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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this creepy from DH?

185 replies

Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 11:37

My DH keeps trying to "catch" me naked when I'm getting dressed/undressed.
I've asked him not to do it as it makes me uncomfortable and not really in the right frame of mind to feel sexy/want sex. It's been a week or so since we last had sex due to having family stay, being away, staying up really late. He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked and what is wrong with that? We have more family coming to stay today until Monday and have loads to do as we got back from a long journey at midnight last night.
I have tried to tell him gently that groping me while I'm cooking or washing up is not very nice for me & joked that it's always when I'm doing something subservient (although I don't find it a joke really)
What can I do to try to change this? (We've been together 13 years & have 3 dcs btw)

OP posts:
VinoTime · 30/12/2016 13:54

Just because you're married or in a relationship with somebody does not give them free reign to make you feel uncomfortable or manhandle you, OP. While I can fully understand and appreciate wanting to look at your partner/spouse in an admiring way or thinking "Corrrr, aren't I bloody lucky!?" if you catch them naked/coming out the shower/getting changed, every person has the right to privacy and a wedding ring doesn't give your DH the right to be a creepy wee bastard.

We all like to be complimented and admired. I think it's a safe bet to say that people like to be desired by their significant others and feel a little lusted after. But what your DH is actually doing equates to cocking his leg and trying to piss all over you. His actions scream 'this is all MINE and I'll do as I damn well please!' And he's doing it despite the fact you've told him not to. He isn't respecting your boundaries, OP.

I'm not quite sure what advice to offer. I mean, you shouldn't have to explain this to him - he should be respecting your wishes. But have you tried being forceful with him, like shoving him away and firmly saying "I said I don't like it when you do that, SO DON'T!" when he gropes you and snapping "Get the fuck out!" when he's trying to spy on you? I'll reiterate, you really shouldn't have to be doing this but the soft touch approach isn't working, so I think all you can do is start getting angry about it and leaving him under no illusions that what he's doing is not acceptable.

I find his attitude towards you and your body pretty worrying and completely lacking in respect Sad

Naicehamshop · 30/12/2016 13:56

Boundaries has it right, blue and Laguna.

Being in a relationship doesn't give him automatic rights to her body, when she has expressly said it makes her feel uncomfortable.

Your reaction to nudity in your (hopefully) completely different relationships has got nothing to do with her feelings in her situation.

SestraClone · 30/12/2016 14:01

This thread is so fucking depressing! How, in 2016, do so many women and men still not realise that they fully own their own bodies and nobody has any rights to it apart from themselves? Marriage does hand over ownership of your body or your breasts or anything to your spouse. If you do not want to be touched or looked at, that is your RIGHT no matter what.

sometimesKit · 30/12/2016 14:01

I'm baffled, truly, that so many people's justification for this is "I like it". Good for you, OP doesn't. This isn't about you and your relationship. If OP liked it, she wouldn't have an issue to post about. But she doesn't, the husband knows she doesn't, and he still does it.

ravenmum · 30/12/2016 14:08

I'm baffled at the idea that if you don't want people to hold your boobs while you are washing up, or sneak glimpses of your bum as you undress, then you have a problem with sex.

It is possible to love dancing about naked in front of your partner swinging your nipple tassles, and at the same time also hate having them grab your boobs and wanting to get sexy when you are just getting the grease out of your casserole dish.

Gymnopedies · 30/12/2016 14:08

YANBU OP.
IME there is nothing more libido crunching than being treated like a sexual object. He needs to understand that you'll want more sex if he treats you with love and respect.

Beebeeeight · 30/12/2016 14:21

OP do you want to have sex every few days?

What is the longest you've gone?

What happens when you say no?

Jux · 30/12/2016 14:26

He is showing how much respect he has for your feelings. You have every right to feel angry with him.

Tell him you are angry with him and if necessary show him you are angry with him. If he is the man you want him to be, you won't have to go any further than that (if he's the man you want him to be you'll be able to stop him with the first .... oh wait....)

