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To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 02/01/2017 15:21

Natural siblings have grown up together though, and so while they might not get on, there is invariably still some kind of bond, and people expect natural siblings to not get on, whereas people expect step siblings to get on and if they don't for there to be some blame.

She's fifteen. She lacks the maturity and tact to put her point across in an eloquent way, and therefore she lashes out at the other fifteen year old who also lacks the same maturity, so conflict is inevitable.

And the reality is that if she stopped going to her dad's because of the SM and the new baby etc she would be considered to blame for that as well. DSC can't win whatever they do.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:23

You don't know there is no way it is as the op says. You don't know the family do you? I don't think a load of people guessing on here are going to come up with anything like the real situation.
The op has described a situation where the sc was rude to her face and the dh didn't believe her in the op. So the sk clearly know they can o what they like and lie and daddy will take their side.
And if I got out of the shower and put a towel around me I would describe myself as naked as I wasn't wearing clothes. But then I'm not looking to pick holes in everything the op says.

WannaBe · 02/01/2017 15:27

Perhaps not, but I do know enough of these situations to know that there is generally three sides, the DS's side, the DSM's side, and the real story which is generally somewhere in the middle.

snapcrap · 02/01/2017 18:17

Of course we don't know the exact situation and we are not flies on the wall. But there are plenty of us that have lived in step families, know step families and know full well what is likely to be going on. I'm not demonising the OP, but I most certainly believe there are other perspectives here, some very unhappy children and a father who is torn to shreds. The fact he keeps backtracking on OP's punishment with his kids says it all. It's a bit silly to call him a Disney Dad since Op has said they spend every week with them (and mum on weekends). That doesn't make sense.

HannahSmithson45 · 02/01/2017 18:32

The fact he keeps backtracking on OP's punishment with his kids says it all. It's a bit silly to call him a Disney Dad since Op has said they spend every week with them (and mum on weekends). That doesn't make sense.

It is because he really loves them and likes the current arrangement of weekdays. He worries that they will change arrangements if he punishes them or acts strict.

It's impossible to know full story, I myself suspect something else is involved in this perhaps my son or I have done something that has offended them or annoyed them. I am not entirely sure.

In regards for pregnancy it was never planned I never went and said to dh let's try for a baby. It just happened (I guess you could say an accident).

Today has been a lot better, hopefully with the kids going back to school things will calm down.

OP posts:
HannahSmithson45 · 02/01/2017 18:32

Actually it could be something school related I don't know about as ds and step daughter go to the same school.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 02/01/2017 19:09

So naked with a towel, it's not hard to get

Having a towel wrapped round him is not naked.

But to be honest in this particular household perhaps the most sensible solution would be to get undressed in the bathroom or wear a dressing gown.

Actually I feel sorry for all the children involved for having parents who are forcing them into this situation whether they like it or not

Agreed.

EnormousTiger · 03/01/2017 09:50

I think it's very hard to be a teenager and to have a step parents foisted on you. I am very glad my chidlren have never had to tolerate another man living here as families have such different views (I have never punished a teenager for example and my teenagers are fit, run, work out, aren't fat and I also think there the two families may simply be a bit different perhaps in class terms? Inevitably it is hard).

I suppose we all need to remember even in families which are not melded or broken homes Christmas brings out the worst (divorce lawyers and psychiatrists never get as many calls as at this time of year) so it will as said above all calm down now.

It is very hard to meld two different forms of bringing up children and once they are teenagers it's probably better not to try and just each parent be a parent to their own child only and just wait it out until the children leave for univesrity and the problem goes away. the harder issue is if you have different views on bringing up a child you will reconcile those with the new baby.

MagicChicken · 03/01/2017 12:13

*it was never planned, I guess you could say it was an accident.'

Well was it, or wasn't it? If one or both of you were knowingly being lax on numerous occasions with BC then that's really much of an accident, was it?

An accident is when you were trying to prevent a baby and unfortunately it didn't work. The way you are phrasing it makes me think you were playing fast and loose with BC and tempting fate. Maybe because it's what you wanted and you knew if you said 'let's have a baby' he'd come up with lots of reasons not to.

If that's what you did then at least admit it. Don't be all coy with your 'I guess you could call it an accident.'

No wonder there are mutterings about you being a gold digger. I was largely on your side until that comment. Now I'm thinking maybe they have a point.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/01/2017 12:18

If one or both of you were knowingly being lax on numerous occasions with BC then that's really much of an accident, was it?

Errrrr condoms can break. No contraceptive is 100% safe.

