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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
MagicChicken · 31/12/2016 09:18

They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

Because they are still good friends? Sorry but you can't dictate who they choose to see socially and keep in contact with. If I had a close relationship with my SIL or BIL I wouldn't just drop them because the marriage ended and slot the next partner into their place without a backward glance.

they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

As soon as someone trots out the line 'playing happy families' they've lost me to the other side. It wreaks of bitterness and envy and pettiness. I instantly think I'm looking at someone who obsesses over other people's relationships instead of just quietly getting on with their own.

If your DH's sister obviously feels that his ex is part of her family and she is entitled to 'play happy fucking families' with whomever she chooses. The more you get all fired up over it the less chance you'll have of building a decent relationship with her yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 09:20

Right bluesky I gather there is a backstory to your situation, which of course you don't have to go into. But might be similar to ops.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 09:21

ellisandra There's another thread running ATM where several posters, such as myself, have ended up NC because of our DParents choice to prioritise our ex in their lives.

My DD sees her Gparents with her Dad but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have facilitated that contact if he hadn't.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 09:22

Not much of that will go on if SIL hates her Magic, op has a right to be angry and vent on here! Don't you have feelings! They are not a family anymore, she is right! So they cannot play happy families as they have split, and her brother is with op now, and has kids with op. Op does SIL have your kids pictures in her house?

JCo24 · 31/12/2016 09:24

You've been together 16 years but they've been divorced for 10... Found your issue

ShowMePotatoSalad · 31/12/2016 09:24

Why are people asking the OP whether she was "instrumental" in the break up of her DH's first marriage?

Her OP clearly says So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and We've been together about 7 years and married 2

SomethingLikeFlying · 31/12/2016 09:25

JC Where did you get 16 years from?? They've been together for 7.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 31/12/2016 09:25

JC they've been together for 7 years. Not every "second wife" is an evil man-stealer ya know...

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 09:26

JC024 We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

Err no your maths is very out. Where the hell did you get 16 years from!

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 09:29

If I had a close relationship with my SIL or BIL I wouldn't just drop them because the marriage ended

In many cases, when a marriage ends, there is pain and unhappiness about the way in which the other party has behaved.

My parents have no idea what happened before and during my split with exH. They believe what he's told them, but I haven't shared details with them.

Their continued acceptance of him in their life despite my unhappiness about it implies that they don't trust my judgement and they obviously think that they know him better than I do Confused

JCo24 · 31/12/2016 09:30

Sorry I think I X posted. Although I'm not sure how.

thirstyformore · 31/12/2016 09:31

Yanbu. At all. When people get divorced family dynamics change. Dh's family should put his feelings first. Not his ex wife's.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 09:35

Dh's family should put his feelings first

Having lived this for years, I look at it slightly differently. It's entirely up to the family who they prioritise, but

they should not be surprised if their family member is hurt by their choice to put their exIL ahead of their own family

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/12/2016 09:37

Your SIL has remained very loyal to the ex and it's not fair of her to not give you a chance but sorry, I don't think DH's recent reaction will help at all.
I suspect it happens quite a lot.

Some families do tell their own relations, "S/he's out of your league....you're punching above your weight....don't mess up, hang onto that one" etc.
Then when they for whatever reason split up, sympathy is all with the DIL/son-in-law/BIL or SIL.

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 09:39

Why should sil not host someone shr likes becausr her brother doesnt like it?

Would he drop friends because his sister doesnt like them?

You are all adults. The sil can do what she wants. If eho her friends are hurt yiu, thats your issue.

dowhatnow · 31/12/2016 09:40

I really missed my ex bil and would have loved to have kept in contact. I didn't because it was best everyone moved on, however they didn't have kids. Had kids been involved I would definitely have wanted to involve him when seeing the kids.
I don't think it's an either/or situation though. I think you could work it out so that you see them for different parts of Christmas, for example. I wouldn't include them at the expense of the new partner but I would try to find ways to see and be involved with both families, but at separate times. If this wasn't acceptable to the new partner, I'm sure my feelings would be coloured towards them.

