver is a family diary. I take it everywhere with me and i would be lost without it!
All 4 of my dc have some sort of "issues" and before my week even starts 1 of my Dc has 5 medical appointments. All of my DC have after school activities on most days of the week. It is seriously hard work, a lot of the time i feel like i am chasing my tail but i manage to fit in all dentist, opticians and school activities.

You need to have realistic expectations of yourself and children. When walking down the street just practice everyone going single file to let others past. I have found 1 on 1 time can be 5 minutes having a tickle/cuddle and reading a story.
Life is bloody hard with 4 little ones so be kind to yourself and embrace the madness.

Hugs, my 4 are 7, 5, 5, and 2, totally get what you are saying. I'm exhausted! 😂

No advice, just lots of planning ahead, and just praying that it all goes to plan 😂 I'm just about to move house (much smaller house that needs a lot of work) and start an open uni degree, I feel like I'm being a bit unrealistic but then I am better when I have deadlines. I miss working so much, I cope much better when I am in work. For me the hardest bit if how lonely I am.

Go watch them sleep, realise how much you love every second of it and and just do what you can.

It does get a lot better. You really are in the hardest period.

Mine are now 13 15 17 and 18 (19 in 6 weeks) and now they are really enjoyable. this evening we have sat in the lounge watching Modern family and finishing of Christmas sweets. They are gently teasing each other but nothing nasty just fun stuff. Really enjoyable.

The age yours are at I was my thinnest ever. I just never stopped and I remember my house as a constant state of not quite good enough. However I must have done something right (and dh too obviously ) as they are now doing good.

Best I can suggest is just to do your best as really I think you are likely doing much better than you think you are.

It feels good to know I am not alone, really does! Thank you all.

I really should worry less about the homework. Y4 DC has additional homework because school feel he is not focussed enough at school. I feel may be learning difficulties so that's something I must prioritise and find time to investigate and have assessed.

I am now starting to worry about secondary school entry exams so trying to keep on top of making sure (Y4 in particular) has an instrument, good sports skills in something, plenty of practice with english and maths.

It's tricky with the eldest because until you have the experience of something it's difficult to work out how important it is to focus on it at that particular age. For example, I now know it wasn't really necessary to take 2/3 year old to ballet every week!

Also wish I had spent more time cuddling firstborn instead of always trying to teach through play

Hohowoah I don't have four kids so I can't say how you do it.

I would simply prioritise things that are more important. Do you work outside the home too or are you a STHM?

Agree with juneau "For doctor, orthodontist and hearing test I'm sure it would be better to take that one DC out of school so that you can focus on just him/her."

If your child gets on the regional team can they get to know other kids who live close and through them you can get to know all the other mums and dads locally. If you can, see if you can share drop offs and pick ups.

Mine are 11,6,3 and 2 so I totally know where you are coming from! It is exhausting! I would definitely do any medical appointments in school time. Do you have any friends with big families? I've found that friends with 4 or more dc are a great help as they know how hard it is and will have one or two or mine for a couple of hours and I will do likewise. This really helps if I've got appointments with any of the others. My eldest is y7 and I can now leave her at home For a couple of hours which helps if I want to do something that she doesn't want to do with the little ones like soft play. I can then do something with her when they are in bed.
It is a constant juggle and you're right you have to be organised ALL the time or it all goes to ratshit!

You are trying to do too much.

The 8yo needs to be more independent.

One extra curricular per child max.

School dinners rather than packed lunches.

8& 6yo can walk themselves to school.

Learn to do the hairdressing yourself. Get cuts that don't need done regularly. Get a mobile hairdresser if must.

Your DCs seem to have a lot of medical needs. Have you called nhs24 and asked if a gp appointment is really needed for all those enquires?

Dentists do in holidays.

8yos should be doing their own reading/homework.

What a nice post busybusybust,raising 4 kids as single parent wow that's achievement

I got an au pair when I had my 4th. (I was working too so needed some childcare). But it just helped me so that I didn't have to take the youngest with me if I had appointments with the oldest etc. Had help round the house. Mostly the AP helped with the younger ones - it's the older ones that need the most attention ime.

If you have space could you do this?

4 kids here. For a start you should make things a bit easier on yourself. HV appt for 2 year old not compulsory and rarely finds anything useful. If you're happy they're healthy, put that off. 4 year old: 10 days of diarrhoea really unlikely to be good intolerance, infective cause still most likely so if you put that off chances are it will self- resolve. In the mean time just exclude lactose for a bit as secondary lactose intolerance from acute gastro does happen, simple thing to do.

