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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 21:40

How long have you been together ?

MagicChicken · 30/12/2016 22:22

I think you've posted about this issue before, haven't you? You seem to be constantly having to defend your son against them. It sounds very familiar.

Honestly, I REALLY don't see the appeal of blended families, they sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth are people so desperate to move in together and so insistent on forcing their children to try to get along when it's so stressful and fraught with difficulty?

What on earth is wrong with just having a LTR where you keep your independence, keep your families separate and your main priority is the happiness and wellbeing of the children you already have? Why is it so unthinkable to live apart until they've all grown up and left home, and what's the big obsession with wanting to have another child when you both already have your own? Confused

To be honest your DS does sound a bit wet and spineless and I think perhaps you baby him, but that's not really the point. He should be able to feel comfortable in his own home without being bullied and ridiculed and you shouldn't have to tolerate being insulted by a couple of stroppy teenagers either.

It's as clear as day that they don't like or respect you at all and don't like your son. I just don't understand why you are putting yourself and your son through this and having another baby seems like a terrible idea under the circumstances.

It's so difficult and stressful and unfair on the people who haven't chosen to be in this situation and don't wish to be part of it - and that includes your stepchildren as well as your own son - why bother?

I don't think there is a magical solution to this and I don't see it getting any easier I am afraid. I would say the only answer would be to try to spend as little time all together as a 'family' as possible. Don't force it. In fact, actively avoid it. Let your DH see his children alone as much as possible and if they need to be at your house for a weekend then try to go out and do things separately with your son, or arrange for him to be at his dads or grandparents or a friend's house as much as possible and busy yourself with other things. Be civil and polite to them but don't engage any more than is absolutely necessary don't put yourself in a position where they get to press your buttons. They aren't interested in forming a good relationship with you or your son so don't waste your time.

wherearemymarbles · 30/12/2016 22:34

They think you are a gold digger and to get your claws even further into their dads wallet you have coerced him into having a baby with you.

Its not going to get better and they wont accept you or your son or your baby.

Your husband is really betwen a rock and a hard place, back you and lose 2 of his kids or....

I do agree with the pp about blended families, i couldn't / wouldnt do it, let alone having even more kids as if a marriage isnt a marriage unless you have children together.

Good luck op but I think you're in for a rough time

Beebeeeight · 30/12/2016 22:42

It's a huge mistake to bring another DC into this mess.

Step parenting is hard enough when relations are good.

Your job is to prioritise the child you have.

Protect your ds.

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 23:10

With the pretence your leaving (even if you don't) you may give him a nudge to open his bloody eyes.

Good idea.

OP posts:
GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 23:17

No, I think hollow gestures like pretending to leave are unhelpful and manipulative
If you genuinely want to leave,then do.don't pretend to go to elicit a response
What if you pretend to go,and he says ok,and chooses the step kids.youre presuming he'll chase you

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2016 23:43

YANBU but I can see the point of and sympathise with all parties:
Your DH is terrified that if he comes down too hard on his children they can and may well choose not to have further contact with him and he could lose them from his life.
Your stepkids (even though they aren't far off grown up) feel pushed out and replaced in their dad's affections and are acting out (appallingly but, still)
You and your son have done nothing wrong (as far as we know) and the situation is untenable for you.

I don't know what I would do. Certainly leave for the short term, I think, and see if that sparked a change.

CookieDoughKid · 30/12/2016 23:48

Your problem is your dh. Not the step children. The step kids will play to their advantage every time because their dad call them up on the serious stuff.

If it was me, I would look to move out or have him move out and raise the child on my own than live with an unsupporting dh and his kids. You don't need to split up but you don't need to live with their shit either.

Your step children don't like you or your son so why are you and your dh forcing them to spend time with you? They only want to be with their dad. Sure they are family but they are adult enough and you can't force them. I would steer clear of them with a long barge poll and reset your expectations of them to a more superficial relationship. Let your dh spend time with his kids on his own. For now, that would be better until they learn to grow up.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 23:49

Leave and go where short term?how do you explain to your son you're only pretending
I think leaving to elicit a response is risky.What if your son is happy for you to go
What if dh doesn't chose you?choses the step Kids?youre gambling on an expectation of his response
Whilst pg I can't see why you'd chose more drama.youve got enough goin on

CookieDoughKid · 30/12/2016 23:49

because their dad won't call them up on the serious stuff I mean.

WannaBe · 30/12/2016 23:50

There is fault on all sides here, and I agree with a PP that we only have one side of the story, and it's ime very rarely this black and white.

From the children's perspective, they don't like each other, (they don't have to,) they don't like you, (they don't have to,) and yet rather than deal with the issues that already exist you decide to have another baby? What in God's name were you thinking?

The DSC sound somewhat obnoxious if what you said happened actually happened in the way it did. But tbh your DS sounds like a spoiled mummy's boy who seems to be a bit sneaky in his behaviour. Seriously, crying constantly? He needs to be told to get a bit of a grip and learn to stand up for himself. He's fifteen not five, and if he doesn't pull himself together he's going to have it bloody hard in the real world. And walking into the bathroom naked? To be absolutely blunt that sounds like incredibly sneaky behaviour designed to get the DSD's back up and provoke another argument so he could play the victim.