ProphetOfDoom · 30/12/2016 14:27

Those of you advising pepper-spraying one's spouse - pepper-spray is illegal in the U.K., it's classed as an offensive weapon & therefore tricky to source.

RortyCrankle · 30/12/2016 14:28

Someone save us from those who believe women are somehow wrong for not wanting to be persistently groped when they have repeatedly said no. For me it would be a huge turn off, the result being no sex but the neanderthals just don't get it.

Time for some tough talking with your DH OP?

PickledCauliflower · 30/12/2016 14:31

I think the pepper spray remarks were tongue in cheek.

dollydaydream114 · 30/12/2016 14:32

He's from a family of 3 brothers and they're all very much about women as sexual servants (even their mum)

he does ramp up the groping if we haven't had sex for a few days

I was sexually abused as a teenager by my "boyfriend"

I think these three things in combination are possibly cause for concern, or at least perhaps cause for further analysis.

If you have a background of being sexually abused, is it entirely healthy that you are in a relationship with a man who sees women as 'sexual servants' and who gropes you if you haven't sex 'for a few days'?

Sex is obviously important in a relationship but everyone needs their privacy and nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable or pressured by their partner. He's not groping you because he thinks you enjoy it - indeed, you've told him you haven't - he's groping you for his own gratification, by the sound of it.

PickledCauliflower · 30/12/2016 14:34

Nothing worse than expecting to feel sexy 24/7.
Preparing food in a hot kitchen etc with kids around my ankles does nothing for my libido.

I think it's more about objectifying the female body rather than a show of love and affection.

ProphetOfDoom · 30/12/2016 14:45

I did assume so PickledC but not so useful advice for the OP. You can brew your own home-made pepper spray. Doesn't have a good shelf-life though and getting it in propellant form is the tricky bit - plus the propensity for it to plague the inventor is high.

I think a lot of women sadly put up with this kind of shit. It's also alarmingly still the way some men think about women. If you ask them directly 'Do you really believe this shit?' they have the grace to look abashed but actually they probably do. They don't see modelled anything different which is what the OP alluded to.

GloriaGaynor · 30/12/2016 14:48

This thread is so fucking depressing! How, in 2016, do so many women and men still not realise that they fully own their own bodies and nobody has any rights to it apart from themselves? Marriage does hand over ownership of your body or your breasts or anything to your spouse. If you do not want to be touched or looked at, that is your RIGHT no matter what

This, so very much this.

I guess poor OP was conditioned by prior sexual abuse to think this is the norm.

JigglyTuff · 30/12/2016 14:55

God, how depressing that some women need to be groped and pawed at to feel desirable :(

No wonder so many men think we're interested in their opinion of whether they want to fuck every woman they meet.

Christmasjingles - don't tell him gently. Why are you worried about hurting his feelings? He's not worried about yours, nor about your bodily autonomy. Tell him straight, get angry. It's your body, not his.

JustWoman · 30/12/2016 15:00

dh and I have a game where we yank each other's jogger bottoms down, or he will sometimes do the Grindy thing when I'm doing dishes, I'll do the same to him when he bends over to do the washing.

Difference is, if anyone of us asked the other to stop, or it looks like we are not in the mood for joking about we don't do it and there's no fuss made. There's def no guilt trips about how I'd never get to touch him. No fucking way would dh want to touch me like that when he knew I didn't enjoy it, because he loves me and doesn't think with his dick I suppose.

As for being naked, I've no qualms about changing in front of dh. But I'd be fucking creeped out if he sneaked about spying and trying to "catch" me naked. Especially after requests not to. I should be able to get undressed and changed and feeling that a dh could be waiting to pounce and catch me and get sexual kicks from it would turn me right off, I wouldn't be in the mood for sex in that scenario either, I'd be angry tbh.

