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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently Hmm. Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

OP posts:
Frouby · 29/12/2016 22:41

What costs are involved if you self represent?

Can you explain to court that your ex is a litigious claimant I think the term is. And you need your dd to keep refusing contact with him. And you need to fight her battles because you are her mother.

It's as simple as that.

scottishdiem · 29/12/2016 22:45

Drip feed or not, I am amazed that an 11 y/o DD and her feelings are being dismissed by so many here. Some would thing that they werent parents or something.......

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:45

She has told the court. But because she started telling them aged 6 and hasn't changed her mind, it has been assessed as a fixed belief rather than a decision based on reasoning!!

OK, you still need to bring it back. Possibly she needs an order for separate representation based on what you are saying (although they are not commonly made). If you breach the order, you are giving ammunition for your ex to paint you as unreasonable. Have you sought legal advice? If not, please find a Resolution-member (preferably someone who is accredited in children matters) or a member of the Law Society's Children Panel. www.resolution.org.uk

Chartreuse45 · 29/12/2016 22:45

I imagine that no court (or rational human) would ignore the rights of an 11 year-old whose needs include sanitary protection and bras, to be used by her as and when she wishes in private. I cannot work out when the OP learnt of this because it seems to be today at one point and at another point that her DD called when deprived. Maybe the OP is at the end of her energy but the thread of her story is confused and confusing. Also the facts in later posts change the situation immensely. People assume that bathrooms have locks and may not think about periods in relation to an 11 year-old.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:46

I can't self represent anymore. His solicitor has me sobbing at the sound of her voice now. I used to put up a good fight but she is awful and after years, I can't do it anymore.

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 29/12/2016 22:47

I can't believe the responses on here. I am with you, OP, and would be desperately unhappy about the situation with the uncle, simply because the kids don't know him. I have no experience of these situations so don't know how it works, but do you have a contact number for a social worker or similar with whom you could talk it through?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/12/2016 22:48

Wow ... A young girl is voicing distress about being left with a man who is effectively a stranger and people tell her she is being rude? I feel for her, although I do t know what you / she can do about it. I'd be concerned too though.

notrocketscience · 29/12/2016 22:49

Op, I've been there. Don't send her. She is old enough not to be forced and if she is in distress then it's just cruel. Email exh. Keep it polite and to the point. Itemise your concerns; the missing items, the lack of sanitary wear (does he really throw it away? why?). Suggest a compromise, perhaps another time when he is there. Is there anyone else who could act as go-between for you?

frazzlebedazzle · 29/12/2016 22:50

Creaky, the op has not actually said she won't be making her available. In fact specifically said she wouldn't stop contact! She's just asked for views on the situation.

Regardless of that, if the dd herself doesn't want to go and it returns to court then the court is unlikely to force her at her age. However, sounds like there is a long background.
Op you've every right to voice your dd's concerns, you just need to do it in the right forum. Get some proper legal advice. And if you change contact you should apply back to court and send father a letter.

OP, sorry you are getting a hard time both for suggesting stopping contact/not stopping contact! Confused

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:50

It's just the situation with the uncle for this weekend that I only just found out about. The rest I never thought to add. Mumsnet you have disappointed me with your lack of support and obsession with drip feeding. I have just been answering questions.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 29/12/2016 22:50

Op yanbu

Some posters on here are ridiculous and pathetic. All i see is a mum batting for her children and trying to protect them.

Pineappletastic · 29/12/2016 22:52

I'm confused about how long you've know about this, but...

Your ex husband confiscates your daughter's sanitary protection and underwear on arrival? You can't be bothered to go back to court about it?

Have to mentioned this to SS (or whatever they are called now)?

If my parents had done anything like that I'd have been calling child line and running away from home.

The sleeping arrangements are not a problem, the dripfed information is a massive issue that you should have been calling someone about the second you were aware of them.

notrocketscience · 29/12/2016 22:52

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

I found these helpful.

scottishdiem · 29/12/2016 22:55

What I find really interesting here about the hatred of drip feeding is that the original issues get lost and no thought given to the ability of the OP to post a full report, with references and associated case studies. FFS.

A child is distressed yet the OP is being criticised for not following the Harvard system of referencing or something.

A child is distressed. That should be the concern. But some/most here tonight seem not to care about that.

Lorelei76 · 29/12/2016 22:56

Oh OP this is so hard

Can social services help? I can't pretend to know about this, I wish I could find a solution. Surely at 11 courts could reassess?

Chickoletta · 29/12/2016 22:57

I don't really have anything else to add except to say that I really feel for you and your DD. In your situation I think I'd be inclined to keep her at home and deal with the consequences later but I say that from a very uninformed position. Like you, I am totally shocked by the mauling you've received here when asking for advice.

llangennith · 29/12/2016 22:58

I'd stop contact. In fact I did just that to protect my DDs many years ago. They weren't happy and I sure as hell wasn't going to force them to spend time somewhere they didn't want to.
Their father took me to court and a social worker spoke to my DDs who said they didn't want to go there any more so they didn't.

notrocketscience · 29/12/2016 22:59

Op, I'm guessing you feel emotionally and financially battered from what sounds like years of unpleasantness and multiple court appearances. The stress is unbelievable isn't it and all you are doing is trying to do the very best you can for your children. Sometimes, however worthy the concept, and boy is it pushed hard by Cafcass and the professionals, contact does not work and it does damage a child to be forced. It really does. Not in most cases, but sometimes. I think this is one of those times. Your poor DD. You have to be strong, you are her role model and protector. Keep polite, keep your dignity and always be truthful. I really feel for you. FWIW mine are now nc.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 29/12/2016 22:59

Are there any female family members on ex's side that would speak with him about the importance of ensuring she has Sanpro, a bin with a lid, etc?

galaxygirl45 · 29/12/2016 22:59

My youngest DD was dreadfully self conscious at 11, I can understand your position completely. And why on a 4 day contact visit isn't your ex going to be around...........it's not the uncle being awarded it, it's him!

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 23:04

Ex family don't speak to me. Exh doesn't communicate with me.

There isn't a bin in the house. Rubbish is thrown in a general pile in the kitchen, which DD says she hates walking through.

SS quote "different parenting styles".

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 23:05

I can't self represent anymore. His solicitor has me sobbing at the sound of her voice now. I used to put up a good fight but she is awful and after years, I can't do it anymore

You do need to do it though, for your DD. You have no choice. If he takes you back to court to enforce the order, you will be on the back-foot. Investigate charities, legal centres, pro-bono initiatives to see if you can secure some representation. You could also try the Bar Pro Bono Unit.

OopsDearyMe · 29/12/2016 23:08

Legal wise, you have to still send them. Have you got a final order? Or are you still in court?

KnittedBlanketHoles · 29/12/2016 23:10

I really feel for your DD, at 11 I a hugely body conscious and would not have been happy with the situation you describe.

If you thought it might be the last time, do you think you could dig down into your emotional reserves to self represent in court again?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 23:13

We had a final order but he has taken it back for enforcement after I reported him assaulting me. He denied it. I've never broken the order.

OP posts:
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