AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

[Luce14]

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

[RortyCrankle]

I think you are probably being a bit unreasonable. Firstly, i think grieving for a DM is very different from a GM. Your DD's feelings and emotions won't be the same as yours.

I'm the same as some others in that I have never visited a remembrance garden or grave for any of my relatives. They are no longer there, even if you believe in an afterlife, which I don't. Although your DD's reason for not joining you was not nice, it may be that it was easier for her to say that so as not to express her real thoughts and emotions.

You talk about not wanting a child who only wanted to think about themselves but isn't this what you're doing? You wanted her to go with you for your benefit, not for hers.

And don't forget where your loved ones really are - they are not in a graveyard but in your heart.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Who are we to tell someone how to grieve and how to act?

Parents, apparently.

[DotForShort]

YANBU. She "couldn't be bothered"? If she had thought long and hard about it, I doubt she could have come up with a more insensitive comment than that. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I hope she was being merely thoughtless rather than deliberately unkind.

I think it is perfectly fine to ask her to go with you and not unreasonable to expect her to be supportive. Surely that is what families do, isn't it? If she truly could not cope with the grief, she could explain that. But from your posts it doesn't seem to be the case. I would certainly tell her how hurt you were by her dismissive attitude. Not in an emotional blackmail sort of way but to show her that other people's feelings matter, and that includes parents. At her age, it is time she knew that.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[bruffin]

Op doesnt seem to care about her dds feelings though does she.

[Angela0413]

I think she's being incredibly selfish and insensitive to you. I wasn't close to my gram as she died when I was young but I love my dad and if he wanted me to go to her grave on the anniversary of death I would cancel everything and be there. Not because of gran but to be supportive to my dad.

[WilburIsSomePig]

A genuine question, how long do those that "expect" this, think that their children should do this?

Expect their children (adult or not) to be thoughtful, kind, considerate etc? Well, forever really. I don't think being generally a nice person is a massive expectation of anyone else. Thank God my kids don't either.

[originalmavis]

Visiting your mum's grave is fucking gut wrenching.

It's not beyond the ken of a 19 year old to understand this, nor feel empathy for anyone else having to make this visit and want to support them.

[BitchQueen90]

My GM also died 2 years ago and my DM was devastated, she is a very emotional person and still cries about it a lot. I was very upset too but I am the opposite - I am very, very bad at showing my emotions, I very rarely cry and can be seen by others as quite cold. I don't know what to do with myself when other people get emotional around me as it makes me uncomfortable. This is just the way I am, so I try to avoid situations like this. Maybe this is also how your DD is.

Saying that, yes the comment was insensitive and I know something like that would be important to my own DM so I would have made the effort for her.

[WonderWombat]

My father will accompany his own Dad to his mother's (his Dad's late wife's) grave. But that is because his Dad is in his nineties and it is too far for him to walk or go by bus.

I can get that for some people they want company when visiting a memorial. The OP had that company because her son went with her.

There might be a picture in somebody's head of how it would be nice to have both children coming along, as a family occasion. And it didn't happen.

But my experience as a step-parent and parent, is there's quite a bit of 'family occasioning' at this time of year. Sitting nicely over meals, putting up with each other's quirks and with visiting relatives. And sooner or later there is a point where people just want to chll out and do their own thing.

It's that mixture of giving people their own space - though sometimes pulling them in and saying, 'I want you here.' I do think young people have the right to say, 'No' sometimes.

Ideally this is done politely and with sensitivity. But I'm in my mid-fifties and there are occasions when I don't do sensitivity.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

WilburIsSomePig
Expect their children (adult or not) to be thoughtful, kind, considerate etc? Well, forever really. confused I don't think being generally a nice person is a massive expectation of anyone else. Thank God my kids don't either.

I was going for, expected to do exactly as they are told, and not become a person in their own right and have their feelings respected.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Visiting your mum's grave is fucking gut wrenching

That's so interesting how differently we see it . I find grave yards are peaceful places and full of love and memories

[WonderWombat]

I think it's also a question of whether you value outward conformity above inner observance.

