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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

188 replies

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 04:59

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

OP posts:
IhatchedaSnorlax · 31/12/2016 12:25

Sorry Op but I think YABU. How she said it might not have been very tactful but its entirely her prerogative to go to the grave or not, regardless of what you want.

NothingIsOK · 31/12/2016 12:33

It's a shame she used that particular phrase, which is a hurtful way to express the not wanting to go. I don't think you would be unreasonable to address that with her and mention that it was a painful thing to you to hear her say she couldn't be bothered, especially as that's probably not what she really meant.

I've been through this from the compelled visit point of view. It's awful. I resisted as much as I could but the reproachful manner when I didn't go was unendurable so I usually found going along to be the lesser evil.

Blacksox · 31/12/2016 12:34

Sorry OP, but I think YABU.

You might find comfort at the graveside, your daughter might find it distressing/awkward/pointless - myriad reasons why she might not want to go.

It's a personal thing and I think you should respect that.

WonderWombat · 31/12/2016 12:35

I think there's a difference between being supportive immediately after bereavement. Making cups of tea, taking on additional chores, offering a listening ear - and being supportive for years and years afterwards on anniversaries that may be signficant for one person but not the other.

There are also tensions in families when different people are bereaved, but react in different ways and at different times. As others have pointed out.

It is worth remembering that we get angry with the dead for dying. But that emotion can be deflected onto the living.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 31/12/2016 13:08

My children visit my mothers grave at christmas, easter, mothers day, her birthday and the anniversary of her death

I absolutely expect it

However...they have been doing this since they were tiny it feels perfectly natural for them

You are not being unreasonable to be upset about this, i would be

But i agree with some others that you should probably let it go

Visiting graves , as others have said, is very personal

I am sorry

GuinefortGrey · 31/12/2016 13:14

YANBU to feel very upset Flowers. I would too, even though I do agree with PPs who have explained why your DD might have reacted as she did about the different people grieving in different ways, and teens putting up a barrier to protect themselves/not liking to see mum upset. My DDs lost their dad at a young age and they react in a similar way to any sign of me showing that I am upset/sad. To the extent that they will turn off the radio if sad songs come on. Regardless of "why", I think your DD was pretty heartless and selfish in the way she dismissed your suggestion and she could have been kinder to you Flowers

Poole5 · 31/12/2016 14:28

My mother in her sixties had to be pushed to see her sister who was dying in hospital. Apparently she didn't want to get too tired by visiting in the evening

Not exclusive to the younger entitled generation

threestars · 31/12/2016 14:40

yanbu. At all.

bruffin · 31/12/2016 14:41

I think it is the OP who lacks compassion not the DD. I lost my DM and DMIL in the last 2 years and cant go and visit graves as they are hundereds of miles away, I also have a dd 19 and ds 21 and would not expect them to go to graveyards to visit if i was closeby. I would just say going to visit the grave do you want to come, not nag them into coming. I know they adored their nans, they dont need to go to graveyards to prove it

Katy07 · 31/12/2016 14:44

I think there's a difference between being supportive immediately after bereavement. Making cups of tea, taking on additional chores, offering a listening ear - and being supportive for years and years afterwards on anniversaries that may be significant for one person but not the other.
^^ This, totally. The daughter was tactless, but she'd said no & that should have been enough but the OP continued & hence the daughter was put on the spot.

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 15:47

I don't think you're being unreasonable. She's 19. She should be sympathetic or socially aware enough to your grief that she would accompany you in your hour of need regardless of her own feelings on the matter. I personally would review the living arrangements at home - if she can't be bothered to join you at the church on your mums death anniversary then you should also stop bothering to do certain things for her.

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 15:49

I find it horrific that a 19 year old refused to accompany her grieving mum to her grans grave. At a similar age I would always accompany my dad to visit my grans funeral even though she died years previously (and still do) - this is about dd being selfish and inconsiderate and lazy. Not about her 'handling her grief differently'.

