Fucking ex-wife and PIL

[FedUpBird]

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

Mine first flew unaccompanied when they were age 5 and 7, I put them on a plane at one end, ex H collected them at the other. Just look up unaccompanied minors, it's not difficult!

spniel

That only works if thI children actually want to do that... they're teens.

I love how this is everyone else's fault bar his.

You two would rather put his pension and earnings first before swapping to a role that allowed him to be with his children more.

Is it any wonder the ex is cross? She been left with the bulk of the parenting whilst her ex doesn't have to worry about childcare or parenting them.

EW won't move on and is still clinging to her and DH's past...this is what I find weird

No she isnt. These people are part of her life right now

That's finished now spaniel BA no longer do it and the kids wouldn't fly by themselves anyway and their mother wouldn't let them either...so mute point really.

Like I said before IABU and just need to suck it up and accept this weirdness as part and parcel but will find it funny when she drops his parents like hot rocks when she eventually finds a new partner

He isn't being criticised on here because he's a man who has a second family.

Your third paragraph is shocking. He's blocked SIL for picking up HIS slack and making sure that his kids get happy family time? He should be grateful that she is looking out for the kids yet he "had it out with her"? Do you think that it contributes to the frosty relationship?

If you read stories about people who have gone on to live in a different country to their family and friends, you'd find out that the person who emigrated usually has to make the greater effort to maintain old relations as they are the ones who left. If you want to be close to SIL and PIL, as the ones who moved away, you and your h need to be making the effort to travel regularly and keep them in the loop. You guys really should be grateful that SIL/PIL are spending time with the older 2 when he can not.

If your h had a job in the same country maybe things would be different. He could be the one facilitating the children's contact with PIL/SIL and spending time with them regularly so that they got to know you and your kids. Is the photo really there to keep you away or do you think that SIL and EW have spent some good times together and that the photo is a reminder of that? There's a lot of posts on here about ILs getting the balance between the family who live abroad and the family who live locally wrong. Did your h regularly see SIL/PIL when he lived in the same country? Was there hard feelings when he left?

It is mot weirdness. They are her family and have been there for her and the children when dad has not been.

As for dumping them uf she finds a new relationship I would say do not judge others by yours and your husbands actions

Wow OP you have been given a hard time.

I think it is unreasonable to think the military is like a normal job, it really isn't. I also think it is unreasonable to suggest the OP's DH simply leaves his 'job'. The military is more than a job, it's a lifestyle with massive financial implications some posters fail to comprehend. Ignore these posters. It's really easy to give advice and criticise when it's not your life.

However, the ex wife made a decision to marry military with all the long term implications for divorce and possible death in service. She knows the score and is playing the game. To pretend otherwise is dishonest.

The only advice is for DH to keep putting himself out there and keep trying to build relationships. The DC will make their own decisions. It might be they don't realise how difficult it was for their dad until they are a lot older.

In terms of his family. They have made their decision. You can argue and look petty or you can rise above it. This is a long game you are playing. You want to be the one still in a relationship, with happy DCs and some form of relationship with the in laws in years to come. I think the happier you are the more pissed off she will be. Win by being happy.

Its weird.

So only the OPs DC deserve happiness then Bit not his other 2 children nice

Military life is what you make it and frankly he does not and never did need to continue a job which meant his first 2 children lost out.
Being in the forces is not an excuse to be a shit parent.

So much spite for the women who because the other parent choose himself over his children she has had to raise those kids without him. That is not because of the army that is because of him.

Bitofacow finally someone who understands, hopefully the kids will see how it was when they're old enough to understand. The Facebook rants, the cancelled flights, the not letting them go on holiday with us even before the other kids came along. We will be there when they make the decision to come to us and welcome them with open arms, although they are my step children I have never treated them any different to the other children we have

The kids are loyal to their mother which is completely understandable however she uses emotional blackmail all the time on the kids, it's them that suffer at the end of the day.

Yes Fed just you focus on those few posts that blame everyone else and ignore the fact that your perfect poor hard done by DH has brought this situation on himself by not putting his children first.

I can see why his family are reluctant to spend time with you tbh.

Any you will refuse to think he is anything other than father of the year so I will leave you to it.

