Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/12/2016 08:48

For eg re the running yes they shoudn't have said it but is there a grain of truth in it?

Why does it matter if there is a grain of truth in it?

When did it become ok to say unkind/nasty things because there maybe some truth in it?

BoboBunnyH0p · 31/12/2016 08:48

You and your DH should consider counselling. In the immediate short term disengage from anything to do with step DCs when they visit you and your ds spend quality time elsewhere or ask your DH to take them elsewhere. Do nothing for them, that's your DH responsibility.
With your son you need to address that it isn't acceptable for him to walk around naked, also your sdd needs to lock the bathroom door.

Newbrummie · 31/12/2016 08:55

Disengage from the step kids ? How is that going to improve the situation ?

MagicChicken · 31/12/2016 09:02

wrt the track running yabu to expect them to hang back and babysit your DS - it is not like goung for a walk! it would defeat the object! and if they were doing laps then they were not really leaving him behind anyway.

Agreed. Except that the boy didn't really want to go in the first place. he was shamed into it. So having got him that far the least they could do was stay with him and show him some encouragement in doing something he found difficult, instead of showing him up and ridiculing him for his lack of fitness.

But quite honestly, he should never have been badgered into going in the first place. It's not his thing, they are not his friends and they would probably have benefitted more from time alone with their dad, as I assume the OP's DS lives with him full time, which they probably resent?

The problem here is that in spite of the fact that they have nothing in common and don't get along, the OP and her DH seem intent on trying to force a bond between their children when there isn't one. If there is one thing teenagers HATE with a passion it's having their social lives and relationships engineered for them. Just leave them all alone and let them happily ignore one another.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 31/12/2016 09:27

You were crazy to bring a baby in yo this mix.

I'd leave to be honest. Your Dh is allowing you to be treated like an idiot and your son a verbal punch bag.

You have two disrespectful older kids in your house and your Dh is enabling them.

You have a serious Dh problem which is only going to get worse when the new baby is here because if you think he guilty parents now - wait till the baby is born.

If I was in your position I'd be expecting your DH to do a massive U - turn in his parenting or preparing to leave because you will all be fucking misrable

Potnoodlewilld0 · 31/12/2016 09:29

When did it become ok to say unkind/nasty things because there maybe some truth in it?

^^^ this.

Who cares if they didn't want to run with him. It was fucking mean and they are old enough to know better.

december10th · 31/12/2016 09:42

magic chicken - the post said SHE encouraged him to go running. I can't see anything about being shamed into it or his step sibs wanting him to go.not sure why they were expected to take in the role of his personal trainer

GreenTureen · 31/12/2016 09:42

I generally hate the 'man up' line given to boys in serious situations and avoid it with my own sons. BUT I must say op, your ds is 15 and not a baby or young child - and he sounds like a mummy's boy who's bursting into tears at every turn which probably isn't endearing him to two other similarly aged teens. I'm a nice person (IMO) but thinking of myself at 15, I probably would have been very 'WTF', rolly eyed and disdainful of someone my age crying all the time and avoided them like the plague.

There's a lot in your own ds's behaviour that is also undesirable that's already been mentioned - not to say that the other two don't sound spiteful but I don't think it's just them that's the problem.

snapcrap · 31/12/2016 09:43

Agree with every word you said Magic Chicken

I lived in a 'blended' family as a teen. It was anything but bloody blended! Four fucking pissed off and sad teenagers, two adults who were so intent on us all getting along because they were newly in love. Nightmare.

People can be so short sighted and selfish when it comes to their kids and new relationships.

No the kids shouldn't have been so rude but I'd bet my right arm they are acting out of distress and resentment.

You are a fool to have another baby in this mess but I'm guessing you wanted one soooo badly that was more important than extricating your son from this situation.