All these 'gold digger' comments are completely unnecessary and extremely rude.

If her DH didn't want any more DC then maybe should have had a vasectomy then, but no its far easier for people to blame the woman isn't it.

Tippytappytoes · 03/01/2017 12:24

How fucking rude to insinuate the OP is a gold digger. I must have missed the memo that only people who earn a similar wage can fall in love and get married.

Manumission · 03/01/2017 12:27

Men can indulge in ambivalent contraceptive roulette too FGS.

LaurieMarlow · 03/01/2017 12:36

Sometimes I despair of this site.

How disgusting to call the OP a gold digger. Based on what exactly? And what, precisely, is the problem with marrying/having a baby with someone richer than you?

Magic chicken, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You seem to have some bizarre personal vendetta against a woman you've never met. What's that about?

Soozikinzii · 03/01/2017 12:38

A lock on the bathroom door might save future issues?

Manumission · 03/01/2017 12:40

I'm quite worried about magic's evident issues at this point TBH.

Ellisandra · 03/01/2017 12:49

I also really feel for the stepchildren - all 3 of them.

My fiancé and I are delaying our marriage and living together for 2 years until his youngest teen goes to university - both teens are aware of when the change will happen, and that we're waiting. We're also planning to keep his house on (he'll move in with me, and eventually he'll let his out) for at least the first year so we can see how it works out with who lives where.

We are desperate to live together! But just don't think it's fair to impose on 2 late teen girls that they HAVE to live with a stepmother and a much younger stepsister. And in our case, everyone gets on!

Blended families aren't always right for the children.

Maybe it's different for us because my fiancé is a widower so his teens would have to accept the new household full time.

But we think, what's a few more years when we'll be together for many years?

Imagine your worst nightmare house share - but without any of the power, the ability to move, and with added expectation to be a "family"... adults wouldn't like it, yet too often it is forced on teenagers.

And unplanned pregnancies just makes it worse!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2017 14:12

Ellisandra brilliant post.

Imagine your worst nightmare house share - but without any of the power, the ability to move, and with added expectation to be a "family"... adults wouldn't like it, yet too often it is forced on teenagers

You and your partner sound so mature, thoughtful and considerate.

Flowers
Ellisandra · 03/01/2017 14:43

Thanks Lass
To be fair, we only have to wait 2 years, we have no financial pressure pushing us to combine homes and we live 10 minutes drive apart - so everything is in our favour.
Still frustrating!
I am still forcing a new adult on my 8yo - but she adores him!
It would be very hard to not combine homes for another TEN years!
But for late teens, I really see little excuse to throw them all together for the adults' sake when it's so little time to wait.

hotdiggedy · 03/01/2017 18:08

Who knows if the op is a gold digger but it certainly looks to be a case of 'well, I've got myself in a good secure position here for myself and my son and I'm not letting anyone mess this up for me.' Having a baby at a time when things are so stressful seems to only confirm this.

Who can blame the op. We all want better in life, it's just a real shame she is hell bent on portraying the husbands children in such a bad light. It almost reads that she wants the husband to start coming down hard on them and punishing them to the point that he starts to dislike them.

EnormousTiger · 03/01/2017 18:26

I would do the Ellis way if I did it at all - although after 20 years married and now divorced I don't think I really want a man living in the house and the best thing I've given the children in the last few yhears is not to move a man in . I earn a fair bit so we don['t in our case need a man for money and nor will I have more children.

I suspect in the original poster's case the first question is can the father really afford even more children and still provide for the first ones? If he can't he should have had the snip. Let us not blame only women when babies that cannot be easily afforded or will damage teenage lives or make it harder to support children at university when they go, arrive.

Tippytappytoes · 03/01/2017 18:36

So babies only come at the right time, when things aren't stressful? How do you know the OP (and her dh, who was also involved in the conception btw) didn't find out until late when there weren't many options left? But no, it must have been part of the OPs devious plot to trap her a rich man.

Women really are our own worst enemies sometimes.

bumsexatthebingo · 03/01/2017 19:17

I think I must be reading a different thread to some people on here. So the dh didn't want kids and the op is trying to get him to hate them now????

angeldelightedme · 03/01/2017 19:28

So babies only come at the right time,

I am sure the Op know how to stop babies coming Hmm

bumsexatthebingo · 03/01/2017 19:35

Not the dh though. The gold digging op has impregnated herself and he was powerless to stop it.

Tippytappytoes · 03/01/2017 19:50

So all contraception failures are women's fault, because we know how to stop babies coming? Gotcha!

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