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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find this creepy from DH?

185 replies

Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 11:37

My DH keeps trying to "catch" me naked when I'm getting dressed/undressed.
I've asked him not to do it as it makes me uncomfortable and not really in the right frame of mind to feel sexy/want sex. It's been a week or so since we last had sex due to having family stay, being away, staying up really late. He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked and what is wrong with that? We have more family coming to stay today until Monday and have loads to do as we got back from a long journey at midnight last night.
I have tried to tell him gently that groping me while I'm cooking or washing up is not very nice for me & joked that it's always when I'm doing something subservient (although I don't find it a joke really)
What can I do to try to change this? (We've been together 13 years & have 3 dcs btw)

OP posts:
BravoPanda · 30/12/2016 12:24

Notice I said spouse, partner, lover, Chipped? Not 'Husband'?

If you have a problem with someone you supposedly love seeing you naked then you yourself have issues. Whether male or female.

dollydaydream114 · 30/12/2016 12:24

don't know what's wrong with you lot?
What's wrong with a husband wanting to look at his wife?

It's fine that he wants to look at her when she's naked. It's not fine that he's looking at her at times that she doesn't want to be looked at. The OP specifically says he's trying to 'catch her' naked - ie he does it when she wants to be left alone.

Everyone has a right to their privacy. 99% of the time I'll happily get changed in front of my DP, but occasionally (usually if I'm trying on clothes I'm not sure about or trying to wrestle myself into 'shape wear') I want some privacy. Similarly I usually don't mind him poking his head round the door or popping for a chat while I'm in the bath - in fact, I don't even mind if he needs a quick wee while I'm in there! But I'd expect him to knock first rather than trying to 'catch' me, and if I'm shaving my legs or something I like to be left to do that in private.

You should be able to be naked and getting changed in front of your partner and not feel that is sexual.

Agreed ... but it's clearly the husband who is making it into something sexual, not the OP, and that's why she feels uncomfortable.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 12:24

Mutual,desired,reciprocal touching makes one feel validated & wanted
Grabbing,grunting,opportunistic kopping a feel is none of the above
Have you emphatically said you don't want this?what was his reaction

Spam88 · 30/12/2016 12:26

Some of the responses on here are completely OTT - pepper spraying your husband for touching you? Really? Confused

To be honest OP, I find it a little odd that you feel this way, but each to their own. Just tell him each time he does it that you don't like it and you want him to stop, and tell him that you need to be able to have a little privacy.

ageingrunner · 30/12/2016 12:26

You would like to be treated like a person, not an actress on the benny hill show, which is fair enough really. If he's still doing it when you've told him you don't like it, he obviously doesn't care how you feel, which is not a great basis for a relationship, to say the least.

YerDaSellsAvon · 30/12/2016 12:27

He got his grope, you got out of the dishes Fuck me. That has to be one of the most depressing things I've read on here.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 12:27

spam I don't think anyone was seriously suggesting pepper spray.

And why should she have to tell him every time? Why does he want to continue to make someone he loves feel uncomfortable?

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/12/2016 12:28

RTFT Panda.

It's not simply because he's seeing her naked, it's because hes purposely targeting finding her being undressed "He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked". Like that's he is right, regardless of what she wants or feels.

It would be completely different if she was getting changed when he was already in the room and he happened to see her undressed.

Spam88 · 30/12/2016 12:29

boundaries my suggestion of telling him each time is what I would do to get the message across, I'm not a very confrontational person so would prefer this over sitting him down to talk about it. OP may feel different of course, but was just offering a suggestion.

UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 30/12/2016 12:31

Spam the pepper spray was lighthearted. Pretty sure it's illegal over here.

Naicehamshop · 30/12/2016 12:31

After all these years of marriage he is still trying to "catch" you naked?? Confused

Is he 12 years old??

Weirdo.

sometimesKit · 30/12/2016 12:31

Chasin just because your husband pervs on you doesn't mean he won't cheat on you. My ex used to do it all the time, I couldn't walk past him without him grabbing my arse or stroking my boobs. He still cheated, repeatedly. So should I have been grateful for that?

The husband is doing something that he is well aware the OP doesn't like. Why, because you wouldn't have a problem with it, does that mean the OP shouldn't either? I'm glad it works for you in your relationship, but that doesn't go for everyone. It's a bit like saying "all wives should do all the cooking, that's what myself and my husband do and it makes us happy".

