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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 16:09

He'll blame it on your hormones, tell you not to go just before the baby comes, tell you it'll distrust your DS again. Don't go to your mums in the heat of the moment, start planning now. Do it calmly and organised.

Actually no why should I leave because HE can't parent his children. He should leave he's not carrying a child.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 16:11

Whatever works for you ☺️

angeldelightedme · 01/01/2017 16:17

op- you are being ridiculous .you cannot expect your dh to ground a 17 yr old- he is grown up!

MagicChicken · 01/01/2017 16:21

I think the fact that he is unwilling to see through punishments and sanctions that you have decided should be put in place shows that he doesn't see them as totally to blame. Or that he does but he thinks there are mitigating factors.

I think insisting on punishments and groundings might not be the right approach. I'd be focusing in sitting down and speaking to them calmly about how upset you are to see them upset as well as your own son and that you would like to see a solution. Ask them what they think that solution might be. What would they like to happen in order for them to feel less hard done by? Turn it back on them.

How many weeks pregnant are you? You say it wasn't planned and 'just happened' - what was your DHs reaction to it? How long have you been together and how long had your DH been living apart from his ex when you came on the scene?

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 16:22

op- you are being ridiculous .you cannot expect your dh to ground a 17 yr old- he is grown up!

Well how would you punish a 17 year old then. They need to face consequences for their actions.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 16:24

Here we go 17 years are grown ups - except when they need finances, emotional support, physical support, education and everything else in the world providing for and doing for them ... Then they are still children on MN. Good luck Hannah.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 16:27

I think insisting on punishments and groundings might not be the right approach. I'd be focusing in sitting down and speaking to them calmly about how upset you are to see them upset as well as your own son and that you would like to see a solution. Ask them what they think that solution might be. What would they like to happen in order for them to feel less hard done by? Turn it back on them.

I completely agree and we will be definitely be doing this later today, it is important. In regards to punishment it isn't the actual punishment but the show of solidarity dh has with me against bullying behaviour.

Me and dh have been together for 3 years married. We had a year and half after that of being in a relationship. So I have been with for him for about 5 and half years. We have been living together about 2 years and half. We have had 3 family holidays together. We decided to move slowly. Dh divorced about 8 months before he met me.

Dh was very pleased with news of the pregnancy.

OP posts:
Milklollies · 01/01/2017 16:31

I've read only the first 6 pages but it seems likely that crumbs might be the mother of the brats.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 16:32

Oh and I'm 12 weeks pregnant but told the kids 6 weeks ago.

I guess on a positive note things have been better despite dh actions.

OP posts:
liletsthepink · 01/01/2017 16:35

Is the house owned or rented? Is it in both your names? If it's rented or owned in your name then DH should leave.

Crumbs1 · 01/01/2017 16:38

Thanks milklollies but no. I have six adult (just) children who are all kind, tolerant and successful in their own right. It is because I understand that these things are rarely one sided and because I think it is horrible to allow a child to grow into an adult blaming the world for their woes that I may seem harsh - when in reality it is very unkind to try and protect children from self awareness. If we do not teach resilience, confidence and emotional intelligence we do the next generation a huge disservice. We, as parents, need to support them to deal with challenges not try and smooth every bump on the path to maturity.

MagicChicken · 01/01/2017 16:43

Eh? Am I being a bit thick, only I don't understand that last post at all. Confused

Me and dh have been together for 3 years married. Been together for three years or married for 3 years?

We had a year and half after that of being in a relationship. After what? After getting married? Confused

So I have been with for him for about 5 and half years. Three years plus 1 and a half makes four and a half.

We have been living together about 2 years and half.. But married for three years? Confused

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 16:43

Is the house owned or rented? Is it in both your names? If it's rented or owned in your name then DH should leave.

So mortgage is joint. So both of us own it but dh pays most of mortgage.

OP posts:
HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 16:47

Yh sorry magic that could be confusing.

. Married 3 years officially.
. Me moved in about 4 months after we married.

.however from when I met dh to today about 5 and half years. We dated for a few months and had been partners since about 5 years.

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 01/01/2017 16:57

I think you just have different views. I have never punished any of my five children. Our family ethos is not like that and one reason I've never remarried is it is hard to find someone who will have the same family ethos as you. My children would never tell an over weight step siblig it is fat (even if there is a serious need to lose weight) however.

If you are considering splitting up I would wait. You are pregnant and these teenagers will be away at university soon so only home half the year when they go (3 of mine have been to university already and these years go by very quickly). Your own son will also be away too before you know it and it will only be children in holidays (and the new baby at home with you and your husband).

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 16:59

If the teens were behaving like adults then maybe the op should treat them that way but while they live in the family home of course they should have to respect basic rules such as being civil to the people you share a home with.

MagicChicken · 01/01/2017 17:22

Hannah are you not English?

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 17:24

Hannah are you not English?

Well half English half Welsh.

OP posts:
Soozikinzi · 01/01/2017 17:26

I think the letter idea was very good and the explanations and clearing of the air has been good .I can actually see that your DH thought it was a good idea for the 17 year old to play football and let of some steam .I think blended families are very difficult and yes I do have I grown up SS. I think as some others have said you will be surprised how quickly they will be off to uni or whatever .Keeping things fairly separate until then should be workable and I sincerely hope it will be xx

MagicChicken · 01/01/2017 17:28

Is Welsh your first language? It doesn't matter in the least but I am just finding some of your sentences a bit unusually constructed so I wondered if English was not your first language.

Was there any reason you got married a few months before you actually started living together? That's unusual.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 17:34

*Is Welsh your first language? It doesn't matter in the least but I am just finding some of your sentences a bit unusually constructed so I wondered if English was not your first language.

Was there any reason you got married a few months before you actually started living together? That's unusual.*

Sorry to anyone reading I'm on a phone so It ends up getting a bit jumbled.

Mainly because we were house hunting for somewhere close to dh ex and my family.

OP posts:
Rinmybell · 01/01/2017 17:45

Sorry but they're way to bloody old to be acting out so appallingly at the news of another baby?
Sounds like you and DP have been together for a while? So it's not a new relationship for them to get their head round either?
My 2DS are actually around this age and have very similar circumstances thrown at them this past year and neither of them would ever dream treat our stepmum or her kids like that.
Your DH needs to make a stand. They're behaviour is not okay.
Give them space and don't pander to the attention seeking, negative attention is still attention.
If there behaviour improves then begin engaging with them more again and rewarding that behaviour.
Are they interested in the baby at all? How old are the other children?

Rinmybell · 01/01/2017 17:50

Sorry I see we are way past advice from the first post now. How I didn't see 12 pages to begin with I don't know.
Good luck OP Flowers

Rinmybell · 01/01/2017 17:52

And meant my 2 sisters not sons.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 18:08

No I understand why dh did what he did. But it's barely a day since we started the punishment.

OP posts:
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