Op, have you tried to work with them or are you anti ex in general?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 09:51

Why does the title put most of the blame on the exw shoulders?
The PIL are choosing to invite her and if she loves them and sees them as family why should she not spend time with them?

All this family loyalty stuff .....well the ex was/is family too she is mother to their grandchildren and as adults it is their choice who they spend time with.
As for sil she does not like you. You cannot force her to just because you married her brother.

What gives you and DH the right to demand who other adults like and spend their time with?
Yes they should be loyal to their son and brother but it appears if that loyalty includes you they are not bothered. Sorry.

Let them get on with it and enjoy your own Christmas. If they ask why you won't visit tell them that it won't happen when exw is their as it is uncomfortable for you and DH.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 09:51

I think that's great of them.

She's the mother of their children, there will always be a connection.

Of SILmreally has a photo of them to make you feel unwelcome then that's awful.
But the rest? That's great! A good relationship between her and his family will be very beneficial for their children and everybody involved.

JigglyTuff · 31/12/2016 09:51

Why should the DH stand by his wife if this is all about petty jealousy?

It's great that the families still get along. Just because they are divorced doesn't mean they have to exclude her.

What's so horrible about the ex?

1horatio · 31/12/2016 09:54

In my family it's normal for the exes to be there at Christmas?
There's a reason you got married in the first place, isn't it? And my aunt's ex and his wife are the godparent of her daughter. So....

I understand that you should be given a chance. But this chance doesn't have to mean the ExW can't be included. She's family!

And anyhow, I suspect this is best for the children. Which should be a priority for their family anyway.

My ex was part of my wedding party. OH was fine with that. Be an adult and stop having a tantrum.

HerBluebiro · 31/12/2016 09:56

I had ex BIL and my nieces over for Christmas. Or my mum and dad have us all over. And even on years the neices are with their mum (my sister) we had ex BIL over. When nieces grew up they spent time with their partners.

I like bil. Dsis behaved so abominably when invited to things same time as bil. That we don't invite her any more. I like bil. I knew him for over 20 years. I don't like sis. I have no feelings on her new partner. It is not a slight to him.

Families able motions are complicated. And blood is not always thicker than water

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 09:56

Would he drop friends because his sister doesnt like them?
The sister knows that her brothers relationship with this woman broke down to the point in which they divorced. In those circumstances it's not unreasonable to expect her to trust her brothers judgement that it was the right thing to do?

Families who maintain or develop close relationships with ex-inlaws are sending a very clear message that their relationship with the exinlaw is more important to them than the family member.
It's not unreasonable for that to cause hurt and upset.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 09:59

new

Families who maintain or develop close relationships with ex-inlaws are sending a very clear message that their relationship with the exinlaw is more important to them than the family member.

I disagree. I think they my just be saying: look, we support you and want what's best for you. But we've opened our arms to you ex and made him/her part of our family....

And family is permanent. That's how I see it, at least.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:00

What's so horrible about the ex?

the OPs DH is divorced from her. That should be an indication to the family that whatever THEY think of her, it's not shared by her exDH, their own family member, who knows her better than they do, who could no longer remain married to her.

It's about trusting families judgement. Fine if you don't want to, but don't pretend it's not an insult to the family member concerned.

TheLegendOfBeans · 31/12/2016 10:01

I know, some people live in a parallel universe on here, amongst my friends this would not be acceptable and most people would not be happy with this, only on Mumsnet people like to be obtuse

Aeroflot nails it again.

Whilst it's difficult being the "second wife" the GPs in this equation (and especially the SIL) are being unfair to the point of risking alienating their DS (the OPs DH).

So OP, YAdefinitelyNBU. I would be hurt by this, no matter how much "it's for the kids" it is.

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