If a couple have drs take them both at same time. Dentists do whole family as job lot.
Homework is for child to,do not parent so a quiet area and leave them to get on with it.
I would be wary of pushing to academically competitive independent if you think already they may be struggling. If learning difficulties suspected that should be priority as it will affect many other aspects of your life.
Where is your husband in all this? I would not have survived my six without his input.

Simplify as much as possible - throw them in bath together. Clothes out night before, every day. Ask other parents for help with lifts, clubs etc.
Pay for school lunches rather than worrying about packed lunches.
Get a cleaner/mothers help if you can afford it. Just a few hours a week makes a huge difference.

I have 3, all close in age and very, very energetic. Honestly, they are like 3 Labrador puppies. We're just coming out of the really hectic stage as the youngest is now at preschool 2 days a week. I alternate wildly between bloody loving having a bit of breathing space and hating not having a little baby / toddler at home but I'm NOT having anymore!

It is absolutely bloody hard work and I think recognising that sometimes helps. My biggest strategies were / are going to bed early: boring I know but if you've had a decent night's sleep you can cope with so much more. I found that staying up later just to feel like I'd had some "adult" time was just not worth it (am on MN from my bed now ).

My other biggest tip may seem very tiny but it made a big difference to me: we have a MOBILE HAIRDRESSER! She's awesome! Mine are all boys and their hair grows so fast. She comes to me once a month, she cuts all our hair and there's no hanging around a salon with the boys getting progressively more bouncy. My hair's never looked better as I never had the time / opportunity to get it cut until we started doing this. It's also £££££ cheaper as she has minimal overheads. She's a school mum friend so maybe ask there? I know several mums who do this as it's a good way of making some money (all trained hair dressers).

Anyway, I'm rambling. Don't give yourself a hard time

Could you afford a mother's help or some help in the home for a couple of hours to stop feeling overwhelmed. With regard to haircuts how about a mobile hairdresser instead of taking them into a barbers/salon. Do one thing a week special for a child i.e. new shoes instead of all at once to stagger things.

Beebeeright - do you have 4 children in the UK?

I'm a relaxed parent but no way can an 8 year old and a 6 year old walk to school alone unless you live next door to the school IMO

Learn to do hairdressing? The OP wants to make life easier rather than harder, how is she going to have time to learn how to do that?

I was going to suggest an au pair, but I see you said you cannot afford that.

If help isn't an option, I would just reduce what you do, it sounds like an awful lot you are doing, and an awful lot of pressure you are putting on yourself.

I'm the eldest of four, and just in case it makes you feel better!, I never felt I didn't have enough attention as a kid, and I love being part of a big family. We each used to get 'special days', maybe 2 or 3 times a year, where one parent would take us out all by ourselves for the day - some of my best memories.

Plan plan and plan.
Meal plan. Uniform planned and ready for week.
Get older ones to do jobs e.g. Set table and get juice for smaller ones.
It does get easier!
And lower your expectations.

Crumbs, rather than wanting a competitive secondary I am worried about getting into any secondary at all. I hear horror stories of how difficult it is from friends with older DC - ALL schools difficult to get into even the ones that are not popular (we are in London). One good local comp but are not in catchment. When you mention learning diff affecting all areas of life, do you have experience? I suspect mild dyslexia - Dc is able to keep up (just) but it takes far more effort than peers and does not come easily.

DH is supportive and helps a lot at week ends but long hours during week (14 hour days).

I am about to - very reluctantly - start with packed lunches because DC4 (reception) has gone the entire term without eating school lunches. 1-2 mouthfuls and comes out of school ravenous.

I have 3 and they are older now but i still remember the hard grind of daily life when they were small. It definitely gets better, likes others havecssid you are in the eye of the storm right now. Things will get easier gradually. Try to do things at weekends where possible so you have an extra pair of hands. Lots of other advice already given but you are definitely not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I'm a year or two your life will still be very busy but there will be so many things that you no longer find difficult and the kids will be great company, for you and each other.

If you are looking at state secondaries then the extracuricular stuff isn't relevant is it? I'm not in London so don't know if things are different there, why do you think music lessons and sport will help?

Sandy I don't think we'll have a good state option. Where we are is great for primary but thin on the ground for secondary. We will not be moving house so I am looking at private as an option. Honestly, I don't know how to navigate the whole secondary school process and am probably worrying about it far to early on but do not want to be unprepared.

I've only got 3 but agree with quite a lot of the advice so far especially re school dinners, homework and minimalising clubs.

Would add getting a takeaway one night a week to give you a break from cooking, making simple meals a couple of other evenings (egg on toast, jacket potatoes). I also find I cope a lot better if I get up much earlier than the kids to get on top of things and get myself looking presentable!