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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:01

family is permanent. That's how I see it, at least.

So it wouldn't matter what the ex had done, how much they'd hurt the blood relative, the IL is a family member and must always be treated as such?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 10:02

jiggly because he is his wife and is treated from what op has said badly by his sister. How many times have I read on Mumsnet, when an op partner does not support op when she is being treated badly by his family, "oh you have a dh problem" he has got her back as he shoukd, and can see how badly his system treats his new wife!

chocolateworshipper · 31/12/2016 10:02

My view would be that they should feel free to host her sometimes - but NOT every Christmas. I also don't think it's reasonable to keep that photo on display of DH and EW because it is being done to make you feel uncomfortable. Does DH have any photos of his sister with any ex-boyfriends that you could prominently display around your house?!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 10:03

Sister not system doh! A lot of you are totally missing the point.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 10:03

I don't understand all this "he divorced her and they should trust his judgement" crap.

Families are not hive minds. They can think for themselves and like who they want.

TheLegendOfBeans · 31/12/2016 10:06

Racoon

At the expense of the feelings of their own son?!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 10:06

Sister for some reason dislikes op, whether it is because op dh treated her badly, or did the dirty on her with another woman (not op). Op face does not fit and she remains loyal to his first wife. All sil behaviour towards op is to make her uncomfortable and it us downright spiteful and nasty. She seems like she does not conduct herself in a sensitive and considerate way.

Booshbeesh · 31/12/2016 10:07

family is permanent. That's how I see it, at least

So the op should also be included as she has now married there son/brother so is to family.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:08

Families are not hive minds. They can think for themselves and like who they want.

Yes, you're right, they can. But that doesn't diminish the pain it causes when the sister/parents you love welcome the person who hurt you into their home as an equal family member even though they know how difficult you find it.

The family are making a choice. They know that their DS is hurt by their choice to welcome his ex, but rather than question internally why that is, and consider that there may be good reasons that they don't know about, they tell their family member to suck it up.

It's incredibly painful when your family disregards your feelings in that way.

SilentBatperson · 31/12/2016 10:11

Yanbu not to like it, of course not, but that basically means you need to lump it. They can host who they like and display whatever photos they like. You don't get a say on that, and the post about families not having hive minds is totally correct.

But personally, if I felt it were being done to make a point, I'd treat it in the spirit it's intended in and fuck them all off. The right to do what you like works both ways.

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 10:13

The sister knows that her brothers relationship with this woman broke down to the point in which they divorced. In those circumstances it's not unreasonable to expect her to trust her brothers judgement that it was the right thing to do?

Remaining friends with ex sil isnt questioning her brother judgment. Just because their marriage didnt work out, doesnt mean his ex eife is a bad person.

Just because the brother found their marriage didnt work, doesnt mean the ex wife is a bad person.

No, i would not drop a good friend because their marriage fell apart. Nor do i believe that being blood related gives yiu the right to tell people who to drop.

Its unfortunate the op doesnt get on with her sil. Its still no reason for the sil to drop someone she has a relationship with.

Wilberforce2 · 31/12/2016 10:13

YANBU and I completely get your frustration.

My dh's ex is everywhere I go, they have been divorced for 15 years and their kids are 19 and 23 (mine and dh's kids are 8 and 2) but she gets invited to every single family event that they have, including a massive family wedding earlier this year. It does my head in and makes things really awkward, dh has repeatedly asked why she is always invited and apparently it's because they feel sorry for her!

No idea what you can do about it but if you work it let me know Flowers

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 10:15

At the expense of the feelings of their own son?!

If that's what they have decided.

You choose to marry somebody and in an ideal world your family will like/love the person you have chosen however that is not always the case.

How many times are DILs told on here that if they don't like the PIL then they don't have to spend time with them, they married DH not his family blah blah blah. Yet here the family are expected to dump a person they like, see as a member of their family ( mother to GC and DN & DN) and have not fallen out with in favour of a women they have not chosen to be in their life and by the sounds of it do not like very much.

They are not so much disregarding the sons feelings but more saying they will not be forced to choose.

LazyDayInBed · 31/12/2016 10:16

OMG, I could not be doing with exes in the mix at family gatherings!

I suppose it's fine if the family still want to be in contact with the ex, but blood is thicker than water imo; I would have to put my family member first and wouldn't entertain the idea of hosting them at the same functions!

Peanutbutterrules · 31/12/2016 10:16

I feel your pain OP - we have this. First time I met DH's family they made it very clear. Its particularly bizarre as they acknowledge that she treated by DH badly in the marriage but she's so much fun they have her over every New Year and meet up all the time.

They've hurt DH beyond belief with this; and made sure they aren't part of our DD's life. For the record I met DH after he moved out, and her boyfriend had moved in.

In short...DH is really hurt, my daughter has missed out on an extended family life and they've caused a lot of pain over the years.

