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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the LTB brigade....

228 replies

crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 07:49

I am continually shocked by the amount of time people are told to leave their partners on here. Is it just me that thinks a relationship is hard work and needs to be saved if there is any possibility.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 30/12/2016 17:08

I'm on the fence with this as I hear some on here putting up with too much and joining in the chorus of ltb. Some people take far too much thinking they need to stay for financial stability for the dc or other reasons, when they should ltb.

OTOH, man asks repeatedly for sex because his sex drive hasn't dwindled since having dc, but his wifes has.
It's the husbands fault for asking all the time and she should ltb. Grin
sex is an important part of a ltr, and whilst it's not nice to be pestered neither is it nice to be refused every single time.
Solution, if the couple are still in love is closeness, talking and maybe compromise.
Mnet solution he's a sex pest, bordering on rapist and she should ltb.

Foslady · 30/12/2016 17:10

I note you have said nothing about your own relationship OP from what I can see. If you've never been threatened, if you've never had to walk on eggshells, if you've never been purposely kept short or money or called stupid you may think that women leave a relationship too quickly.
It took me 8 years to leave the 1st time. The 2nd time he was more manipulative and it was him who actually left after 14 years. Each time my self worth was in shrewd on the floor. But in you'd eyes I probably should have worked harder to be the perfect wife. Well both times I tried to the point of having no life of my own, everything- and I mean EVERYTHING- rotated around them. I think I deserved a life for me.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/12/2016 17:13

The sex pestering husband is usually pretty bad, forcibly pulling at the posters clothing, waking the poster several times a night, constantly groping the poor woman whilst she's trying to cook/clean.

I actually would LTB if DP started doing that. However I've not read anyone say LTB more like sleep sepeprately and talk about it.

Does a grown ass man really need to be told not to paw at his partner and wake her from sleep repeatedly for sex?

I know not to do that to my partner. I know he'd be very upset if I tried any of the above. It certainly wouldn't be a turn on for him or put him in the mood.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 30/12/2016 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 30/12/2016 17:14

The advice on the relationships board stopped me from getting info what would undoubtedly have been a bad relationship. I recognised red flags and listened when he told me what he was like, and ended things at the early dating stage when I would have tried to make it work, present MN. I'm thankful to the relationship boards for showing me that I'm worth more than getting into a shit relationship in the first place, and that single is better than not right for each other.

I don't think ltb is thrown around lightly in general.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 30/12/2016 17:19

Into, and pre-mn.
Autocorrect...

gillybeanz · 30/12/2016 17:36

fuzzy

I wasn't talking about any thread in particular, you must see them in relationship threads as often as I do?
I'm not saying you should just give in btw, but surely this is normal in a ltr.
Couple have kids, the man (usually) but have known it reversed, still has the same sex drive but the other one doesn't. Especially if it's a woman having recently had children and/or suffering with pnd or little sleep.
To me it's one of those times in your relationship that takes compromise, not just blaming the person whose sex drive hasn't altered.
I think there are many tests in a marriage and this is just one of them and believe if the couple are in love they will find a way forward.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 17:59

OTOH, man asks repeatedly for sex

Asking is not the same as demanding. Or sulking if he doesn't get it, or groping, or, as mentioned, waking up for sex.

Nobody that I can remember has ever said LTB, when the partner just asks for sex. It's usually when the rest happens, and the partner with the lowest sex drive has told the other to stop doing it, because it is abusive and there's not much else that the one with the lowest sex drive can do.
You certainly shouldn't be saying yes to sex if you don't feel at all like it.

DailyFail1 · 30/12/2016 18:08

OP your advice has been pretty shit so far to the point where if people actually followed it it could be dangerous. LTB is usually the only option in certain situations.

