Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 12:05

'We would like to be a blended family'

Tbh it sounds like that ship has sailed. It isn't all about what you want. Are you saying that if they don't want to go abroad he will choose not to see them at all, rather than spend time with them in their own country?

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:05

More excuses Fed

Nothing would stop me seeing my children and as pp said what was stopping him going to their country to see them?

You and he want the easy life.
You put no effort in to spending time with his family yet you expect everyone to do it all for you and put all the effort in to giving you the relationships you think you deserve.

Maybe he should have thought about the costs of having a decent relationship with his first 2 kids before he went to the expense of having 2 more. Seems money was only a problem when it comes to paying court fees not for raising 2 more kids.

I don't believe mum withholding contact is right but I am not so sure as a mum just how happy I would be for my DC to go to another country and be with people they barely know and who have rarely bothered to be a parent to them.

1horatio · 01/01/2017 12:08

Fed

I'm thinking of finding new work because I think most weekends and most evenings aren't enough time with DD.

So, idk, I just don't have a whole lot of sympathy. Did he even try to find other work? Something closer to home?

stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 12:15

It does just seem that you want everything on your own terms. He wanted his career to be unaffected by his divorce but still expects his kids to travel abroad and be a blended family when it suits him regardless of how they feel, lack of contact and whatever they have going on in their own lives. He wants his ex to take on the sole burden of childcare yet not remain close to his family who provide support. He expects to live in a different country yet have control over the relationships between people left behind. You expect to live in a different country and then complain that the ILs aren't as close to you and your kids.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:16

Would you go somewhere where you felt unwelcome? He has taken the kids to in-laws when he was in their country. He's gone there with and without me, he's even stayed at a hotel in the kids town just so he could see them.

You seem hell bent on saying he's a bad dad but he's really not. Always on MN the dad is the villain cause he divorced a woman he wasn't happy with.

The advice trotted out in here is LTB if you're not happy.

Whoever said I can't do right for doing wrong was spot on...

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:19

He is not a bad dad for getting a divorce.

He is a bad dad because of not prioratizing the needs of his children then moaning when the family he has left behind get on with their own lives.

He has chosen a military career the children didn't.

1horatio · 01/01/2017 12:22

And yes, I do go somewhere I'm not welcome.

I go to MIL's house because I believe DD should have a relationship with her and that side of the family.

He doesn't sound awful..but it seems obvious to me that his children (or at least the children from his first wife) aren't a priority to him.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:24

So what would is he supposed to do, take a job with a lot less money so he probably wouldn't be able to afford rent and bills and only minimum maintenance. Forces pay very little accommodation charges and no bills. He travelled every other weekend to get them sometimes she'd let him have them other times not.

It was ok for her to take them out of school so she could go to a hen weekend but not so they could see their dad after returning from Afghan?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 12:25

I would go wherever I had to in order to spend time with my kids if I saw them as little as your DH does. My feelings wouldn't even come into it. It is all very well saying he is the villain because he is the Dad. How many mothers don't see their kids for months at a time? Would you go without seeing your kids for that long? I doubt it.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:26

His relationship with his oldest DC has slowly been eroded by her behaviour and that of PIL enabling this behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:27

Yes I have done because of my job too, military kids understand and adapt quite well

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 12:27

You don't think your husband's own choices have had any impact upon his relationship with his eldest? Really?

1horatio · 01/01/2017 12:27

No, in a perfect universe going to see them every 2nd weekend should have worked.

But he knew that his exW was apparently being very obstructionist and still accepted a job in an other country, didn't he?

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:27

Yes Fed because only the military pay a decent wage the rest of us in normal jobs live in tents as we can't afford rent Hmm

In 10 years he has never asked or applied for a different role/promotion\uk posting? Really?

I am sure his children will be happy that their childhood relationship with dad was sacrificed so you and he can have a comfortable pension.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:29

He was made to go abroad

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/01/2017 12:30

But his first kids aren't really military kids now are they. They don't get to live with him during his time off, or move with him for his job. They are just 2 kids left in another country by a parent who barely sees them. And if they aren't willing to perform their role in the blended family he won't bother seeing them because he feels 'uncomfortable.'

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:31

His relationship with his oldest DC has slowly been eroded by her behaviour and that of PIL enabling this behaviour

No it has eroded because he was not there to parent them and be a significant part of their life.

I was a forces brat and I adapted because I had to not because I wanted to. The years spent never building long term friendships and always moving around were difficult and when dad left and we did not have to move ever again we has a family we're much happier.

Do not try and pretend his children are happy and understanding of his job. It's just that they have no choice.

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:33

He was made to go abroad

Yes he probably was the first time but after that why did he not change roles or request uk postings due to family issues?
The military are very accommodating where children are concerned.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:34

What do you mean the first time? This is his only posting abroad the other times were op tours and exercises.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpBird · 01/01/2017 12:35

Ha ha military being accommodating to families

OP posts:
1horatio · 01/01/2017 12:35

But his first kids aren't really military kids now are they. They don't get to live with him during his time off, or move with him for his job. They are just 2 kids left in another country by a parent who barely sees them. And if they aren't willing to perform their role in the blended family he won't bother seeing them because he feels 'uncomfortable.

Exactly. his ex-w may have been ok with being a military wife and accept that life for their children.

But this isn't what happened, and it seems like your husband wants everything to go like he imagined it and didn't consider the people (his first DC) that would get hurt.

My father also said my mother was being obstructionist. When all she did was listen to me and stand up for me when I refused to go to a different city to spend time with him and it's girlfriend.

NewNNfor2017 · 01/01/2017 12:36

It was ok for her to take them out of school so she could go to a hen weekend but not so they could see their dad after returning from Afghan?

What did your DH do about that? What relationship does he have with their school, for instance? They would probably have facilitated a reunion on school premises if Mum was blocking any kind of school absence.

stoopido · 01/01/2017 12:38

They probably do it more because they know it irritates you. I would go and show just how happy and in love we were and hopefully make her feel like a spare part. I find it absolutely fine to still be friends with family members exes but I wouldn't go out of my way to make people in my family uncomfortable by inviting them to family events where it might all become quite awkward.

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:39

Ha ha military being accommodating to families

Ahhh so it is the military's fault now as well then.

So far it is
The exes fault
Sister in laws fault
Parents in laws fault
And not the military's fault

When will you look closer to home and see that your husband chose this career and has not bothered to address his role in the forces to enable him to be a parent or even left the army to prioritise his first children?

RacoonBandit · 01/01/2017 12:40

And now the military's fault it should say.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread