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AIBU?

AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

188 replies

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 04:59

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

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AmberEars · 31/12/2016 06:58

OP, can you tell us why you wanted your DC to go with you, as I'm not sure from reading your post.

Was it to support you, as you would have found it in some way easier to visit the grave with family members around you? If so YANBU (as long as you made this clear to your DD) - 19 is old enough to show some compassion.

Or was it because you wanted them to want to go for their own sakes, in response to their own grief? If so YABU. As other posters have said, you can't dictate how upset others are or how they demonstrate their grief.

I'm sorry for your loss

Keremy · 31/12/2016 07:11

Yanbu to be upset by her comments but is there any possibility this could be a 19 year old hitting out because they can't cope with going to the grave and you wouldn't take no for an answer.

OliviaStabler · 31/12/2016 07:19

That was a very thoughtless way for her to behave.

She is 19 and if she cannot get up off the sofa for a short graveside visit to support her DM, it's very sad. At her age she should have some compassion for others.

Couldn't have written my thoughts better than this.

GoodEyebrowDay · 31/12/2016 07:19

My mum used to drag all of us along to her mum's memorial every year, she's been gone since the early 90s. We went out of obligation but couldn't cope with watching my mum wail at a headstone. Stopped going as soon as I was able.

I cope with grief & loss better and have a very practical mindset, especially when it comes to losing elderly people. I found the visits uncomfortable & a bit morbid.

user1471545174 · 31/12/2016 07:28

YANBU, OP.

Thinkingblonde · 31/12/2016 07:32

I visited my parents graves twice actually not even a grave, they were cremated and we had their ashes scattered in the Remembrance Gsrden. My sister and I went together. It was a strange feeling to be stood looking at a rose bush. I don't need reminding of them or my late brother, I don't have any photos up to remind me of what they looked like. I think of them all every day. They are locked in my heart.

steff13 · 31/12/2016 07:37

I don't think it's necessarily fair to imply the daughter has no compassion. This is her loss, too, not just the OP's. She may be dealing with it the best she can, and she may not be comfortable going to the cemetery, and she may not have wanted to discuss it.

MakeItRain · 31/12/2016 07:38

I think YAB a bit U. Your dd had already said no. She might not have wanted to visit a grave for any of the reasons given by people here.
When you asked a second time you might have put her on the spot. It might have been difficult to explain that she didn't want to go because it felt morbid/it makes her uncomfortable/to her, her nan is not there/she doesn't want to witness your grief/she doesn't want to remember her by looking at a grave even though you do.
All of those reasons, to a 19 year old, could be difficult to articulate, especially in the face of your wanting to go.
Coming out with "I can't be bothered" wasn't the best response either, but it may have been all she could think of to avoid a discussion of how she really felt.
It's lovely that your son did want to go and I hope that helped.

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2016 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2016 07:54

This reply has been deleted

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Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2016 07:56

Once your emotions have settled, I would tell her that you understood she didn't want to go. But the reason she gave was hurtful.

Dh visits his mother's grave when we go to his hometown. I don't go. He goes with his father. They both want to be there and that's a shared experience for them. His father still goes every week as far as I'm aware. She died 20 years ago. I did go in the early days. But now for me, it's just a morbid experience and my presence would be inappropriate.

PietariKontio · 31/12/2016 07:58

YANBU to be upset by it, but I also think she's NBU by not wanting to go. LIke others have said, everyone grieves differently, and visiting someone's grave isn't what they do - e.g. I've never visited my Dad's.
I think the "can't be bothered" comment may have made it sound worse, but teenagers, even adult ones, don't always phrase things in the best way.
She may also feel she had an out for not going as her brother was, so she knew you'd not be alone. Obviously this is all guesswork, you'll know your kids better; I'd put it down to experience, and maybe, like others have suggested, giver he more notice and go out for lunch for similar afterwards.

TheInternetIsForPorn · 31/12/2016 08:03

I hate visiting graves./memorials. In four years I've been to dad's 3 times. One for the internment, one to check the plaque when installed, and one because I was at another funeral and there anyway so called by.

Not everyone can do it or wants to do it. I don't think YABU to be upset. But equally I don't think she's BU for not wanting to go.

Crispsheets · 31/12/2016 08:07

She could have phrased it better but I understand why she doesn't want to go.
I don't visit my father's grave..and gave no idea where my mother's ashes are scattered. I don't need to physically go and remember them.

ThePeoplesChamp · 31/12/2016 08:10

Like others have said really..... it's horses for courses.

Some people take comfort in going, some feel it's a bit awkward and not for them. It seems like DD tried to offer an excuse withe the film and hoped you'd leave it at that, then came back with something to rule out the whole day when you didnt.

It really is personal choice. My DB visits my DM's grave at her every birthday and anniversary... dragging his wife and 3 kids along. I dont and find his enmasse trip and subsequent social media comments almost ghoulish. Different people just see the same scenario different ways.

snapcrap · 31/12/2016 08:10

The thing no-one has mentioned is that main reason my in laws visit their parents graves are to tend them and tidy them otherwise they become overgrown and sometimes there is litter and animal shit on them!