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 18:12

I am still here! I have found this a most interesting thread reading posts from a majority of you who have clearly not read the whole thread, I still stand by my OP and think that people should work at a difficult relationship as best they can as lots of people go through unhappy times and pull through that only to be happier than they thought possible. Many do not,I agree,but without trying to save it they will never know. I would never condone a person, man or woman sticking around in an obviously abusive relationship, no one in their right mind would. I do however feel strongly that people are willing to give up too soon and put in some work to make things right. I am still shocked at how many of you think the only people living in an abusive relationship are women. I have a new insight into the lives of people on here today, they all seem to be so strong minded and lacking in nothing, not even a little self respect or respect for others (except the poster who felt it ok to call me a twat!) well done all of you, you are all obviously leading the perfect life alone with no man to pull you down.

OP posts:
GingerHollyandIvy · 30/12/2016 18:20

So you've learned nothing from this. What an unbelievable waste of my time.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 18:23

crazydoglady6867

Did you even read your own thread?
FFS

53rdAndBird · 30/12/2016 18:26

well done all of you, you are all obviously leading the perfect life alone with no man to pull you down

FFS, seriously? Nearly 200 posts of people discussing their own experiences with bad and abusive relationships, and the best you can do is toss around "I bet you're all single!" like it's an insult? Hmm

ThePeoplesChamp · 30/12/2016 18:27

OP - I stand by my original reply.

YOU told a woman on a thread to that she 'shouldnt run away at the first sign of trouble' and 'you werent surprised there was so much divorce these days' and she should 'stop point scoring'

The poor OP listed various examples of control and manipulation. Her husband had also told her numerous times there was no way out and he would take her kids if she tried.... Does this sound like a fun life for the poster you advised with you buy-it-online marriage counselling cert?

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 18:30

Thepeopleschamp. She also went on to say just how awful she had been to him during the past few years and he stood by her and was kind and caring during this time. The thread you refer to was not quite how you remember it I think.

OP posts:
ThePeoplesChamp · 30/12/2016 18:33

Crazy - the woman was quite distressed and you went on sanctimonious rant. The man was controlling food, her whereabouts, who she spoke to, how long she was allowed out of the house and threatened to take her kids.

.......oh wait now youve said what youve said.... she should definitely work through it Hmm Confused

One for the sisterhood!

Lorelei76 · 30/12/2016 18:36

Is this basically a TAAT as op doesn't seem to want to answer other points?

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 18:38

The peopleschamp. As I said the thread was not quite how you are remembering it! Re - read it all and come back to me, I was also not sanctimoniously ranting!

OP posts:
ThePeoplesChamp · 30/12/2016 18:49

Yep TAAT. Which sparked the 'hate the LTB' as the wave of opinion was contrary to 'work it out'

Yes I did read it up to the point of your comment and left exasperated as I will now. I cannot imagine the circumstances where it is ok for a man to control a womans whereabouts, food, contact and threaten to take her kids. Whatever had gone on previously. She had asked him to seek help for his control issues. Rather he preferred to play little tricks like 'leave me and I'll take your kids'

Lweji · 30/12/2016 18:51

Oh, I've read the original thread now.

OP, you did go on a rant, when only one pp had told the OP there to leave her husband. You didn't read the OP. She talked with him about getting help and threatened to leave him and that he threatened to take their daughter.

Your suggestion? Talk to him and threaten to leave. Useful.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 18:51

Anyway, TAATs are not allowed, and this will probably be pullet out soon.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 18:52

Or pulled.
Pullets are not called to this. :)

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 18:53

Wish I knew what TAAT meant!

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/12/2016 19:04

Thread about a thread.

Any comment on your recollection of that thread?

80schild · 30/12/2016 19:05

Not read whole thread but OP - it is only fair to say it depends on the circumstances.

You are right that all relationships have ups and downs but if it is continually down for one person things are unlikely to get better for them and it is unlikely that the other person will change.

Sometimes we have to realise our own limitations. We can't all be great at offering advice on everything (hint to OP that if most people are saying one thing and you are taking the opposite view you ate probably wtong).