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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 13:25

I'll say it again the boy was perfectly happy with his mother not so long ago. Over Weight or not, he was happy.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/01/2017 13:36

Why is everyone focusing on the weight of OP's son?

The dsc are being spiteful bullies - that's the problem. If he was thin they would pick on something else. They see the whole stepmum and her son as people who are taking their dad's time and love rather than spending it entirely on them. It's jealousy. The reason they are picking on her son is immaterial; it's the fact they ARE picking on him which is the issue.

Hmm
MagicMary1 · 01/01/2017 13:45

The dsc are being spiteful bullies - that's the problem. If he was thin they would pick on something else. They see the whole stepmum and her son as people who are taking their dad's time and love rather than spending it entirely on them. It's jealousy. The reason they are picking on her son is immaterial; it's the fact they ARE picking on him which is the issue.

Yes it is

Crumbs1 · 01/01/2017 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DailyFail1 · 01/01/2017 13:50

A BMI of 32 is not 'morbidly obese'. Chances are most people wouldn't even think he's anything but a bit chunky - men and boys look slimmer at higher bmis than women, especially if they're taller. My brother was a bmi 35 all throughout his teens, was 5 10, wore a size 34 waist, played sports and overnight at 19 all the puppy fat turned into muscle. It's the stepkids and dh who are being unreasonable not OP or her son!

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 13:52

That is a vile post Crumbs. The language in it is gratuitously rude. You don't know anything about the situation apart from what the OP has posted, so comments like 'constantly crying couch potato' and 'infantilised' are just pure speculation. I can only speculate myself at the reasons for why you would publish such a spiteful and unhelpful post. I suppose though that it should come as no surprise that you are unable to display even a shred of empathy for the OP, because your own behaviour is verging on bullying.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 13:55

But the op sad the step daughter was crying as well - despite not being overweight????
The son isn't crying because of his weight - he's crying because his step siblings are being vile to him.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 13:55

OP I am not normally one to advocate having a thread pulled. But in your shoes I would report this to MNHQ and ask them to delete it, because it has been completely derailed by a contingent of posters who seem determined to turn this into a conversation about weight. It is no help to you, as any advice about the situation which you have asked for opinions on, is being drowned out by the irrelevant posts berating you for having an overweight child.

I would re-post in the Step-parenting section, where you should be able to find people who will be more understanding of the dynamics of a blended family.

Sorry that you have had to put up with this crap Flowers

Olympiathequeen · 01/01/2017 14:02

Until you get DH onside wrt his children's bullying it will be difficult

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 14:03

MagicMary1

You have outdone yourself on this one. I'm not jealous of my stepchildren (despite them being superior to me and stepson in every way according to you.)

OP posts:
HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 14:08

An update on today things have been a lot better. Step kids gone out with dh for a run and generally they've been a bit nicer.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 14:20

Boys tend to grow out and then up too ... Mines too young to have direct experience but friends tell me that's the case. Ideally all their calorie intake required for this growth would be pure organic clean food, but realistically it's going to be a mixture

Misstic · 01/01/2017 14:25

OP, I must confess that I am puzzled by some of the things you say. You day that your son is a happy boy and was happy before you met your husband and his kids. Yet you also say that he was overeating as a response to the emotional trauma of losing his father and has continued to overeat until recently.

Whether it is helpful to you to be in denial about the part that his weight is playing in this is very questionable. Some posters on here say that it isn't but it very clear is part of the stress and tensions.

I wish you and your son the best of luck in his quest to lose the excess weight. I am sure he will find it puts him in a more positive frame of mind. Very, very few people are happy being obese.

Good luck. Peace and out.

Allthewaves · 01/01/2017 14:29

Shuffle routine. Let dh go for a run and you take ds for a walk or a swim

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/01/2017 14:34

Whether it is helpful to you to be in denial about the part that his weight is playing in this is very questionable. Some posters on here say that it isn't but it very clear is part of the stress and tensions.

It is part of the stress and tensions because the DSC are being mean and nasty and downright rude. It is that which is the issue not the weight!

They don't get a free pass to behave awfully because the step siblings maybe overweight.

Classic victim blaming.

fourkids · 01/01/2017 14:37

I'm with PaulDacresConscience, this post is in the wrong place and can't really be helping you, can it? I'd look for some support amongst posters with some similar experiences. I'm glad things are a bit better today. I hope you and DH can make it work.

liletsthepink · 01/01/2017 15:17

Op, even if things are better today, you really need to have a serious conversation with your DH about how unacceptable bullying your DS is and how much it has upset you. It will damage your relationship if DH doesn't stop his DCs behaving disrespectfully towards you and DS. If your DH is a decent man he will want to protect you and DS from further hurt. Unfortunately, if DH becomes defensive or nasty I think you would be better off leaving him in order to stop your DS being bullied.

The fact that your DS is overweight or not sporty is irrelevant to the point of this thread. Vile and nasty behaviour is unkind and can never be justified. Op, your DS needs you to stand up for him against your step kids no matter what the consequences are.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 15:43

Op, even if things are better today, you really need to have a serious conversation with your DH about how unacceptable bullying your DS is and how much it has upset you. It will damage your relationship if DH doesn't stop his DCs behaving disrespectfully towards you and DS. If your DH is a decent man he will want to protect you and DS from further hurt. Unfortunately, if DH becomes defensive or nasty I think you would be better off leaving him in order to stop your DS being bullied.

I have spoken to dh and he has been taking steps including talking to them today when they went out.

OP posts:
HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 15:46

Update:

Dh has broken the generally punishment letting stepson go to his friends and giving him money. They are supposed to be grounded for a week.

I said to dh why did you abandon the punishment he said that it's the last two days of the holidays and that it would be mean to make them stay in and that he would prefer his son to be out and playing football then stuck indoors watching to.

So frustrating honestly.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 15:48

HannahSmithson45. He's making his bed ... Let him lie in it. Alone.

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 15:49

Oh and dh says because he was good the morning and last night to me and ds.

Really pissed off now.

OP posts:
HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 15:51

If they act up again (which they will) I'm gone If ever boy or girl say a single word to me or ds.

I will move into my mums. If dh really wants to not live with his unborn child he's doing a great job of it ffs.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 15:52

And there is why his children behave the way they do. Be thankful that your son can lose weight. What your dh is teaching his kids will be much harder to fix.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 15:53

So if you know it is going to happen then don't wait. Don't wait for another scenario where you are emotional and upset and fed up, because it is easy then for him to dismiss your reaction as 'heat of the moment'. Take control now.

Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 15:55

He'll blame it on your hormones, tell you not to go just before the baby comes, tell you it'll distrust your DS again. Don't go to your mums in the heat of the moment, start planning now. Do it calmly and organised.

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