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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 31/12/2016 10:51

Well she has and she can't send the baby back so stupid unhelpful comments directed at pregnant woman are uncalled for

TaliDiNozzo · 31/12/2016 10:56

As gets said so often on MN, you have a DH problem. A serious sit down discussion with him is in order as he is doing no one any favours. He sounds at best like a wet weekend, at worst an absolute shitbag. But either way you can't let this go on for the sake of your own DS.

The children's behaviour sounds vile and there is no way I'd put up with it. The trouble is those kids have been trained to behave that they can get away with murder. Your DH is the only one who has a shot at reforming that but he has to be consistent and has to grow a backbone.

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2016 10:57

It sounds to me as if this whole household is sad, resentful and hurt.
The step children don't sound very nice in as much as (I'm assuming) they come from a more affluent background and think they are superior and that goes someway to why they resent the OP because they feel she's after their dad's money.
They resent having to spend time with OP's son because he isn't sporty like them and they have nothing in common.
It seems they have their mum running down the OP and her family and so they might feel they were being a traitor if they allowed themselves to like OP.
Then there's a new golden baby on the way.
All in all, they're probably pretty angry right now.
Doesn't excuse their behaviour at all but maybe a reason for it???

I also feel for your DS. He may feel inferior to them? He may resent another man being in his home instead of his dad?
The going into the bathroom naked is a bit weird imo. Is he being mindful that there are other people in the house that he needs to consider too?

Three teenagers with raging hormones plus anger needs handling properly. I'm not sure the step children's father or the OP are meeting these needs.

I certainly wouldn't be bringing a baby into the mix personally but bit late for that now!

Ellisandra · 31/12/2016 10:59

Are pregnant women a protected species, not fully fledged adults so like children and kittens we have to be kinder of poor decisions?

No, she can't send the baby back. But she can recognise that having a baby in a shitstorm was a poor decision and that as she can't undo the baby, she should consider undoing the shitstorm.

Which means getting her husband on board to not accept and sort out the children's behaviour (be it that reading the riot act or family counselling, I don't know which is appropriate) or by leaving him.

Bobochic · 31/12/2016 11:03

TBH, it's only going to be good for your DS if he follows his step siblings' example and gets into sport/fitness.

fourkids · 31/12/2016 11:07

Bobochick, why?
My DC have different interests to DSC, and they have different interests to each other. This is not a problem. In fact we are a big, happy, blended family and we all have varied interests...

kittybiscuits · 31/12/2016 11:10

Can't imagine what that's got to do with anything!

fourkids · 31/12/2016 11:13

Kittybiscuits, probably nothing - I was just wondering why the DS has to become 'sporty'...

kittybiscuits · 31/12/2016 11:16

Yes so was I - sorry it was a response to Bobochick's comment, not yours.

fourkids · 31/12/2016 11:22

Ah, over sensitive! :)

Crumbs1 · 31/12/2016 11:24

He doesn't have to become 'sporty' although a bit of exercise is good in all sorts of ways. If, as comes across to me from post, he is a couch surfer who is babied and spoiled by mother then he might well need to understand that he is the only person who can stop himself being a victim. I am not blaming him but suggesting he can be part of the solution to his own ills and at 15 needs to take some responsibility for how people react to him. A bit more confidence (which exercise and improved physique gives), a bit less blubbering and tale telling, and less creepy behaviour towards step sister might be to his advantage. Very rarely are these things one sided.
Mother needs to treat stepchildren more kindly and find their good sides. Father needs to encourage courtesy from all. With a new baby on the way clear boundaries need to be set for all.

Newbrummie · 31/12/2016 11:25

When I was at uni I was a good size 14, larger drinking smoker. Now I'm ripped and love sport and fitness. It's something you can only change yourself not be ridiculed into. I thought that attitude went out with the ark

hotdiggedy · 31/12/2016 11:25

I'm wondering what they background story is to all of this. What have you done to help his children warm to you op? Do all the children go to the same school? This must be absolutely huge for them to deal with. You seem to be dismissive of that fact. Sounds like a sad situation all round. Yes a baby was probably not a good idea but nothing can be done about that now. Does their dad get time just with the children? They are teenagers so you should probably expect them to react to this situation in a bad way, they will be full of resentment amongst other things. It was very odd that your son wandered to the bathroom with no clothes on btw!
The cause of these problems has been you and the dad so now you need to figure out how to fix things and forcing the dad to discipline his children and get them out of the way isn't the way to do it.

fourkids · 31/12/2016 11:33

Hmm from the OP, I'd say a bit of discipline for DSC wouldn't go amiss myself!

The challenge is combining that with all the other tricky aspects of this IMO.

Bobochic · 31/12/2016 11:36

Indeed, Crumbs1. I doubt the DSC are all bad and I doubt the OP and her son are perfectly mannered!

Bobochic · 31/12/2016 11:37

A bit of discipline for the DS wouldn't go amiss either.

Manumission · 31/12/2016 11:38

Oh bless you Bobo. I love your interesting angles on things Smile

Bobochic · 31/12/2016 11:52

There isn't much point to threads if the only permitted angle is to agree with the OP.

Manumission · 31/12/2016 11:53

No, of course. And you are genuinely a very different voice on these threads.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/12/2016 11:55

You are being sneered at and disrespected by your stepkids. Your husband wants you to apologise to them and won't discipline them.

Why stay? It's not making anyone happy.

SomethingLikeFlying · 31/12/2016 12:33

Why should the op's son follow in his stepsibling's footsteps? They're sporty, he isn't. It definitely doesn't mean they are better than him and that he must follow suit. He is his own person and he isn't interested in their hobbies. So no I don't think he should follow in their footsteps at all.

Fuckingnamechanged · 31/12/2016 12:41

Literally cannot see why you would want to stay with someone who doesn't do anything about his own kids saying you're a gold digger... In my eyes he must agree with it on some level if he doesn't take offence to that statement when she says it.

Nataleejah · 31/12/2016 13:04

If OP's son is 'big', would be more sensible to direct him into weightlifting, boxing, or wrestling. Not running with his snooty step-siblings.

As for those kids, a lot depends on circumstances of parents' split up, and what their mother is feeding them. If their father walked out on them and took his money to the new family, of corse they'd feel resentful.

WannaBe · 31/12/2016 13:21

But we are only getting the OP's side of the story here. Of course her son is going to be the victim and the DSC, who she likely didn't really want to be part of the equation in the first place, are horrible, nasty bullies.

I wonder how this post would read from the father's perspective? He felt the OP needed to apologise to his DD, why is that I wonder?

And there's always someone who says this is obviously the mother feeding them this nastyness, maybe in fact these teenagers just universally don't like each other, don't want to be made to live in the same house, and worst of all, become siblings through another baby. But as usual the adults in this situation have thrown their children together without thought for the fact that just because the adults love each other, the children might not.

FWIW I think that men often can't win in these situations. Because there is either an expectation on them to prioritise their new partner, in which case the kids feel pushed out, or they prioritise their DC, in which case the new partner feels victimised. It's very difficult to find a middle ground in these situations where everyone's point of view is taken into consideration, because invariably someone feels hard done-by.

WannaBe · 31/12/2016 13:25

As for saying that the DD should put a lock on the bathroom door, how is it the DD's responsibility to protect herself from a fifteen year old wandering in naked? Confused and how should the DD be expected to be responsible for the fact he was naked on the landing before he actually entered the bathroom? The only person at fault for a naked fifteen year old wandering round the house and into the bathroom is the naked fifteen year old.

FWIW I don't have a lock on my bathroom door. It's very simple, if the door's closed then you knock. Not exactly rocket science.

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