Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 01/01/2017 19:14

I can understand you anger with dh op. He was too quick to go back on the punishment. His exdw sounds dreadful though and the children clearly prefer being in your home. I think calm down and step back a bit, you are already doing everything you possibly can. Sometimes with teenagers you just have to start fresh the next day and don't drag the punishment out.

As for some of the posters on here, you are unbelievable. I hope to God I never have the misfortune of meeting you bullies in real life. You need a slap. You turned this whole thread that's already about a tricky volatile stressful situation into an opportunity to fat shame and humiliate a 15 year old boy and attack his mother while she is down, all anonymous online of course. Op. Just ignore them, some of these posters have some mad issues.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 19:45

Spoken to all the children now to let them know that insults will not be tolerated. Very long talk over dinner. Stepson was okay with it as was my son and dh. Step daughter however didn't take it too good. She said that I am pushing her and her brother out and that all I care about is my son.

OP posts:
Tabymoomoo · 01/01/2017 22:50

I'm afraid you are going to have to accept you will probably never win over your step daughter.
All you can do is make it clear that the stepchildren are both loved and welcome in your home but they should know what behaviour will and won't be tolerated. There should be clear consequences if they disrespect you or treat your ds badly. Make sure the consequences both you and dh are prepared to follow through on otherwise there's no point at all.

But at the end of the day you can't force them to like you. Dsd sounds like she has major resentment and you're unlikely to change her mind. Just ignore it - be uber nice but firm with rules. You never know maybe one day she'll realise you're not actually that bad!

hotdiggedy · 01/01/2017 23:21

You seem very keen on having his son and daughter punished!

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 23:25

I'm sure the op would much prefer them to stop being horrible to her and her son.

hotdiggedy · 01/01/2017 23:33

I expect they are feeling very pushed out and that the op and her son have some how taken their place. I'm not convinced the op has done much to see it from their point of view.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 23:37

Well imagine how the op's son is feeling then. He's lost his father and now got to share his home with 2 other teens who are horrible to him and his mum while the step dad does nothing about it.

hotdiggedy · 01/01/2017 23:39

Actually I feel sorry for all the children involved for having parents who are forcing them into this situation whether they like it or not.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 23:41

Well people start new relationships with other people with kids every day. No-one is asking the dp's kids to be best friends with the ops ds - just not to be vile to him. Shouldn't be too much to ask of kids of that age.

Lunar1 · 01/01/2017 23:47

For the sake of all the children involved here, try and see this from an outside perspective. If you were reading what we all are you would run a mile. You and your husband are forcing a family that just isn't working.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 23:49

It's not working because the dh let his kids do what they like. If my dh did that then our family wouldn't be working either!

hotdiggedy · 01/01/2017 23:49

Well, I'm just trying to see things from their point of view. To be blunt, the op and her son have found someone who is able to offer them a better lifestyle (at least financially it would seem) so they are 'gaining ' whereas the husbands children are now going to be losing out financially plus they have to share their dad with a woman they don't seem to get on with and a boy the op herself describes as awkward. Plus they have a new baby to deal with.

Might sound harsh but that is how they will be seeing things I imagine.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 23:51

It's going to be a difficult adjustment for all the children. That doesn't mean that bullying behaviour shouldn't be challenged.

angeldelightedme · 02/01/2017 01:57

Do his kids live with you or just visit?

snapcrap · 02/01/2017 09:08

I think there is waaaaay more to this than we are getting.

For all the people saying that the dh needs to man up, I'm strongly suspecting dh thinks OP is not fair on his kids and is torn in two!

I am struggling not to project given my own traumatic teenage experience of a 'blended' family and not to feel very angry with you and people like you OP who drag kids into these scenarios because it's what you want.

Your last posts make it clear that nothing will ever be resolved because you are all pulling in different directions and your dh is unwilling to 'side' with you and your stepson.

