Fucking ex-wife and PIL

[FedUpBird]

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

In an ideal world, everyone could have dinner and family get togethers with all their exes - but the point is the OP is being excluded, hated even, by her dh's family. The family are prioritising the ex-W over their own son/brother - and I don't think that's right.

has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

He blocked her because he does not want to see photos of them playing happy families......that seems childish to me.

So he wants not only to dictate who is family spend time with but also what his sister puts on her Facebook.....controlling much

I'm still friends with my ex's mum and sister. I see them regularly. But I wouldn't dream of waltzing into their family Xmas and making things awkward for my ex and his wife (even though they had an affair and split us up so I don't think highly of them!). I may see his family over Xmas but I'd certainly give them space on the big days!

We don't know who treated who badly, we just know that they are divorced. And the only thing we know about how everyone is treated is the sister has a photo (I've got photos of my sister's ex-h coz it's a lovely photo of my neice) and the OP describes a women the sister clearly sees as a friend as the "fucking ex-wife".
If it's been 10 years since the divorce it's likely that the in laws have known this women longer as a single/remarried women than they knew her as an in-law. And, while i do trust my siblings judgement, there's a world of difference between "this marriage didn't work" and "this person is someone who should be totally cut out of everyone's life".

new

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

To me this sounded like a jealous wife that can't understand why anybody would want to have contact with the mother of their nephews/nieces.

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

'Playing happy bloody families' yes.... maybe because they do see her as part of the family? Even if this wasn't driven by the wife (which, I admit, we don't know. Maybe DH and wife agree or one person's hurt emotions made the other upset) I still don't see why it matters.

He had children with her and married her. Unless she does something awful he'll just have to deal with the consequences.

That's how I personally see it and how it would be in my family.

As I said, I had Christmas breakfast at my mother's house with my OH, my ex and OH's ex.

Sometimes a marriage just doesn't work out.

I assume they wouldn't stay in contact with the ex if she was abusive, for example.

But it sounds like he's simply angry that they see each other and post pictures of it on social media.
And she is angry that there's a picture of the exW at SIL's house?
That seems stupid and childish to me.

For me, it depends on what occurred before the OP was on the scene. It could be that the SIL is being unreasonable, but it might also be the OP.

It is not absolutely clear whether the OP's DH is unhappy with the situation because he doesn't get on with his ex-wife, or whether he is unhappy because his new wife doesn't like it.

There are obviously families (from the posts in this thread) where the split was amicable enough that everyone still gets together at Christmas and it works for everyone. Presumably, if that can work, it is the best possible outcome for the children.

If for the first three years before OP came on the scene, this occurred and was working perfectly well, then OP appeared and kicked up a fuss, then I think I could understand the SIL choosing the ex. The OP would be putting her irrational jealousy before the best interests of the children.

If The OP's DH had a non-amicable split, and he really doesn't want his ex-wife there because they don't get on, then the SIL is being unreasonable.

I would expect most people to put their sibling first. However much I liked my ex-in-law, and even if I wanted to continue my friendship with them, I personally would put my sibling first. Then again, I like and respect my sibling. Maybe, some families don't function as well.

I think the OP is just trying to sound out - literally - if she's got basis for feeling what she's feeling.

The whole point of this board, right? And the prevailing answer seems to be she's right to feel weird and upset x

I find this very sad that they are expected to just drop ex-family, despite how well they may have got on

It's not an expectation that exIL are dropped - it's an expectation that they are sensitive to their Blood families feelings.

The OPs SIL knows it upsets her DBro to have such a close relationship with his exW.

Rather than consider why that may be, and reflect that her own judgement may be wrong (given, you know, that her DBro was married to the woman) she has dismissed her DBros feelings and judgement in favour of her own.

That's great 1horatio. But what if you and the ex couldn't bear the sight of each other - it happens. And your mum then prioritising your ex over you - I just know you're going to say oh that's fine, she can choose who she spends time with. But I don't believe you wouldn't find it hurtful.

After all this time you should bury your jealousy and accept the fact his family actually like this other woman and are friends with her on their own level, nothing to do with her being ex anything.

She is the mother of their grandchildren and niece so she has every right to be part of their family.

It's in everybodies interest to get on so you demanding they like you more simply because you are the current wife, is deeply unpleasant. Maybe work on your own attitude and acceptance of other people's choices and you will get on better with them.

I find this very sad that they are expected to just drop ex-family, despite how well they may have got on

The OP has not said that. She is upset at her SIL making her unwelcome and at her PILs regularly hosting her DH's ex over Christmas and New Year. She has not said that she expects them to cut contact completely.

He blocked her because he does not want to see photos of them playing happy families......that seems childish to me

Ignoring the fact that the SIL has made her hatred of his current wife clear. It may be that he wouldn't have been upset about the photos if she accepted his current wife.

I get its hurtful - my own mother has taken my abusive stbxh side even though hes been violent.

But on the flip side many of my in laws of 25 years despite previously good relationships have cut me off using the blood is thicker than water stance.

Im furious and hurt. Ive done nothing apart from speak out about the violence.

Ive lost all respect for my in laws as their position hurts our children. Far and away the most mature family members have been the younger ones from his side who judge people on their deeds and not the blood tie.

There may be things you dont know. Either way its not your place or even your DH to tell others who they want in their lives.

hoatio
I assume they wouldn't stay in contact with the ex if she was abusive, for example.

How would they know? The exSIL isn't going to tell them, is she?

Why should the OPs DH broadcast the details of his marriage breakdown to his family in order to get them "on side".

My parents don't know the half of what my exH did. What they do know they've accepted his explanations of. Why should I have to tell them all the gory details in order for them to accept my judgement?

I had known his family for 17 yrs, when he walked out. I was friends with many of his relatives and there are a lot!

They have been asolutely fab, helping me in the last 4.5 yrs with the DCS, support, friendship, listened to me etc. I love them dearly.

OW and new his DP, wanted and demanded that all contact with me was cut and they had nothing to do with me. My MIL at 70 pointed out that her son could do what he liked but no one was going to dictate who she was going to be friends with and stop her seeing her DGCs.

The rest of his family said the same, she is welcome and we will treat her as we did you - but we are not being told who we can be friends with.

I am eternally grateful for the love and support my ex in laws have shown me - in the most traumatic period of my life. In the past 4 yrs, I faced the destruction of my marriage, accusations, my DCs were emotionally abused and driven out of their DFs life, my parents passed away, my sib was seriously ill, one of the DCS was seriously ill and ended up on intensive care and I had a major operation.

I would not have coped as well as I have it had not been for their unwavering support of the children and myself.

You need to find your place in the family and actually make an effort. Ex MIL, sent presents, cards for her and her children, went for coffee with her and her son and was ignored and never received a thankyou once. It set the tone for their relationship.

NewNN My niece never spends Christmas with her dad. They split when she was about 10/11 and he went off with the woman he met on the internet. They were not very nice to her at all. She and her DM (my ex SIL) thus spent Christmas with us. Niece is in her mid 20s now and knows where her loyalties lie. Things have calmed down and moved on a lot since those early days. DB married the OW and they have a child together now. On the surface things are fairly amicable in the family but old hurts run deep.

If you think lumping it has to involve keeping quiet about your feelings new, you've not read my post properly. Notice that I say I'd fuck them off, because the right to associate with who you like works both ways.

But in reality, like it or lump it are the choices. They've made their choices already.

And to suggest that because someone is a 'blood' relative tops everything else and the SIL should favour her DB (and his newer wife) over a dear friend and exclude her, is disregarding the SILs feelings apart from being crazy

Perhaps SIL is great friends with the exW and they meet up regularly as opposed to seeing the DB on an infrequent basis? We don't know their relationship.

I hate how people are expected to cut someone from their lives when a relationship ends. She is the mother of their grandchildren and nieces/nephews.

Adults are free to make their own friendship choices, not have it dictated to them by others.

It's also wonderful for the children to see an amicable breakup where less changes for them.

If for the first three years before OP came on the scene, this occurred and was working perfectly well, then OP appeared and kicked up a fuss, then I think I could understand the SIL choosing the ex. The OP would be putting her irrational jealousy before the best interests of the children.

I assumed this was going on for the last 10...? And has only become an issue now?

If The OP's DH had a non-amicable split, and he really doesn't want his ex-wife there because they don't get on, then the SIL is being unreasonable.

I would expect most people to put their sibling first.

Yes, I would put my siblings first (uneless they were being little shits, which they sometimes are...) or behaving in a way that would harm their future (?) children...

And lastly, woodlander I spent Christmas dinner (the 24th)with my extended family. These includes people I'd quite deadly push in a shark tank or drop off in Syria... (or just send to some kind of deserted Island....)
I know that feeling. But sometimes you simply have to suck it up. Especially when children are involved.

They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

My ex PILs still consider me to be their DIL and always will do, I get invited to family get togethers, ex - h and his new partner do too and there have been several occasions where we have all attended and acted like adults.

How far away do SIL and EW live? If she lives far away, it's pretty cold to say thanks for dropping off the kids and send EW home on Xmas Eve.
The photo might not be about keeping you away. Maybe the day that it was taken has special memories for her? I have a friend who has a photo that she took which helped her realise that her PND had left. It's an unremarkable pic to a stranger but massive for her.

And to suggest that because someone is a 'blood' relative tops everything else and the SIL should favour her DB (and his newer wife) over a dear friend and exclude her, is disregarding the SILs feelings apart from being crazy

For many people, it hurts a lot more to be rejected by blood family than friends/in laws.
Came as quite a surprise to me at the time.

So he wants not only to dictate who is family spend time with but also what his sister puts on her Facebook.....controlling much

Blocking someone on social media is controlling them?...On the glue much?

Why should I have to tell them all the gory details in order for them to accept my judgement?

Because people make judgements and choices based on the information they have. If you refuse to give that info then don't throw a strop when they don't side with you.

Why should somebody blindly follow your judgement just because you are family?

Does being family make you perfect or unable to lie?