Fucking ex-wife and PIL

[FedUpBird]

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

Were you the other woman/instrumental in the break up of his first marriage?

am assuming there was a crossover ie he left her for you

Simple maths of them being together 7 years, but the husband and wife splitting up 10 years ago suggests not.

OP this is pretty upsetting but it is their decision to make and you can't do a right lot about it.

This must be so hurtful for your DH. His family are disregarding his feelings in favour of his exW.

YANBU.

Oh sorry I misinterpreted - so you can never go to inlaws so at Christmas or New Years? Does your DH go? Can he not change things around next year? Host the DC at you and DH's house? No inlaws or ex wife then?

ultimately, it's not what the adults prefer but what the DCs need. For me that overrides everyone else's preferences - this. She is the mother of their neice /nephew/grandchildren and therefore like it or not will always be part of their family. Why don't you go too and let the kids spend Christmas with their whole family. If me and DH spilt I'd like to think we could have some arrangement similar to this. Do you generally get on with his family?

I think yabu.

Sil formed a relationship with her bevsuse of the marriage. But its its own independent realtionship. Just because she and your dh decided to divorce, it doesnt mean everyone else has to drop contact with her.

She is also not obliged to be friends with you because you married her brother.

You can't dictate who your in laws are freinds with, if my brother split up with his wife I'd still see her regularly I'm sure - she's fab. And if my brother remarried and his new wife got all mardy about it I probably would struggle to like her much too.
They can spend Christmas with whoever they like, maybe stop taking it as a personal insult? it's been 10 years, their relationship with this woman has nothing to do with your husband and even less to do.with you.

ultimately, it's not what the adults prefer but what the DCs need.

My DD is accutely aware that her Dad and stepmums relationship with my family is unconventional.
DCs are far more capable of coping with different adults in different parts of their lives then we credit them with - and they don't 'need' to see all of them getting on together as one big happy family.

The OP is not an ow - there is no need for his family to pick sides.
I understand his family wanting to keep in contact with his ex - she is the mother of their grandchildren/neices/nephews. If they cut her out then they potentially lose the relationship with the children. And they probably do love her as she gas been part of their unit for a long time now. That being said, it would be tactful if it wasn't every Christmas. Yanbu to not want to spend every Christmas with your dh's exw and ils who dislike you. That brings me out in hives just thinking about it.
They should make you feel welcome because you are their son's/brother's choice of partner.
So I think you kind of have to accept her being in their lives but you don't have to suck up undeserved hostility from his family or enforced cosy family events where she is present. You can't make his family like you, so all you can do is what you are doing already. Your dh has to manage his own family and if they won't try to build a relationship with you, then they will end up losing their son because he chooses you. Their loss.

OP, this is a crappy situation, and I feel for you.

From experience, it will not change.

Do you have dc with your DH?

My STBXH's family are similar. H has 2 dc from his first marriage. I was not OW, or a crossover in any way (they split 5+ years before I met H). His family, from the outset, with no need or provocation on my part, declared that H's ex was their 'real' SIL/DIL/whatever, and I was not.

Yes, they had known her a long time, and were friendly with her. All well and good. There was no attempt at drawing lines from me. They were not prepared to even try to get to know me, as it might upset exW. When H and I had children, both my BIL stated that this was unfair on H's children, and inappropriate and unacceptable, and that their 'real' nieces/nephews would be H's first 2 dc, and not any further dc. They do not consider my (as in H and my) dc as 'equal' relations to them/their dc.

They have consistently invited exW instead of me to various family functions over the years. It is utterly bonkers, and I am not the one who is not being a grown up about it. None of them gave me a chance at all.

H and I have been together for over 16 years (FWIW, longer than he was with his exW), have 3 dc (none of H's relatives have even met our youngest) and it is, quite frankly a ridiculous situation of their making.

their relationship with this woman has nothing to do with your husband
So his feelings are irrelevant and his sister should ignore his hurt and upset?

