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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this creepy from DH?

185 replies

Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 11:37

My DH keeps trying to "catch" me naked when I'm getting dressed/undressed.
I've asked him not to do it as it makes me uncomfortable and not really in the right frame of mind to feel sexy/want sex. It's been a week or so since we last had sex due to having family stay, being away, staying up really late. He says it's the onlu way he's going to see me naked and what is wrong with that? We have more family coming to stay today until Monday and have loads to do as we got back from a long journey at midnight last night.
I have tried to tell him gently that groping me while I'm cooking or washing up is not very nice for me & joked that it's always when I'm doing something subservient (although I don't find it a joke really)
What can I do to try to change this? (We've been together 13 years & have 3 dcs btw)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/12/2016 12:05

I think it depends on the couple. Me and the husband are very hands on like that but we are both like that. It's no good if one part of the couple finds it uncomfortable.

Maybe try the heel thing suggested up thread if he's not listening.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 12:06

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to look at his wife. Go in the bathroom to change if it is a major issue for you OP

No, no no.

It's up to her DH to change his behaviour. He is the one doing something wrong.

Oddbins · 30/12/2016 12:07

I think you would benefit from speaking to him calmly and clearly and telling him how much it upsets you. Make it clear that it's not a rejection of him or of intimacy but about the way it makes you feel and that you want to feel attractive and loved as much as he does but that's not the way you feel.

it may help if you can give him some examples of intimacy you do enjoy such as hand holding on the sofa etc

Poole5 · 30/12/2016 12:07

He hasn't just started doing it, he's always done it and I've always minded

they're all very much about women as sexual servants (even their mum)

And you still chose to have 3 children with him? Hmm

Trifleorbust · 30/12/2016 12:07

they're all very much about women as sexual servants

You what? How does this manifest itself then?

BishopBrennansArse · 30/12/2016 12:08

I feel grateful that my husband fancies me and wants to look at me when so many other men would get bored and cheat.

It's really sad to have such low expectations Sad

UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 30/12/2016 12:09

Pepper spray or similar.

I second this, you've told him it makes you uncomfortable it's not on.

TheWoodlander · 30/12/2016 12:10

Tell him that peeping tom sex pests don't tend to have very satisfying sex lives.

Ugh and I can't stand the view that women should be grateful for sex-pestery for Hmm

BravoPanda · 30/12/2016 12:12

Why do you dislike your husband so much that him touching you makes you uncomfortable?

Why are you with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable when they see you naked?

BravoPanda · 30/12/2016 12:16

If it was her giving him the eye and he didn't like it then this wouldn't be the same argument used.

They're your spouse, partner, lover. Why the fuck wouldn't you want them to see you naked or be uncomfortable if they did? Get a fucking grip or maybe go and get some fresh air.

ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 30/12/2016 12:16

It's not low expectations.
It's called a long term relationship. 🙄
Every one of my friends except one have been cheated on so perhaps I am looking at my DH with gratitude that he's such a good man after seeing so many other awful partners but I am glad and grateful he still loves and fancies me after so long. It's not something everyone expects, love and respect is earned not assumed.

Boundaries there is something wrong with HER behaviour if she is expecting him to turn away or leave the room, if you share a bedroom then there's no privacy from partner in there, it's both of their room, the bathroom is for that.
There's something wrong with HIS behaviour if he's gawping / making comments to make her uncomfortable when she's changing.

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/12/2016 12:19

Get a fucking grip or maybe go and get some fresh air

You first panda, you clearly need it. I'm just waiting for the old "men can't help it" excuse...

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 12:19

He's a fuckin caveman. Women as sexual servants,good grief.wring so many levels
When I read pepper spray I laughed and thought it an over reaction
I have since reconsidered and that's too sift,I'd taser him

On a serious note,what values will he instill in his kids
Will he be ok with his daughter being a sexual servant to a caveman

Original poster
Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 12:20

Sexual servants is my analysis of their views, they would never say this out loud. My MIL will constantly judge women by their appearance; a male relative is "very lucky" with his new gf, she is very "well blessed" -this means big books. Constant "banter" about sex BJs etc. Not so much lately as the PILs have got older, but this is how they've grown up.

OP posts:
Boundaries · 30/12/2016 12:20

chasin it doesn't sound as though they are both just in the bedroom getting dressed he is "trying to catch her naked". That sounds like a deliberate act to me. She's said she doesn't like it, he has continued. He is the only one in the wrong here.

Chickenagain · 30/12/2016 12:20

My EX would grab my (large) breasts from behind while I wascwadding up & jiggle them, thrust against me, loved catching me in the bathroom, shower or getting dressed (dressing room). He would never say anything like 'Phwoar, you are irresistible" or "you are gorgeous" or "I love you" it was always done with a sneer or an appraising way (like looking at a dent on a new car). My self confidence was shot to shit after 6 years of his NPD.

Original poster
Christmasjingles · 30/12/2016 12:20

Boobs not books!- I have loads of big books ;-)

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 30/12/2016 12:20

Just no! He's obviously making you feel really uncomfortable. As if its right because you are his wife. Touching should be a mutual thing, not a given. No one should be made to feel on edge in any environment, especially not their own home.

He trying to justify his behaviour, which isn't justifiably.

Your body is your own. He doesn't co own it because you are man and wife.

Buy him some mittens!!! Those thick padded ones...

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/12/2016 12:21

Every one of my friends except one have been cheated on so perhaps I am looking at my DH with gratitude that he's such a good man

That's low standards. Not cheating is the bare minimum you should expect, it doesn't make him a good man.

FetchezLaVache · 30/12/2016 12:21

Urgh - so the 'game' is, if he succeeds in surprising you in a state of undress, sex is automatically on the table?

Has he not noticed that this strategy is making you uncomfortable and therefore less likely to want sex? Or does he just not mind?

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 30/12/2016 12:21

Wow. 2016 and people still think men are entitled to grope women regardless of what the women wants.

We should just stand there, stir the casserole and let them paw at us.

Chickenagain · 30/12/2016 12:22

Sorry, washing up! E was a c**nt.

Boundaries · 30/12/2016 12:22

Maybe making the casserole naked,Joffrey, y'know, for their convenience?

poshwomanatchristmas · 30/12/2016 12:23

YANBU. At all.

He thinks you're his personal property there for his enjoyment, doesn't he?

Chickenagain · 30/12/2016 12:23

I'm sure this auto-correct has been hacked Confused

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