I can't help but smart at all your 'unborn child', 'carrying a child' latest comments. You do know that teenagers don't give a flying shit about a new baby, it's just another headache for them. And bollocks did you fall pregnant by accident!

The writing letters crap - what about the other way round? Why did you have to just write to them about YOUR feelings and demand letters of apology in response? What about their feelings? Do you honestly know any teenagers that would respond favourably to that kind of critical letter and any that would want to respond with a sincere apology?

Look cut your losses, let your poor son have some peace and comfort for the rest of his teenage years. Leave the home or ask dh leave, get your ducks in a row. You know this isn't going to work out.

keekaw · 02/01/2017 09:18

My dss is now 19 and we are close. It's been so tough to get to this point. I think the reason we have is that we accepted each other's place in dh's life, and however fed up we got we always started each contact with a clean slate. One always starts afresh with one's own kid, and it's important (though less easy) to do that with stepkids too.

hotdiggedy · 02/01/2017 10:08

Well said snapcrap. Totally agree with your thoughts but I think we all know the op is never going to leave given that she now finds herself in a better lifestyle with the husband paying the majority of the mortgage. I can't help but think she will only rest when the stepchildren have had enough and they stop going over.

helennotsomadnow · 02/01/2017 12:37

sounds like a horrible toxic environment for all the dc, attempts to force them to play happy families when there is nothing further from the truth. Why are you encouraging your son to join in, would it not be nice if you sc had time alone with their father and you have time alone with your ds, it just sounds like you are trying to control every aspect of your dh life, trying to make him choose, that is never going to end well, surely encouraging him to have time with his children without you and your ds being involved, shows respect to the step children and how important they are to him, that could help to encourage a better relationship with them.

Why dont you pull them up over rudeness or bullying, dont make your dh do it all the time, although he should support you if they are rude in front of him, asking him to sort it out all the time is creating more divisions and resentment

Part of me does think If you are not all getting on after over 5 years there is not much hope, bringing a new baby into the mix is not going to make you all suddenly one big happy family its going to make things worse, bringing more resentments from your dss and dsd to the surface.

Misstic · 02/01/2017 13:27

If there is bullying involved, I wonder who is guilty of that bullying. Constantly being on the SCs case, making the feel that they are always in the wrong, trying to control the DH and SCs and trying to force the SCs to have a relationship with you and your son. I cannot see this situation getting better and your relationship with the SCs is broken. Your SD is more open about her feelings. I believe your SS feels the same but prefers to just draw a line. They are approaching 18 and I thinK they will soon avoid you and your son at all cost.

Misstic · 02/01/2017 13:32

Bear in mind your DH enjoys being with his kids and they share a love for sports. It doesn't sound like your son and your husband have much in common. If SCs avoid spending time with their father because they want to get away from all this, then you are likely to be blamed but your DH and his kids. They may not say it to your face bit deep down their will be that though accompanied by resentment. I'm not saying it is right but the possibility of this happening is high.

Manumission · 02/01/2017 13:34

Completely wandered into fiction now 🙄

snapcrap · 02/01/2017 13:35

I know a family very similar to yours and all that happens is once or twice a week, there is a another Big Talk. Which is really the step kids getting a lecture and hearing how much they have upset their step mother, then things are 'better' for a few days. Then shit goes off. Repeat to fade. Of every 'blended' family I know, I can only think of literally one that is genuinely harmonious. And there is always at least one kid left emotionally damaged. I'm nearly 50 and I'm still hurt about stuff that went down over 30 years ago in my awful step family.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/01/2017 13:38

And bollocks did you fall pregnant by accident!

Know the OP then do you? no thought not

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/01/2017 13:39

Completely wandered into fiction now

Yep I agree.

It seems SM are now like MIL on MN and are apparently all awful to the extent that even victim blaming and bullying is ok by some.

Manumission · 02/01/2017 13:42

It's like people strolling onto threads announcing that they deduce the presence of little green men somewhere in the story and why hasn't OP mentioned them?

Completely barking mad.

Swipe left for the next trending thread