The DSC need telling that their behaviour isn't acceptable, but IMO everyone in the house needs to take a look at their own part in the situation. I don't think there are any victims here, but that the situation just isn't compatible.

magoria · 30/12/2016 23:50

They treated you and your DS like crap.

Your DH rewarded them with friends around and money for pizza.

You don't have a DStepChildren problem. You have a DH problem.

A serious sit down and discussion is in order about you and your DS being treated like this or you need to leave. Your DS should not have to live like this.

wherearemymarbles · 31/12/2016 00:04

I thinK Wannabe has hit the nail on the head.

Crumbs1 · 31/12/2016 00:13

Eloquently put Wannabe.

pandarific · 31/12/2016 00:19

They are horrible little shits and no, you ANBU. Is this half your house? Then it's your home, and they have no right to be awful to you. Time to go to live with mum if they can't be civil.

pandarific · 31/12/2016 00:23

I've been a bit harsh just now, I'm just angry on your behalf OP. But you should not be made to feel like shit in your own home. Your DH needs to get his head out of his arse and a) discipline his children and b) protect you, his wife and c) make it abundantly clear of the consequences of abusing you or your son.

GimmeeMoore · 31/12/2016 00:27

You're all enacting your own needs/preferences and they're diametrically opposed
The step kids,well they don't like you,probably never will.you represent what they don't want/like
Your son,doesn't like them.the stepkids bully him and his mum.and their dad moved in
You wish your husband would stick up for you,for your son.he doesn't

essentially no ones getting their needs met.no ones happy

So how do you want this to progress with a baby on the way?
Can your dh set Behavioural boundaries to step kids?
Any behavioural boundaries need to be equally applied all the kids,yours & his

MagicChicken · 31/12/2016 04:17

And walking into the bathroom naked? To be absolutely blunt that sounds like incredibly sneaky behaviour designed to get the DSD's back up and provoke another argument so he could play the victim.

Yes I agree with that and meant to add it in my last post. It seems extremely odd that your son should be wandering from room to room naked when he knows there are other people in the house. Most 15 year old boys don't want anyone in the family to see them naked, least of all step siblings who hate him and tease him for being fat.

And it's even odder when you consider that your justification for him being naked was that he was just about to have a bath, but he hadn't even run the bath yet. Who stands around naked in the bathroom for 15 minutes waiting for a bath to run?Hmm

Something he is telling you about this scenario doesn't quite add up and he sounds quite strange. I am also a bit surprised that she uses the bathroom without locking the door though. That's extremely unusual for a girl that age.

Manumission · 31/12/2016 04:27

Is it a jack n jill bathroom?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/12/2016 05:01

Is he fat and lazy? No reason for him not to be 'sporty'.

Aren't you delightful Hmm

Might be better to get him to assert himself and not encourage a victim mentality- he's hardly a baby so maybe needs to stop blabbing to you and sort himself out.

Right so someone is being bullied and your response is to victim blame. Nice.

december10th · 31/12/2016 07:00

I have some concerns about the bathroom incident. why was your D's walking to the bathroom naked when there are other people in the house? surely the second the door began to open it would have been apparent the room was occupied he could have stepped away and quickly closed the door without his body being seen? and why you talk about HIS privacy being invaded, when it was hers?
wrt the track running yabu to expect them to hang back and babysit your DS - it is not like goung for a walk! it would defeat the object! and if they were doing laps then they were not really leaving him behind anyway.also they probably felt your DS was gatecrashing their time with their father.
I do not see why your DSD got in trouble for talking to her own DM about you? she should be free to say what she wants to her own DM. how would you feel about this woman policing your conversations with your ds?
of course this does not excuse the step kids being unkind to your D's but I think you and your dh have created a shitty situation for all these teens. you have moved in with him and just expected them all to play happy families. why on earth you ate bringing another DC into this awful situation? it is beyond selfish!

ClarissaDarling · 31/12/2016 07:20

It sounds to me with the bathroom incident DSD was on her way out if dressing gown was on- if it is a houseful it is likely someone would have been in the bathroom- so why was DS naked already as pp have said? And bloody hell to the poster who said go to the police for a harassment order so the DSC go to a contact centre rather than the house?! Wtf?!!!

Devilishpyjamas · 31/12/2016 07:40

Agree with pp about two separate households being better for everyone. They're at war with your ds & you. Find your own space however you best can.

How often do they stay?

Chocolatecake12 · 31/12/2016 08:24

Sorry if I've missed it but how old is your ds?

RedHelenB · 31/12/2016 08:39

They sks do sound spoiled but i think your ds has been an only one for too long and is finding it hard having step siblings. Natural siblings can be horrid to each other as well you know! I think the bullying comments are a bit ott. For eg re the running yes they shoudn't have said it but is there a grain of truth in it?