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AIBU?

AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

188 replies

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 04:59

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

OP posts:

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BakeOffBiscuits · 31/12/2016 17:19

OP people are not reading the thread properly. what a surprise

What your dd said was horrible and I would speak to her about it. Tell her what she said was very hurtful.

Hopefully she'll apologise!

Bitofacow · 31/12/2016 17:19

I hate visiting graves with other people. Hate it.

I take my mum when she asks but I hate it. She has no idea of how much I dislike it and I wish she wouldn't ask. I don't want to upset her so I go, but I hate it. If I told her she'd cry, so I go.

I would be horrified if I put one of my sons though that. I would rather they told me.

Topseyt · 31/12/2016 17:19

OP, I agree. There have been some pretty insensitive responses.

Many of us did get that the "can't be bothered" is the problem. It was spectacularly badly phrased by your DD and she needs to be pulled up sharply on it.

It is a classic case of "it isn'tu so much what you are saying as the way in which you choose to say it", probably anyway. An important lesson for your DD to learn, and there may be no time like the present.

haveacupoftea · 31/12/2016 17:20

YABU,

She said no, she gave you her reason why. Your mum did a lot for DD, but DD knows that not going will not benefit your mum. She's 19, and it really isn't to her to support you either.

Yes she could have been more tactful, and I expect she may look back and cringe one day. For now, you have a daughter who can say no and feels she can be honest with you as to why - there are worse qualities to have.

haveacupoftea · 31/12/2016 17:21

Going will not benefit your mum, sorry.

Georgiegirl23 · 31/12/2016 17:21

YANBU. I am 23 so not much older than her, but at that age we should be emotionally mature enough to say no in a compassionate way. It's fine to not want to, but "Sorry, I would find it too upsetting" is much nicer than "can't be bothered". You should talk to her about it - I think that at 19 she should be able to understand that she upset you. No need to make a fuss but she deserves to know how you feel.

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 17:22

havea - that's your religious opinion, we all have different views.

OP posts:

gleam · 31/12/2016 17:23

It's hard not to agree to a request about visiting someone's grave when they're ill or dying though...
I don't think she should be bound by that.
And even if someone did a lot for you, wasn't it 'repaid' in life, by their company, their joy, their relationship then?

Sorry for your loss.

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 17:25

The point is, I know that going to the grave doesn't particularly upset her and you can all sit here and tell me how my DD is just saying that, etc. but I do in fact know my daughter. She was at the chapel of rest stroking her, etc. and explains how these things just don't upset her (which is fine) and as I know my daughter, I believe the real reason was because she can't be bothered and yes, to not go because you can't be bothered is bad imho and I wish she chose her words differently.

OP posts:

WonderWombat · 31/12/2016 17:26

I think it may also be how a visit is framed.

My father's ashes are in a cemetery that has a beautiful view over a river. On my infrequent visits to the town - it's some distance away - I have sometimes taken my daughter along. But really on the basis that it's a pleasant walk with a lovely view and we can sort of briefly drop by to say 'Hi'. It's not a weepy, grief-filled sort of outing.

I think if I wanted somebody to support me in my feelings of bereavement on a painful anniversary I'd ask either my partner or a good friend - not somebody who is still in their teens.

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 17:27

You can also all sit there and say how you shouldn't expect support off your child, but I think when they're grown up, I do expect them to just like any other grown up family member. I'd be ashamed at my parenting if I had a child who only wanted to think about themselves, yes.

OP posts:

MyWhatICallNameChange · 31/12/2016 17:28

YANBU.

Maybe next time she asks you to do something she thinks is important you tell her you can't be bothered.

I'd understand if she found it distressing, but it's just plain rude to say she couldn't be bothered. It's her grandmother fgs.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 31/12/2016 17:29

We dont do weepy either wonder

I make em sing songs

That would tickle my mums fancy

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 17:31

It's definitely not depressing... It's right near the sea! No crying, etc. just some fresh flowers and a walk.

OP posts:

WilburIsSomePig · 31/12/2016 17:31

She's 19, and it really isn't to her to support you either.

FFS give me strength. Do your family not support each other? Or as soon as they're adults is it every man for themselves and you're on your own?

WonderWombat · 31/12/2016 17:32

I don't think I expect my daughter to support me when it comes to deep or intense or difficult emotions.

I'd expect her to make me a cup of tea if I was feeling a bit down, and generally I expect her to be polite and study the things she is meant to be studying and do her share around the house.

But it is not our children's job to parent us.

ineedwine99 · 31/12/2016 17:32

I dont think you being U OP, i go with my mum to the memorial garden on the anniversary of her mum/dad and brothers deaths to support her and i have done for as long as i can remember (grandad died just before i was born, grandma and uncle in the last 10 years)

WilburIsSomePig · 31/12/2016 17:38

But it is not our children's job to parent us.

Who on earth said it was?

There are some really skewed views on this thread of what is just normal, kind behaviour. People do love to over-exaggerate to try to get their point across.

Changednamesorry · 31/12/2016 17:58

YANBU
Honestly.....if I had spoken to my mother like that at 19 she would have torn a strip off me and I would have deserved it. People really need to stop making excuses for nastiness .

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/12/2016 18:00

Teenager are soooooo selfish

They are just built that way - I am a lovely person now with empathy and emotional intelligence but 19 ? I would have pulled a stunt like that

Sorry op

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 31/12/2016 18:03

I think the way she phrased it was maybe hurtful but I don't think she meant it to be.

I've lost my gran but like to think about on my own terms. I struggle to deal with anything that brings up emotions and shy away from anything that does. Everyone grieves in different ways. Maybe you could ask how she likes to remember her nan and could you do that together.

I think she was tactless rather than unkind and probably doesn't really know how to articulate the fact that she doesn't want to grieve for and remember her in that way.

FireSquirrel · 31/12/2016 18:14

YANBU for being a bit disappointed but I don't think your daughter is BU either. People grieve in different ways. I've only ever visited my mother's grave once, whereas my sister goes regularly - she also posts photos and memories of my Mum on social media regularly, which I don't. It's not that I don't care, I just have a different way of expressing it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/12/2016 18:16

WilburIsSomePig

There are some really skewed views on this thread of what is just normal, kind behaviour

your skewed view is other peoples opinions, it doesn't make them any more skewed, less normal or kind than those that expect those to go with them to a grave side.

A genuine question, how long do those that "expect" this, think that their children should do this?

bringbacksideburns · 31/12/2016 18:22

Fucking hell. Some of the responses on here.
"I don't understand why anyone would want to visit a grave." Well that's gone for you but how about a bit of empathy for someone who didn't lose her parent five years ago but very recently?

I think your daughter was being very selfish OP. She's an adult and all she had to do was give an hour of her time. At least your son accompanied you.

We all deal with grief on different ways - some people are back in work after two days. Some people like to visit the grave of a loved one on birthdays and Christmas.
Who are we to tell someone how to grieve and how to act?

wictional · 31/12/2016 18:28

The point is, I know that going to the grave doesn't particularly upset her and you can all sit here and tell me how my DD is just saying that, etc. but I do in fact know my daughter. She was at the chapel of rest stroking her, etc. and explains how these things just don't upset her (which is fine) and as I know my daughter, I believe the real reason was because she can't be bothered and yes, to not go because you can't be bothered is bad imho and I wish she chose her words differently.

We didn't know that your daughter wasn't emotionally affected to begin with, so we responded as best we could.

Now that we know that it is unlike your daughter to have done it out of emotion, it's fairly obvious that no, yanbu. Your daughter was quite dismissive.

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