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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this creepy from DH?

185 replies

Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 11:37

My DH keeps trying to "catch" me naked when I'm getting dressed/undressed.
I've asked him not to do it as it makes me uncomfortable and not really in the right frame of mind to feel sexy/want sex. It's been a week or so since we last had sex due to having family stay, being away, staying up really late. He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked and what is wrong with that? We have more family coming to stay today until Monday and have loads to do as we got back from a long journey at midnight last night.
I have tried to tell him gently that groping me while I'm cooking or washing up is not very nice for me & joked that it's always when I'm doing something subservient (although I don't find it a joke really)
What can I do to try to change this? (We've been together 13 years & have 3 dcs btw)

OP posts:
Boeufsurletoit · 30/12/2016 12:54

Go in the bathroom to change if it is a major issue for you OP.

Shock Seriously? What a disgusting attitude.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 12:55

Leering and groping is not mutual and its not loving.

LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2016 12:57

After all these years of marriage he is still trying to "catch" you naked??.Is he 12 years old?? Weirdo

What a complete over reaction. As I said its completely different if OP has told him to stop actually touching her and he doesnt but there is nothing wrong with liking to look at your partner naked, no matter how long youve been married. Or is that something that should stop according to some of you after a certain length of time. Hmm

Blueskyrain · 30/12/2016 13:00

Boundaries - there's nothing wrong with someone wanting to see their wife naked sometimes, or their husband. Maybe its because I live in quite a naked house, but I find it odd that people don't see eachother naked much.

and I get that a lot of people (me included) are not body confident at all, but this isn't a stranger, its your spouse!

jamesk0001 · 30/12/2016 13:01

Ewww!

Simple rules. If I am already in the bedroom when DW gets undressed and specifically gets my attention then ok, otherwise, no way, just carry on reading!

Should be able to totally be undressed in the room without feeling any pressure. We often are in the rush for the shower / bathroom / loo in the morning with no sneaky peeks - its not fair and you need to be comfortable to be able to do that if you need!

Blueskyrain · 30/12/2016 13:03

Being naked doesn't necessarily equal sex :-S

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 13:06

blue he IS making it sexual though.
Perhaps she would feel more comfortable if it didn't feel leery, which it clearly does.

Ohdearducks · 30/12/2016 13:09

There is nothing wrong with wanting to see your spouse naked.
There is something wrong with deliberately trying to catch your spouse naked against their wishes and continuing to do this when they've asked you not to.
This man does not own his wife's body, it's not his to look at whenever he sees fit, it's hers to let him look if she wants him to.

twattymctwatterson · 30/12/2016 13:13

Personal question OP but does he put pressure on you sexually? Ramp up the groping etc if you've not had sex for a while? Does sex feel like something you give into for a quiet life sometimes? From the little information we have here it does sound as though he views you as property

Blueskyrain · 30/12/2016 13:17

Boundaries, they are in a sexual relationship. They should be sexually attracted to eachother. Those are good things. He should find his wife being naked a turn on. That doesn't mean they have to have sex, thats what I mean.

Its startling how many people on here seem to minimise the sexual element of a marriage.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 13:19

I think you're missing the point, blue.

Yes, they are in sexual relationship. But that doesn't give him automatic rights to her body, when she has expressly said it makes her feel uncomfortable.

Yes, of course being turned on by his wife is fine - but seeking her out when he knows she's get dressed to get his rocks off? Nope.

MiladyThesaurus · 30/12/2016 13:23

Of course people who've never had to put up with their personal boundaries being repeatedly violated think it's off that someone wouldn't want to be touched or kissed by their partner. Unfortunately the OP has had years of unwanted touching at inappropriate times. The result of that is generally that all touching is less desirable and, indeed, makes you uncomfortable and defensive.

It's like saying 'I don't know how anyone wouldn't enjoy fireworks' to someone whose been living a warzone.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 13:23

They're in a relationship,yes
This touching is not consensual,and op doesn't like it,and her dh ignores her preference

riceuten · 30/12/2016 13:23

He presumably thinks it is his 'right' to see you naked and you are being unreasonable in refusing him sexual gratification, irrespective of the circumstances. Which he thinks, as you are his wife, he is also entitled to. A post Xmas chat along these lines sounds sorely needed.

Original poster
Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 13:30

Thanks all. I will have a talk. twatty - yes he does ramp up the groping if we haven't had sex for a few days. I have tried gently telling him (I haven't wanted to hurt his feelings), but I will have to make things clearer. It's taken me many years to figure out where my boundaries are; I was sexually abused as a teenager by my "boyfriend" so when I got together with DH, had no idea what was normal and more importantly what was acceptable to me.
You've all really helped Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Boundaries · 30/12/2016 13:32

OP - just keep in mind that your feelings have a right not to be hurt too.

Hope he listens.

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/12/2016 13:36

Good luck OP.

ManonLescaut · 30/12/2016 13:38

I can't begin to get my head around the fact that you've put up with this for 13 years. I couldn't take it for a week.

He's from a family of 3 brothers and they're all very much about women as sexual servants (even their mum)

I actually felt physically nauseous reading this.

ManonLescaut · 30/12/2016 13:40

I don't think talking to him is going to be enough. I think you will need to go to relationship counselling and have the counsellor spell it out with you.

This behaviour has been going on so long, his sense of entitlement so ingrained, it's going to be very difficult to fix.

gillybeanz · 30/12/2016 13:41

I can't see why you have a problem with your dh wanting to see you naked, you're married ffs.
Tbh, I find your attitude in this weird, however, maybe you feel this was because he touches you when you ask him not to, which is a bit much I imagine.
I love my dh doing this and kissing my neck, pinching my bum, whatever I'm doing. After almost 30 years together I love the attention, tbh.

ManonLescaut · 30/12/2016 13:42

gilly RTFT love.

AMillionMilesFromThere · 30/12/2016 13:44

Just realised my dh sometimes watches me getting dressed, or we touch each other on the bum playfully in passing through the kitchen or whatever, and I actually really like it. That's the difference. But since I've been so ill with morning sickness, he's really treated me with a lot of respect I guess you can call it, j

AMillionMilesFromThere · 30/12/2016 13:46

Oops posted too soon!

And hasn't touched me in that way, because he clearly understands that I'm not in that frame of mind right now.

So yanbu op, but it seems like you and your dh have been on a different page from the very beginning

ravenmum · 30/12/2016 13:49

Go in the bathroom to change
So basically, of course he creeps up and peeps round the door to spy on you when you are changing, and the only way to avoid this is to hide, as there is no way you can make a man stop that kind of behaviour by telling him you don't like it.

He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked and what is wrong with that?
Well, he could also drill a hole in the bathroom wall and spy on you as you wash.

Valentine2 · 30/12/2016 13:54

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it looks there is more to it. You need to sit down and talk about it and set down clear and reasonable boundaries (by reasonable I mean I would be extremely pissed if DH didn't want me for a week or so and didn't respond to me touching him/catching him naked either.everyone is different and every couple is different so you need to think hard about your own situation/attitude towards sex). If he respects thosd boundaries, he is a keeper. If he doesn't, he is likely not respectful to you in lots of other things too whether you know this or not.