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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 31/12/2016 10:54

I'm in a similar situation.

Even though it was ex-w who did the cheating and chucked dh out, his family still see her, maintain a more than civil relationship, even with her now OH.

In my case, it's a combination. Ex-w likes it and goes out of her way to keep the relationship, as a) free, unlimited childcare, and b) i think she feels if everyone is still talking to her, her treatment of dh wasn't that bad, iyswim it was really shitty, including emptying all their joint accounts

From the il's point of view they are very old fashioned, and see childcare and wifework as very much the woman's job. They have openly said that the OM can't be expected to be left on his own with the kids, or do anything dor them, so I think they see her as some poor single mother who has to do everything herself. Even though they know she was having an affair, and took dh in when she kicked him out, they still can't seem to see behind the stereotype of DH leaving and her being "left with the kids"
she wouldn't let dh be rp, which he wanted

So they help her out, have her round for dinner, talk about what she's up to, call me by her name accidentally. So I don't go any more.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 10:57

Why should somebody blindly follow your judgement just because you are family?

It's about trust - who do you trust more, your family member, or the person your family member says has hurt them?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 10:57

Blocking someone on social media is controlling them?...On the glue much?

I have always found this MN term pathetic.

He blocked her because she had pictures of the ex on her fb it says so in the OP so yes he is trying to control what she puts on there because if she didn't he would not have blocked her.

In fact he and the OP are trying to control how the family conduct their lives and who they like. I find that behaviour very strange and a little worrying.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:00

It's about trust - who do you trust more, your family member, or the person your family member says has hurt them?

So if the DH was the one to hurt the ex would you expect his family to disown him as he hurt somebody they loved and is family?

It appears this is not a new arrangement and was happening before the OP came on the scene which the son was clearly ok with until new wife threw a strop.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 31/12/2016 11:02

Again how is blocking someone controlling them? Limiting what he sees on his facebook doesnt control anyone else, heres another pathetic MN saying for you Racoon you need a to get a grip, halfords have a sale on right now

1horatio · 31/12/2016 11:02

New

who do you trust more, your family member, or the person your family member says has hurt them? well, did he say that she hurt him?

Yes, I would trust my siblings to tell me the truth. But I wouldn't just assume. And unless the breakup involved something truly horrific they'd still be present for the extended family celebrations. But that's just how it is in our family and I do see why it's a bit weird...

As for blocking somebody on social media... well, I don't put pictures of myself on facebook. But if I remember correctly there is this thing you can click where you don't block people but their pictures and updates just aren't mentioned in your newsfeed?
So, if it was just about not seeing the pictures... he didn't need to block her for that? So yes, that sounds v controlling.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 11:02

so yes he is trying to control what she puts on there because if she didn't he would not have blocked her.

An alternative way of looking at it is that he's protecting himself from images that upset him.

Just like my choice not to have anything to do with my parents, because they are friends with my exH, protects me from the hurt that causes.

It's not controlling. I didn't threaten them. I didn't demand they ended their friendship. I just made it clear that if it continued, I would protect myself from that hurt.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 11:03

So much projecting on this thread! How about looking at what the op says?

1horatio · 31/12/2016 11:03

Not necessarily just that he blocked her. But that he's 'fucked off with it' and that sh doesn't go to SIL's house because of a photo (apparently)

That does sound controlling and unreasonable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/12/2016 11:04

Fascinating exercise in people's inability to read details.

From the OP:
her DH and his ex split TEN years ago
she has been with her DH SEVEN years and married to him for TWO.

Not much chance of her being the OW then, really, is there.

SIL prefers the exW. No Fault has been given, sometimes there isn't any, it's just what happens. But SIL prefers the exW. She's made it plain, she's made it clear that the OP isn't welcome in her house.

How many people, genuinely, will continue to go somewhere they feel unwelcome and uncomfortable? It's not about being a "grown up" - it's about being accepted and being treated as a human being, not as an unwelcome carbuncle on the OP's DH. SIL obviously has trouble with this. And clearly, her DH doesn't want to be in the same place as his exW, for whatever reason.

Weird reactions from some on here.

80sWaistcoat · 31/12/2016 11:06

I must live in a parallel universe. DH's Ex is there at Christmas, comes round genre for tea with the kids and went away with DH to the kids' graduations ((overnight trip). She gets on great with the ex ILs and goes round there for tea with the kids with or without us.

