AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

[Luce14]

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

[ShebaShimmyShake]

The point is, I know that going to the grave doesn't particularly upset her

You don't know that! How presumptuous!

I am astounded sometimes at how many people, on MN and elsewhere, think they honestly know other people's thought processes and motivations for doing what they do. They don't! Like all of us, they see things through their own lens and think everyone reasons and responds the way they do. But they don't!

It's why reverses are so obnoxious. If you really truly want people to judge from the other side, get the other person to post their version of events! How can you speak for them when your very reason for doing so is because you think they're wrong?

OP, the comment was thoughtless and she should have been more tactful. You can tell her that. But she's 19, she really isn't the evolved, empathetic, outward focused adult we seem to think kids that age should be. You may be right, she may genuinely not have been bothered. But you cannot know that for sure and you won't ever develop relationships if you don't genuinely accept that you can't read minds.

[bruffin]

Thats what i have been saying all along shefeeds
There have been a lot of sarky comments on here about people bringing up their children to have consideration and clearly others dont!
My dd 19 is known for her emotional maturity ,she even got nominated for a YOPEY because of it, but she still puts her foot in it occassionally,she is still learning.
As i said all along there is two sides to this and i dont think OP has really shown mùch consideration in her expectation of her children.

[SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges]

I am speculating a little, but there's a lot of expectation of emotional maturity from a 19 year old from a mother who hasn't expressed much emotional intelligence in the matter herself.

Didn't make sense!

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

I agree with you frank

And shefeeds

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

I have been quoted a few times and thats fine

But can i just point out that none of my children knew my mother they go because we have always gone

Its 15 minutes out of their day for about 5 times a year

And its not sad, no one cries . They put down the flowers and say happy birthday (or whatever) and get back in the car

No one has ever said they dont want to go.....

They might when they get older and they obviously will when they leave home as they may be doing other things on those days

But i agree that each to their own

[SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges]

I know that on MN we like to say that 18 year olds are adults and fit to be thrown into the big adult world headfirst but, actually, 17-19 year olds plus are still learning about the world and managing their emotions. Especially if they're not taught to 'feel', understand, label and manage them.

I think my 18 year old son would be able to articulate why he didn't want to do something sensitively, but then I would have explained to him that it meant a lot to me.

I am speculating a little, but there's a lot of expectation of emotional maturity from a 19 year old who hasn't expressed much emotional intelligence in the matter herself.

The daughter will only be able to communicate as well or as effectively as she has been taught.

[FrankAndBeans]

My children visit my mothers grave at christmas, easter, mothers day, her birthday and the anniversary of her death

I absolutely expect it

A lot of people expected me to take this line with my DD in regards to her sister, but I actually purposefully keep her away as I don't want her to feel obliged to be sad every year.

I don't think saying she can't be bothered is rude, the grave obviously brings no comfort to her. I think the issue here is a difference in expectations, not the actual situation.

[WilburIsSomePig]

The DD said no (in what ever way)

This is the crux for me boney, I do believe that tone and how you conduct yourself is really important. I think it's a little churlish to suggest that someone who believes respect for someone (anyone) else is a two way thing actually just wants things their own way.

However, that's your opinion and though I may not agree with you, I do acknowledge that perhaps we should agree to disagree. We seem to have very different views on the meaning of the word and that's fair enough.

Anyway, as I said upthread, Happy New Year and peace out etc.

[addstudentdinners2]

Oh ffs it really isn't the fact the dd said no

If she'd said "actually Mum I'd rather not go because it makes me sad/I don't like graves/I prefer to remember Grandma in other ways" that would have been ok.

She said she couldn't be "bothered". That's rude and thoughtless.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

WilburIsSomePig

It's a shame that you don't feel respect goes both ways, I'm a firm believer that it does but I get that we all bring our children up differently.

You claim that you believe that respect goes both ways. The DD said no (in what ever way), the OP (and others on the thread) haven't respected that. It seems that too many posters that respect goes both ways as long as its when everyone is doing what they want.

[WonderWombat]

I think - as others have said - that thoughtfulness and consideration between parents and older children is a kind of two way thing. It isn't the same as parental indulgence and no boundaries and never asking them to do anything.

But as a parent I try to be interested in what my 19 year old is thinking and feeling, to give her space when she needs it and be more engaged and ask her about what's going on when she is more receptive.

Because she is still maturing I don't expect the consideration she shows me to be of the same amount. But I want there to be some and if I think she's falling short I'll tell her.

