AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

[Luce14]

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

[FrankAndBeans]

YABU.
Visiting a grave for some it utterly draining and depressing. I have a DD buried and sometimes even when my DP asks if I want to go visit her together I can't face it as it resonates with me for days. I think it's selfish to expect her to go every time. I won't take DD2 up as I don't want her to see me hurting and have her feel obligated to go when we do. Sorry for your loss though OP.

[chipsandgin]

Sorry for your loss Luce.

I wouldn't visit a graveside personally (or rather of my own volition, I have done for the sake of others) as I really don't believe that the person who has died is 'there', my family have cremations and will remember the person in our own way and that works for me. My MIL was buried (around 300 miles away from where we live) and my DH feels guilty he/we can't visit more often - I support him & will go but I (privately) don't get it.

With that in mind perhaps that was your DD's rationale? Either that or she is being self-involved and thoughtless about your feelings (to not go along for your sake even if the grave visiting doesn't gel with her belief system is also pretty selfish - but a lot of teenagers are, maybe talk to her about why not & how it made you feel - but listen to her point of view also?).

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Whether or not you understand, the OP has every right to visit the grave and to expect some support from her DC.

Has anyone suggested OP has no right to visit the grave??

And I'm very wary of what we should "expect" from our children. Not a lot, is my personal feeling. Certainly not to manage and be responsible for our emotional needs. Support comes in different forms. Grave visiting is highly personal.

[pictish]

I think yabu sorry. I don't think it's on to expect other people to partake in your personal grieving ritual if they don't want to. If you go to the church it's a time for you to remember and reflect on your relationship with your mum. I can understand why you would want company, but equally I sympathise with your daughter not wanting to go. I think the first anniversary is often observed, with many people opting out of an annual vigil after that. My much loved mum died 11 years ago and I frequently miss the anniversary of her passing, even though I think about her all the time.

[LittleMoonbuggy]

I too don't feel the need to visit family members graves, not everyone does.

If you wanted DD to go to support you emotionally you should at least have given her plenty of notice (before today) and made clear that the purpose of her going was to support you.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I think the thing is that the loss of a grandparent may be upsetting but it's going to be slightly more expected to a point than the loss of a parent?

[WonderWombat]

I remember my late father every time the World Snooker Championship is on. He died during the last frames of the final. Since then I quite often watch the end of the match and think about him.

[Ofalltheginjoints]

I can understand you feeling hurt OP but to your daughter it's probably just the first reason that came into her mind, a throw away comment that didn't mean much to her but has obviously hurt you.
As others have said everyone deals with grief differently and she views visiting the grave differently to you, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't care.

I'm not really sure what people do when they go to graves tbh.
Most of my recent family deaths have been followed by a cremation, only my Great Aunt was buried and that was in a family plot with her late husband and her son who she lost aged 10, 60 years before her own death.
The grave obviously meant a great deal to my Great Aunt and also to my grandmother, we live about 200 miles from the cemetery but always took my Great Aunt at her request when we were visiting as her other child didn't want to and her mobility was too poor to go alone. After my Great Aunt passed away my grandmother became ill and always worried about no one going to visit.
I still visit the grave whenever I'm in that city, mostly to clean the headstone (or try to) it's been there since 1945 so isn't in the best of condition but I try my best to maintain it, my DM does the same if she is in that city, purely because it meant so much to my Great Aunt and 30mins out of a day isn't much to do, we seem to be the only family that visit which is fine because it means different things to different people. When there I'll also say a prayer for everyone as well

[WilburIsSomePig]

Today people are obsessed with creating lazy selfish entitled young adults.

Couldn't agree more.

I used to go with my mum to her dad's grave when I was in my 20's. I hated it, but I went for her, because she was my mum and she needed me there.

[Topseyt]

She was tactless and that should be mentioned to her when the opportunity arises.

You aren't at all unreasonable to want to visit the grave. Some people use it as a focal point for their grief and that is part of their coping mechanism.

Equally though, your DD isn't obliged to visit it if she doesn't want to. I would tell her that you respect that as her choice, but that you didn't appreciate the dismissive and hurtful way that she elected to communicate it to you. This was, after all, your mother. Tell her that that is why "can't be bothered" was such a thoughtless choice of phrasing.

[Cherryskypie]

'Today people are obsessed with creating lazy selfish entitled young adults.'