Let's hope you don't end up the ex one day and become a frustrated real single mother who has to deal with the fall out of your children's father putting them at the bottom of his list,

Of course you've treated them differently to your own, yours get to see him whenever he has leave and are in the same country! To pretend the odd visit and talk by Skype is the same is ludicrous. Yours also benefit from his salary etc.

Is it little wonder they are loyal to their mum, she stuck around when he left and is there for everything. It's her that takes them to school, activities, feeds them, looks after them when they are sick.

I think you have very rose tinted glasses on if you think they will see it differently when they are older. If anything it will be even worse, you've quite clearly said he's working for the high salary and pension so could have traded those for time with his children but chose not too. That sends a very straight forward message to them, that money and his career were more important.

Racoon "So only the OPs DC deserve happiness then Bit not his other 2 children nice"

I did not say this or imply this. It is unpleasant and disingenuous of you to write this. I fail to comprehend why you would choose to misunderstand and suggest I was being unkind.

I said the OP and her DH want "happy DCs" I meant ALL of the DC. I suggest the father keeps trying to build relationships with his DC. I suggest the OP tries to be happy.

Racoon, perhaps you should choose to be happy rather than jump to unpleasant and uncalled for conclusions.

OP - you can only do your best. Be happy and welcoming to all your DCs and they will know the truth. Good luck.

See I had a job I could manage when two of us were there to juggle childcare and then when two became one in the non romantic sense I had to retrain because my career just didn't work any more with single parenting. Given that the man in this scenario has a new partner he hadn't even got that to contend with and its still too much trouble. It really does leave one speechless in this day and age.

Don't want to derail but...

It's not a ' job' it's the military - totally, totally different than a 'job'. No wonder members of the armed forces feel like the public don't understand the sacrifices they make. Based on this thread some members of the public are clueless about what is involved.

You call me unpleasant.

Well I think this I think the happier you are the more pissed off she will be. Win by being happy. makes you spiteful.
You talk about winning like this is a sick competition.

This fucking ex has cared for those children everyday of their life. Every sickness, every school play and parents evening, every friendship fall out and every birthday party while dad has put money, his career and 2 new children first. Yes you are right the children will see the truth the older they get and they will realise dad did none of those things oh but he did Skype

But if I had a family a job is exactly what is want to see them. I have a huge amount of respect for military personnel and the sacrifices they make. But is it fair on any of the families and worth it, I doubt it in the long run.

As a forces brat I fully understand military life Bit and the military don't own you, you can just leave like you can leave any other job.

My dad was a fantastic father and a soldier so don't use the army as an excuse to be a shit parent.

"You call me unpleasant." I said it was unpleasant to write this. That is different than calling people names as in "that makes you spiteful".

Newbrummie All military parents make sacrifices. If we want a military we are complicit. To criticise the OP and her DH for sacrifices society asks him to make is very harsh.

Is it worth it is a different question.

Your comment about weirdness and her dumping the ILs show that you are only listening to those who agree with you.

Your ILs/SIL aren't close to you because of your h's behaviour. They would probably be closer if your h was able to invest more time in his relationship with them and his older kids. By default they would know you better and be spending less time with the EW as your h could bring the kids to them.
A normal loving father would have sorted out the contact issues in court before having 2 more kids. (This bit is unacceptable behaviour by the ex)
A single parent having a rant about the absent non-resident parent is understandable. Not ideal in light of the kids being old enough for social media but can't you sympathize? Your h only does a small percentage of parenting and as a parent of teens I can tell you that there are plenty of worries to be had.

I imagine the ex has had to make plenty of sacrifices too- lack of career progression, not much free time or social life, juggling childcare, work etc. She will have had to alter her lifestyle post divorce. Why is Dad exempt from doing the same just because he is in the forces? He has continued to treat his ex as the default to pick up his slack despite them not being together anymore. His decisions have massively affected her life and opportunities.

Bitofacow - the respect goes both ways. The dad should be grateful that EW/PIL/SIL are looking after the older children while he is away. He couldn't do his job without the support from them too.

But you know this is what's involved when you marry into forces, the sacrifices and such are part of the lifestyle

Bitofacow. I'm ok without a military. But that's a different debate too.

I don't think it's a lifestyle conducive to family life without massive effort on both parties and massive sacrifice.