I'm happy to get changed in front of dh, I'm not happy for him to be a peeping Tom trying to catch me out,nsometimes when I'm alone I do things when changing I wouldn't if I knew he was watching, like plucking my hairy nipples, giving arse a good scratch.

Wanting some privacy is normal and ok. The DH thinking his sexual wants override his wife's rights to bodily autonomy isn't normal or OK.

I'd have thought most DHs show their wives they love and want them by respecting their boundaries and not continuously doing something they know makes them uncomfortable.

Im genuinely shocked that some posters are defending a man who has shown that he put his own wants first and continue to do sexual things to his wife knowing full well she isn't enjoying it and has asked him not do.

It's not hard to grasp, its not like OP is telling him to close his eyes while she gets changed, he's actively following her when he thinks she will be undressing and expecting sex. It's him who is Making getting dressed sexual, op prob just wants to get dressed.

if he did it to a stranger, or a stranger did it to op, people would be saying its sexual assault, but somehow a marriage certificate means it's ok and she should lock herself in a bathroom, or put out more so he doesn't cheat? fuck that.

If he's selfish and disrespectful in this way, he probably is in others too. does he often put himself and his wants above you OP?

ProphetOfDoom · 30/12/2016 15:11

Put simply OP and it's a good sexual standard to live by and one for for DH to abide by - if it isn't mutually enjoyable, it doesn't happen.

Jux · 30/12/2016 15:12

Definitely, PickledCauliflower. Objectifying the female body, laying claim to it, possessing it, marking ownership of it. He is marking his territory. That's why your not liking it is irrelevant and he hasn't stopped already; your body belongs to him, not you.

JustWoman · 30/12/2016 15:16

OP don't answer this if you don't want to, but do you actually want to have sex every few days or are you having it to minimise the pestering?

If you say no and go more than a few days what happens? Does he try to coerce you by acting hurt, pissed off, sulking, moody? Does he have sex with you knowing you're only saying yes because he will grope more, or because he's made you feel bad?

If you're having sex you don't want just to appease him then that's unhealthy too, he should want you to enjoy it just as much as he does but I'm worried that as he ignores your needs and rights in other sexual contexts he does in this way too, and no matter how nice he can be at other times, it doesn't make it right that he ignores you're sexual boundaries. I could be way off (I hope I am), just the very few days thing was a red flag.

notrocketscience · 30/12/2016 15:16

My ex used to be like this. I bloody hated it. Now I see it was all part of the control and not done out of affection. He wanted sex all the time and mostly got it and still cheated with anything that stood still long enough.

OP you have choices, put up with it and grow to hate him and thus destroy your marriage or tell him very loudly and firmly that he has to stop before the first scenario happens. He sounds a twat but then I'm clearly a bitter and twisted exw. (Actually I'm a very content singleton with zero interest in being otherwise). Good luck.

Jux · 30/12/2016 15:16

Can you go to a counsellor to sort out your skewed boundaries? These from your abusive ex, compounded by your dh. It does not necessarily herald the end of your relationship, but help you work out what your reasonable boundaries are and how to state them firmly to him in a way that he responds to. This could help your relationship enormously in the long run.

Jux · 30/12/2016 15:18

You could say that you need to sort out your problem with his constant groping, if you think he'd be difficult about it at first, though tell him it won't be an instant fix.

Lynnm63 · 30/12/2016 16:54

There's two different things here imo. YABU that your husband likes to see you naked. My dh still likes to look at me, I can't think why. I was hot slim and sexy at 18 less do now after three dc and many operation scars. I still fancy him though and I like that he gives me a cuddle as he passes me or I grope his bum when he's nearby.
However, you don't like that and you've told him many times. That is unacceptable. YANBU. You need to make it crystal clear that his groping is unwanted and counterproductive as you feel less sexy bring pawed over.
If he still won't stop then he doesn't value your opinion. In that case I think you have to either accept it or LTB.
None of us can tell you which, that is your call.

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 17:09

Tell him straight, no more groping, no more trying to catch you naked, it's horrible and dehumanising.