I suppose in this particular sort of situation, I might have tried to find out in advance what my daughter's general feelings were bout grave-visiting and perhaps also get across that I personally found it a helpful thing to do. I'd also say that it because it had been important to the person in that grave - making the visit as a family would have a greater emotional significance. If in that situation my daughter had made the promise to come with me in advance - but then given me the brush-off on the day itself because of a good film on TV, I'd feel cross and let down about the breaking of a promise.

But if I just sort of sailed in assuming she'd be up for a grave visit, and she said 'No'. Not right now - in fact I don't want to do it all today.' I might feel briefly upset. However, then it would be a trigger for me to examine why it was such a big deal of me. I'd also make a mental note to explore my daughter's feelings about her grandmother later.

[alltheworld]

Yanbu . Second Xmas without df and harder than last year. It's not much to ask your dd to do. Her response was rude and thoughtless and I really think you ought to tell her how you feel. Even if a grave visit isn't important for her, she should have gone out of care for you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My children visit my mothers grave at christmas, easter, mothers day, her birthday and the anniversary of her death

I absolutely expect it

I find that astounding. But it's definitely cultural because there is massive pressure on the Irish Catholic side of the family to do this kind of thing. Whether they want to or not. We all find it weird and maudlin and filled with guilt and pressure. But it's normal for some.

I do agree that the OP's DD was tactless and could have put it better.

[LockedOutOfMN]

My parents always want to visit my grandparents' grave. I live abroad so have come to terms with remembering them wherever I am on the planet. I don't need to be at the grave to remember them. So when I'm at my parents I feel little desire to go to visit my grandparents' grave but I do it and never say or, I hope, show my lack of interest.

I think the OP's daughter probably remembers her grandmother at all times of the year and doesn't feel a need to go to the physical place of her grave to mourn or honour her. But her comment was thoughtless.

[scottishdiem]

Your DD certainly lacked tact and it is ok to be upset about that.

But: "it really isn't a big ask"

Depends on the DD.

I will not, do not and never will do graves. No. I would be far more tactful but no-one in my family asks me because they know this.

[WilburIsSomePig]

I was going for, expected to do exactly as they are told, and not become a person in their own right and have their feelings respected.

Well that may be what you were going for, so no luck there, as I don't agree that anyone should do exactly as their 'told'. But as that's not what actually happened with the OP I'm assuming you mean something else.

It's a shame that you don't feel respect goes both ways, I'm a firm believer that it does but I get that we all bring our children up differently. I've always tried to bring mine up to be thoughtful, considerate and kind but, like I said, we all have different ways of bringing up our children. Happy New Year anyway.

[LouiseBrooks]

luce YANBU.

I can understand people not necessarily wishing to visit a grave, I haven't been to my parent's grave for years but I do live 200 miles away and don't visit the town much. Also, they both died a long time ago. However her response was very thoughtless and must have been hurtful. You should tell her that too. At 19 she is certainly old enough to have a bit more sensitivity. I'm glad your son went with you.

Some people just don't "get it" though as is shown by some of the responses on this thread.

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

boney

That was me and i agree with your shades of grey

The older my children get the less likely they will do it, except maybe christmas

I pop my clogs i don't think i have a cat in hells chance of getting them near my grave ....let alone my mothers

[FATEdestiny]

She should have said:

"because I just don't want to go (today?)"

[bruffin]

A dd not wanting to go to a graveside does not make them selfish and ungrateful.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Potnoodlewilld0

Not the OP but

My children visit my mothers grave at christmas, easter, mothers day, her birthday and the anniversary of her death

I absolutely expect it

Isn't imposing a question.

And your clear divide clearly has various shades of grey to it.

[Potnoodlewilld0]

It's really weird/intrested that there is a clear divide of

Parents who ask their kids if they want to do something

And

Parents who wouldn't ever impose a question on their kids.

She was watching the tv she couldn't be arsed. It wasn't about any other reason.

YANBU . Some times we pander to much to our children and can make them selfish and ungrateful.

[user1483035736]

you find it comforting to visit the grave. your daughter does not. if you want her to visit to support you, ask her. if she says no accept it.

[Purplebluebird]

I think you're overreacting. I have visited my mum's grave twice since she died almost 3 years ago, and it's not something I feel like doing tbh. People are different. You should've made it clear you wanted her there for support, she might not "like" seeing the grave and rather remember in her own way. I doubt she was actively trying to offend you.

[ConvincingLiar]

I find grace visiting pointless, it does nothing for me. I am mid 30s so hopefully a bit more tactful than your daughter but that's exactly the kind of thing where I'd be asking my mum "would you like me to come?" Rather than going for my own benefit.