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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this creepy from DH?

185 replies

Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 11:37

My DH keeps trying to "catch" me naked when I'm getting dressed/undressed.
I've asked him not to do it as it makes me uncomfortable and not really in the right frame of mind to feel sexy/want sex. It's been a week or so since we last had sex due to having family stay, being away, staying up really late. He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked and what is wrong with that? We have more family coming to stay today until Monday and have loads to do as we got back from a long journey at midnight last night.
I have tried to tell him gently that groping me while I'm cooking or washing up is not very nice for me & joked that it's always when I'm doing something subservient (although I don't find it a joke really)
What can I do to try to change this? (We've been together 13 years & have 3 dcs btw)

OP posts:
addstudentdinners2 · 30/12/2016 17:15

You are hugely underreacting to this. How you are being treated is utterly disgusting. Your DH is essentially committing sexual assault.

MrsMattBomer · 30/12/2016 17:17

I would think it's probably just him being a bloke and trying to tell you that he's missing intimacy with you. If you don't normally go so long without being intimate he might find it hard going.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 17:18

Mrs - you're joking, yes?

BahHumbuggle · 30/12/2016 17:20

I agree - he's a sex pest and ought to be treated like one

YouTheCat · 30/12/2016 17:24

Aw poor diddums didn't get a shag. Ffs.

OP, it's your body and if you don't want it touched or leered at that is your right.

How would he feel if someone was doing this to your dd? I bet he'd go mad.

addstudentdinners2 · 30/12/2016 17:25

I would think it's probably just him being a bloke and trying to tell you that he's missing intimacy with you

As the mother of a little boy, I find it hugely depressing and frankly terrifying that this is how little we expect of men. FFS.

MrsMattBomer · 30/12/2016 17:30

I don't think it's all men but many of them are generally a bit pig-headed when it comes to this kind of thing. Plus, let's be honest, if you're in your 40s he's going to have a different set of values because I doubt he'd ever have been taught about stuff at school.

Generally, I do think this kind of thing is creepy and it seems like there's more to it than OP has said.

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 17:32

Mrs - you're joking, right? He is behaving like a sex pest, refusing to stop when asked and thinks that women are a subservient sex class but you think op should just have more sex with this peach of a man?
Why do some women place men above women all the time, no matter how poorly the man has behaved.

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 30/12/2016 17:35

It IS creepy, OP.

I wonder if the posters who do not see anything wrong with OP's husband's behaviour think men own their wives' bodies or something. Or can't see the difference between mutuality and one-sided creepiness.
Married women are also people, not their husband's inanimate sex toy.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 30/12/2016 17:35

I don't think there is full respect in this relationship, as in he isn't respecting your boundaries. If you think a chat will change things then yes, try that. I suspect a chat will be futile as it seemed like he thinks access to your body is his right.

Happyhippy45 · 30/12/2016 17:35

My DH kept grabbing my bum/boobs.......fine if it's occasionally for me but he was getting really annoying with it. I managed to get him to see how inappropriate it was when I did it back to him. He's a bit sensitive about his moobs.

LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2016 17:37

Ive said right from the start unwanted touching is not on naiceham and I think there is much more going on here, especially since OP has now disclosed sexual abuse. Only the OP knows her DH. Unwanted sexual touching is never OK, no matter how long people have been together, I was stating that people are over reacting to him wanting to see her naked - nothing wrong with this in the context of a "normal" sexual relationship between 2 people. Lots wrong of course if its part of coersion and pressure and unwanted touching obviously.

JigglyTuff · 30/12/2016 17:53

But that's still not respecting her boundaries Laguna. If she doesn't feel comfortable, she doesn't. He doesn't have a right to see her if she doesn't want him to.

MrsMattBomer · 30/12/2016 18:07

That was my point as well - I don't think he's in the right but I think he probably doesn't realise how much of a dick he's being. You probably need to educate him on consent and stuff like that. Although it did baffle me that OP doesn't like her DP seeing her naked - seems a bit weird and a sign of deeper issues.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 18:17

Mrs

The OP doesn't like her husband seeking her out to get his rocks off when she is getting dressed. She has at no point said she does not want him seeing her naked. Just that it's on her terms and he is refusing to respect her boundaries.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 18:18

And she HAS TOLD him to stop. But he continues. So he DOES know how much of a dick he's being, he just doesn't CARE.

Stop with the poor menz narrative.

Fatrascals · 30/12/2016 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

Fatrascals · 30/12/2016 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

dollydaydream114 · 30/12/2016 18:59

Plus, let's be honest, if you're in your 40s he's going to have a different set of values because I doubt he'd ever have been taught about stuff at school.

DP and I are in our 40s, and he would never dream of behaving like this. I know men in their 60s would never dream of behaving like this, FFS, either now or when they were younger. You don't have to be 'taught about stuff at school' to understand that's it not OK to treat your wife like this; it's just called being a decent human being.

Naicehamshop · 30/12/2016 19:05

Mrs - I am in my 50s and dh in his 60s! We haven't just crawled out of a cave, you know. Angry

Intelligent and compassionate people everywhere know that the way the OPs dh is behaving over this is wrong.

LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2016 19:08

Jiggly I never said it wasn't respecting her boundaries though Confused

SallyCanWait · 30/12/2016 19:16

I think it's the "keeps trying to catch you" bit that I find a bit off. If I'm getting changed and DH walks in he will sometimes make a comment or come over for a hug but he can sense my mood. If I say not now or whatever he will stop. Other times I go with it because it's what I want not just what he wants. He respects that

northernshepherdess · 30/12/2016 19:21

I'm in my 41s... dp is about to hit 40...
He can be a bit of a shithouse when it comes to advances and saying no. And will behave like an arse to me for days if I don't make the time.
It's not right and it really pissed me off.
This morning in a 15 second gap.. he was pestering me... the baby was crying for a latch on and dd was hassling me to do a level on a game she was stuck on...
I legit nearly exploded because he just wouldn't back up... and of all the people in the house, he feels the most entitied. ..
If they behave like greezy shi7s it's cos they're greezy. Sad

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/12/2016 19:23

Plus, let's be honest, if you're in your 40s he's going to have a different set of values because I doubt he'd ever have been taught about stuff at school

You clearly know some pig ignorant men. Being in your 40's does not constitute a different set of values where unwanted sexual harassment is normal.

JigglyTuff · 30/12/2016 19:35

"Jiggly I never said it wasn't respecting her boundaries though."

Sorry, Laguna, I'm a bit confused about what you're saying. There are lots of things that are absolutely fine in the context of mutually consensual sexual relationships. JustWoman's post illustrates that point perfectly. I can't imagine being in a relationship where it was okay to do what she describes but she's happy, her DP is happy and that's all marvellous. It isn't for me though.

But the OP isn't happy. And minimising that isn't really on. And there's been a lot of that going on in this thread.

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