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Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
SomethingLikeFlying · 01/01/2017 10:50

He can also leave the military if his children meant so much to him. He is choosing not to.

Then he will be out of a job.

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 10:50

No more than you Granny

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 10:52

No Something he does not need to be out of a job. He can leave the forces go through the resettlement period and look for another job.
Just like everyone else does when they change jobs to suit the needs of their family or to change careers.

stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 10:55

It is the fact of not being in the country and yet still moaning about the rest of the family staying close that is annoying. Even if you think he is a self sacrificing hero who has no choice put to be away from his kids for months at a time surely he then doesn't also get to dictate the relationships his ex has with the ex ILs. His choices have laid the burden of childcare solely on their mother. He doesn't then get to bitch that she takes all the help and support she can get.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 10:56

Raccoon you really don't understand about the military life, have you experienced it? If you have then you can comment. If he was to leave now his pension would be rubbish and all the years he's done would be for nothing.

We have been in a different country for the last 2 years, for all the other years we have seen the kids as much as we can however his EW has made it very difficult and his PIL have enabled this behaviour by keeping her onside.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 11:00

How often is he available to see the kids now? 2 years is a long time in the life of a child and it is possible that the reluctance to visit is coming from them.

eyebrowsonfleek · 01/01/2017 11:03

Lots of woman go part-time after having a child. Although the number of men changing their jobs may less, many will be taking advantage of laws to promote flexible working and having a better home-work balance. It wouldn't surprise me if there were men in the military delaying parenthood to a time when they didn't have to be away for long periods.

Parents who can't be there regularly for their kids for whatever reason (hospital stays, prison, military...) should be thankful that other adults are looking after their children in their physical absence.We don't know the situation between EW and her parents. She could be an orphan or have parents living overseas for all we know. If OP's H wants to be the one to take his children to PIL/SIL's house then he needs to be physically available to do so more than once every 6 months. That means a job change. I am not an expert by any means but there may be roles with different travel requirements within the military or other organisations

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 11:04

Very possible Stitch. His kids are teens so they have their own views, we FaceTime about 4 times a week but have to FT when his EW isn't there as the kids are different and guarded when she's there and they have to be careful what they say.

It's a sad situation for everyone really especially the kids, yes he's Forces and the kids understand this and we have said that they are very welcome here (even have wardrobes full of clothes and their own rooms) we fly to get them (when she doesn't cancel of course)

OP posts:
SomethingLikeFlying · 01/01/2017 11:04

He's been in the military since he was with his ex and she had children with him, in the knowledge of what his job could entail eg living abroad/working away for months at a time. They may not have thought they would have split up, but it's a possibility in any relationship.
It's not like they divorced and he lived 5 minutes away, and then 2 years later joined the military and went to live abroad.
This was always a possibility and his ex knew it.

stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 11:07

Yes his ex knew and had kids with him but presumably on his downtime he would come home and muck in caring for the kids. And had he needed to move abroad she would have gone too. Now on his time off he goes to the home he has with the OP and cares for his new kids. She has no doubt had to make sacrifices and lifestyle changes after divorce, why shouldn't he?

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 11:08

Exactly something it's just a stick that the EW (and MN it seems) uses to beat him with.

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 01/01/2017 11:10

EW won't move on- what does this mean?

If you mean you want her to have a new partner then forget that- many divorced women don't date for a myriad of reasons.

Continuity is good for the children. If they were seeing PIL/SIL frequently then it is mature and positive that the children can continue to do so. Seeing the kids and cutting out the mum is mean- especially if the mum doesn't have anyone she can offload her stresses about her miltary ex.

PIL/SIL making you feel unwelcome- is this just you not knowing them very well because your visits are infrequent? If there are aware of your feelings for EW then this isn't going to enamour you to them. (especially if you say stuff like I feel like a single mum when he's away!!)

SomethingLikeFlying · 01/01/2017 11:11

stitch Wouldn't it be nice for him to come and pick his children up and take them over to where he lives so they can be part of that family and home? Rather than just seeing them at his parent's/at his ex's.

stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 11:19

Yes it would be nice if the kids wanted that, maybe they don't. They are teenagers and entitled to their own feelings about the situation. They probably like being at home with their mates and their Mum. Having to take a flight to see their other parent, who they have barely seen for 2 years, probably feels like a lot of hassle to them. Yes he is in the military but that doesn't mean he is exempt from the consequences of decisions he has made. One of the consequences of continuing in such a challenging role, plus having 2 more kids, is that he isn't going to be as close to his older children.

NewNNfor2017 · 01/01/2017 11:38

We have been in a different country for the last 2 years, for all the other years we have seen the kids as much as we can however his EW has made it very difficult

Which brings us back to your DHs lack of action and your assertion that it can't go back to court.

I know enough about military service to know that if your DHs ex was as obstructive as you claim she's been over the last 7/10 years, he would have had s great deal of support through family court.
He's lost his chance now - the DCs are teens and get their own say.

He, and you, have been blinkered in your role as victims and can't see how you've let those DCs down.

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 11:41

Yes Fed I have extensive knowledge of military life hence why I know a change in job role and posting is not impossible.

Also he has put his career before his children. That is a choice he has made and he does not have the right to moan when the family he has willingly left behind continues to get on with their lives and build relationships that they are happy and comfortable with.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/01/2017 11:42

OP has just said that they fly to get his older kids when they can, when the mother doesn't create problems for them leaving the country!

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 11:44

Exactly something it's just a stick that the EW (and MN it seems) uses to beat him with.

Bollocks.
His military service is just an excuse the stick he is being beaten with is the shit dad stick.

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 11:46

So why doesn't he go to court to get it sorted Thumb?

OP has I think only mentioned 1 incident where mum booked a dental appointment. Would you as a parent just take a step back "oh well that's it then. No point in putting in any effort to see my kids" Or would you do all you could to ensure that the ex has to stick to contact arrangements or risk going back to court?

grannytomine · 01/01/2017 11:57

Yes and if she comes back and gives other examples she will be accused of dripfeeding. OP you can't win.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 11:57

The expense and general inaptitude of court is what it boils down to Racoon, say we were to win. Then he flies to get DC and she won't let them go (hiding passports etc) what does he do then? Involve the police? Would you really want the children to see this? I think this is horrendous and not something that the kids should be subjected to.

And before you jump in the expense part...we don't have pots of money to throw at this...I work too and with flights and travelling it adds up especially when she cancels and that money: sometimes hundreds of pounds is wasted.

I'm beginning to think you're the EW

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 11:58

Why does it have to involve his teenage kids flying to a different country? Why doesn't he fly to their country and spend a few days with them? How many adults post on here about how they want to spend xmas in their own homes, not being dragged visiting? Maybe his kids feel the same but it is easier to blame the ex than acknowledge his own choices have impacted upon his relationship with them.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:00

Because, stitch, we would like to be a blended family and don't want to live in someone else's home when we have a perfectly good home with lots of room in our country. The other kids don't get to see their older siblings either

OP posts:
spanieleyes · 01/01/2017 12:01

They are teenagers, no one needs to fly anywhere for them, they can fly on their own!

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:02

Spaniel not quite old enough

OP posts:
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