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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 30/12/2016 19:54

I wouldn't make my children live like this for another day. It sounds like there is a lot of forced activity between teens that wouldn't ordinarily get along.

Lunar1 · 30/12/2016 19:55

The op can't make her dh do anything, the only thing she can control are her own choices. If he was going to change he would have done already.

Bauble16 · 30/12/2016 19:57

They do it as they know they can manipulate Dad. He puts them first probably out of fear and they are running rings round him. You need to give him an ultimatum. Decent parenting and respect for you too or your off

icy121 · 30/12/2016 19:59

OP read "stepmonster". Get DH to read it as well to understand where you're coming from. You can talk to your DH but if he's set on being a Disney dad there's fuck all you can do but disengage. Live under the same roof whilst they're there but don't try to blend your families. Focus on your son (how old is he btw?), be a team with him when the brats turn up and focus on your relationship ship with him and his as being a new big brother. Maybe DH will see them for what they are, maybe not.

SquinkiesRule · 30/12/2016 20:02

Once the Step kids have gone home, it's time for a massive sit down talk. This must be resolved by presenting yourselves to the kids as a united front. They will get worse. How will he feel when he loses another child who will be living with their Mum while he lives alone and can play disney Dad to his hearts content.

BIgBagofJelly · 30/12/2016 20:03

I'm usually really sympathetic to the step kids on these threads but they do sound outrageous. I mean they may be perfectly nice children that are just picking up a bad attitude from their mum or reacting to stress of a blended family but their behaviour is totally unacceptable especially towards your DS.

Realistically I would probably take a two pronged attack. Firstly you need to approach your DH and make it clear that he needs to back you up especially because your DS can't be bullied in his own home. Secondly I would make it clear you're interested in forming a relationship with them, maybe some one on one time with you where they're less likely to gang up against you and act like brats.

FannyCradock · 30/12/2016 20:05

Yanbu, they sound horrible, your poor dsSad

Waltermittythesequel · 30/12/2016 20:08

Your 'd'h is sticking by his dc no matter what.

You're not doing the same for your ds. It needs to end. And if that means sending your prick of a husband off with his nasty children then so be it.

mummydawn07 · 30/12/2016 20:09

they truly do sound like horrible spoilt little brats, I feel for you and your ds! but I agree with other posts, you dh really needs to put his foot down and show them who is the boss and adult, once he's taken them down a peg or 2 and made it crystal clear that he or you will not stand for this disgraceful behaviour and show them he means business, maybe talk to the mother of these kids too? explain how they are behaving, is she reasonable and mature enough for that though? but if I doesn't get resolved I would leave if I were you just tell you dh that you refuse to put you ds through that and that you are not happy with it either both yours and you ds feeling are getting hurt and it's not right our dh is allowing this to happen!! he is being treated like a doormat by his 2 teenage brats

mummydawn07 · 30/12/2016 20:10

your not our

puddingbunny · 30/12/2016 20:10

Quit trying to force it. You and DS don't like them and they don't like you. Just disengage and let their dad deal with them while you and DS do other stuff. I know this probably seems like letting them win but, like you say, life is too short to argue with fifteen-year-olds.

(I probably wouldn't be having a child with someone who seems to have no discernible parenting skills either, but oh well.)

debbs77 · 30/12/2016 20:15

I would be leaving. I'm sorry but no. Or sitting them all down and reading the riot act, including your husband.

My step children were part of the reason I left my ex. The eldest is nearly 14 and actually text me out of the blue the other day to apologise for her behaviour!!!

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 30/12/2016 20:15

Is your son you DHs son too or Ss? I find it awful that he favours his eldest two and. It his youngest. TBH he's a grown man and should treat them all equally Step or not. I don't know but our eldest two are 18 and 16 so not too far away in age and I would be horrified if they treated anyone like this, let alone family. Wish you all the best OP even though I've not been helpful.

RichardBucket · 30/12/2016 20:16

Agree with Waltermittythesequel. Your dickhead partner is putting his kids first and you need to do the same with his son. Ultimatum, that he treats them all the same (including appropriate discipline) or you leave with your son and your baby.

Fuckingnamechanged · 30/12/2016 20:25

Shameless place marking here. DH really needs to parent his children. You need to sit down and talk with him about how you will both be proceeding. They're nearly adults and they're acting like two year olds with a very evil streak. I would definitely ask the friends to go home and make sure the family have a meeting. If the kids can't improve their behaviour I would be considering leaving your dp, especially if he can't back you up. You can't put your son through this for the rest o the time he lives with you, it's not fair on him or you x

steff13 · 30/12/2016 20:29

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband once the kids leave. You need to present a united front to them. If he can't back you up, you need to leave for the sake of your son.

Crumbs1 · 30/12/2016 20:30

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EnormousTiger · 30/12/2016 20:32

It is not easy for any of you. They should not be rude although it may be something your son needs to hear that he is perhaps a little over weight.

Is it that you and your husband are from very different backgrounds with different views? I would not stop a child's money because of behaviour. They have to tolerate a step mother when they probably wish their parents were still together. However they seem to be quite hostile. Perhaps think of a lot of nice things you can both say about their mother and what a wonderful job she does to try to change all the dymamics here. Perhaps increase their allowances and talk about how they will be funded at university,.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2016 20:39

You have a dh problem, he needs to have your back, and discipline rude behaviour from his kids, yes they are adjusting, but they should not be behaving in the nasty and spiteful way that they are. I can see this being the death of your relationship if your dh does not support you, as noway could I put up with that behaviour towards myself or my kids.

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/12/2016 20:39

Perhaps increase their allowances and talk about how they will be funded at university,.
Yes why don't you reward them for bullying your Son and looking down their noses at you.

LadyVampire · 30/12/2016 20:40

The whole your and ds word against theirs is alrmingY.You are not one of the children but an adult and should be treated as such by your sc and your dh!

You need to speak tovyour dh asap and tell him you are equals and his kids are not more important than your son, they are all equal.

Owllady · 30/12/2016 20:42

Poor ds :( and poor you really
Why on earth did you decide to have a child with him?

triskellionoflegs · 30/12/2016 20:43

Crumbs1 'are you sure he isn't being a bit creepy and wiered towards the stepchildren? Him walking in naked on a girl sounds a bit odd. He must have heard her in the bathroom.

Well, if he was being creepy walking in the bathroom, and the OP has done it too, I guess you think the OP is also being creepy - seems more to me that the DSD should be locking the door - its clearly her thats being daft, or lazy.

Is he fat and lazy? No reason for him not to be 'sporty'. '
Are you for real?? It doesn't matter what size he is, they should not say spiteful things about his body! And did 'lazy' just come along as an extra you have inferred? Again, even if he is not the most motivated (and i don't think i read any particular evidence of that being an issue), why does that entitle these kids to come into his home and pick on him - they are plenty big enough to know better!

Finally, yes, anyone can be into sport if they wish, and equally, he doesn't have to be into sport at all if he doesn't want to. You write as if the stepkids are automatically right, and he needs to figure out how to please them at any cost :-/.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2016 20:43

enormous are you for serious, rewarding nasty spiteful and bullying behaviour towards op and her kids. Its not one word against the other, they are nasty towards op too, and in front of their dad, it does not look like they hide it.

badvocaattasteflump · 30/12/2016 20:45

I feel so sad for your poor DS. Don't alliw him to be bullied in his own home any longer Sad. Get DH on board now - if he refuses to sort out his entitled brattish DC I would be making plans to leave.