Sorry for your loss OP. I agree maybe your daughter doesn't like going, doesn't get comfort from it, finds your distress distressing. But she's an adult and she was tactless so you are not unreasonable to feel upset.

WonderWombat · 31/12/2016 08:13

I think for some people it isn't 'obvious' that you visit graves, and while I understand that you were disappointed by your daughter's off-hand response 'heartbroken' is a strong word.

I can imagine that older children who are likely to carry on being with you at this time of year, might want to kick against the idea of an annual pilgrimage to a grave - so perhaps your daughter's response was a way of showing that while she might have given you support on the first anniversary of your mother's death, she didn't want you to expect she would always be there for you in this way.

Even if your mother was an excellent and loved grandparent, your children will have their own very different feelings about her - and not want to mourn her in the way that you do. Perhaps your anger with your daughter is more a kind of continuing grief about having to go on without your mother.

Maybe you just need to have a conversation with your daughter and find out what she thinks and feels. Perhaps if you can accept she is just coming from a different place, she'll feel free to be just a bit more understanding. Even if that is not shown via visits to graveyards.

wictional · 31/12/2016 08:15

Yanbu to be upset by her comments but is there any possibility this could be a 19 year old hitting out because they can't cope with going to the grave and you wouldn't take no for an answer

This. Is there a possibility that your dd has been feeling upset around the anniversary and so distracted herself with a film. You interrupt that distraction. She gets overwhelmed (but you don't see this) at the impending "facing of the grave/proof". Maybe she's about to start crying, and she blurts out the first thing she can to get you to go away before she does.

Yes, the comment was thoughtless, and I realise you want someone there for support. It can't be easy, and I'm sorry for your loss. However, making your DC be that support is a bit unfair, especially if you're making it an obligation because "she did so much for them". Could your DH go? Do you have siblings?

Jellymuffin · 31/12/2016 08:16

I find grave visiting mawkish, in the same vein as posting candles and angels on Facebook. Some people think they need to torture themselves to 'prove' their devotion to a lost loved one like grief is a competition. Grief is very personal and just because she doesn't want to go to the grave, which she may have found very distressing or even pointless, doesn't mean she doesn't miss her Nan. She could have told you in a more polite way though.

AmberEars · 31/12/2016 08:17

I was fond of my Grandma, and felt sad when she died. But nothing like I'll feel when my own mum dies. That will be a completely different kind of grief.

Enkopkaffetak · 31/12/2016 08:21

Luce my mum died in May 15. I do not live in the same country as she my stepdad and sister do. I have dealt with my grief on my own mostly as well noone to share it with me here. I went to visit and I felt I had to go to her grave I knew that sister and stepdad would expect me to. Truth is I didnt want to go. I have no " resting place " feelings for the grave. It is not a place I get to go regular ever. So for me it doesn't give " peace" to go to her grave. I felt a lot more for going to the resting place of my stepgrandparents (same grave yard)

Doesn't mean I cared less about my mother. Just means for me it isnt a good place to find peace.

However having said all of that. I went because I knew it meant something for my sister and stepdad. I would have told your dd that you felt hurt that she wasnt willing to come as this meant something to you.

Like you this was my 2nd Christmas without my mother alive. I have found this one harder than last year. I have been very emotional and I suspect others have noticed without realising why. I wonder if you have felt similar? grief is hard no matter how long you go without that person.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2016 08:25

Maybe she could have handled it better in terms of her comments
But I find visiting graves difficult too. It's not I don't understand why people go, more I don't think the person is there and I find it difficult to just go and look at a gravestone.

I understand you wanted her to be there for you, but I also think the flip side of that is people should only every go to graves if they want to, they shouldn't feel obliged to do so and as a parent I think you should also have showed her more compassion and tried to understand earlier her thoughts on this.

So basically I think a lack of communication in both sides, she should have communicated better and I don't think this is something uou should simply expect her to do because it gives you comfort, irrelevant of her feelings on it.

steff13 · 31/12/2016 08:25

I was fond of my Grandma, and felt sad when she died. But nothing like I'll feel when my own mum dies. That will be a completely different kind of grief.

For you. Who knows how the OP's daughter feels.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 31/12/2016 08:28

Sorry for your loss.

My guess is that visiting a grave just isn't important to her. I feel the same way about visiting graves / memorials.

My mum has spent a lot of time trying to get me to respond emotionally to things in the "correct" way her way. It's never worked, it's not that I'm unemotional I'm just not sentimental.

If you were inviting your daughter for her emotional benefit I suggest you stop, if it's important to her she'll do it.
If you were inviting her for your benefit you need to actually explain that to her.

CryingInFrontOfStrangers · 31/12/2016 08:31

I was very close to my grandad and very upset when he died, but I have never visisted his grave because it isn't something I feel comfortable doing.

My mum visited it often but understood my feelings. I was there to provide comfort to her all the other times she was upset about the loss.

I have never visited my mum's grave either and I was very close to her too.

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