As opposed to mature adults who drag their adult offspring with them regardless of their feelings?

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Two separate things here:

1. Should she visit the grave? That's her choice. She may not feel she wants to, for all sorts of reasons. That's fine, although I personally think that when it's obvious that her mother would benefit from her support she should have put herself out a bit. That's just basic consideration and kindness, isn't it?
   

1. Should she, at 19, be tactful and sensitive enough to choose her words carefully on a subject that she must know is still very raw and painful for her mother, if not for her? Yes, certainly, and I too would be very upset if my daughter had spoken to me in such an offhand way on a subject like this.
   

I hope she made it up to you in some other way, OP.

[areyoubeingserviced]

I think that yabu. As others have said, people grieve in different ways.
I personally see no benefit in visiting the graves of those who have died, but I respect the right of others to do so.
I adored my grandfather, but I have no desire to visit his grave and would probably react aggressively if I was 'forced'to by my DM.

[WilburIsSomePig]

She didn't 'force' her. She asked her to go, she didn't.

I think some people are missing the point. The title asks if the OP was unreasonable to be upset by her DD's comments, not if her DD was unreasonable not to go. There's a difference.

As opposed to mature adults who drag their adult offspring with them regardless of their feelings?.

I didn't see the OP say that she 'dragged' her daughter with her either. I would have no problem if my DD didn't come with me to my parent's graves. I would if she was so insensitive and uncaring in her response when asked. Sometimes you do things you really don't feel like, for someone else. You know, to support them.

[Cherryskypie]

The OP didn't say that and I've said the way her DD spoke to her was thoughtless.

My comment was to all those who throw out 'lazy entitled' comments at young adults when it's actually quite selfish to not consider the feelings of the DC about grave visiting. You can remember someone without going to stare at the ground they were buried in. You can go to their favourite place, get out photos and relive memories, talk about them. My grandmother was born in the 20s and hated grave visiting. It's never been a thing in our family. My grandparents don't get annual visits to their grave, they get thought about and talked about all through the year.

[addstudentdinners2]

As opposed to mature adults who drag their adult offspring with them regardless of their feelings?

Oh please, the op didn't drag her dd with her, she merely asked if she was being unreasonable to be upset by a thoughtless, insensitive comment. Which IMO she isn't.

Do you know what, I wasn't particularly close to my grandmother and I'm not massively bothered about visiting her grave. But I love my mum and if she needs my support when she goes then she'Il get it.

[Beebeeeight]

You are an adult.

It isn't a child's job to 'support' their parent.

If you are finding grief particularly difficult look into counselling.

[WilburIsSomePig]

The OP didn't say that and I've said the way her DD spoke to her was thoughtless.

Didn't say what? She asked if she was unreasonable to be upset by her daughter's comments.

[brasty]

Graves mean very different things to different people. Some people have no wish to visit a grave at all, others find it important and helpful.

[addstudentdinners2]

beebee

Do we not raise our children to have basic compassion and empathy for others anymore then ?

Maybe I'm stupid but I always thought being supportive and caring to those you love was simply part of being an adult human being, whether they're your parent or not.

[Cherryskypie]

'I didn't see the OP say that she 'dragged' her daughter'

^ that

[AnyFucker]

There is a lot of yap on this thread about what is essentially a bit of a mean thing to do by the 19yo

[WonderWombat]

I don't think lack of compassion is a generational thing.

I once asked my husband to explain to my mother that I didn't feel able to come to the phone. I had just returned from the funeral of a good friend who had died quiet unexpectedly.

She didn't ask me about my friend when we next spoke.

On one of the first occasions I had a bereavement - a close friend dying of cancer when I was in my early twenties, she told me briskly that I must be glad that she didn't suffer a long ilness.

My mother never goes to funerals of friends. She says this because a minor, but inconvenient disability means that she might have to find a loo during the service. When I mentioned this on MN, I was told that for many people attending funerals was pointless and unimportant.

This is to point out that perceived lack of empathy is not about the selfish younger generation. Older people can - possibly - lack empathy too.

[Cherryskypie]

If we pared every thread down to the essentials MN would look quite sparse.

Teenagers can be selfish and thoughtless.

Toddlers can be like tiny monsters.

Relationships are complicated.

LTB

[WilburIsSomePig]

Maybe I'm stupid but I always thought being supportive and caring to those you love was simply part of being an adult human being, whether they're your parent or not.

Apparently not.