For some people going to visit a grave is a quasi-religious/spiritual experience. But that's very much about a kind of inner sensibility. It just cannot be imposed and actually if you try and impose it on someone who is unwilling, it makes it very unlikely that they will find the experience positive. (Very much as enforced participation in church services is unlikely to make a child feel authentic Christian faith.)

So to me it seems like a choice between

a) putting pressure on people to join in a trip to a graveyard in order to achieve a particular goal of outwardly correct family behaviour

or

b) allowing the possibility that there may be a variety of feelings within a family about someone who has died, and that particularly as the months and years go by there isn't a single 'right' feeling or 'right' way of behaving,

[ConvincingLiar]

I find grace visiting pointless, it does nothing for me. I am mid 30s so hopefully a bit more tactful than your daughter but that's exactly the kind of thing where I'd be asking my mum "would you like me to come?" Rather than going for my own benefit.

[Purplebluebird]

I think you're overreacting. I have visited my mum's grave twice since she died almost 3 years ago, and it's not something I feel like doing tbh. People are different. You should've made it clear you wanted her there for support, she might not "like" seeing the grave and rather remember in her own way. I doubt she was actively trying to offend you.

[user1483035736]

you find it comforting to visit the grave. your daughter does not. if you want her to visit to support you, ask her. if she says no accept it.

[Potnoodlewilld0]

It's really weird/intrested that there is a clear divide of

Parents who ask their kids if they want to do something

And

Parents who wouldn't ever impose a question on their kids.

She was watching the tv she couldn't be arsed. It wasn't about any other reason.

YANBU . Some times we pander to much to our children and can make them selfish and ungrateful.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Potnoodlewilld0

Not the OP but

My children visit my mothers grave at christmas, easter, mothers day, her birthday and the anniversary of her death

I absolutely expect it

Isn't imposing a question.

And your clear divide clearly has various shades of grey to it.

[bruffin]

A dd not wanting to go to a graveside does not make them selfish and ungrateful.

[FATEdestiny]

She should have said:

"because I just don't want to go (today?)"

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

boney

That was me and i agree with your shades of grey

The older my children get the less likely they will do it, except maybe christmas

I pop my clogs i don't think i have a cat in hells chance of getting them near my grave ....let alone my mothers

[LouiseBrooks]

luce YANBU.

I can understand people not necessarily wishing to visit a grave, I haven't been to my parent's grave for years but I do live 200 miles away and don't visit the town much. Also, they both died a long time ago. However her response was very thoughtless and must have been hurtful. You should tell her that too. At 19 she is certainly old enough to have a bit more sensitivity. I'm glad your son went with you.

Some people just don't "get it" though as is shown by some of the responses on this thread.

[WilburIsSomePig]

I was going for, expected to do exactly as they are told, and not become a person in their own right and have their feelings respected.

Well that may be what you were going for, so no luck there, as I don't agree that anyone should do exactly as their 'told'. But as that's not what actually happened with the OP I'm assuming you mean something else.

It's a shame that you don't feel respect goes both ways, I'm a firm believer that it does but I get that we all bring our children up differently. I've always tried to bring mine up to be thoughtful, considerate and kind but, like I said, we all have different ways of bringing up our children. Happy New Year anyway.

[scottishdiem]

Your DD certainly lacked tact and it is ok to be upset about that.

But: "it really isn't a big ask"

Depends on the DD.

I will not, do not and never will do graves. No. I would be far more tactful but no-one in my family asks me because they know this.

[LockedOutOfMN]

My parents always want to visit my grandparents' grave. I live abroad so have come to terms with remembering them wherever I am on the planet. I don't need to be at the grave to remember them. So when I'm at my parents I feel little desire to go to visit my grandparents' grave but I do it and never say or, I hope, show my lack of interest.

I think the OP's daughter probably remembers her grandmother at all times of the year and doesn't feel a need to go to the physical place of her grave to mourn or honour her. But her comment was thoughtless.