She is at family weddings, parties etc. She was a huge part of their life, why would they cut her out? They've also been v welcoming to me, which I suppose is the difference withOP.

Meeep · 31/12/2016 11:09

To me, if SIL and EW were great friends, maybe had kids the same age, lots of memories together - I wouldn't think it was awful for them to stay in touch, put photos on Facebook of their days out, have Christmas together to let the DC have as much family round them as possible.

Yes I would probably feel pushed out and as if it was taking away my chance of making a strong relationship with my SIL myself, and I'd be sad, but I would accept it - that's what happens in second marriages, you often get loads of background rubbish to deal with in addition to the usual stuff.
You've got to make do and get on with things, it's not going to be perfect.

SIL not liking you might have nothing to do with the EW. Maybe she wouldn't have liked you anyway? Some people won't like you, that's life - so leave them to the side and focus on the people who do!

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:10

Racoon you need a to get a grip, halfords have a sale on right now

Oh god your so hilarious and witty.........anymore MN sayings on your list you want to roll out? Hmm

I am embarrassed for you right now.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 31/12/2016 11:14

Are you? Aww bless how sweet of you, now do fuck off theres a dear Hmm

TheWoodlander · 31/12/2016 11:14

They've also been v welcoming to me, which I suppose is the difference withOP.

Exactly. OP doesn't give many details, but I think it's the not accepting her, rather than the staying friends with the ex which is upsetting. And SINBU in that.

I mean, there's staying in touch with, and on good terms with the ex - which is fine - but then there's making the new partner feel completely unwelcome, and seeming to take sides against your own son/brother or whoever - definitely not fine. Well, not without very good reason anyway.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:14

And there's another one. Well done you.

llangennith · 31/12/2016 11:15

This is about the PIL wanting to maintain contact with the grandchildren and doing all they can to keep in with the exDIL, whom they seem to like anyway.
There is no excuse for the PIL and SIL to exclude you.
You DH feels his sister has taken his exW's side over him because she wants her DC to continue having a relationship with their cousins.
Perhaps your DH needs to build a few bridges and move on.

LostSight · 31/12/2016 11:15

I assumed this was going on for the last 10...? And has only become an issue now?

I couldn't tell, horatio, from the OP, whether this is a new problem, or something the OP has been getting more pissed off with over the years and has just chosen to vent now. i really commented, because to me it is impossible to judge who is being unreasonable without lots of background information.

I have seen people who are horrible to their blood relatives, usually because their families are dysfunctional. But I've also come across people online, who are absurdly possessive and so insecure, they can't cope with the fact their DP has an ongoing relationship with the parent of their children. I can't tell from the OP, whether we have one of these scenarios, or something in between. I would like more information.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 11:18

I would like more information.

That would probably be the best. I simply based my answers on what the OP wrote. But I think there's always a certain amount of interpretation and assumption involved.

LeninaCrowne · 31/12/2016 11:18

Roll on a few years when the PIL need assistance as they are old and frail. Will the ex-DIL be rushing to help them?

liletsthepink · 31/12/2016 11:21

Op, YANBU

The problem here is that SIL has made you feel unwelcome and made it clear that she doesn't like you. Nobody would want to visit people who made it clear that they weren't welcome.

There's been quite a few strange posts on this thread but your DH is justified in feeling hurt that his family have treated you with so little respect.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 11:22

This is about the PIL wanting to maintain contact with the grandchildren and doing all they can to keep in with the exDIL,

There is nothing to suggest the DCs father wouldn't maintain that relationship.

What does it say about a mother if her DCs relationship with their DGparents is dependent on her own?

laureywilliams · 31/12/2016 11:22

So are you both invited at Christmas etc or just her? What do you and your dh do? Does he go without you?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:22

Roll on a few years when the PIL need assistance as they are old and frail. Will the ex-DIL be rushing to help them?

Christ that's spiteful.

Not all x wives are cunts.

I supported my exfil last year when he was dying of cancer. I was one of the people in the room when he passed. I supported my exmil to arrange the funeral. I may have divorced their son but I did not divorce them.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 11:26

Op situation is not the case, where everybody gets on. SIL does not like op for whatever reason, makes it obvious, no its not just because of a photo Hmm. Therefore op has every right to to spend New Years or anytime with somebody who does not like her, who would! Op dh quite rightly is supporting his wife, they know the bigger picture not these armchair theorists on here.

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