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AIBU?

AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

188 replies

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 04:59

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

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GnomeDePlume · 31/12/2016 08:38

I agree with AmberEars, for most people the relationship between child and grand parent is very different from the relationship between child and parent.

The 'cant be bothered' comment may have been badly phrased but it may have been an easier thing to say than 'I dont want to go and I dont understand why it matters to you as I am not you and I am not feeling the pain you are feeling'.

LucyFuckingPevensie · 31/12/2016 08:44

Tbh, I think if you expected your dd to go because it was important to you, and because your mum did so much for her then I think you would have been upset what ever she said.
I agree with a op that she maybe found it too overwhelming to go, or maybe she just wants to remember her Nan in a different way.
Yanbu to be upset, but it's the sort of thing I would let go tbh.
She will have seen this exchange from a completely different point of view. I doubt she meant to hurt you.
So sorry for your loss

AmberEars · 31/12/2016 08:47

Steff surely that's true of almost every comment on this thread? None of us know how the OP's DD feels, but we're sharing our thoughts and opinions as they may give some insight.

ShebaShimmyShake · 31/12/2016 08:48

I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand why you're hurt. I can sort of see your daughter's point of view though. My father was always interrupting me when I was reading, relaxing, doing a hobby, whatever, and expecting me to drop whatever I was doing and immediately join him for his plans....even when they were highly emotive things that I simply had not prepared to face that day. He was a very melodramatic man and these things were so draining, especially when I wasn't prepared. And then of course I was responsible for his mood when I refused.

Your kids aren't responsible for your moods. Your daughter should have been more tactful, but 19 year olds aren't usually the greatest diplomats. Maybe in future ask in advance and actually have a plan. I know your mother's death day is unforgettable for you, but people might not recall a grandparent's death day so strongly.

luckylavender · 31/12/2016 08:57

Perhaps an insensitive way of expressing herself but some people just don't "do" graves. I know I don't. I feel they have little to do with the person I loved and lost. I don't need to visit a grave to remember the person.

MsJuniper · 31/12/2016 09:00

I can understand why you feel sad - I don't know whether its something you'd talked about doing in advance but if not then that might be something to think about next time.

My sister (as an adult) once said to my mum "it's only Grandma, it's not like a parent or something" - it was like she could not accept the situation as being equivalent to our mum dying for my mum. Breaktakingly thoughtless and tactless but sometimes adult children still can't see their parent as a separate human.

I would talk to her at a less emotive time and explain how you feel. I was very close to my grandparents and much prefer visiting or marking them on their birthdays as those are the days I remember celebrating and happy times. Perhaps you could agree to do that together. Much love to you.

cashmerethecat · 31/12/2016 09:11

Tbh I think YABU, she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. Her wording was somewhat insensitive though, she could have worded it to make it kinder. Maybe she doesn't feel grief in the same way?

Poole5 · 31/12/2016 09:17

YABU

Everybody feels grief differently

It could just be too depressing for her to go.

Goodythreeshoes · 31/12/2016 09:18

My siblings and I all agreed on a burial rather than cremation for my DM as she didn't specify her wishes. That was 8 years ago and I'm the only one of us that visits the grave on birthdays, anniversaries and so on.
And that's fine. I take comfort from visiting and they don't. It doesn't mean they loved her any less and I totally respect how they feel.
And I still miss her all the time.

LittleCandle · 31/12/2016 09:20

I think your DD was displaying a huge lack of compassion. I do not often go to my DM's grave, partly because I now live in a different place, but partly because I found it very difficult. I become very emotional when I am there. However, both my DDs have offered to come with me, even when they were still children.

It is nobody else's business why the OP wanted to go to the graveside, and I can quite see why she wanted someone else there for support. OP, I am glad your DS is not as thoughtless as your DD and a large number of the PPs on here. Whether or not you understand, the OP has every right to visit the grave and to expect some support from her DC. Everyone has the right to expect support from loved ones, regardless of how they feel about the situation. I might not feel as you feel, but that does not make your feelings invalid. As a compassionate human being, I will give you all the support I can which is more than can be said for many posters on here.

addstudentdinners2 · 31/12/2016 09:21

Yanbu. How horrible of them.

We all do things we don't want to for family members we love.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2016 09:26

Sorry, I think yabu. I don't see why your dd should have an obligation to visit a grave because her grandmother did lots for her when alive. A grave doesn't contain the real person and for this very reason, I want to be cremated. I don't want anyone being able to or having to 'visit' me when I'm gone! It shouldn't be an obligation for however many years after the passing of someone. Will you be going annually forever more?

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 09:34

I find going to my nanas grave very upsetting. Mum woildnt try snd force me to go.