Why they couldn't juggle the relationships I don't know but they chose her side and stuck to it. She behaved badly over the kids for years, and i"m sure she was empowered by the family stance. If someone treated my brother the way she behaved they wouldn't be my friend. DH has decided,that frankly, they just don't like him much so we've just gotten on with our lives.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:16

Nor do i believe that being blood related gives yiu the right to tell people who to drop.

I agree. However, I do not believe I should put and and shut up.
If my families choice to continue a friendship with my ex (and develop a friendship with his DW) hurts me - I can choose to end my relationship with them.

Expecting me to "lump it" as silent suggests is not a healthy way for anyone to live.

InfiniteCurve · 31/12/2016 10:18

If Ex treated their son badly then you'd hope they'd support him,but we don't know,do we? Maybe the son behaved appallingly,maybe they just grew apart.No point speculating.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:20

She behaved badly over the kids for years, and i"m sure she was empowered by the family stance

This is certainly true in my case and something I don't think families who stay in contact with ex's realise.

My ex used to say "well, your parents agree with me" on a regular basis - even in mediation! It empowers the ex to continue with behaviour that hurts because the family support them.

prh47bridge · 31/12/2016 10:24

My parents kept in touch with my first wife, mainly to make sure they didn't lose contact with my daughters, but there is no way they would have hosted her at Christmas and New Year. The SIL's attitude to the OP is also very poor.

Yes, people can like who they want. But, if I were their son, I would find their behaviour extremely hurtful. I am not surprised the OP's husband has cut his sister out of his life. If his parents carry on like this they risk being cut out of his life too. They will, of course, blame him rather than looking at their own behaviour.

Keeping in touch with his ex and their grandchildren is fine. The OP's husband would be unreasonable if he expected his parents to cut contact completely. But pushing it to the point where you know you are hurting your son is insensitive, to say the least. Even if the OP was the other woman in her husband's first marriage, the PILs need to recognise that they are making a choice that will result in them keeping the (apparently much loved) ex-DIL but losing their son.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:27

Maybe the son behaved appallingly,maybe they just grew apart.No point speculating.

It's not about speculating - it's about who the family 'trust' more; their blood relative, or the person who married into the family.

It's oft said on MN that there are three sides to every divorce - one from each spouse and the truth.
The family won't know the truth - only the couple know what went on behind closed doors. So they decide whether to accept their family members or their IL 'side'.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 10:27

boosh

So it wouldn't matter what the ex had done, how much they'd hurt the blood relative, the IL is a family member and must always be treated as such?

Look, if somebody hurt my little brother or sister I'd want to murder them (I obviously wouldn't actually do it, but you know...?). Whether that person was family because of blood, because of marriage or even if they were just a random person.

But sometimes relationships 'just' end. Not because somebody did something horrific, but people are very often just not right for each other anymore.
Or maybe the son treated the ex badly... we don't have any information about that, so why assume?

All I've seen here is a jealous woman trying to dictate who others get to regard as family.

My ex was part of my wedding party. I even had Christmas breakfast with my OH, the ex and the ex's OH this year.

And there were several exes present during the main Christmas celebration for extended family. In my family parents and children are a package deal.
If you reject the mother you reject half of the child.

Of course there are circumstances that justify that. But the OP didn't write anything about something like that.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 10:31

Ooops:

boosh

So it wouldn't matter what the ex had done, how much they'd hurt the blood relative, the IL is a family member and must always be treated as such?

Look, if somebody hurt my little brother or sister I'd want to murder them (I obviously wouldn't actually do it, but you know...?). Whether that person was family because of blood, because of marriage or even if they were just a random person.

But sometimes relationships 'just' end. Not because somebody did something horrific, but people are very often just not right for each other anymore.
Or maybe the son treated the ex badly... we don't have any information about that, so why assume?

All I've seen here is a jealous woman trying to dictate who others get to regard as family.

My ex was part of my wedding party. I even had Christmas breakfast with my OH, the ex and the ex's OH this year.

And there were several exes present during the main Christmas celebration for extended family. In my family parents and children are a package deal.
If you reject the mother you reject half of the child.

Of course there are circumstances that justify that. But the OP didn't write anything about something like that.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:31

horatio. It's not "a jealous woman trying to dictate" though, is it?

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media

The OPs DH is upset, has challenged his DSis, and has begun to limit contact with her.

Doesn't sound like this is being driven by the OP - it sounds like she's rightfully angry at those people who are hurting her DH.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:33

If you reject the mother you reject half of the child

So all those DCs whose parents don't spend Xmas as a huge extended family are being rejected?
Rubbish.

It might help you justify your unconventional arrangements but it's certainly not the panacea of good parenting Hmm

AliceInUnderpants · 31/12/2016 10:34

I find this very sad that they are expected to just drop ex-family, despite how well they may have got on. I actually got on better with ex's family after we divorced, and was round there at least once a week, mostly without the children, and took on a partial caring role for one of his relatives before her death this year. The only time this was ever a problem, was with his brother, after the death he had an issue with me being about Hmm

This does not excuse the way they treat you though.

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