Newbrummie · 31/12/2016 09:45

The poor kid has been minding his own business living his life happily with his mum for most of his life and in walk these pair, tell him he's fat, he can't walk around nude in his own home any more and now there's a baby coming ..,. Where's his dad in all this ? Poor boy needs support not being told he's a baby, he was just fine

Riderontheswarm · 31/12/2016 09:53

I've only the read the OP as I'm in a rush but I would take my DS and leave. Your step children think you and your DS are inferior to them. They are treating you both badly and your husband is not trying to improve the situation. Your DS can't change this living g arrangement but you can. I'd leave them to their nastiness

december10th · 31/12/2016 09:57

all the children here need support, and the op needs to stop trying to make them all be friends with the family outings and running and so on.set some ground rules ie they have to be at least civil to one another and no walking around the house in the buff, backed up by consequences. Then you need to engineer for then to have time apart.

december10th · 31/12/2016 09:59

how long after dhs left his ex, before you came on the scene?

Pollyanna9 · 31/12/2016 10:02

I'm stunned that one PP says the DS sounds 'spineless' (what a truly vile comment about a young lad) and another PPer actually states they agree with everything that poster said.

How appalling.

The problem is the DH everyone says. That's as maybe, but the real problem is the OP. She either allows this situation to continue, or she puts her big girl pants on and stops it immediately. For the sake of her DS - and the child to come.

Not addressing this right now in the baldest and most overt way RIGHT NOW will GUARANTEE years of misery for everyone but mostly for her DS who will be damaged beyond repair by it emotionally.

Simplest way, I'd be saying until your SC can behave appropriately and you can parent them appropriately DH, they will not be visiting this house. Sort it out or you'll never have them over here again.

But I'm not sure if that will happen or not.

Thus the 'what can I do about my son being bullied by his step siblings' will never be resolved. It is literally all down to you OP.

Stand up for your DS now before it's too late.

FrankAndBeans · 31/12/2016 10:06

You can't tell him he can't have his kids in the house that is his too Hmm

snapcrap · 31/12/2016 10:08

All three kids are being unsupported. Of course OP's son isn't spineless. He's being bullied by two unhappy kids whose father is playing Disney Dad and stepmother dislikes them and they are in a situation they didn't ask to be in.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 10:12

He's an absolutely shite parent and for this reason I have no idea why you are having a baby with him?

Is this your first child together?

Is he some sort of flashy fellow who finds pleasure in his children lording their father's wealth around? He sounds absolutely dreadful to be honest.

You must prioritise your poor son.

Liverbird77 · 31/12/2016 10:20

I agree with happypoobum. Your son sounds lovely and sweet natured and should be subject to their vicious bullying. The fact he is so nice is a clear testamament to your skills as a mother. These step kids don't deserve you! Perhaps you might speak to your husband when things are calmer and insist he backs you up. Sending a hug.

LittleMoonbuggy · 31/12/2016 10:22

Agree with everything that Snapcrap and Magic Chicken have said.

And yes, I have personal experience of being pushed into a blended family as a teenager, along with the teenagers of new DSDad. It's not very pleasant for teenagers, and I agree wholeheartedly that it's often better for the parents to stay living in separate homes. More harmonious for sure, far fewer people to try to keep happy all the time, less people to constantly rub up the wrong way and cause arguments (accidental or otherwise).

I'm also very conscious that there are two sides to every story.

LaurieMarlow · 31/12/2016 10:22

I'd say the OP is feeling a bit overwhelmed by some of the comments. LTB may be somewhat premature. I'd give him a chance to improve things.

It's a tough situation for everyone and that needs to be acknowledged. This will be a big test of both your parenting skills.

The following things are jumping out at me.

Your DSC simply cannot continue to talk to you and your DS in that way. Zero tolerance on this.

Your house needs some ground rules. Start with locking the door when in the bathroom.

DH has responsibilities to you, your DS and your unborn baby as well as his DC. If He doesn't address this then it has to be game over.

Think carefully about the relationship between your kids and his. Perhaps you're expecting too much from them all. They don't necessarily need to hang out together. Maybe casual indifference is a good start.

Your new baby will add another dynamic to an already complex family structure. It's worth you and your DH thinking about this now. How are they likely to react? What steps can you take to make it as positive an experience as possible for the existing kids?

Good luck with it all.

Bobochic · 31/12/2016 10:27

This sounds like class war.

The only way to manage stepchildren is to win their respect. You have no natural authority as a parent might hope to have. What, OP, do you have that will allow you to gain your DSC's respect?

fourkids · 31/12/2016 10:28

OP, I feel like this thread has taken a rather subtle nasty turn, which I think is unnecessary and unsupportive.
Undoubtedly there a lot of factors involved though (I speak as a previous step child in your son's shoes, a current mum in a step family, and a current step mum), which probably all need to be taken into account.
Yes, DS may have some 'only child' traits (I also speak as a self aware only child so no need for only children's parents to get defensive!), but that is almost impossible to prevent because of the very nature of being the only one, and it is no different to having the traditional traits of an oldest, middle or youngest child - these are just facts of life often.
However it can be very, very hard for a child to have new children come into their life and home who get to live by different rules, often more relaxed rules, and who therefore appear to have some sort of superiority, especially if said children actually believe they are superior!
Likewise, imagine the difficulty and conflict DSC feel about their dad now living with someone else and someone else's child while they live elsewhere. Potentially confounded by their DM stirring the pot (in some cases).
Then add a new baby into the mix - a new baby that belongs to both parents so makes ALL the DCs feel conflicted/resentful/scared/insecure!

Unfortunately life isn't always easy. And FWIW no everyone shouldn't necessarily decide they can't live with their partner till their DCs are grown up, and shouldn't have more babies - not just because some people believe this is right for them!

IMO, You can potentially work this out so that everyone gains in the long run (you and DH get a mostly happy family, DS gets some siblings and the life skills that go alongside, DCs learn some humility and respect, new baby gets a big happy blended family, everyone gets the benefits in the medium/long term), but that is absolutely dependant on your DH taking a good long look in the mirror and stepping up. This will only work if you approach it as partners. If there's a 'them and us' situation it needs to be adults and DCs predominantly. While it is them v you and DS, If DH is not prepared to work with you rather than against you, I can't see any other option but to extract yourself and DS from this situation where he (and you) are a second class citizen, because he has a right to be protected (and you have a right to be respected).

However, DH is probably afraid of alienating his DCs, and he may even genuinely not see their bad behaviour because he's so used to it (and you may not see DS's bad behaviour because you are so used to it - another fact of life). He feels as protective of his DCs as you do of yours, so this will be hard for him too.

I would seriously consider some couples counselling - not marriage guidance as such, but a mediator who can help you to work out the way forward. Privately it might be expensive, but not as expensive as a divorce, and I think that Relate offer family work.

I wish you the very best of luck. You are on a rocky road, but it doesn't necessarily have to remain rocky forever. It is going to take lots and lots of talking, probably some arguing, definitely some ups and downs, but hopefully it will be worth it. Lots and lots of luck. And get yourself glued to the step parenting area - people come from different perspectives, so it won't always be as supportive as you might hope, but it will be enlightening, will remind you that this and variations of this happens in many blended families so you are 'normal' and you will get some good advice :)

Kennington · 31/12/2016 10:34

Teenagers need support they may feel insecure. They will be seeing 4 children in a family and wondering how the pie will be cut for them - for time and money.
If they have a stepdad too then this may add to the difficulties for them.
Take a step back and keep your son separate from the situation for the time being until your dh sorts it out.

Ellisandra · 31/12/2016 10:35

Why on earth did you decide to have a baby? ShockConfused

Just - why?!!

kittybiscuits · 31/12/2016 10:36

I feel sorry for all the children. The step children are being let down by their father. He should be teaching them manners and boundaries, not egging them on to abuse you and your son. Your poor DS. I could not let that happen to my child. This would be a deal-breaker for me, to be so disrespected. But if it isn't for you, you should at least consider separate living arrangement to protect your son from the bullying, if nothing else.