OP I'm not surprised this is upsetting you, he's showing a huge lack of respect to continually do this. Do you say something to him every single time he does it?

Blueskyrain · 30/12/2016 12:32

If someone doesn't want to be groped, then they shouldn't be groped and their spouse should respect that.

But I don't honestly get why someone wouldn't want to be kissed, or hugged or have a cheeky grope by their partner. I do it all the time with my husband, and him with me. We are very affectionate, and very, very happy.

Affection and sexual attraction are huge parts of a marriage. Whilst the OP shouldn't be fondled if she doesn't want to be, I think the fact that she finds a fondle from her husband uncomfortable rings massive alarm bells in their marriage to me.

gamerwidow · 30/12/2016 12:34

My DH used to do this too if we'd been a while without sex. It's a clumsy attempt at initiating sex but I hate it it makes me feel pressurised and coerced rather than sexy.
I'd rather he did something nice for me and made me feel valued and therefore more up for intimacy rather then treating me like a blow up doll who is there for his needs.
If I felt more important than his games console for example then I'd probably have more positive feelings about him

JoffreyBaratheon · 30/12/2016 12:35

Yes. It's creepy. You feel uncomfortable about it and worse still, have told him you feel uncomfortable.

HeadElf · 30/12/2016 12:35

Run in on him every time he has a wee or poo and tell him you just wanted to see his flaccid dick and see how he likes it!

Naicehamshop · 30/12/2016 12:39

The point is Bluesky that she is having this sexual attention forced on her, when she has told him she doesn't want it!

There I nothing wrong with a kiss etc if you both want it. The more someone tries to push you into something like this, the more you dislike it imo.

Passmethecrisps · 30/12/2016 12:40

The way it works in my house is that if I want privacy, I get it. I don't need to justify myself or feel a bad wife as I want to get dressed in peace.

I am not a touchy feely person, my husband knew this when we got married therefore if I don't feel up for cuddles then that is also fine.

Being in a relationship does not make you the 24/7 plaything of someone else's whims.

ColaSpangles · 30/12/2016 12:40

It is creepy if the person you trust is trying to 'catch you naked' - it makes the rs predatory. Different to bring natural together. Also being groped against your will is awful. Yuk.

YorkiesGlasses · 30/12/2016 12:44

Run in on him every time he has a wee or poo and tell him you just wanted to see his flaccid dick and see how he likes it!

Given what the OP has told us, he'd probably take that as a promising sign...

ptumbi · 30/12/2016 12:48

chasin lots of men 'get' lots of sex 'from' 'the wife' - and still cheat. It;s because they are cheating shits, not because they are not getting what they want all the time! Just because you feel you have to put out, be grateful for him ogling/groping/doing sex to you will not mean he won't cheat.

You probably have the idea that men cheat becuase of something their wives do, or don't do? It's, therefore the woman's fault? Charming. And wrong. And a let-off for cheating shits.

Your poor 'friends'.

Blueskyrain · 30/12/2016 12:48

Naicehamshop, as I said, she shouldn't be fondled or kissed if she doesn't want it, but why on earth would someone not want to be kissed or fondled by the person whom she loves? there are times when it is innapropriate - if you're ill, or sat on the toilet, or triyng to do something that requires all of your attention, but for everyday things, I simply don't get it. If tou don't like your spouse being affectionate, why are you even with them?

I don't see him being in the wrong or her here. Clearly he likes affection more than she does, which is a compatibility issue rather than anything sinister.

Ohdearducks · 30/12/2016 12:49

"Go in the bathroom to change if it is a major issue for you OP."

Why should hide in her own home? Her husband needs to respect her wishes and not leer at her, she clearly doesn't want him to do it.

3wishes · 30/12/2016 12:50

You're not alone OP, my DH is the same. It's draining and a huge turn off but he doesn't get it. He just thinks I have issues with sex, I don't but "let me finish the scummy jobs then we can get as horny as you want" doesn't seem to register.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 12:53

I don't see him being in the wrong or her here. Clearly he likes affection more than she does, which is a compatibility issue rather than anything sinister.

He "catches her" being naked. Because otherwise he "wouldn't get to see her". That's not a compatibility issue.