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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
DontEatTheSweets · 30/12/2016 20:47

It does sound a bit odd that he walked into the bathroom naked. Surely in a house with a teen stepsister he wouldn't walk around in the nude. You could imagine that the stepsister took interpreted it as creepy even if it was a total accident, and if she did interpret it as creepy you could also understand why she would lash out at him by teasing him. Confused

BTW have you posted before? Your posting style seems familiar.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2016 20:47

So what if ds is overweight and does not doe much exercise, is that reason to bully and be nasty to him! I would hate to do laps round the park in this cold weather and during the festive holidays, my idea of hell, I am a fairly sporty person who does kickboxing and cardio type exercise regularly.

DontEatTheSweets · 30/12/2016 20:49

It wouldn't be odd to walk into the bathroom accidentally and to find the person in the bathroom naked. It's the walking into the bathroom being naked that's peculiar.

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/12/2016 20:54

Why would he be caught naked on purpose tho, when the brats had already sniggered at his weight the day before.

Nataleejah · 30/12/2016 20:54

I'd be tempted to show them the criminal and the chav side of me

Fuckingnamechanged · 30/12/2016 21:03

Really want to know the outcome of this and whether OP would consider leaving if DP doesn't get his act together and start parenting his children properly.

Fuckingnamechanged · 30/12/2016 21:04

If they did any of this at school they'd be punished and any parent would be disgusted so why does he allow it at home?

gillybeanz · 30/12/2016 21:08

Your dh needs to step up and parent, it's ultimatum time, for the sake of your ds and self.
I couldn't be with a man who was such a push over and unable to stand up for what's right.
I feel so sorry for your ds, please remove him from this harmful environment.

lorralorraloren · 30/12/2016 21:08

If he cannot discipline his kids then leave the spineless fucker. My DHs ex used to encourage his kids to be disrespectful toward both of us yet he always nipped the shit toward me in the bud as first priority. He cannot be allowed to let his teenage kids treat you and your son like this especially when you are pregnant with his child. Your poor DS I feel so angry and upset on his behalf this is awful Sad

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 30/12/2016 21:09

No reason for him not to be 'sporty'.

How daft, not everyone is sporty! Plenty of people are terrible at / hate sport and are perfectly nice and successful, even healthy. (And one of the reasons people often hate sport is because of the mocking and bullying they get at school from people who are good at it.)

OP I'd say the opposite, don't ever try to encourage your DS to interact with them or do sporty stuff with them, but show him you love and respect him as he is and will help him avoid them. I would be leaving anyway tbh and telling DH exactly why. You mentioned that you work, so can you make a go of it with DS and new baby?

Or if you really don't want to end it with DH, look at setting up a separate home so that you never have to spend time with the stepkids.

Lunar1 · 30/12/2016 21:11

I'm sure you have posted this quite a while ago, the different backgrounds and looking down on your family. Plus lots more ring too many bells.

How long has this all been going on for?

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 21:12

Just disengage and let their dad deal with them while you and DS do other stuff. I know this probably seems like letting them win but, like you say, life is too short to argue with fifteen-year-olds.

This would be okay if I weren't having a baby with dh.

OP posts:
SomethingLikeFlying · 30/12/2016 21:13

Crumbs Your post Hmm... wtf?

DailyFail1 · 30/12/2016 21:15

If they can't be civil to you, and the house is yours too, you could insist on DH not having them over. Your DS is clearly being bullied and they are verbally abusing you too - you shouldn't take it.

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 21:15

Is it that you and your husband are from very different backgrounds with different views? I would not stop a child's money because of behaviour. They have to tolerate a step mother when they probably wish their parents were still together. However they seem to be quite hostile. Perhaps think of a lot of nice things you can both say about their mother and what a wonderful job she does to try to change all the dymamics here. Perhaps increase their allowances and talk about how they will be funded at university,.

I'm at from a different background to dh. Increase their allowance what for? And why?

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 30/12/2016 21:16

The children are old enough that you could file a harrasment order with the local police. A neighbour did it recently with stepkids of a similar age. Social services got involved and now the natural parent sees them at a centre.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 21:23

Your saying dh is prioritising his own birth kids and allowing ill treatment of your son
The step kids are unlikely to change behaviour if their significant adult e.g. Dad doesnt change
The step kids model their behaviour on their dad.so sort your dh treatment of your son

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 21:24

Just I feel like dh knows they are doing wrong but he's so worried about them not coming over he will ignore it. By ignoring it, it allows them to continue.

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 30/12/2016 21:27

Just I feel like dh knows they are doing wrong but he's so worried about them not coming over he will ignore it.

That's really common among non-resident parents, but you have to harden your heart and ignore his fears. You're your son's only advocate in that house against three of them.

IMissGrannyW · 30/12/2016 21:27

Is there any chance your DS can see his dad when the step kids come over to relieve a bit of tension with that? At least for some of the time?

Their behaviour as you describe it is clearly atrocious, but I wonder if they feel they get enough of their dad's attention, and are probably jealous of their step brother as it sounds like he's there a lot more than they are.

If you're pregnant, things are GOING to change. Good luck.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 21:28

They'll continue the poor behaviour until their significant adult e.g. Dad tells them stop
Maybe unwittingly your do has allowed and ignores you and your son being bullied
The solution to this is via your dh setting boundaries and sticking to them.

RandomMess · 30/12/2016 21:29

Well you have a DH problem which could be a relationship breaker...

Can you go and see a relationship therapist to see if it can be salvaged?

Pandamanda3 · 30/12/2016 21:32

Op feel so so sorry for you both, your right he's got blindfold on with his kids and I think a serious shock to prove your point may be needed to make him really really see how u feel!

Can you not pack a bag & u and your ds go to a friend family members maybe?

With the pretence your leaving (even if you don't) you may give him a nudge to open his bloody eyes.

Your pregnant ffs how awful of him.

And they should know better.

Is your gp good? Can you maybe get gp to explain stressed and anxiety isn't doing you baby or son any good?

Just escape put your foot down hunny and blank the brats x

Ragwort · 30/12/2016 21:37

Why are you having another child with this man? He doesn't seem able to parent his exisiting children properly.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 30/12/2016 21:38

I'd tell my DH that he either backs me up and accepts that as his wife, you are not the one telling lies or that's the end. Your poor DS, I feel really sorry for him and your new baby as I imagine your step children are going to be just as spiteful and nasty to the baby too. Think about how it will feel to that child, growing up with that. You really need to prioritise your son here.

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