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 15:50

Grans memorial not funeral

Potnoodlewilld0 · 31/12/2016 15:55

Sheesh some posters twist things.

She wasn't nagging, she asked on one occasion. It was not unreasonable to ask.

bruffin · 31/12/2016 15:55

There are two people grieving and op had someone to accompany her. Dailyfail you obviously have no idea how people grieve differently. I am in exaxtly the same place as op losing my Dm Two years ago with a dd19 and think she is the one who is being insensitive

bruffin · 31/12/2016 15:56

Op is being insensitive.

ohthelidcameafftheroses · 31/12/2016 16:38

I dont think anyone should be criticized for not wanting to visit a grave. I dont get anything out of visiting my parents grave and rarely go. I still miss them a lot though. I think it should be up to the individual person themselves to decide how they grieve

Original poster
Luce14 · 31/12/2016 17:04

Some of you have really missed the point. I didn't ask if I'm being unreasonable to think she should come to her grave, I don't think she should have to go, but at 19, there is no reason she couldn't have said "mum, I'd really rather not come, sorry" and I didn't ask her and she said no once, she said she was in the middle of watching a film, so that's why I said we could go after. The reason I said about my her grandmother doing a lot for her was because my mum always asked us if we would still come and visit her at her grave and we all said of course, my mum really wanted that.

I'm not saying you have to attend people's graves. I don't know why people are replying with that, I clearly said the comment upset me about her 'not being bothered'. I don't get why people are being spiteful about my beliefs? Confused there is no need.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 31/12/2016 17:08

Neither do I Luce, I sometimes wonder if I live in the same world as some of the people on this thread. I don't know if they just haven't read the thread or are just looking for an opportunity to have a pop for any reason.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I'm sorry about your mum. It's hard isn't it.

SnatchedPencil · 31/12/2016 17:11

I think you're being unreasonable. People handle grief in different ways. Perhaps your daughter couldn't cope with the idea of being forced to confront it again. I understand why it is important to you but it does not mean that your daughter necessarily has to grieve in the same way and to the same timescale as you.

Your daughter may have been tactless but I don't think her behaviour is disrespectful to either you or the deceased. She just didn't want to grieve today, didn't want to go to a graveyard today, didn't want to be confronted by the sadness of the situation again today.

FixItUpChappie · 31/12/2016 17:11

I think some are just trying to lend a possible perspective on why she blew you off

WonderWombat · 31/12/2016 17:12

I'm sorry that the anniversary of your mother's death has left you feeling raw.

But I - along with quite a lot of other people - think it's how you treat people in this life that matters. So it is important that the sick are visited and the elderly are cared for.

However, to me, a request by an elderly relative that her grave should be visited regularly after her death would be a tough one. I'd see it partly as somebody being scared of the loneliness of dying and scared that she would no longer be able to control things. In such a situation I would be more inclined to say, 'You can be sure that we'll never forget you and we'll continue to think of you.' I think if you personally want to commit to grave-visiting that is okay. But others may feel they were somewhat pressured into promising something - and that as time goes by they no longer wish to feel bound by that promise.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 31/12/2016 17:14

Yep youre right i missed the point

SnatchedPencil · 31/12/2016 17:15

I don't think she should have to go, but at 19, there is no reason she couldn't have said "mum, I'd really rather not come, sorry"

I agree with you that she could have said that, but perhaps it hurts too much for her to admit that she didn't want to go. That she couldn't cope with going. Perhaps she didn't want to admit that to you, perhaps not to herself.

People look for the easiest way to get the result they want. She didn't want to go, it was easier for her to use the film excuse than for her to think about why she didn't want to go.

originalmavis · 31/12/2016 17:16

I would go with mum to visit dad and grandma (same graveyard, not too close together!). I went for her not for me. If I could've skipped the funerals I would have - they were dreadful but mums was more of a blur because she died suddenly.

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