Big eye roll, some people are totally missing the point. SIL can have a relationship with op dh ex, but totally disregarding her brothers feelings, and treating op the way she is, not on. Usually in a break up, dad gets EOW contact, and holiday contact, there HE takes his children to his family, usually ex does not feature in this. The fact that sIL has deliberately kept pictures up of them together, means she has no respect for her brother current relationship or the kids within it, as is evident in the op. That is not acceptable. Her brother has moved on now, and has a new relationship with kids. She is acting in a totally unacceptable way. If I were op, I would have my own family NYD at home with dh and our kids.

Op, how does she treat your kids? Is she a good Aunt, or not!

I host my ex SIL for Christmas. This year she came with her new fiance. I really like her and she is like a sister to me. I don’t really get on very well with my DB and his new wife. I don’t hate them, i just have nothing in common with them. I am not really bothered what they think. It is my home and i will host whoever i want.

There is no need for ex to be at family functions, now that they are divorced and separated for 10 years, the kids do not need the mum to be there, they have their dad! They are probably in their teens or early teens, why! People trying to find excuses for this unacceptable behaviour on sIL part.

Do you think you husband hates it because you make such a huge fuss about it? She's not dead, their relationship is over, but she will always be the mother of you leaving husband's children.

My ex's wife is my best friend so I suppose I come at this from a completely different perspective.

Does your brother and his new wife come to you Bluesky! Yes its your house etc etc, but its their right to not come to yours!

is my home and i will host whoever i want.

Those are the exact words my parents used in relation to my exH and his DW.
Their relationship with him was more important than their relationship with me.
They accepted his narrative about the end of the marriage, and by keeping him in their lives, they validated his behaviour.

jiggly her dh is doing right be supporting her, and he can probably see the shitty treatment on his sisters part, it looks like she does nothing to hide it!

Aeroflot, you speak sense.

Aeroflot. My DB and his wife do not come to mine at Christmas because i don’t invite them. I invite my ex-SIL, my niece and her partner and my DP’s.

My sister and her dp recently split. I genuinely love her exdp and miss her enormously, having had her as part of my life for years. I want to cry just thinking about her. But my loyalty is to my sister. She comes first and that is how it should be imo. I would not trash my relationship with my sister by prioritising my relationship with her ex. That is what the OPs ILs are doing to their son/brother.

I invite my ex-SIL, my niece and her partner and my DP’s.

Does you niece never spend Xmas with her Dad?

OP YANBU, I find it a bit bizarre that posters are saying otherwise

Where I have seen this sort of thing take place (MIL having high level of contact with XSIL for example) it has been because the X family member is, and always has been, the one that bothered to take the children round and do "family" stuff in the first place.

I am now also an XDIL to the same MIL. Surprise surprise, I take her grandchild to see her. And the new DIL invites her over to keep grandchild contact with her son.

Son (my XH) sits back and does fuck all to enable contact between them.

OP I reckon YANBU. In my situation I am the EW and I wouldn't dream of putting DD's stepmum in this position. I find it really awkward when I see ex PIL at events like school shows and they talk to me loads, I always say, "look ex and his wife are over there" I think that my ex PILs are lovely people, but I would feel awful hanging out with them at the expense of ex and his wife.

We try and do big events together on neutral ground so everyone can come and not feel awkward. I get on well with ex and we work together in parenting DD. I did feel sad that I sort of lost some friendships when we split, eg NYE parties with friends that originated with him. I can see that it could be awkward if I still went, but I have moved on.

Thanks Font , it is a crap behaviour from sIL. There is no crossover or nor is she the OW, as op dh was separated 3 years from his ex, when he met op. No excuse really for treating her brother and his wife with such disrespect, and that is what it is! Yes she can host who she wants, but equally her brother has every right to not come when his ex wife is going to be there. A totally weird and unusual situation.