What she said wasn't very nice, but i dint thibk she shoukd be forced to go either.

Iac113 · 31/12/2016 09:35

Never rely on adult children to meet your own needs because they will almost always let you down at some point.

I think her comments were insensitive but she is 19 so maybe doesn't have the maturity to have found a better way of explaining.

Had she said "actually mum, it really upset me last year and I would rather remember gran as she was than remind myself of her passing" then you may not have been so bothered by it.

Immturity can manifest itself as uncaring at times

Potnoodlewilld0 · 31/12/2016 09:39

She was eating a film it was no hardship to go along and support her mother.

Today people are obsessed with creating lazy selfish entitled young adults.

Sorry for your loss op

Namechangeemergency · 31/12/2016 09:39

Grief is very personal

Yes it is. So why dismiss other people's ways of grieving as mawkish and trying to prove something?

Very unkind. Particularly at a time of year when many people feel their losses even more keenly.

Its fine to not like something without being mean about it.

OP I am sorry about your mum. YANBU for feeling upset but YABU for trying to make DD go with you. Lots of people have already said why so I won't go on.

Try not to take it personally or as a measure of how little she cared for her GM.

deblet · 31/12/2016 09:48

I loathe graveyards and never visit graves its an awful thought that your loved one is under there. Thankfully all my recent family have been cremated. I don't blame your dd at all for not wanting to go but she could have been nicer to you. At least she was honest I suppose. Perhaps when you are calm you could have a chat to her and point out how hurt you were at her attitude.

NicknameUsed · 31/12/2016 09:49

"some people just don't "do" graves. I know I don't. I feel they have little to do with the person I loved and lost. I don't need to visit a grave to remember the person."

I will always remember my parents. I have photos of them and I always think of them on anniversaries and birthdays, but I don't visit the crematorium on the anniversaries of when they died. It is too far away and difficult to get to, and I have never felt the need to.

The daughter's comment was inappropriate, but I do get why she didn't want to go.

As an aside, and I hope this isn't a crass remark, but I thought most people were cremated these days. I don't know of any family member in OH's or my family who were buried.

Yoarchie · 31/12/2016 09:52

Depends whether she has form for thoughtless behaviour or not I think.

Cherryskypie · 31/12/2016 09:56

It was a thoughtless comment but I don't think you should expect them to accompany you to the grave. Grave visiting is not for everyone.

ETanny · 31/12/2016 09:56

My Dad is scattered under a tree in our local cemetery - which in the summer looks lovely and very welcoming. However in the winter it just looks bare and not very welcoming at all. One of my neices refuses to go visit during the winter as she doesn't like it because of how it looks.

If she doesn't want to go visit, that's her choice. I think it's a bit unfair you feel upset she didn't want to go. I'd never be upset if my children said they couldn't be bothered to go to my dad's resting place.

chocolateworshipper · 31/12/2016 09:57

YANBU to be upset by that comment. I have read that the part of the brain that controls empathy isn't fully formed until a person is in their 20s - perhaps this partly explains (but not excuses) her comment.

Very sorry for your loss

Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 10:05

To be honest there's so many reasons why she didn't want to go you'll never get resolve unless you speak to her about it. In a non confrontational way.

Did you visit your grandparents grave with your mum? Can you cast your mind back to your thoughts and feelings at the time?

I don't like graves so my sentiment is unhelpful to you. However do remember your daughter had a different relationship with different feelings and is a different person so don't get so hurt if you can. She probably meant no ill will whatsoever.

Finally when she has come before, how has she handled then? Do you get very upset? (She might not want to see that) do you have a partner who goes and supports you? You may get some answers there.

I'm very sorry for your loss & hope the visit was of comfort to you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/12/2016 10:09

Nothing like our children's careless remarks to make us wince occasionally.

I would talk to her at a less emotive time and explain how you feel.

I agree with this ^. I am sure she wasn't intending to hurt you.
In her own head her thought process might have been, 'I'd rather not because it will be a downer' and no more beyond that.
She may look back one day and cringe.
Unless she rolled her eyes or said something mean to her brother for agreeing to go - in which case that would be horrible.

WonderWombat · 31/12/2016 10:09

I am in the reverse situation. My grandmother who was my only grandparent died when I was 17. I was not allowed to go and see her in her final illness - as everybody was busy pretending she wasn't ill and I only overheard accidentally that she was not expected to live. The funeral was conducted with brisk efficiency. She was buried in a part of the country not especially near where I lived - so that she could be next to her husband. So I've never once seen her grave, and it was never suggested that this might be a place I might wish to visit.

Nonetheless I remember my grandmother frequently. Her grave will still be there if I decide that it is important to make that particular trip.

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